Sometimes I want to snort cocaine and do heroineby RiKD, December 22
I wrote a too long blog post last night and did not title it and clicked post and lost it. Probably for the better. I have a feeling this is some form of addiction, habit, routine. I appreciate the feedback. It feels like I am inching forward.
So, yesterday I worked close to close fueled by caffeine, anxiety, and adrenaline. I was speed making everything all day. In a way it was kind of fun. I enjoy cutting onions, peppers, mozzarella, et al. It is fun to see how fast I can go without cutting myself. I have a night's sleep under my belt now I don't feel as worried about what will happen when I am not there. We have been getting slammed recently most likely due to the holidays and I was barely keeping us afloat and I am not sure if the new guy can keep up. The restaurant may just run out of food too because the owner did not buy enough. I guess these are problems out of my control. I am going on vacation to visit family for a handful of days and would like to enjoy it. One thing about yesterday is I was all amped up thinking about ways I could incorporate speed into my day. Caffeine half life is too small and I don't like having to drink coffee or energy drinks all day. I was thinking of starting to do coke. Then I am in the bathroom every 30 min. lol. Adderall might be the play. I am trying to lose a bit of weight too so if I don't eat that is all the better.
Grimes - Visions is a good album.
So, we are cosmically insignificant. Cosmically nothing. So close to zero it might as well be zero but why does this music effect me so? Why does this Monet make my soul sing?
I feel a kinship to Basquiat. Frantically going from one thing to the other look for some opium to quell the demons. The negative structures of life. When my drinking was at its worst in Shittown, IN I was slightly psychotic for months. I covered my apartment in journals, poetry, philosophy, artwork, whatever. When my dad came out when I went into the psych ward he threw all of that away no questions. I still may have a resentment about that. It doesn't really matter. I really have yet to find my stride. Sometimes it feels like I am settling in many parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to get something, to get somewhere. Is my job good enough for now or am I cheating myself by not getting something "better"? I am slowly meeting quality people. That is all I can really ask for. Things to think about.
I am really liking this Willow - F Q-C #8
Just grab your neighbor's hand and get comfortable. Just as long as I don't have to say a Lord's Prayer.
Sometimes I feel like a rat in a cage. Where is the Rat Fun Park? Paris, patios, and picnic tables. I met a student from Paris once and he said students get into the Luvre for free. He would go everyday. That is heaven. Not this stuff they talk about in the Lord's Prayer. I mean there is no evidence for anything as far as I know. I think it is a bit tougher to think about just dying and ceasing to exist. IMMORTALITY is what we all dream about. Would we even want that if it were possible? Does death add to life? I know I get more of a thrill out of driving really fast because I might crash and get injured or die.
In the land of Gods and Monsters,
I was an angel,
Looking to get fucked hard.
I love this woman. I just wanted to share those two but I am back listening to the Born to Die/Paradise deluxe album. I find I like Lust for Life as well. Have never got into Ultraviolence or Honeymoon as much. I may just be sleeping on those.
Finished the quick intro to Morin and am excitedly waiting for On Complexity in the mail. I don't know what I am doing next. I may finish The Communist Manifesto by Marx or start some Freud. I figure I should finish those 2 before getting to the Postmodernists. Then I will probably go Foucault, Derrida, Baudrillard. Or, I might just read Morin. There is also Tree of Knowledge just hanging out at the moment. I will of course turn to Money by Martin Amis when I want something a bit lighter.
I am a secular extrovert. I am not sure what secular has to do with becoming an unemployed recluse being bad for me. I definitely need people in my life though (extrovert).
I take myself too seriously sometimes. Sometimes it is good to be serious. Other times it is time to lighten up and laugh and smile. I need to recognize this in my day to day life.
I've really just got some time to kill before the meeting. Now I've written some stuff. I might as well click post and add on if I think of anything.
Today I get a day off. My circadian rhythm held true. I was up with the sun more or less and I feel pretty good. I have thrown on Zola Jesus and I am going to see where it takes me. Many times I think it is best to write with complete silence but who really cares right?
