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I never played too much live in the past, but lately I've been starting to get into it. There's always a huge waiting list during weekend nights with a ~3hr wait. I usually call in advance, but still end up waiting a long time after arriving. There are always certain regulars who manage to bypass the waiting list. Is it likely that these people are bribing the floor staff? Or is it more likely that they're just friendly with the staff? I thought of slipping the staff $20, but I wouldn't want them to expect it every time if I could get through by simply becoming a familiar face.


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I have decided that if I really want to quit I need to quit gracefully. Do it the right way. Talk to my manager and give my 2 weeks notice. Everyone says it is easier to find a job when you have a job so I need to up my job search. I have only been working 16-24 hrs. a week last 2 weeks anyways. My brother is in town this week but if it continues that seems to be the obvious play.

I was at the beach today. How I long to be a kid again. Gone are the days of losing myself in boogie boarding, digging a hole, or being given a magical blueberry muffin from the local bakery down the street but this is where I am wrong? What is stopping me from at least body surfing, digging holes, or finding local bakeries with one of a kind pastries? Fun now a days is opening the door to a cute, submissive Japanese girl on her knees in the corner with nothing on but a ball gag. That's not really my fantasy but it is a fantasy. I do like Japanese women sitting on their knees. I don't think I like the ball gag. Anyway, I was turned on living vicariously through Christian Grey. These small brunette women signing non-disclosure agreements and getting into kinky fun. I was thinking like Eva Mendez, Jessica Alba, Asia Argento, Japanese women, really whoever, have fun with it. Is that really just a small part of adult fun? I am not even saying specific BDSM situations. I would bet that most do not really explore a lot of that world. Sadomasochism maybe explored by all to some degree. Who really knows?

There was a young women who couldn't walk who was brought up to the edge of the water on a wheelchair and then she enjoyed the water and the sand. She was quite attractive. It was a joy to watch. Her legs were quite atrophied and she had difficulty moving around but it was beautiful to see. I might have enjoyed that more than living vicariously through the surfers. I don't want to live vicariously through anyone. It is like I used to be a man of action. A traveling gambler and an account man in my 20s. I made shit happen. i travelled around the world winning bets from a laptop and then I made deals in the steel mills. I just prep food now and lead a pretty miserable life. Who do I want to be? I realize I am in my 30s now. It is not the same as my 20s especially since I no longer drink or do drugs. I don't want to lie, I want to live life with integrity, I don't want to drink, I want the side effects of my bipolar mitigated, I want to have friends, I don't want to just have any old friends I want close friends, I won't even talk about the dating and the girlfriend, ... I mean all of that is great. I felt I went in depth on that a lot with Jordan Peterson's future authoring.

I watch a lot of House Hunter's International with my mom. It is fun to see what different real estate is like in Paris, Berlin, Costa Rica, New Zealand, Rome, etc. I have a range of apartments in my head I am just dying to go live in. It just comes down to money. It always comes down to money. I am talking about quitting my job I should not even be talking about apartments, dating, girlfriends, anything. That is why I post blogs and I just want to talk about film. I have to fill the time up somehow. On one hand it is my day off and on the other hand I should be applying to better jobs. I haven't figured that one out yet.

Distractions. Is film a distraction? A needed distraction? I want to figure out who I want to be just like anyone else but I also need something to escape to before I go to the next escape land full of reveries and dreams. Film. The actors, the music, the shots, the storytelling. It is all something I can get lost in. I don't care if it's escape. I don't think that is the kind of distraction we are talking about here though. Work might be a distraction. The fact that I want to make sure to quit the right way or even my back and forth struggle with quitting. I need money. Who do I want to be? Well, I would love to be a guy that makes money on my own terms again like poker. Sure, there was negative variance and then the DOJ but it was nice working on my own terms. If I want to be a workhorse maybe I make a little bit more money but it's not worth it. If I play just a little bit here and there there is just no way to get any semblance of good results. I would love to go into a job interview and say I am only going to work 30 hours a week and for them to be understanding. I want to be self-employed. Now, my whole family is back so there will be distractions out the whazoo. Time to end another blog. I really can shit these things out eh? Shit them out in hopes that I am getting somewhere or maybe it is also just a form of escape but I want to be who I want to be and I need to figure that out by trial and error, experience and reflection, contemplation. There are some things about myself that I can not see and you all can maybe see. I think I have lost that reverie. That oh so dear reverie. Oh, man, I love it like a great croissant and cafe au lait. I don't even know if that makes sense but I love the simplicity of a perfect croissant and cafe au lait or a croque monsier. They bring it out at the perfect temperature always. That is what is really on point. Everything you eat in Paris is at the perfect temperature. The waiters are there when you need them and that is it. No wasted interactions with the men and women acting at being waiters. Let me enjoy my food and conversation and oh dear this blog post is going to get me smoking again. Tobacco just goes so well with everything. Wake up? Smoke. Croissant and cafe au lait? Smoke. Need a break? Smoke. Want to write something? Smoke. Have a wank? Smoke. Have real sex? Smoke. I should not have gone there. Even given all that smoking is pretty horrendous and I am glad I am not doing it but perhaps it is difficult to talk about Paris and food without speaking of smoking. Perhaps it is difficult for me at least.

