sup

I am approaching new levels of broke that I've never experienced before. I don't need to get into all the details but the biggest thing is I haven't really been putting up much of a fight. There are still avenues I just haven't tried. I'm sick of fighting with capitalism every step of the way over not starving or the shot in the dark of finding some joy. Capitalism's take on joy is a perverted production of what they've convinced people joy is or should be. I don't know if the people down at the psych ward signed me up for disability or I still have to do that. It's all bullshit. Thankfully or un-thankfully the suicidal ideations are not that crazy. They could definitely get crazy. I don't think that much about suicide at the moment but it is the type of thing that I don't know if I care to live or if I care to die. If someone were to kidnap me and tie me down and maim me starting with my testicles and penis, of course, I would not like that very much. If they were to tie me up to a pole and empty a magazine of an AK-47 into my torso I am unsure how much I would care.

I haven't ever properly been in love. Maybe that is something to live for. My viewpoint now is that it is just fucked up chemicals in the brain. Then we have to deal with those fucked up chemicals in the brain after it ends. How could I ever honestly say I love someone until death due us part or even past that to some sick multi-dimensional eternity game. Like I can really say I am going to love someone not only for maybe 30 years but through infinite time in infinite dimensions? Really? All partnership really is is new benefits and new downsides. I think for a lot of the lucky ones the benefits outweigh the downsides but it is not like there are any guarantees here. The thing is if the chemicals are firing we are all fucking blind. I never disliked a woman when my throbbing penis was in her wet, warm, throbbing vagina. And, of course, that is not the only time I liked her. Maybe I have some misogynist tendencies I don't know about but most of those have faded away through out time and education.

I haven't really thought about hitting the bottle either. I am reading this book on addiction. AA is totally inadequate at explaining the science of addiction. There is some glimmer of hope that I could find a sweet-spot from say 10 units of Kentucky Bourbon to 20 but the problem is I know that it is total compulsion. I will drink until I pass out which is actually an added bonus for someone who hates to be conscious. When my only thoughts are, "I'm barely breathing... I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow... Do I care?" *Fade to black*

My striatum has found new things to be excited about and I think that is what addiction is about anyways. Finding new things for the striatum to get excited about and dopamine to pump towards something better than compulsively drinking myself to death.

I get excited about the electric guitar. As long as I keep getting excited about the electric guitar I may actually have more chance of getting good because my striatum and dopamine are probably a bit fucked up. I bet many on this site are a bit fucked up. Between Starcraft and Poker our striatums and dopamine pump got fucked up for sure. There was a time where literally poker was the only thing that brought me dopamine. One time I was playing poker and ignored an attractive women that was drunk but not too drunk and came up to my room to sleep with me and I told her I was busy.

Later, I had my drinking rituals which always placed drinking and myself before anything. Which basically just meant that I would compulsively drink until I passed out and then do that every single day of the year. That is such a gross spot to be in. So, I am in a better spot now than I was then but I am still in a pretty gross spot 7+ years later. And, the thing is I am not really sure how to get out of all of this mess. The only way I figure is losing consciousness. Sleeping a lot can be fun but all of the problems are still there. It is the same scenario with drinking, drugs, video games, good film... The only kind of escape that will truly work is to kill myself. I was not made for this place and time. I am so sick of trying to be malleable. It never works out. It hasn't worked out. I somehow still have hope that it can work out but that bullshit positivity does not mean that it must work out or it will work out. I am not an undead soldier.

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I just got home from the psych ward.

Yet again, yet again.

I just feel some contentment to be home and I am tired. This one was a fucking crazy one. Over 3 weeks I got less than 50 hours of sleep. I reached new levels of more or less sustainable hallucinations but the paranoia and some of the harsher visual/audio hallucination got me. Right now it feels like it has taken its toll. It may take me a while to recover. I still get color hallucinations in certain states but it seems that I have lost my synesthesia. As awesome as synesthesia is I am ok with trading that for serenity. The worries I had in the first 3 days in the psych ward are so absurd and fear inducing that I would not wish them upon anyone. All of my artwork is on the shelf. I am a little curious to see what I was up to but I want to not look at any of it for a while. I talked to a friend who used to be in the psych field. He said I should just focus on healing for a while. I tend to agree.

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I could try and kill every last neoliberal in the USA, UK, and France including the deep state and all C-suite hierarchies but that is obviously an impossible task. Also, how would it be fair for atomized me to decide who lives and dies? There could also be unconsidered ramifications like the replacements being worse than the people before them and justifications for surveillance, militarized forces, etc.

On the flip side if I was an OPCW whistleblower I don't think many from the above category would second guess disappearing me especially if it was outsourced to some arm of the intelligence community or private mercenary firm.

If I think about it I don't want to kill anyone except for myself on occasion.