I don't like when new acquaintances tell me to pray. It has been almost a shocking revelation in some circles that I don't pray and it has become an annoyance in my life. At the core I go to AA because I have a desire not to drink. I suppose it is problematic that one of the steps is to carry the message of AA and another step is to pray and meditate. This just was not a problem in Pittsburgh but there is a different culture here probably influenced by being in the bible belt. I really don't want to get into arguments with these people. I just won't pray and share my perspective if they ask but otherwise it is water under the bridge except it is not because I am writing about it. I want things to be different when I should accept that prayer and in god we trust and god bless america are a part of where I am. I just need to find others that are more on the same page but also not give up on certain people just because they have decided to pray.
The fact that I don't put thyme in the Italian or the balsamic vinaigrette is going to chase me until I start putting it in I think. I woke up thinking about that this morning and was like "fuck." It may seem like a little thing but it itches at me at times. It makes work that little more stressful. I am also a bit stressed because we have another guy getting some hours in but he is not very good and I don't know if it will be enough but all I can really do is do my best. I think it is why the thyme thing bothers me because that is not my best and I know it. I should not be stressing over work on my days off but I suppose it is a natural thing from time to time.
This Zola Jesus is pretty good. I am on Veka and really digging it.
Speaking of Jesus one of my friends at work and I were having a discussion on my break. He is a young guy like 21 I think but he is a voracious reader and very inquisitive. We always have good conversations. To think a dishwasher and a prep cook at a chain restaurant having lucid conversation on Socrates and other topics. He cracked me up though. We were talking about dominance hierarchies and potentially being free from them and he basically said he was addicted to materialism:
"Man, if Jesus comes back you think he wouldn't take a spin in a lambo?"
I don't think he would but america's Jesus certainly would. He would be toting guns, eating big macs, and fucking big breasted blondes.
It's a shame though that these youth have that programming. That materialism is god. God bless materialism. God bless Capitalism. Got bless America. America. Such a ridiculous usage. What about South America? United States of America. Such a crock. They are not in the least bit united. I rather live in France or Denmark but I am here. Might as well make the best of it. I am alive might as well make the best of it. I was born to suffer and die. Great. Let's get on with it eh? This song "Half Life" is making my existence a bit better. Strings should really be included in more songs. People don't give orchestras and symphonies enough credit. That is probably truly the most beautiful music. There is nothing like a live orchestra performance in a good venue. I remember seeing a performance of Shostakovich and just having tears streaming down my face it was so powerful. Just driving around in my car getting lost in Bach.
I'll have to get into this Chelsea Wolfe. Just comes out all dark and heavy. I was like man this might be a bit too much for my relaxed Sunday morning but I am digging it. Loco, have you ever listened to Massive Attack? I feel like you might like their Mezzanine album.
My family does a Secret Santa thing where the siblings get each other 1 gift so we don't have to get like 10 gifts for everyone. My Secret Santa asked what I want and I couldn't even think of anything. I supposed I could use a hoody but I didn't really want to shop for one. I suppose I'll do some shopping now. No Gods No Masters:
I have to get ready for a super secret meeting of people in the restaurant industry. We'll see how that goes. I got invited to go to a party today but I don't think I will go. The guy who is hosting it did not even know my name. I don't want to show up and no zero people in someone's home. I think I am just a bit burnt out on AA people. I will go tonight to speak to people in a detox. That is always worthwhile. I am thinking about just talking about how much I didn't want to be in AA and still don't in a way but it is the best thing I found and I don't want to drink and my life is a lot better than it was and things are pretty good today. No telling what tomorrow brings but today is ok.
Days off are nice. Back to listening to music and writing stuff on LP.
Most importantly I want to say that Rick Roderick is on FIRE in this "Self under siege" series on youtube. We all should watch it.
Next I want to post what Spotify says was my most played songs in 2017. Hopefully, others also got this feature and it might be some fun.
1.) VIVID DREAMS - KAYTRANADA
2.) No - Nicolas Jaar
3.) BULLETS - KAYTRANADA
4.) HUMBLE. - Kendrick Lamar
5.) Time for Us - Nicolas Jaar
6.) 15 Step - Radiohead
7.) LEAVE ME ALONE - KAYTRANADA
8.) Odessa - Caribou
9.) Optimistic - Radiohead
10.) ELEMENT. - Kendrick Lamar
11.) Sun - Caribou
12.) Everything In Its Right Place - Radiohead
13.) Nights - Frank Ocean
14.) Bodysnatchers - Radiohead
15.) Midnight Marauders Tour Guide - A Tribe Called Quest
16.) Pink + White - Frank Ocean
17.) Migration - Bonobo
18.) The Tourist - Radiohead
19.) Song for Isabelle - Stimming
20.) You May Die (Intro) - Outkast - ATLiens
A lot of first songs on albums or I always played KAYTRANADAS album on loop starting at VIVID DREAMS. I was crazy on that for a while.