It makes it sound like my only pleasure is eating and film and by golly that may be true. I certainly don't want to be that guy. This next step from people I am in the area of sometimes to friends I do stuff with has been particularly troublesome here. I could be doing something wrong or just finding myself in the wrong circles or just destined to be some solitary cinephile, francophile weird guy that complains all the time on LP.net. That's really most of who I am these days and I don't want to be that. I need friends to have that balance of laughter and fun stuff and cool stuff and interesting stuff to sometimes I can get a little deeper and complain or worry about something and they will understand. I guess at a bare minimum I will have my therapist soon. I've got a lot of things figured out here but still not how to have a social life. It is a shame and costs me a lot of displeasure. Oh well, I haven't thought about killing myself until just now thinking about how I had not thought about killing myself. Almost a relief. "Oh yes, I can always kill myself." "Oh yes, I can always quit my job. I can even quit it ungracefully. I have only been there 3 weeks." Which goes to a "Fuck my life. I am quitting this shit show job just to have a choice in other shit shot jobs." What I have learned over the years is that it just does not seem like there is a perfect job out there for me. Just shit I have to trudge through to hopefully find something I can pay my bills and not hate. I don't want to be that guy. I think I have been that guy for 3 years now. That sucks. I am having thoughts flood in again about killing myself. Maybe I will spend some time with family and forget about that.


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I`ve finally decided to `get along` with social media and I created a funpage. I blog on various websites so even adding new post takes considerable amount of time. I am still learning how to use facebook, hopefully in the near future I will figure out how to post in 2 languages:D

https://www.facebook.com/lifeontherush/


The first week playing after getting back from the Asian trip was really hard. I couldn't pull myself together, even the easiest situations caused difficulties, and tiredness was appearing after merely two hours. The problem with taking longer breaks from poker is the fact, that after the time you're away from it, you need to learn the game pretty much from scratch. Essentially, your habits begin to rust, automatisms fade away, you start to constantly question your decisions, the 'killer's instinct' is lost. What's more, a somewhat irrational worry rears its head - that maybe you lost it permanently, maybe you'll never play at the same level as before the hiatus.


In May the things started to look brighter. I got back to my optimal form. The fact that there was little variancy that month, helped a ton. Unfortunately, June took a 180 degrees turn for worse. The games were atrocious, weak players disappeared, while the number of regulars went up, the majority of whom probably migrating from P*, due to the introduction of the gift box system. I've always had a problem with staying concentrated when there's not enough action going on. Few years ago I played over 700 deals per hour, the current average is around 300, though there are days with 100-150 max. During such sessions it's incredibly difficult to focus and make myself sit in front of the screen. Additionally, June was disastrous because of my playing results, for the first time in my career I ended up with a 5-digit losses. Although according to EV I basically broke even, it's still nothing to be happy about. On top of that, I tilted a lot, too much actually. Bad run and the poor quality of games took its toll, and around 5k$ went to shit in the total speew results. " I believe whatever doesn`t kill You, simply makes you... stranger" - as the poet used to say.

No chance for return of the southern markets to the player base is quite depressing. The information that the UK might join appeared periodically, however according to the recent news, the Brits decided against it. There's nothing else to do, but to just do your own thing, and maybe do a bit research regarding the more and more popular poker rooms from the so called emerging markets.
Nonetheless, to sum it up, the first half of the year was really successful. Although I played 440 out of 500 hours planned, still it was a satisfying result. According to EV I won almost 85k$ post rakeback and it seems that reaching 150k$ profits is completely plausible. What is more, I've spent fantastic 4 weeks in Asia. I will definitely go back to that region of the world in the future.

http://i66.tinypic.com/153lf8z.png

In the beginning of June I decided to do my first travel to Las Vegas. The plan was to play at 1k$ and 3k$ events, and if the form would be fine, I'd go for the Main Event. I also wanted to sightsee a bit, as the Grand Canyon is pretty close, and it was my childhood dream, nature-wise. I will talk about how the trip went in the next post.