I could sip on flutes of good champagne while watching 1990s All Japan Pro Wrestling celebrating my future lack of consciousness in this existence before I gulp down handfuls of benzos but I don't want to drink ever again even if it is a hopeful suicidal one off.

A comrade in the psych ward found a poison that was painless and lethal within 20 min. I could wear a lethal dose on a necklace wherever I go like Nietzsche's friend Paul Rée but today that is probably very illegal and I'd rather not have to interact with law enforcement about a thing like that.

Maybe my favorite is to just find the right gas and fill up an empty dumpster with it and toss myself in there like they toss the stray dogs when there is no room at the shelter.

Good tv is getting me through these times. I don't think it really gives me any hope but being in the midst of a good tv show brings much needed escape.

I am still waiting on being fully vaccinated so hopefully I can soon make some sort of connections with human beings not behind glass. I recently saw a guy on YouTube who fancies himself as some sort of god of the online left denigrate Food Not Bombs. I will admit that it kind of riled me up. I mean I get what he was saying. Having 1 million or so subscribers and putting forth a strong message certainly has a lot of impact... I don't know. I more so want to let that comment slide and not care and get out behind the glass and organize with people in real life. Food Not Bombs is a great starting point and gateway into other things. There is nothing more simple or less controversial than accepting food donations and then preparing food for people who need it.

I read a great article the other day about the left wing deadbeat. Basically, a person who spends all their time reading and arguing theory but does not actually do anything. Of course, there is a time for theory and it is easier to sit in the comfy chair and stare at YouTube videos through the glass but I will have to do the more difficult actions of leaving the house and organizing with people in real life if I want any chance of decreased suicidal ideations or a "Great Transition."

"The Great Transition" is an idea from Peter Joseph's film InterReflections. The film is based off of Joseph's book The New Human Rights Movement. Obviously, we are going to need more than just Peter Joseph ideas but that is part of the point. Putting time, energy, and focus into a lot of those ideas is a lot more exciting than canvassing for "promising" politicians or making a sign and standing outside yelling slogans.

Time to step away from the glass for a while...

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I wrote some notes in a notebook...

Zoë

Zoë is a beautiful woman and a unique character. I wanted Zoë. Zoë is a sex addict. I decided to not try to persuade or seduce Zoë to have sex with me in any way. That left things in interesting waters. Zoë got so much attention that I felt the urge to pathetically vie for some of that attention instead of just HODL the line. She would eventually come back to me and give me attention. The thing is it is not like there was really any danger of me manipulating her. The danger was her manipulating me. I have no idea if she even lives here anymore. She is a transient, nomadic creature.

Finn

I have a friend named Finn. Finn has a bone disease that causes pain. Finn used to have a cabinet full of Big Pharma. Now, Finn illegally uses marijuana products costing less money with more effectiveness than Big Pharma. Finn was also my first friend who stopped taking AA and other 12 step programs seriously. The fact that Finn was using marijuana products with out a doctor's prescription and questioned AA practices and effectiveness pissed off a lot of people. Finn did not give a fuck.

One of the reasons I bring up Finn is that he has been on disability for as long as I remember. It's a fucking grind. The government gives people on disability just enough money not to die out on the streets but not even in all cases. Finn lived in an ok old house. I think the government subsidized it. It provided more autonomy than living with his parents but living with his parents was not an option. It was in a rough area. Most people were nice but one could watch a crack deal or a shooting from one's patio. Finn had a rough upbringing and used to be addicted to crack so he knew the game. Finn was far from an easy target although he did not really have any other choice but to live there.

Finn had a humble but all-knowing quality to him that I think a lot of people were attracted to. Part of that quality was not being afraid to say "I don't know" if he did not know. We were always doing something. We would go fishing, talk on the patio, cook for people, etc. Screens were never involved. Finn had the most basic pay as you go flip phone possible. He didn't even have any screens! It was always inspiring for me to see Finn with a positive girlfriend despite all of his woes. I miss Finn.

Pink Matter

Back when I did improv in one of the performances that I do not even remember the context I boldly told the theatre the first thing that came to my mind: "If models were made for modeling, thick girls were made for cuddling!"

After the show some thick women came up to me slightly wet asking about that line. I told them the truth that no it was not an original thought but something that Andre 3000 wrote for his portion of Frank Ocean's song Pink Matter. One of them asked me if I shared that opinion and I said that yes I do... I would not have said it if I did not believe it. It was weird to have a fan to some extent or perhaps even a groupie at an Improv show in some small theatre in a mid-western city not named Chicago.

I think it was John Belushi who started his career at Second City in Chicago who said, "Good improv is better than sex." This is a guy who died doing crazy doses of eight balls... He knows his drugs and he is also correct. Good improv is better than sex. What does that mean? Does it mean that the improv community is a good place for casual sex among performers and audience members? Well, yes but probably more important is that improv is fun period.

