masturbation story

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Day[9] United States. Jul 18 2008 20:28. Posts 3447

So there was a thread on teamliquid entitled "have you ever been caught masturbating."

i spent a while writing a story, so i figured i'd post it here since some might enjoy:

-------------------------

WTF i get caught jacking off all the time

i'm not unlucky, its just standard probability. i beat off alot. seriously, i beat off like if i keep doing it, i'm gonna win something. its only natural people will stumble in eventually

FOR EXAMPLE

so i'm on this direct flight from claremont (my college town) back to kansas city (my home town) for winter break. since its a direct 3 hour flight, its too short for them to have "in flight entertainment," but its so long that i'm gonna be bored out of my god damn mind. so, of course, i'm like "i guess i'm beating off like 5 times during this flight."

its one of those small sized slingshot airplanes that goes really fast but is really unstable and has one tiny ass cramped aisle. so i'm sitting in my anorexic bucket seat w/ my shitty peanuts waiting for the plane to hit a high enough altitude when i finally hear: *ding* "this is your captain speaking, we have reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, you are now free to move about the cabin." "bink success!" i think to myself, "the time is right." of course i don't rush to the bathroom, no need for that. why not give myself a little tease. i gently, slowly unbuckle my seatbelt. I stand up, and stretch a little bit. I take a nice slow, leisurely walk to the bathroom at the back of the plane. masturbation this good deserves foreplay of its own.

i get to the bathroom, close the door, and sliiiiiide my pants on down and start working myself. oh holy LORD it's amazing. i mean, i don't know if you know this or not, but i am REALLY good at masturbating. I'm in a 2 square foot, dimly lit bathroom, but i feel so good my back is arching and my foot is cramping and i'm nearly ready to start screaming my own name.

then suddenly, TURBULENCE. AGH SHIT. I HATE turbulence. It's not that it makes me feel sick or nauseated. turbulence makes me feel like i'm about to die. So i'm trying to jack off, and suddenly the jerk in the plane floods my body w/ adrenaline and i grab the handle in the bathroom and i'm like "OH SHIT."

do you know how hard it is to cum when you feel like you're about to die??? I mean seriously, imagine jacking off while there's a guy w/ a loaded gun to your head and he's screaming "C'MON CUM YOU PUSSY, DO IT CUM." You'd be shivering w/ eyes closed, tears streaming down your face as you sputter through little snot bubbles just BEGGING your dick to come. "please cum!!!" you'd weep "i wanna cum soooo bad!!!!!"

so there i am trying to think of every dirty thing possible so i can finally orgasm, but all that's going through my mind is "god i need to reconcile with my dad and tell my brother i love him" etc etc and while i'm distracted in a mess of standard pre-death thoughts, i don't realize that i'm about to cum.

HOLY FUCK i say as i fumble and try to grab some kleenex from the box on the counter. however, in my stuttered panic, i just knock the kleenex box over, hit the "stewardess help button," and i cum directly onto the floor. still in a state of panic i'm like FUCKFUCKFUCK I NEED TO TURN THIS BUTTON OFF so of course i (geniusly) press it like 5 more times trying to turn this off. Naturally, the button just goes *ding ding ding ding*, making my situation seem all the more urgent, and i can hear the stewardess rushing to the door since i appear to be in desperate need of help.

"FOCUS SEAN FOCUS," i think, "I NEED TO HIDE MY DICK." so, (this is genius) i pick up the kleenex box from the floor, pull out 5 pieces of tissue, and i just lay them on top of my erection... so it looks kinda like a little dick tent. so, the stewardess, responding to my urgent spams of the "stewardess help button" proceeds to open the bathroom door just like i knew she was going to. She looks on the ground to see my epic protein stain, looks up at my glorious dicktent, and then you know what happens?? we make eye contact.

so she's looking at me, and i'm looking at her and in general i dislike awkward silences. however, this was an all KINDS of awkward silence, so i figured it was necessary to say something. so, i did the best i could. i look her right in the eye and say "... it is what it is..."