Godspeed.



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I went to Smalltown, USA the other day to hang out with family and view the total eclipse. Smalltown, USA is quite a place. It almost feels like being in some other dimension. There is the Dollar General store and a small square. I went a day with out my laptop or the internet. It felt ok. I learned how to hang out on a recliner or a couch or a patio chair like a pro. Just talking the day away. I stayed at the house across the street all by myself. It was kind of weird. It was an older house but it had a bed and a bathroom. The other people that were supposed to stay there decided to stay at a hotel. It was not that bad. The shower was actually amazing.

I have always liked cookouts. Just hanging out and having some good bites. A great shower and some ok coffee on drip. Just set me up with that coffee drip into the veins and I will be ok. I ate some kind of bullshit Trader Joe's coffee dunker things that ended up working out ok then it was on to "The Price is Right." It reminded me of the time I was in Pasadena, CA with some LP'ers and we sat around gambling on the Games Network games. It wasn't too long before we had the grills ready and the hors d'oeuvres going. The beans and the bean salads though! One of the guys had baked a bunch of chocolate and pecan cookies that were pretty good too.

An eclipse is pretty difficult to explain. You kind of just have to be there. My sister-in-law had a great playlist going and we just kind of chilled looking up at the sun. It starts with a little bite of it and just increases. The weather gets a little cooler. The lighting gets weird. By the time of totality the weather is like 15 degrees cooler and it is dark but a different kind of darkness than after dusk. Everything is just real weird. It kind of reminded me of the movie "The Ring." I was in a dark well here on this earth and within the atmosphere and if I could just get to the rim and get out of the well I would not be as trapped. Really weird perspective but that is just how my life has been going.

Now, I am back to my life in Mt. Pleasant, USA and back to my old habits. Writing on LP, facebook, the internet, watching film. I haven't worked since Thursday. The thorn in my side to quit has not been there yet. I am only scheduled for 16 hours this week so I should be looking for other jobs anyways. We will see how it goes.

My brother is in town so it makes things better. My sister-in-law is cool for the most part. Their toddler is awesome. I really just give my best to those things. They are early in the game. He will most likely have a good childhood. One of those dreamlike childhoods where he is mostly smiling in pictures like it was for me. Then from there who really knows. My brother is serious about him becoming a professional hockey player. That is really kind of silly but it is not my kid. It is nice have more days off this week so I can spend time with them. Of course, it is also less time in the kitchen which is great although if things keep up like this I will be broke next month or the month after that. I don't really have anything else worth selling either. So, writing that out it becomes pretty clear I must get back on the job search or figure out Uber again.

There was another AA person there at the total eclipse party with 29 years. We were able to have some good chats. Extremely on the religious side though. The conversation turned a little sour when he started going on about how important God is.

It was a nice little trip up the road. I am happy to be home but sometimes trips make me realize there are things I need to do about home. There are the comforts that I cling to which could be a good or a bad thing but traveling I get knocked out of my habits a little bit. It is clear I have to search for other jobs and do a better job of finding friends. I could take a bit better care of myself too. Oh, this life, this existence. I really just want it to be time to listen to good music and drink energy drinks in my car on the way to work. Then just be faced with whatever I am faced with there. If I have to cut up 3 bunches of parsley that is just what I have to do. It's like I make meatballs almost every day I am there. I don't even know what I am rooting for. Cantaloupes? Grape tomatoes? Chicken? I suppose that's why they call it work. I can just look at the positive that I will have 2 full days with my brother at least. His wife is cool for the most part and their toddler is great. Sometimes I see these positives of the toddler. They are very consuming of time and energy. You don't really have any sort of "a life" with a toddler but you do have a life with a toddler. The toddler life. It still does not override the fact that it will experience much suffering that is not necessary if you just don't have the kid. Start a car collection, go traveling, there are plenty of things to do besides raise a kid. There is meaning there I suppose. Like, really what the fuck am I going to be doing at 40, 50, 60 and above that is so interesting and important. The fallacy though is that raising kids is important. Everything eventually goes extinct. These God-projects are not real. Blah blah blah.


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Anybody still playing poker in the USA, live or online? I want to play part-time for some extra income, willing to relocate if needed. Any advice?