I started taking advanced classes. There was this weird girl in there who I had seen perform and she was really good. I didn't say anything to her for 4 classes until we were in a scene together. The scene just fucking exploded into the most insane, bonkers, weird, sporadic, fun, energetic scene. We just kept going and going and the instructor let it go on and on and on until it seemed virtually impossible that we could top ourselves. The class gave us a standing ovation which never happens. The woman I did the scene with and I went back to being weird introverts but there was a charge there. Super charge. With the help of her I had just done the best improv scene of my life and it felt phenomenal. And then I didn't do anymore improv ever again...

I never really puzzled over it until this day. I think I was trying to do more days of improv than there are days in the week. I auditioned for a "professional" improv group and made it. We would be paid a share of the profits of the show. I guess I don't blame the founder and coach for trying to make it more commercial so he could make more money but it was just kind of lame as fuck so I quit. I had another team that we were always on the verge of breaking up and I don't think we were all that good anyways. I quit. Looking back on it though I should not have quit the advanced classes. The instructor did not excite me but he was actually what I needed. There were some fire people in that class. So what if I would constantly run into some of the people that I quit their teams? I made a bigger deal out of that at the time than I should have and suffered completely dropping out of a fun, exciting part of my life.

Now that I am almost vaccinated it seems I am considering making an improv comeback...

We will see.

I've thought about doing standup since forever. I even filled up a notebook with jokes. The sad thing about that notebook full of jokes is that there probably isn't even 10 min. of good material in there. I would not be looking forward to probably at least 6 months of bombing consistently every night. Also, where I live right now there is no such thing as stand-up "every night" or even ever. I am certainly not going to move to NYC or Austin (I will never move to LA) with 10 min. of bad material.

SpottieOttie

There is an OutKast song called SpottieOttieDopalicious that is a great summer song. There was one summer visiting my family that everything just seemed perfect. I was listening to a summer playlist that I made for the trip all the way up. The windows were down. SpottieOttieDopalicious had been playing so I was on that vibe. I was hitting a red light so I was slowing down and I noticed a fine SpottieOttieDopalicious angel in her own right waiting for the light to turn red so she could cross the street. She did not have any ear buds or anything so she definitely heard the song. Then the light was red and she put on the most graceful, sexy walk to the beat that I could not have even imagined. Just a great shape and hips and a large ass... which btw, how come black women always need to have a shapely large ass? What about a well proportioned ass that fits her body or what about the black women with skinny asses? Are we supposed to just discard them or something? I see white women all the time proud of their skinny ass wearing thongs... anyways...

So, then I get to my sister's apartment and she is staying with her boyfriend for the weekend. I open up the door and the aroma is overpowering... the desk is covered with the best weed in the city, zig zags, a bowl, etc. This was at a time when something like that might shake me up a bit. I went for a walk and called a friend. Also, luckily, my sister's cats love me. They were like, "Don't worry bro. We got your back" and were there for me with the lap sitting, cuddles and lolz.

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"Relaxed Strategy and Management" is how Jack Dorsey spends 16 hours of his Sundays on Twitter and Square. Strategy is a great word. I have always enjoyed strategy in regards to games. Strategy is also important in regards to war. Like how many weapons Raytheon can sell, how many construction jobs can Bechtel pick up, and how many military bases Halliburton can build and service. Strategy is important in business too of course. Management, however, can basically be boiled down to a manager hiring as many underlings as the higher ups will allow them to so that they can feel special and powerful, protecting themselves with politics and bureaucracy, and then maybe or maybe not doing any work that is valuable. There is management that is important. "Managing one's affairs" is important. Everyone should put some time, effort, and energy into "managing their affairs."

I am unfortunately back on facebook. Someone that i made friends with in the psych ward only has facebook and i am worried about him. Now, i can't just sit here and put all of my self worth and validation into trying to help someone i only know to a certain degree but he is a good dude. I am worried that he will go straight back to selling drugs and end up back in prison. He had some job lined up where he would be making tacos for some local taco joint. I didn't really know what to say. If i had his skills, knowledge, and connections selling drugs i probably wouldn't be bothering to make tacos for no money at some shitty taco joint even if selling drugs is a game of russian roulette. It's a tough spot. I do my best to avoid law enforcement these days so i would probably be in there grinding out the shitty taco job but if someone offered me a tempting drug smuggling job it might be hard to say no. The problem with that is that then the next one is tempting too and the next one and the next one and the next one and the risk of violence or imprisonment keeps going up and up and up.

So, nowadays, i use facebook solely as a messenger platform BUT i tend to notice the top post and notifications. I am getting a shit ton of friend suggestions from attractive women. The algorithm knows i am thirsty for THOTs. I know maybe half of them but i am not adding ANY of them. I have to hold true to something and right now that is not giving a fuck about facebook and only using it as a messenger platform. Maybe it would be good for me if my psych ward buddy messages me that he caught another charge and is in prison again. I've already exchanged messages with old friends that i probably won't talk to in a while. I would much prefer to just cut myself off completely from facebook once again but i gave this guy my word that i would check up on him.