???? why did i say that???? what a stupid thing to say... well... i guess it's hard in that situation to "play it off cool." i can't be like "hey i know smoking isn't allowed on the plane, so do you have a stick of gum??"

so she shuts the door, and i clean myself up and spend another 3 minutes trying to clean up the mass of cum on the floor. even though i did a pretty good job, its damn hard to get that shine out of the laminate flooring. i'm finally done, so i open up the bathroom door to see a line of 10 or so people that's been building up since i went into the bathroom like 20 minutes ago (again, it took my a while since its difficult to cum when you think you're about to die). I get to look across the line of all of em, and say the only sensible thing i can think of:

"for those of you going to use the bathroom, i'd make sure you're wearing shoes."

0 votes

hansen jr. Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:36. Posts 3735

lol
valuable read

iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:37. Posts 4951

haha

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth

iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:38. Posts 4951

I should start reading TL. I basically stopped visiting TL 2004

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth

Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:39. Posts 2347

LMAOOO, funniest shit i read in ages
really

Day[9] United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 3447

woo ty all

its an original story too!

i use it in my standup routines sometimes ^^;

chessjerk United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 72

Nothing beats a good masterbation story.

You win, sir.

[vital]Myth This user is a quality poster

United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 12159

good story

also true in case you're wondering -.-

Eh, I can go a few more orbits in life, before taxes blind me out - PoorUser

Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:41. Posts 2347

it is what it is
LOL!
seriously

SfydjkLm Belarus. Jul 18 2008 20:41. Posts 3810

rofl. if it was anyone but day i wouldnt believe this xD

*wink wink*

Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:42. Posts 2347

i was just gonna ask if this was a true story.. almost too funny to be true..

Baalim Mexico. Jul 18 2008 20:43. Posts 34272

god why on earth didnt he just hold the door knowing the stewardess was coming?

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online

iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:43. Posts 4951

<`DeadVessel> i wish i had a twin sister
are you kidding
nick doens't even fucking
go in a different room
<`DeadVessel> no because they know what im doing
<`DeadVessel> LOL
><
he just starts jacking off
if he feels lik eit
like i remember over the summer
<`DeadVessel> i gotta meet tasteless
brotherly love
we set our computers up
like 10 feet from eachother
so i'm playing a game
and i finish
take off my headphones
turn around
and nick is like totally naked
jacking off at his computer
and honestly
this is going in the quote thread
if i interrupt him, he won't even be mad
lol
i'll be like "uhh nick..."
<`DeadVessel> sean can i put that in the irc thread?
he'll turn around, dick in hand and genuinely ask "hey sean, how'd ur game go?"

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth

TimDawg

United States. Jul 18 2008 20:52. Posts 10197

ROFL, hilarious read

but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool

online bob is actually a pretty smart person, not at all like the creepy fucker that sits in the sofa telling me he does nasty shit to me when im asleep - pinball

Sean.G Norway. Jul 18 2008 21:00. Posts 238

On July 18 2008 19:52 TimDawg wrote:
ROFL, hilarious read

but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool

There are some rumors that it feels better because of the higher altitude. In an airliner at cruise it will normally be equivalent to 8000 ft (which is what they pressurize it to).

Poker is quiet war; it is tidy bloodlust; it is ripping the guts out of the guy next to you and tossing them back in his face with a pair of aces.

Last edit: 18/07/2008 22:45

YoMeR United States. Jul 18 2008 21:05. Posts 12438

wow im speechless. Good fuckin read

eZ Life.

mikyor United States. Jul 18 2008 21:17. Posts 590

awesome read, very entertaining

Wizard Afghanistan. Jul 18 2008 21:27. Posts 55

lol o-o

awesome read

MayZerG United Kingdom. Jul 18 2008 21:30. Posts 2123

great read!

I like to hold all the nuts - CrownRoyal

p-halt United States. Jul 18 2008 21:42. Posts 345

lolz

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