I would be interested to see others. Always, like finding new music. You know I never listened to Mumford and Sons before a week ago? Crazy.
Life is pretty good. I don't have anything I want to complain about. Just watch Self Under Siege and post Spotify top 20 2017! Enjoy the Holidays!
Got torn a new asshole when I moved up lol. Seems like believing in your own bullshit can fuck with you and it's a bad habit of mine. ATH is within striking distance and getting more consistent and less swingy results now. Developed a drip-style of moving up instead of just doubling the bet amounts. My first month results were mostly clicking buttons with very little research on teams and how they've behaved (integrity wise) Playing stand-ins, online vs lan tourney, forum swaying by shills and past history play a great role in determining the best decision when betting these games. No guarantees of course, but you tilt less knowing you could have not done it any better.
December will probaly be less streaky but also less stressful. I hope there's a reason why my BR hasn't been wiped out clean yet lol.
So a few years back I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I started cooking some self-treatment solutions this year. Surprisingly, thing have turned around and I'm doing alright. I'd like to move to California, Colorado, or one of the States where weed is legal, but so far haven't had the chance.
Money is kind of tight at the moment because I was part of a major doctoral program that closed (Emory University), and was unable to get my master's despite having a 4.0 (because I was unable to complete the thesis for the degree).
Ultimately I got suspended from the university where I completed my undergraduate because of problems related to schizophrenia and evicted from my apartment in Auburn, Alabama. I could never really get schizophrenia under control. I got addicted to ayahuasca and Kung Fu--and that's how I got evicted. I was screaming at night in the parking lot and kicking all the trees.
You can see you can make around 30lbs. of Ayahuasca for about $2,000 if you buy in bulk online. One of the best sites is Mr. Botanical--I guess the ability to get DMT is pretty commonplace these days, but I only discovered it not too long ago. I think I went through about 1kg of Ayahuasca myself in the past year. Definitely this is the best legal solution if you're an enterprising martial artist.
Anyway, "drugs" and so on aside (stuff we usually associate with legality obstacles)--I ended up moving to Atlanta, Georgia where I'm working on some programming projects and writing Philosophy. It would be a lot more straight-forward if I were more accredited, and so the futures projections aren't great at the moment. I ended up selling a First-Edition Charizard a couple days ago for around $4,000. Unfortunately I was unable to get the card delivered because (surprisingly) UPS doesn't deliver to post office boxes. I'm having to get the card re-routed to me on Monday.
It was an aggravating experience from start-to-finish. UPS doesn't deliver to post office boxes, and won't deliver to a post office either: This because USPS and UPS are different companies. International customer service can't re-route transactions, either and so ultimately I have to make an extra trip to a local UPS store to get the original shipment sent back.
I bought some insurance on the shipment so I hope the card is returned in good condition. I'm headed to the local Zen center to see how it is while I wait on all this shipment-related questions to be resolved.
So bitcoin is going nuts, it broke 10k today!!!! I am actually a part of history as I have purchased 1 BTC at 10001 as the wall broke. Sold it a bit later for tiny profit. Didnt expect it to go much higher before a pullback.
BUT SHIT, MAINSTREAM IS REALLY GETTING INTO BITCOIN. ITS FUCKING NUTS.
All my friends are asking me about bitcoin, all of them asking how to invest, all of them suddenly talking about bitcoin. My mom is advising me which ones I should Buy. When just few months ago nobody talked about it. I was the only nutzo.
It is on the front of biggest newspapers, its on CNBC, its on Sydney Morning Herald.