Anyways, the top post this morning was one of my Northerner friend's view of a beach nearby me from her patio. Sometimes with time things become pretty clear. The immediate memory was one night the meeting was kind of small and i always use to sit off in the corner so i could see the entire meeting in front of me. Jasmine strolled in and sat down right next to me. She usually wore sweatpants and hoodies but today she was wearing perfume and makeup (the perfect amount). She was wearing short shorts and i don't know if i ever saw or paid attention to her legs before. She kept provocatively crossing her legs and it was hypnotizing. Talking to her after the meeting it was clear that she was horny for me but i had a rule that i would never sleep with any of the women from the meeting. I did not continue the tit for tat with her even though she had set me up the ultimate ball to spike. She probably just assumed i was an asexual nerd, did not give any fucks, and promptly found the first guy that was more than happy to have sex with her while i went home and sadly masturbated by myself once again.

Being a White Knight is stupid. No one gives a fuck. One of my best friends cheated on one of the most well liked women in the meeting (Lexi) with some random he was treating in rehab (Abby). It went sour with Abby and she overdosed on Fentanyl and died. Lexi found out and it went sour there too. Lexi started drinking and sleeping around like an absolute maniac. I rejected her because she was drunk which i'm still fine with that decision but a lot of the men in the meeting got some good fucks in and most people in the meeting didn't care. It was all too much for my friend who hit the streets and started hitting the heroin heavy again. We got him back 4 months later and no one gave any fucks and we were just happy to see him back and alive.

One of my other best friends (AJ) was vetted by pretty much all of the women in the meeting that mattered and he could pretty much sleep with whoever he wanted. That was interesting to observe. He was attractive, tall, and had a gift of gab so i don't know if anyone could have pulled this off but he did. He did not own a car so i gave him a ride home most nights but it was pretty obvious what was going on if he preferred Daniela or whoever to give him a ride home instead of me.

At one point i was also vetted by pretty much all of the women in the meeting. It is easy to be a White Knight if there are virtually 0 options... Eventually, i would get horny enough to forget my "heroic standards" and rationalize and then at that point almost all standards start to break down. I mean there are still standards of being consenting adults and having fun but what i mean is that even that shining newcomer that just walked through the door becomes fair game. I never reached AJ status. Not even close. He was just much more practiced and experienced. He was also more in the moment. I was always worried about what was going to happen and also more susceptible to catch feelings. I was always worried something would get messy but thankfully it never did. If both parties are adults and discrete the outcomes are far better. Even if something erupts into some drama that just means some of the people will latch onto that for a while and then forget and most people will not care to begin with.

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Sometimes i get a little bit good feeling to write some words. I become bored and lonely through out Covid and through out life. I was reminiscing about a time that was probably about spot on the nose in regards to my physical peak. I was so busy that i just didn't think to eat a lot of calories. I mostly ate plants and not too many of them. With my job i was running around steel mills and up and down stairs between the tundish yard and continuous caster. I swam for about 25 min. 3x / week. I remember one time I was getting everything set to go for another swim and this gorgeous latina went out of her way to walk the entire length of the pool to flirt aggressively with me. I was 6'2'', visible abs, and the right shape sculpted by the swimming. The right posture. I was 28. I was flattered by the whole situation but all i really wanted to do was get a reprieve from life through movement and breathing through the water. This is partly why i never bother women in the gym. Even if they are wearing makeup and showing off their breasts. Having an attitude of abundance is a good thing in the dating world and the truth is there is an abundance of women who will look good in a cocktail dress and it is truth that there is even an abundance of women who will look good in a cocktail dress and are also funny, sharp, kind, etc. It is not however wise to just play fast with the Next button in every situation. One will end up alone shaking their heads at what happened at age 40 and beyond. I can never get that 28 year old's swimmer body back. Those 10 years have already emptied out into the bottom of the hourglass. It is true that Brad Pitt was 40 years old as Achilles in Troy but ole Brad is gifted in symmetry, was being paid millions of dollars to get into comic book shape. I have no desire to eat chicken and broccoli and train 3+ hours a day for a year. I do have a desire for a partner beyond mutual orgasm. She could pull her panties on and fix her hair in the mirror and then we could go and grab some french toast instead of parting ways. Or i could cook up some vegan pancakes or make some eggs benedict.