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I am thinking about quitting my job. I think about it often especially when I am there. I think about walking out. I don't really want to screw anybody though. Sometimes I get lost in the task and forget about it and then other times it flares up. Every day I say "well, just sleep on it" and I sleep on it and I go in and I want to quit. Yesterday I said I would sleep on it and then write on it and see if that helped at all. If I quit I am back in that hopeless situation of job searching. I don't want that but I don't want this job. I am sick of making dressings, chopping all of this rosemary and thyme, cutting mozzarella, taking out all of the trash, and everything that goes with it. I have some money saved up to get me by this month. I am just not sure if the restaurant industry is for me and I am sitting here dreaming about being a chef not realizing how much work is involved. It's silly man. How the fuck would I be a chef if I do not even want to do the simplest of culinary jobs? I follow instructions and if I am unsure on something I ask the chef/kitchen manager. The problem is when the instructions want me to chop up 5 oz of thyme. That does not sound like much but pulling off each individual leaf of thyme is fucking tedious man. Cutting mozzarella for 3 fucking hours. I don't know man. How to people do these jobs? I think I need more skilled labor and socializing. Like something back in the steel industry. I long to be a professional again. The problem is I have this thing with office 9-5. Get me into steel mills. At least those processes were stimulating. That ship may have sailed. Perhaps I should teach history to youngins. Maybe I could get through to them on some important points. I am just trying to enter a state of revery and then see what happens. Of course I would love feedback but that is not necessarily what I am searching for. The thing with feedback is I can get viewpoints that are not my own. There is always a voice in the back of my brain somewhere that is telling me "Keep going with this job. It is good enough income. You are just in a phase. A state of mind. This too shall pass. Don't throw it away." Another part of me thinks I am being a coward if I do not quit. I am not completely miserable but I am close. If I don't have a job I am stuck at home all day trying to figure out free or cheap things to do. If I am at work I am cursing myself for continuing to go through with it all. It has to be no way to live a life. There has to be something out there for me. Why am I so blind? So non-ingenious? Or maybe I am just so lazy. Why do we all work 40 hours a week anyway? 8 hours a day? I want to work 30, take long lunches, leave early when I feel like it, have 3 days off in a row. What we all do to survive. Just trying to get some inkling of living. The only time I live these days is on walks at the beach, some AA meetings, and some meals. Of course there are films and novels. I have mentioned that plenty of times. I may be depressed. A therapist would help. This is the only therapy I get these days. I think I have been through this as well. Help me not kill myself LP although I am not there yet. I still have to buy that book Loco linked a while ago. I would want to make it clean and easy. My parents would likely be the ones to find me and I would not want to make it a grotesque affair. Just get me to nothingness with out any sort of pain or mess. I should have finished writing my will although that does not really matter. I wish to be cremated and flushed down the toilet or actually if I think about it donate my body to science/medical. One big block of text. Just as I can quit my job I have the freedom to quit living. That is at least reassuring. Maybe I will just go on with these outbursts of quitting in my mind on the job and just slave through this life. We are slaves to this existence. We can break free but it is somewhat scary and goes against a lot of programming. At least when the action is done there is nothing. I don't wish for nothingness quite yet. I am in some sort of a state. At least my brother is coming into town this weekend and there will be some festivities. I really like my brother and he makes me laugh. I need to do things that get me out of my head and actually living. Beyond existing, beyond suffering, the leap is not that difficult to make for me and it all starts with obsessing over a job I don't like.

I don't think I will quit today. There is always tomorrow. Although the banality of it all grows more distant as I get more comfortable in my days off...


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It's been a long, long time. I've followed this site for like, 10 years man. Damn. Once online poker became impossible for an American to play, I gave up, focused on school, graduated high school (I totally lied about my age when I was 17 to play online haha) graduated college, got an "adult" job, and now I'm married. Just need a kid in my life to basically complete everything I thought being an adult consisted of. Well, I guess I could buy a house...not sure if that counts or not in the adult category since the gal I married already bought one and I moved in with her.

Anyway... I was playing some recreational baseball when a teammate of mine told me about an underground poker game in my town. I was interested...but I had never really played 1/2 live before. I mean sure, I had gone to Vegas and got lucky, but that was more as a leisurely "I brought $300 to gamble so I'm going to sit here and play poker". I got fucking lucky that night. Looking back with what I know now...SHIT. I was a dumbass.

God I ramble. I hate writing. This is a deep look into the brain of someone with ADD.

Back to the two reasons I decided to blog tonight: Getting back into poker and Litecoin.