Big money is coming in RIGHT NOW. It seems the financials have finally decided to make money off it. And they want to make ETF's, Index Funds, Hedge funds, investment firms, and they are all buying Bitcoins and other main cyptos in order to create these funds. Russia said they want to introduce the Cypto Ruble. Hahahaha
FUUUUUCKing price is going nuts. It was all time highs for BTC, ETH, LTC, DASH, ETC, MONERO. AND OTHERS
So what this all means is that the prices are going to go through the roof. the BIG BOYS are moving in. Not that the price hasn't already gone nuts this whole year. WTF BTC alone is like 10x this year. And going higher. other Alts went up even more.
Poll: Which side are you on?
(Vote): Bitcoin Core, I Love Blockstream especially bcos they are sponsored by Status Quo Bankers
(Vote): Another Altcoin
(Vote): I have my Own opinion
I have this weird thing where I think I can't do much of anything for an hour after eating food. No showers, no laying down in bed... That might be it really but I like to read lying down in bed.
PORNOGRAPHY
So, since I can't do something great like read I do something to fill in the gaps like go to LP or pornography. I don't know what I am doing just sitting there enjoying the show. It all looks to be the same after a while. Until I got to Kendra Sunderland. I think I like really large breasts in pornography for the viewership but it doesn't really make much of a difference for me in real life (not true OBV!). I dated this woman who had virtually no breasts. She had great eyes and great conversation. That is a pretty great combination. I am staring at these beautiful eyes have meaningful conversation one can just get lost in it all. She didn't need breasts.
Anyways, I really should be asking myself if this is how I want to spend my day off?
Watching pornography and writing bullshit. I went and risked a handjob in the bathroom for ole Kendra Sunderland. When I was done it hit me... Oh shit, how will I get out? It was kind of a fun handjob. That may not be said for most. I think I am building up a pretty solid pornography addiction (again?). Nah, it's not really causing problems yet. It is just not really something I should be spending much time on. Probably, similar to this blog, my entire blog catalog, this website. Laugh out loud.
I was talking to my therapist today and she thinks I should just continue focusing on getting a social circle out here. See how that goes. See if I like it. Don't worry so much about getting a new job and moving out and getting an apartment. I feel pretty content right now. I am not ashamed of living with my parents. It is fun meeting new people and getting to know people better.
I started reading "Tree of Knowledge" by Maturana. We should all read it and get a discussion going so it will be more fun. Otherwise, I think Martin Amis "Money" is going to beat it out for reading preference. Loco says "Tree of Knowledge" can be a life changing book. I liked the first chapter. Maybe I will go read that.
I think this is a rough one. Today has been a day where I just threw on some sweatpants and I am sweatpantsin' the day away. They are not even cool sweatpants. Just some ok sweatpants without the laces for the waist band because they took them out when I was in the psych ward those bastards. It's nice to not be in there though. It's nice to have my meds down pretty well. I want another wank to my girl Kendra. I could get it on my phone. That is better than reading of course....
A lot of my life is negotiating with the word enough. What is enough? I have trouble with enough.
I just float around the meetings helping people if I can and meeting people if I can. Sometimes I can help someone and time keeps on slipping into the future. We go out for burgers on Monday nights and that is a good time. I met a vegan today. It was funny how the guys are all trying to be masculine and talk about meat eating. She brought up that she is making a vegan sweet potato casserole with sweet potatoes from her mother's garden and I thought that sounded INCREDIBLE. All the other guys were ripping on it and saying it sounds gross. I don't have a crush on her but she is a pretty cool chick. That is the thing though we have a good 2 hours and time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future. I watch some Bojack Horseman and become one and time keeps on slipping. Now, I get some words down and later maybe I read some "Money" by Martin Amis. All great ways to spend some time. Before I know it I will be back at the restaurant prepping food. Cutting 2 cases of mozzarella pays for about a third tank of gas. Making some meatballs pays for 2 weeks of Monday night dinners and fun. Cutting grape tomatoes pays for a week's worth of meeting donations. That is how I have to think about it. I really should be doing a better job of seeing what is out there. I am not better than what I am doing but there is better out there that I can be doing.
That really may be the best I get. Helping someone, dinner with friends, Bojack Horseman, "Money" by Martin Amis. I used to experience euphoria. It was so so fleeting. Maybe I get 20 speed and vodkas deep and catch the peak of a great joint and "Adagio for Strings" comes on at a massive Tiesto concert. Doing goood ecstasy for the first time at a bomb ass rave. Those are just some that come to mind. The high can last a while but then it's over. Life hangovers. At some point I am going to need a better job if... if... I need this because.... I need this or else.... What the fuck? What do we really need really?