My first kiss was arguably the most attractive girl in my grade. The kiss played tricks on me a little bit. On one hand it was a spin the bottle game peck at a friend's party but on the other hand there was eye contact, she smelled good, and her lips were legitimately wonderful. I remember some time in high school i asked her if she liked me pretending to be my younger sister on AIM... pretty cringe. She responded that she liked me as a friend but not in THAT way. I never brought it up again and kind of deluded myself that it never happened and that she would believe that it was my younger sister and not me. I always sort of knew that she knew it was me... She was probably dealing with simps on the daily at that age anyway but i guess i always sort of had that skill to distort reality in my favor. For me, even at that young age i was not optimistic that i could ever overcome the "friend's zone" and for the most part was cool with it. She was a smart person that was fun to be around and it is never wise to try and fit a square peg into a round hole but i was secretly envious of the guys that would date her... even the friends of mine. Then i was collectively chosen to be her Homecoming Court escort. I was never a fan of spectacles like that but at the same time it was nice to have that arm candy for the night or maybe i was her arm candy... She went to university out of state, got married, and we never kept in touch. I was curious this morning so i looked her up on facebook... She is just as gorgeous as ever as well as her mom who must be in her 60s by now. Good genes.

So, i learned in Psychology that the second most important indicator of attraction is symmetry. I think the textbook literally used a picture of Halle Berry. The #1 indicator is proximity. I was thinking about this. I would wager that the city that i currently reside in has more 24-44 yr old women with a pleasing symmetry than i could reasonably date in 1 year. So, this idea of abundance is real. Some downside? Maybe more than half are a stan of Donald Trump. Then i can break it down further and the fact is that i am unemployed, in-debt, i live with my parents and i have no desire to get dressed up and grab drinks @ the in chic sexy lounge downtown. The champagne, expensive tequila shots, or volcano with good green no longer exists "back at the apartment." What do i have now? I guess i have some paintings and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. That is probably more inline with the type of woman i am interested in these days anyway. Which includes many of these Twitch women i poked some fun at for vying for our attention. I currently only go outside to go on walks for the most part so i have access to these uncommon and rare birds thanks to the trusted internet.

The first time i ever went to a strip club i had probably just turned 18. It was a full nude club which of course if you are a perv like me is clearly better than non-full nude. I just find vagina beautiful is a nicer way to say it. I was a Mega-virgin at the time so my friends bought me a lap dance. The DJ was in on it and made some comment about not busting in my pants which was a legitimate concern. I did not bust in pants but i do still remember her warm breathing and whispering in my ears. She was not classically beautiful but brought me hard ons for weeks afterwards.

The first time i ever went to The Spearmint Rhino i was probably 22. I am not at liberty of going too much in detail here but EklY basically hosted all of our first times at this legendary establishment. That was the first time i had met EklY. I was definitely a stan and he flew by any expectations i may have had. There is no chance in hell at trying to get that first EklY @ The Rhino experience back. The beauty mixed with the hypnotizé provocateur professional aspect of it all makes it a difficult place to hold on to cash. I remember one time on first entering that place there was a group of 3 hypnotizérs and one of them grabbed me by my tie and pulled me in close to her face and stared deep into my eyes until i broke the spell because getting set up at a table with unlimited alcohol was always more important to me at that time than even a rare bird encounter. I was still a virgin at this time. I also did not have a lot of cash on me. A friend bought me a lap dance. I was being pretty stingy with the offerings because i only had 1 bullet for the VIP lounge. XTINA won me over. She had that Christina Aguillera archetypal look going on but was actually more attractive and more interesting. She knew what she was doing. She took me to an area that was more or less unsurveillable unless the bouncers were to actually enter that area and pay attention which was basically never happening. The reality distortion kicks in masking the fact that i am paying this women to seduce me into paying her more. In my whole life i mostly just didn't pay attention to rules or disregard rules in strip clubs. She would move my hand and scold me if i tried to enter her with my fingers but she didn't mind subtle clitoral stimulation and i enjoyed the warmth and wetness (?) of that area. I guess it is not impossible that she was wet but probably not likely. She was sweating which i enjoyed but it was hot in there. I remember thinking about the possibilities of picking her up which is not impossible but more or less impossible for a Mega-virgin. ElkY was likely fucking Rhino strippers at the time but this is ElkY we are talking about. Btw, I never paid that friend back for the lap dance and perhaps even more shameful was when ElkY was making it rain some guy was gathering all the One Dollar Bills up and then divvied it up between him and me and i accepted the wad of cash and put it in my pocket instead of scolding this random guy and moving the pile of cash towards the performing stripper. I have carried that shame with me for 15 years. Btw, i still remember the posture and maniacal look on ElkY's face when he was making it rain. On one hand it was an iconic image of Monster Free Roll Life but from my viewpoint at some point it crossed over into a robotic or compelled maneuver. I always wondered how much of it was enjoyable. Surely, an impromptu hard kiss with a beautiful woman on stage is likely to be enjoyable but what about thrown dollar number 2,555 after the climax of song 3?

