I just ate a big lunch and have to let it settle a bit before getting back to some reading.
Marcuse talks about how we see our "soul" in the commodities we buy. Or at least some people. That is a pretty shit form of spirituality. It kind of preys on this idea that we should be authentic. We have no "soul" so we can fix that by buying stuff. It's a ruse mastered by the marketing department. I could be falling for it as we speak but I think I am pretty strong in this area. Mostly because I simply don't buy stuff.
That's why I love Nature. The trees don't try and sell my anything. The natural arrangements of the flowers. I can still remember the beauty of the patches of wild violets in the woods behind my childhood home. The sounds of the streams. The birds singing their songs. We can learn a lot from birds. We cannot learn a lot from the "Daily Mirror." "The "intelligent" tabloid."
I have been getting into Allen Ginsberg poetry and William Burroughs novel "Naked Lunch." I don't know if I would say that I am underwhelmed exactly. There is definitely some good stuff there. I just think that period gets a little bit too much credit for the art that was produced. There's definitely some great stuff enmeshed in it all but overall I would say it is overrated. For the times I could see it being a big deal I just don't think it holds up as well as other stuff throughout the history of the earth. I could change my mind as I read more. Maybe, maybe not.
Oh well. I think my food is probably digested enough. Have a good day all. Toodles.
Well, no. There is no one listening. There is no gaze. There is no voice.
What is digital communication anyway?
Who am I writing to?
I miss the Other. Their gaze. Their voice.
I smell bad. I haven't showered in I don't know how many days.
I want to read Theodor Adorno but his paperbacks are like $30 and I ain't readin' no pdf bullshit... Fuck that shit. And he doesn't like jazz music. I wanted to pick up a book on his essays on the culture industry and aesthetics. Oh well.
My therapist told me to write a journal everyday. This probably isn't the format.
I will say I want quarantine to be over but I don't want to go back to work so what do I do?
So, I sit and listen to Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and fill up the white space.
I think if I should have another white tea.
I speak to no one and everyone.
My headphones are really good. I don't buy many things but am really happy with that purchase.
"Walden & Other Writings of Henry David Thoreau" is staring at me on the table...
Roland Barthes lived with his mother until she died. He was 61 I believe. I would like to read more of his philosophy as well. I don't think I want to live with my mother until I am 61 the guy is just intriguing is all.
But at some point maybe you just gotta like say fuck off to these "elitist" philosophers and watch some live punk shows. I feel like a million bucks. I've got too much energy and I don't know what to do with it. I need to find new creative outlets. Or old creative outlets.
I feel like punching nazis and hugging homeless people.
My French sucks. I wish it were better. Time and energy. What do we do with our time and energy?
It is easy to fall into a routine while working. We work, we rest for work, we work. In quarantine i seemingly have an excess of time. I am not working so i have plenty of willpower and energy. What do we spend our time and energy on?
I am currently reading Jean Baudrillard's "Fatal Strategies." It is pretty good but is it the best that the world has to offer?
I am currently listening to smoke a blunt and chill with the special lady friend music and writing a blog. Maybe i can get to the bottom of this issue maybe not.
We only get a certain amount of time and energy what do we do with it?
I am on the brink of losing it in quarantine. I would have never read "Being and Time" if it weren't for quarantine. I'm glad i got to it. I am a drug addict. I'm looking for that same level of flow. It was like i was taking hits on that Byung-Chul Han until i scale it up real special with some Heidegger. Maybe i need to come down again on some literature. What if i don't even feel like reading? or painting? I am fucked. I need good drugs to get me through this. I am out of yellow paint. That is an annoyance. And i don't want to go back to my job when this is all through. So, i need some plans man. I need some plans man! Such strange times. At the same time i tell myself to just take it one day at a time and that's all i can really do.
Am i the only one that feels this pressure to optimize my time and energy in quarantine?
I don't know if it's even that i just don't want to engage in news, gossip, entertainment, social media. Idle talk basically. Fleeing from myself and the fact that i will die. Or more simply it's a waste of time and energy.