Poker: So, heard of a live 1/2/5 game (five to get in, which I don't understand, but whatever. It raises the size of the pots.) I was nervous at first, played very tight, but these guys are ffffffiiiiiiisssssshhhhhh along with two other types of players: those that are good and know how to play and those that know how to play, and that's really it. They don't think beyond their cards and gut feelings for the most part. This last group of folks is the same group that shows up in hoodies and sunglasses at 10 pm and play for hours on end. Kind of funny.

All that being said, I've been highly successful. The most I've lost in a session is about $400, or just over a buy-in (you can buy in from $100 to $600; I buy in at $300 which is typical for most that go there.) Three times I've walked away up over a grand profit.

But I won't lie, I have 0 bankroll management right now. Everytime I go, I know I'd be fine if I lost everything I brought with me, but up until this point, I know that in the back of my mind, I hear my life goals screaming that this probably isn't the best idea.

What typically ends up happening is I have about $500 that I don't need. I would truly be fine without it. But it'd be real nice to have. So I play poker.

Here's what I continue to turn $500 investments into: I've paid off my school loan; I paid cash for my wife's 1.54 tct (1.16 ct center stone) engagement ring; I bought a kayak; among a few other purchases...

I've been doing this for about a year now. I just kinda show up whenever I want, play for 3-6 hours, win a few pots, leave. I'm happy and content if I've broken even.

All this to say that when the wife was concerned about how to save for a bigger house, new car when that time comes, raising a child, paying for said child's vehicle and car, maintaining an aggressive weekly deposit into our savings AND not decreasing the amount we're putting into our 401(k), I asked her to let me take $3,000 out of our savings and invest it into my bankroll. Whatever I win, I put towards us one day. I told her (half jokingly, half not, and half I knew she wouldn't understand any of this and was more susceptible to agreeing) that we should aim for a yearly increase of 7%, since we've read that is the average rate invested money climbs per year. (That would mean I have one year to win like $230 haha.)

The room(s) that I've been introduced to in this area are kick ass. To the legal room, it's about 100 miles, making these illegal rooms that much more enticing. They have a waitress that serves free home-cooked meals; they have all the free alcohol you could want, and if they don't have it, they'll get it for you; they have a wide assortment of other drinks (gatorade, starbucks, water...whatever you want); there are premium sports on all of the large monitors; there's a bad beat jackpot that at one point was over 16K; they have crazy bonuses like 777 on the flop wins that table 10% of the bad beat; they offer a new player bonus...it's crazy.

More on this to come.

Litecoin: Does anyone mine Litecoin? I'm trying to get into this as a hobbyist. I just want to try and mine until I get 1 Litecoin, just to say I did it...

I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm hoping to find someone to help me. I have a NVIDIA GPU (but I think I also would like to run a CPU since I believe mine is strong enough); I downloaded a wallet; I downloaded coin miner, and I've created an acct on Criptocoin...

I don't know how to hook up my miner to Criptocoin, and I'm not sure that the miner is doing anything right now, although it's connected to "litecoinp2pool.com"...does that mean I'm mining right now? I keep seeing "Pool 0 difficulty changed to XXXX.XXXXXX" and the next line reads "Stratum from pool 0 requested work restart" which makes me think I'm not doing it right. For reference, I did this.

I hope you enjoyed my mindless ramblings. Hopefully I'll be back soon with a Litecoin and no warrants for my arrest.


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I got my first paycheck. I will have a little more breathing room with this job. Will it get me an apartment and living on my own? I am not sure. The point is I should be able to save a little bit now and build up a bit of money for a security deposit or two months rent or whatever they want. I literally cut mozzarella cheese for about 5 hours yesterday but is that really that bad? Being on this 2nd shift (3-midnight) could hold me back from moving forward. I basically just wake up and then hang out for a little while before going in, work the shift, and then come home and watch a movie and then go to sleep. I am not going to make friends doing this. I am just existing. The GM mentioned me going on day shift next week and I told him sure. It might be a stepping stone to getting some connections going in my life. Of course, waking up earlier and earlier is always a pain but I think it is something that must be done. What am I attempting to move my life forward towards? I suppose it is all the same things it has always been. My own apartment, friends, dating, a girlfriend. I can't get too caught up in it as I just don't know what the realistic timespan is. I am actually enjoying getting some experience in prepping food and thoughts of being a chef dazzle at times. That has to be a really difficult vocation. It is one thing to be Anthony Bourdain, it is another to be working 14 hour days in a struggling kitchen. One of the things about my job which is kind of unnerving is I never know what I am going to get. I am not that comfortable in the recipes yet and sometimes the demands are just flying around. I can be in the middle of making meatballs which is a pretty time consuming and space consuming endeavor and then all of a sudden out front can come back asking for cucumber, romaine, and grape tomatoes. What can be said? It is part of the job.