Damn, man. I was a virgin until 23. And there is not really any other type of virgin than Mega-virgin. Mega-virgin is a ssstttrrruuugggllleee. Especially, junior and senior year of high school and 4 years of university. Prom was a lot of fun but cringe. The best play was clearly to get drunk and fuck. I remember this one time in university an attractive young lady was trying to get me to get out with her that night and i was annoyed because i was trying to beat my high score on missionred.com so i could micro better @ warcraft III... She even feigned interest in missionred.com... Then, i remember meeting up with some women from my high school and one of them point blank asked me "how come you were never interested in me in high school?" and basically followed that up with "how come you never fucked any of the women who were interested in you?" I didn't really know what to say. She then went on to basically say "i had a crush on you in high school (and still do?) and left it open ended tete a tete that if i looked into her eyes and then her lips and then her eyes and then went 90% of the way for a winning kiss i would have been another number in her body count. Which, btw, a beautiful woman with a strong body count are a great start in attractive attributes. "That just means she knows what she wants out of life..." - André 3000. What did i actually do? "It was nice seeing you tonight... *hug*" Then, i probably went home and frustratingly rubbed one out to bad pornography...

So, anyways, then i find myself in a strip club in Buenos Aires quite drunk. I have been told that most if not all of strip clubs in Buenos Aires are fronts for brothels. My friend discovers a rare bird. She is almost comically Argie. She kind of reminds me of Pampita but more curvaceous. I am thinking to myself, "Damn, that is a nice find." Her friend is interested in me. At first glance i am thinking i am getting the short end of the stick. She is not strikingly beautiful in any way. But then she kisses me. I have never been kissed like THAT. Hypnotizér la Séductrice and i am paying for a motel room and more. Try as i might i will never get that experience back either. Nor may that idea even be a healthy one. Sex work is real work but it is nicer to consent to the magic in the air rather than making sex transactional. No matter how strong the reality distortion may be it is tough to get the thought out of the mind that she is only there because i gave her cash to be there. Believe me, i have tried many times to make the stripper i just gave x amount of cash to wet but don't believe i ever accomplished it. Compare that to the woman dripping wet through her yoga pants after a let's fuck kiss and there is no comparison.

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I was talking about swaps in MTTs in another thread and it reminded me of something:

Mig.com was notoriously nitty with swaps. I found it hilarious. He would swap with Blair and probably Tom but would refuse to swap with some big name players. They would naturally get offended and it might have even caused some drama but mig didn't give a FUCK and I greatly respected him for that.

I could potentially share some other stories but I am going to keep those close to the vest and fast forward.

I think it was a year later or maybe 2 years later and I was between Malta and Buenos Aires but decided to drop into Vegas for the WSOP.

Actually, there is one story before this that ties in that I am remembering.

It was 2008. I was getting some grinding in at the WSOP and I remember telling mig about a trick I figured out. Anytime you are playing with someone that you don't know and it is a good 3-bet spot. Put in your 3-bet and pretend that you get a jolt of adrenaline like you have Aces. It works crazy well and mig and others thought it was cool and that made me happy. I remember Tom sharing a trick that you should always swap your ante chips with a nit or a fish since every time a new player comes to the table or you get sent to a new table it looks like you are a fish that never steals a pot. Oh man, I am sharing all the secrets! It is a poker website after all!

So, the next year in 2009, I am staying at the Rio. I don't think I'm even playing any WSOP events at this point. I'm just sort of bummin' around. I remember one night my friend and I decided to chill, drink some free red wine, and play blackjack. I don't know if he would want to be mentioned so I will just call him Adam. It was sort of a pastime to just chill and play some blackjack but we usually had a cappuccino at the Bellagio. We got fucking hammered. All I remember is that it was absolute madness. Adam kept busting his stack so I kept giving him chips to go on a run but it never happened but I was winning every hand so I didn't care. It was absurd. Then they cut us off. Then I got belligerent so they kicked us off the table. Then I got the spins. Then I somehow got back to the room. Then I vomited everywhere. The cleaning lady was LIVID the next day. I was hungover and felt like shit. Then I opened my suit case and it looked like I had moved all-in into my suitcase with black chips the night before. What the fuck? Ok, I'll take it.

The problem with the Rio is that I hate the Rio. Tom had an extra bedroom at his house and was kind enough to let me stay there so that's where I went. I remember one day I just casually sat down at his dining room table overlooking the pool and the blue sky and I was playing "Beach on Hawaii" by Ziggy Marley on repeat and just had one of those good feelings grinding the whole day. I was playing more tables than I liked to on that laptop but I was in the zone. I remember Ket coming in to sweat. I still remember this hand. Third spade comes in on the river. I have a K high flush. I bet. Villain shoves. I have a bad feeling. I am tanking a bit and Ket is like, "you aren't actually going to fold that hand right?" And, now, I am distracted and playing too many tables. "He could easily have the A of spades blocker." And, I am thinking, "yeah, I know. I know but this guy never bluffs here..." Decisions are piling up... "Grrrr" *Call* He shows the nuts. I actually get a bit tilted. It seems like I'm throwing shade at Ket and maybe at the time my expression was not pleased but who knows? Ket could easily be correct in that spot. Even if he was not he is still a Legend. A "resplendent gentleman" of the highest degree. That's a Corwin Special. Man, I am missing these people in my life.