I am going to die though. That's the impetus here. Of course i like pleasure and tranquility though too. I do not know if i need some grand project or narrative either. That's always a mindfuck. The truth is there is no project or narrative that defies death but in the grips of an adventure life feels alive. I can take a walk in nature and feel the breeze and watch the birds. "Being and Time" made me feel ALIVE. I am just a drug addict looking for good drugs. I am knocking off the rust in my German to pass the time but that is fiddly sticks. When is the revolution? We are too late. The world as we know it is over.
here is a gooey song:
Maybe i will end it there. When is the revolution? Oops. We are too late. The world is already over and has been for a while.
I am reading Heidegger's "Being and Time." hiems would immediately jump to the conclusion that i am status signaling. He says i am trying to oppress him and create a new world where i am high status because i read books. I would like to see a world where intellectualism is valued especially outside of academia. But part of this blog was that i wish to take a break from all this utopia talk. I am sick of it at the moment. I need a break. That's why i am reading Heidegger "Being and Time." It's something that i have meant to read for a long time and is pure contemporary, continental philosophy. No critical theory, etc. But i guess i have to touch on the utopia to some degree. My dad is a very smart man, my brother too. Reading 1 page of Heidegger would be confusing and boring for them most likely. I read my dad some Baudrillard before and he just said "I don't understand one word of what you just said. Why do you read that?" I don't want a world where people have to use their leisure reading philosophy but i DO want a world where people have that option. It is very difficult to read let alone comprehend philosophy working full time+ hours. I can count the number of women on one hand that thought my knowledge of Nietzsche or Sartre was sexy. Actually i can only think of 1 women in my life that even knew i knew Nietzsche and Sartre and it's debatable if she thought it was sexy. That isn't going to change anytime soon. I am not trying to oppress anyone I am for 0 hierarchies remember? How we get there is a whole different topic. I don't know how we get there and I don't want to think about it at the moment. If someone has suggestions I'm all for it but I don't have any suggestions besides just slow, gradual change which we probably end up going extinct to climate catastrophe instead of actually finding an alternative to late capitalism. I need to hang out with my leftist friends TT.
Even in anarchist spaces there are still hierarchies. In Food Not Bombs one of the members is a chef. When she is in the kitchen we are equals but we understand that she is a chef and give her authority.
When i don't have late capitalism to complain about i don't have much of a blog.
Roderick talks irt Heidegger about how we have this underlying anxiety about death. And i think this is an idea Sartre takes from Heidegger but we have this freedom to live life authentically. I mean we are going to die after all right? What do we have to lose?
But, as Roderick says there is more to life than authenticity. We can authentically be Nazis (*cough* Heidegger *cough*). So, morality plays a part but as Sartre says when the chips are down there is no ethics, no thought experiment that can help. Do you stay with a dying mother? Or, do you leave and fight with your comrades?
My dad and my brother invested into the sciences and business. Most would say their investments were better than mine. For me I would disagree and i suppose that is all that really matters. I am not trying to create a world where science and entrepreneurship are stifled. Remember, i don't actually know what kind of world i want to create besides one that is kinder and more fair. What i do know is that being a human in this world can be tough. We will see how much wisdom Heidegger has to offer.
I started a Liquid Poker discord channel for chatting about anything. Kind of like the Starcraft/Warcraft days of talking about strat in the chat but then inevitably talking about all other sorts of stuff. Same with poker and MSN days. I don't really know how it will go but I clicked some buttons and it is up and running.
I woke up early (7am) and did my taxes. I may be getting on the manic side.... Mania in quarantine.... that is bad news... or good news for everyone else perhaps. I have a decent refund supposedly coming to me. If Bernie gets me another $2k I'll be looking pretty good. Just continue to study stuff and talk to people. I'm currently on "The Conquest of Bread" by Kropotkin. Pretty fucking classic if you ask me. Byung-Chul Han has a new book coming out. I kind of want to re-read his stuff. I also want to re-read Mark Fisher. Those 2 guys are my guys. Get up on that shit if you haven't already. "The Burnout Society" by Han and "Capitalist Realism" by Mark Fisher are must reads.
I went to the beach this morning to take a walk and it was CLOSED. The bathrooms were CLOSED too. I really needed to take a pee so I just turned back around but I have all this energy I was going to use for a walk to just sit around doing ????