Fight Night 37: Day of the Fightby NotSorry, November 19
Tried to do the responsible thing and get to sleep at a decent hour, big mistake. Ended up waking up at 3am unable to get back to sleep, logged in a few games of hextcg and played with the pups til around 8am. Headed out for our now traditional fight day family breakfast with Mother and Grandma. As per usual got me the steak and eggs, in honor of the greatest HW ever Fedor! No potato soup tho lol.
After breakfast hit up morning class Muay Thai to run some drills and get a good sweat in. Mostly focusing on sliding inside against wide punches with a combo ending in clinch and of course knees. Discussed our game plan of keeping a high tight guard and attacking the lead leg with heavy kicks while waiting for an opening to slide inside on the counter. Got the blessings and support of the team and headed home to rest.
Headed down to the casino for a rules meeting, medical checks and the other back stage stuff. Then it was off to upstairs staging grounds and a lot of waiting. We were originally the 4th fight of the night so didn't even bother warming up til after the face offs. After what seems like eternity, in reality a little of two hours, we wrap up and get checked out by the commission and signed off.
I've broken my wrists a lot over the years so in training I hold back a lot of power, but with a stiff wrap job it's like a scene from an anime as someone removes the seal on your power and you can feel it flow back into you waiting to be unleashed. HULK SMASH!
We get the call that it's time to line up and head down for the face offs. Due to miscommunication or some planning error we end up standing at the edge of the walk way for a good 20minutes, really fucked up for the guys in the first fight who were all warmed up and ready to go. Finally they give the signal and we pile into the cage. One by one they call out the matches and the fighters take center of the ring and square off. I hear my name and step up and get met half way to the center by my opponent screaming in my face, he had his mouth guard in and was speaking so fast, I couldn't understand at all what he was saying so I started to laugh at him and asked him to repeat himself several times as he tried to act hardcore. The rest of the face offs were rather civil. The first fighters stayed behind as the rest of us headed back to the staging area.
Shortly after getting to the back we are informed that our fight has been moved up to the 3rd slot. Barely after time to get my gloves on and signed off as the first fight ended in I believe under 1 min. We get maybe 2mins of warm up on pads and get called to line up. 2nd fight lasted just over 2mins and we were up. He was the first to be called down, then my music hits.
As always for more updates and pictures of my puppies you can follow me at:
'In life, if you don't wanna get caught by sharks, you gotta be a shark yourself.'
The quote from one of the greatest pictures in the history of Polish film seems to perfectly fit the situation in the world of poker. A tiny slump is enough for the opponents to sense that your game is way worse than what you're capable of when you're totally in shape. The beginning of October was not very good for me, I had a rough time with making myself actually play, and even when that happened, the quality of my performance was definitely not up-to-par. Over the course of my career, however, I got used to the fact that it's almost impossible to eliminate the periods of lower productivity.
I must say, though, the return to the adequate form after the U.S. escapade was much faster than I expected, it was smoother than the aftermath of my trip to Asia. All in all, in Vegas I was working with chips a bit, so the poker break was much shorter.
I finally started to regularly work on the game 'beyond the tables'. It's easy to become self-complacent and ignore this element of your poker career if you're getting good results. For years, I was somehow getting away with laziness when it comes to education, so it was hard to sacrifice some time for learning. But there's always some room for improvement and elevating your playing to the next level. In my case, the biggest place for growth is playing preflop, which I was neglecting for years, avoiding it, while working on leaks I was aware of. While I feel that postflop is much more intuitive, it's worth to spend a bit of time for preflop 'in da lab'. This is why I'm trying to develop optimal strategy, considering many factors: 3betting tendencies, tendencies of the players on blinds when I'm on BTN, range which I should open from CO, depending who's on my left, etc.
In this case, the added value is also this: the stronger my game is tactics-wise, the tougher my mindset gets. In 'The Mental Game of Poker' Jared Tandler said that tilt is very often the result of the insufficient theoretical knowledge, and it's very accurate in my case. Instead of beating your head against the wall, and getting irritated because the opponents adjust to your strategy, it's fundamental to work on the strategy which will be an answer to the gameplan of the rival.