Bro. 2006. Ket wins a seat to the Main Event. I am sleeping on the floor of the hotel room. We get housekeeping to bring me at least a pillow and a blanket. I tell my sister I will give her all of my PokerStars FPP points if she let's me take her piece of shit MacBook to Vegas. Fucking dullard play. You can't even get PokerStars on a Mac at that point in time. So, I am like 2 tabling on Full Tilt Poker. The whole thing is fucking stupid. Ket let's me play on his laptop. He introduces me to some new metal that he likes. I am lit up with the sonic experiences and I am going HAM vs VaeSolis and the bunch. Ket obviously is trying to findagrind as well so I am back to playing 1 HU SNG Table on Full Tilt Poker on possibly the first MacBook ever made. I want to throw it out the window but that is impossible in Vegas hotels and it isn't my laptop. So, then I start putting in marathon sessions at the Venetian. I gotta say that's a great setup they got down there at the Venetian besides the perfumed air. We find out that RainKhan also won a seat to the Main Event and has an extra bed that I can crash there. Hevad is one of the most unique people I have ever met. It is fun spending time with Hevad.

Ok, where was I?

I get coolered or make a bad call in a big pot and I am a little bit tilted and worn out at this point so I call it a day and book a $23,000 win. I am still feeling pretty good. I decided that I wanted to play the WSOP Main Event. The problem was it started the next day. I had maybe $2,000 in cash on me. I ask Tom what he thinks I should do?

He says something to the extent of, "What is wrong with you, you money burning moron? How could you not be prepared to play the fucking Main Event?!?!?!

That is classic Tom and he wasn't afraid to berate me earlier in my career too. I was winning crazy amounts of money for 2/4 and 3/6 in 2006 but the problem was I wasn't all-in on poker. My parents expected me to get a job after college. I had agreed to take a job as a manager at a start-up golf course before I went to Vegas. While in Vegas it became clear that agreeing to that job was a fucking dullard play but I agreed to work at least the rest of the year when I got back from Vegas. I would work from 6am-6pm and then come home and try to play 5/10 against Samo, BlDSwTTrS, Gogol's Nose, et al. until past midnight, rinse, repeat, ad infinitum.

Quick side note on Gogol's Nose. I remember the day he told me he just bought a shit ton of acres and a mansion in Montana and he was over the moon. I was like, damn, man, I am happy for you but secretly thinking fuck, I need to get my shit together. That is actually kind of the story of my poker career.

So, back to Fall and Winter of 2006. By January I am free from my manager job at the golf course start-up but my bankroll is decimated. I think I am playing 1/2 or even .5/1 and more or less surviving on those $1,500 checks from the PokerStars FPP store. Every time I talk to Tom he berates me for burning money. He strongly suggests that I get more aggressive with my bankroll especially since I had a 10+ptbb/100 at 2/4 in the spring and summer of 2006. I listen to his wise advice. Love you Tom. By the Spring and Summer of 2007 I am crushing 2/4 again. Straate asks me if I want to move to a house in Buenos Aires, Argentina. It does not take me long to say yes and I book the flight. I don't tell anyone anything until the day before I sheepishly ask my mom if she can give me a ride to the airport. But, that is another story.

Back to 2009. I have decided I want to play in the WSOP Main Event the night before it starts with only $2,000 on hand. After Tom finishes berating me he advises that I talk to mig. I go to mig's house and he is in his office at his desk looking like a boss. I sheepishly tell him my predicament. He basically says that that is unfortunate but everything is already budgeted out. No funds bro. That could have been the nice way to say "Get out of here fish!" or it was truthful and he was also thinking "Get out of here you money burning moron! You don't deserve any cash!"

So, the Earth kept spinning and eventually Tom went back to England but he let me stay in his house for an extra day. There was another mutual friend that stayed as well. That morning I woke up and walked in on the mutual friend fucking his girlfriend. I don't think they knew I was even in the house. I didn't think they saw me but I went into fight or flight mode. I remember standing at the front door panicked because my original plan was to just walk out the front door and walk to mig's house to see what they were up to. I remember just standing there frozen. "Ok, ok, ok. ok. ok. All I have to do is open this door and I am free BUT then they might hear me and know I am here...." Then I heard movement and I dove behind a bed in another room. I hid there until they left the house. To this day, I don't know if they knew I was there or not.

Then, later that day I packed up my stuff and travelled back to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

If you were not mentioned in this story it doesn't mean that I do not Love you.