I don't remember what documentary I was watching but there was a kindergarten in Deutschland that did all the classwork in nature. I want to mix that nature aspect with Montessori principles and start my own kindergarten. I don't want it to be private and expensive but open to anyone in the area with somehow keeping class sizes to the appropriate level. Ideally for vulnerable children. I don't have any Montessori certification or capital at this point but this is something I could focus on.
I have ideas but no followthrough. Would I be good at this? Would I enjoy this?
Now is the time to study and think about what I would really like to do.
My therapist says she thinks my underlying sadness and dissatisfaction will go away if I get the work/productive aspect of my life more figured out. I like what Kropotkin says on the matter but it is not possible TODAY. I would love to work 25 hours a week on something I am passionate about and still have the other hours for leisure and non-bourgeois luxury. That seems just about ideal.
Right now I feel that my big task is getting all the local AA meetings from live meetings to online meetings. I did a meeting last night on Zoom and it worked out pretty well.
Other than that it's go for walks, stay inside, study. Now is the time for change. We have learned a lot about capitalism in a short time in this situation.
It's funny today I made a bunch of tips and it's kind of a rush. I made about $200 in 7 hours which is a far cry from the $25,000 in 7 hours I used to make on occasion but it's not bad for my current position.
I didn't get off in time to hit up Food Not Bombs but that's ok. They'll survive, I'll survive, we'll all survive.
I spoke to a wise friend about A (sex addict/current crush). It was very valuable we had a really nice conversation for like an hour and a half. Basically, I need more information. What does her sex addiction actually mean and what does it entail? Is she actually not dating for 90 days? Is she abstinent? If not then it's time to ask her on a date. If so then it's time to be a supportive friend even if that lands me in the friend zone if I'm not already there.
It's kind of funny though. The last crush that I was talking about I ended up sitting next to her at the movies tonight as friends and there was no crush left whatsoever. She is just a cool woman. That could be what happens here too but we will see. I'm crushing too hard over these women though. I need even more women in my life or maybe not. I was reading up on a sex addict website that the key is to let the feelings "starve and die" so in a way I am doing the wrong thing by going on Tinder a bunch, and checking out Pornhub. It just makes me horny and crazy all the time. That's when I need to watch some BreadTube vids, listen to the local DSA podcast, or read up on some anarchist theory or whatever.
I feel like A might have complete control of the situation. A sex addict has experience and powers. Why has she decided to seduce me? She has said that I am her idol. I am out of my depths here. I was hoping she would be at the meeting tonight. You ever have a connection with someone that is kind of like a drug. It is many times the man that has to make the decisive move. I want to be finished with suppressing my flirtations and charisma I just want to be in a dating situation for that. Or just not give a fuck and unleash the power level in front of all of the AA crowd. Oh well, I'm just tired but can't quite sleep yet so I am just ruminating on the situation. Why am I fixating on this woman? It was our recent conversations. She is a different kind of woman but full of sexual charisma. I feel like we could talk for hours, fuck for hours, and talk for hours.
It's my birthday today. I think there are always some reflection around these times. My parents offered to take me out to dinner. I wanted to try this sushi restaurant downtown. It ended up being really expensive and I felt uncomfortable about how expensive these pieces of fish were. I just didn't like the whole vibe of the place. Playing like fancy club music and all the decor. I felt like a class traitor in this place. I ended up getting a bunch of nigiri for way too much money and then thoroughly enjoyed it. It was delectable. Ugh. Now, I just feel dirty about the whole thing.