Another big change in my game which appeared over the last few months is even bigger manipulation of sizings than ever before. Years ago when the reg population constantly betted 2/3p or even shove in 4b pots, I began to use microsizing, being completely convinced that it gives me way wider scope of movement in my range. There are spots in NLH when our FE is basically the same whether we bet 2/3p or 1/2p, and the differences in EV of the play, when we decrease our sizing, will be far more significant and will positively affect our overall winrate.
Some of you asked me about private coaching, once again thank you for the interest, I will try to put up an offer possibly in the beginning of the next year. I had really intense August and September, I needed to spend a lot of time, and even more energy, on the investment in real estate which I decided to do. At this moment pretty much everything's been taken care of, and it seems the peace of mind is back at my home. Moreover, I must decide which form of coaching I'd rather do, whether I should do hourly sessions or staking+coaching formula, however I'm inclined to insist on long-term cooperation, rather than couple of lessons only.
Last but not least, some pleasant photos, a chart from the last two months, almost 50k in post rakeback ev is a really fine score, unfortunately jerks cheated #polish_curse
The report from the trip to the Grand Canyon coming soon.
While training most the time you don't know who you'll be fighting next, so I've always pictured some Brock Lesnar looking motherfucking monster to push myself. The constant thought of them being bigger, stronger, faster than myself forcing me to be smarter and more technical in my approach. So far in my career, I've always been the smaller competitor, in boxing, in jiujitsu, and mma, I'm naturally a 185er, but I've always chose to fight at heavyweight. For the first time I'm going into this fight as the larger competitor against another guy who is probably a 185er in the current system.
This opponent has talked endless shit online, calling out pass and present teammates of mine, many of whom oddly enough helped train him for his last fight and I haven't replied at all, so I was looking forward to seeing if he would say something at the weigh-ins and as expected not a chance v_v kind of disappointing lol. I weighed in at 241 fully dressed in a sweater, room was freezing so wasn't gonna strip down and walk around for pictures, fuck that noise. Super uneventful weigh-ins and face off, then him and his team wanted to be all friendly and chat/joke around, I don't got time for that crap so my people and I just left to grab some food. Now back at home playing some League of Legends and Hex TCG relaxing.
As always for more updates and pictures of my puppies you can follow me at:
So, I think I am a little irritable right now. I am really only writing this because I have 40 min. until I can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but I have some thoughts to unload so here we go:
Do we get to choose meaning or does meaning find us???
I can say hey there is a cute kitten that was in a horrible hoarding situation and needs a home. I don't really know if it will provide meaning. Maybe the meaning doesn't kick in until later. I am taking care of this kitten and it is getting better and we are bonding and I love it even more. Now, I am feeling some meaning. That my existence is not completely insignificant. I mean it is insignificant but at least on this Earth it does not feel that way. It is Sartre's idea that we are free and autonomous to choose the life that we want. Can we pick out our meanings? Are enough meaningful endeavors pretty much known at this point or is it completely individualistic in what will tickle the fancy?
I have been talking a lot about love songs and songs. I guess there is a song for everything but there certainly seems to be a lot of songs about love. There are certainly a lot of advertisements about getting the one. I have never really been magically in love with someone that loves me back so I really can't speak on it to be honest but these songs just seem to be capturing that which I can understand but that is not how the world works. That has got to be fleeting just like every other damn positive thing on this planet. I think this boils down to do I need to get laid? Will a partner make me "happier"? I don't even think I am in the business of searching for happiness anymore. There is some more fleeting bullshit. Give me some self-esteem, some peace, some contentment, I enjoy conversations, deadlifting, and fucking some prime piece of ass. Yup, that came out. Am I conditioned to crave that. It's a fucking drug and I am an addict. Fuck.
I titled this blog "Fuck you fucks" because I just thought it was funny. Has anyone told you to go fuck yourself today? Oh no? Go fuck yourself. I have a buddy that that is his thing. Whatever. I am writing shit down and fuck off you fucks.
Contact Users: 3477 Active, 0 Logged in - Time: 07:54
,
,
,
,