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I have been a member of r/wallstreetbets for quite some time now. I don't often actually go to the sub-reddit but I do always pay attention to threads that show up on my home feed. I remember seeing GME quite a bit here and there and my first instinct was always really? Brick and mortar retail that sells packaged gaming discs? So, I never paid too much attention. But, shit is getting crazy. I didn't know hedge funds were collectively attempting to short GME into bankruptcy (some say at least sketchily or illegally). Sharps like Michael Burry (Christian Bale in The Big Short) and the founder and former CEO of Chewy.com Ryan Cohen (phenomenal service - happy customer for years - he sold the company for $3.5 billion) started betting on GME. I will link some r/wallstreetbets threads that can probably give a better summary than I can. I've actually been trying to stay away from investing stuff lately but I find this fascinating. I am not getting any bets down at this point since I don't entirely understand what is going on and I specifically don't know what the endgame is. I also don't really have any available capital at this point and would have to divest from studied plays. It would be nice to get some bets down just to have skin in the game and some increased pay attention juices flowing but yeah, I don't really know what's going to happen I'm just passing along some info. Maybe some diamond hands on here can make some piles of cash and bust some pieces of shit hedge fund douchebags.

https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbe...oomer_parents_as_baffled_by_your_gme/

https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbe...ium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbe...e_hold_is_working_and_the_squeeze_is/

I tried to join the r/wallstreetbets discord all night but I think it's capped at 40,000+ people. Happy hunting!! [rocket emojis]!!

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So, I am salvaging a desktop setup that I pulled out of my ass. Everything works except the keyboard. The connection piece is busted beyond repair and it's a shitty keyboard anyways so I am going to toss it.

I am looking for a legit mechanical (gaming) keyboard with blue switches at a reasonable price unless mechanical keyboards and blue switches are all a marketing sham in which case I'll go with the $10 keyboard at Amazon.

Also, what's the deal with back lit keyboards? Why the hell would I care about that?

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I have had a lot of thoughts floating around in my head and I want to get some of them down on paper.

I have been fascinated by Twitch lately. I had never really looked into it until recently. It reminds me of cam shows probably because it is cam shows. I remember one time I had to find a place to live out East to cover my sales territory. I heard this one place was kind of good so I got a hotel to scope it out. Somehow I came across these live online sex shows and did that all day. I wasn't even jerking it I was just really interested in how it all worked. By the end of the day I hadn't even checked out any apartments so I ended up not moving there. To this day that's the only time I ever watched live online sex shows. Fast forward maybe 3 years and I am helping this guy out in Alcoholics Anonymous. Turns out he used to fill himself up with meth to do cam sex shows all day so he could fill himself up with meth to party all night so he could fill himself up with good dick into the morning, rinse, repeat, ad infinitum. It's great until it isn't.

So, that is kind of like my first inkling of a feeling in regards to Twitch. There are some good channels though. I watched RaSZi make a run at winning a $5,200 tourney the other day. I thought he made some mistakes but what the fuck do I know? I haven't been profitable in a $5,000 tourney since a live WSOP NLHE event in 2008. Overall, he played great and it was pretty fun to watch. I remember RaSZi and I didn't always see eye to eye but when I met him in Vegas he was friendly and chill. I remember I did an MS Paint of RaSZi tilting which is probably somewhere on this website. Those were the days. Other than that that MS Paint file is long gone. Ironically, one night my friends went out to my favorite sushi restaurant and invited me along but I declined because "games are too good." It was one of those PLO sessions where you literally lose every pot for like 4 hours culminating in Guy Laliberte busto'ing my account. I re-bought for like $1,774. It felt like Harrington10 was laughing at me. I remember yelling "Fuck" so loud I scared my neighbor and then for good measure I punched a hole in my laptop screen. This is partly why I no longer play poker and RaSZi is still around. He has a good attitude about it all.

I have also been watching a lot of Grubby. He was the King of Warcraft III when I was putting the most volume in. These guys have gotten really fucking good. I remember my goal was to go to South Korea. Then I heard that Tillerman wasn't going to play in WCG that year because he was grinding poker. I was like what? Really? Then I looked around the dorms and it seemed like I was surrounded by loads of poker crazed jabronis. Then I look into it more and ElkY is seemingly doing well and Phil Ivey is on the TV. I start winning in the local games and throw some money on Stars and Warcraft III and going to South Korea has vanished from my mind.

It's also crazy to me that someone like Infi can play Warcraft III as well as he does and only have lifetime tournament winnings of ~$400,000. RaSZi probably makes more than that in a year through Twitch streaming, PokerStars sponsorship, and poker winnings and he probably is unprofitable in most of the tougher tourneys these days. Then there is my hero Alberto who plays a Mario Kart 8 Deluxe course literally perfectly and only gets 2,000 views on YouTube.

Shit, I still have all these thoughts floating around. I have to get a walk in before the sun goes down though so maybe I will be back at some point. Tschüss.

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