Then I went out with some friends. The sex addict from the last blog ended up sitting next to me. She was touching me a lot. It made me slightly uncomfortable. I've never met someone like her. She may have some sort of spell on me. We were at a crowded table and she was talking to only me for a long time as if no one else was at the table. That made me slightly uncomfortable. But then I realized I would actually just like to talk to her with no one else at the table. Conversation opened up a bit and I felt more comfortable but then I realized the conversation with her was much more interesting. She was giving other people attention but I wanted that full attention back. I want her touch and attention. I want to date her but she isn't going on dates yet. I want her to wrap those long legs around me. I want to see that ass in reverse. etc. but I don't want to fuck with her recovery (or mine). I have this relationship with her as basically a wise friend or therapist when needed which may or may not be sexy. I shouldn't even be worried about what is sexy. She is a sex addict in recovery meaning I would be a shitty person to try and manipulate that. But I feel like she knows all of this and is also very wise herself. I am actually trying to be anti-flirtatious and anti-charismatic. And I don't think her touching was flirtatious... I was happy when she sat down next to me but also maybe dreaded it a little bit because I don't know how to act around her. The more I get to know her the more I want to spend time with her but she told me she isn't dating for 90 days and is abstinent from sex and I want to respect that. I guess just keep seeing her when I see her and try and find some other candidates to date. I want to be supportive of her recovery first and foremost she just put a spell on me that I can't seem to shake. Tinder sucks. For some reason I look at my Food Not Bomb comrades as comrades not potential dates. I need women to come into my life to shake me from this spell. Or just have a sexual relationship with the sorceress... This is why they say in AA that it should be the men with the men and the women with the women. I don't think it was a good idea for me to get that intimate with her the other day. I am not a therapist. I haven't taken any hippocratic oaths. I am just some guy who hasn't gotten laid in far too long and I have got plenty of issues of my own.
I don't know. I was talking to a friend today who was struggling quite a bit. I remember when I was in early recovery I used to compulsively write journals and it got me through some sketchy times and suggested that she keep a journal. It got me thinking that journalling still gets me through some times so I'll write one. But I don't really feel an urgent need to get stuff down. That woman ended up sharing quite a bit to me on the walk back from the restaurant. I hope she can find some peace tonight. She thanked me for being her therapist for the night. I do what I can. That's really my mo these days. How can I be useful? She is a sex addict with 11 days with out sex and is going a little crazy. Part of me wants to be that guy that picks her up and we go back to her apartment and share some orgasms and more intimate conversation but for the better I am not that guy. It actually feels better to be there for someone who is struggling and suffering than the gratification of flirtations and fucking. We should all be in this together. Yeah, she would feel better getting some clitoral attention and vitamin D but I am not going to be that guy to fuck with her recovery. Not at the moment at least... No tellin' what tomorrow will bring.
Food Not Bombs was cool today too. I realized one of the people there is the first ze/zir person I've ever met. Ze is super cool. It feels weird and clunky to use these pronouns to be honest. Just takes some getting used to I suppose. The oven broke at the headquarters so we had to split up and cook the food at different peoples' homes. The only prep work was mincing up some garlic which I did pretty quickly so once we were at our comrade's house it was mostly just chilling and talking as the food cooked which was cool. These Food Not Bombs people are really my people. I'm so glad I jumped off the cliff and finally went.
The new job seems ok. So far I actually make more on slow days than I did at Whole Foods and I think I prefer the work over making pizzas all day and cleaning up. We will see.
We will see.
What else?
I wish I could write blogs like Mark Fisher but that is just like unreasonable I think. He may be the best blog writer I've ever come across. Really one of the best writers I've come across. I suppose just writing personal journals comes more easily to me. I don't know if I ever have the hankering to write essays supported with all sorts of sources. That takes a lot of work. I would know I'm a history major. On big projects I felt like I had to be an expert on every source and it was kind of maddening. Although typically to make an argument you just need to dig through the databases and library shelves to find the "correct" sources. Many sources are typically pretty easy to just throw out depending on the argument. Then the attention to detail needed with all the footnotes was always a pain in the ass. I don't feel that I missed out on not going into academia. Today was a good day. I just need to figure out how to structure my life so more of my days can be like today. It might start with moving from full time to 30ish hours or less if I can swing it. It could also start with doing a job that is actually useful. If I could find a NGO that suits me that doesn't have dubious donors I think that is the goal. There are so many things I'd rather do than work. Some may think that is laziness. I just think it should be normal. I'm sick of my labor being exploited. I'm sick of the way the oligarchy is structured. Like I had a dinner with my parents and family friends who were all boomers. I had to hold my tongue so much. It is appalling what they actually believe. I was angry. Mark Fisher says that political anger fends off depression but the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments will get me drunk. I think they are both right so it is a slippery slope. I am doing more work with unions with I am absolutely loving. I am one that believes in worker collectives rather than the government as being more effective for change. That's where the true power lies. Bernie is no savior but it certainly wouldn't hurt if he were in the White House.
I think that's about it. But I will say it again that everyone should check out Burial.
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