One of the first things I think about with extra cash is tattoos. I have been wanting another one for a while. I will just have to find the right person for what I want. I miss not having a tattoo guy in the area.

Perhaps I just have to keep doing what I am doing. At night maybe it is better to read something than to watch a film. I don't always feeling like reading though. Dense philosophy at night after a day of work just sounds undesirable. If the works are too stimulating I just want to stay up all night. I am not always in the mood for a novel but a film just seems to fit the situation right. I do really believe that we can be much better people with some work and some good choices involved. The question is for what? Well, I mean, there is hedonistic pleasure involved and desire fulfillment. The more pleasure I can attain and desires I can fulfill the better this existence will be. There is probably a trap in there somewhere but maybe I will go into a mozzarella cutting reverie and think about that today. Au revoir.


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The beat goes on... The beat goes on. I do not have any real urge to "carry out" suicide at the moment. I write "carry out" as it is more neutral than the negative "commit." "Achieve" would be too positive as Benatar writes. Suicide can be a solution to this existence but I agree that there should be no negative or positive connotation associated with it. I am possibly mostly writing this blog as I just feel it is the natural progression. I have a lot of time before I go into work and the novel I am currently reading has been a bit drab although it surely has its moments. I am dreaming about something that will fulfill my wish for a continuation of the Nietzsche, "Denial of Death," and "The Human Predicament" I have been reading. Philosophy just seems to excite me more.

Right now I am probably slightly more pleased than not. I had a great night of sleep, I enjoyed a bagel with vegan cream cheese and a coffee, I had an energy drink which the caffeine is still coursing through my veins and making me feel good. Last night was the grand opening of the Italian place that employs me. I messed up my very first official dish. I added 2 cups of olive oil instead of 1/2 cup to 5 lbs. of onions. I did my best to drain some of it before putting it on the stove but there was way too much and it did not cook properly. I made it work and then strained the rest of the olive oil after it was cooked. The rest of the night went mostly smoothly although I was called over to help ball dough which I do quite poorly. I was taught about 4 different ways and did 0 of them well. Why does everyone teach me at their advanced speed? I am a noob and quite possibly just not very good. I don't know if I am very gifted at the fine motor skills. I can chop vegetables pretty good but balling dough is just not in my skill set at the moment.

If I were a millionaire I would be better at fulfilling my desires? I can not change my desires. They come uncontrollably. Now, I think some semblance of psychic change is possible. I don't desire alcohol but I do desire to drink alcohol with out problems. I want to fuck Rihanna but I don't think this fact has much an effect on my quality of life. The desire for just general sexual relief may throb and pang a bit more heavily. Sometimes what I want is at least reasonable sex with a reasonably attractive woman. Not having these minimal desires satisfied surely has an impact on quality of life. I desire hanging out with friends is another one. I can't just go down to the bar so it is a little bit trickier for me. If I don't particularly want to hang out with the AA crowd I may get into a bit of a pickle. A pickle that I currently find myself in. I keep saying this but there have got to be ways. There is more I want to do with my life than just internetz, reading, movies before and after work. That is probably the big 3 in my life where I am lacking. I have desires regarding friends, dating, sex that are not being fulfilled and it has a major impact on my quality of life. Another one would be having my own place which leads to the desire of having a better job and all of that helps with friends, dating, and sex. It is all the same things for me. It has been since I can remember.

I am not suicidal though. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts at times. I don't really experience much physical pain besides when I have been on my feet for 6+ hours. The pain is not that bad. Sometimes I get hungry and sometimes I get thirsty. My quality of life is rather bad but not that bad. How much better would it really be if I had my own place and a host of friends and a rich dating life including the sex that I desire? Who knows? It is interesting to me how I would judge it. I would grow new desires. I have become quite detached from pop culture and advertising. Would I find myself attached once again? Getting out into the world would I feel that pull to be "cool" and "hip"? Would I desire the latest fashions? I really just want to be me and where the same t-shirts and jeans everyday. A simple, comfortable pair of shoes. It gets complicated in between that and suit and tie. I have 2 dress shirt and do not like wearing khakis. I despise the uniform of the herd. So I avoid areas with that dress code at almost all costs.

My heart still beats. I can still read the letters on this screen. The sun shines through the window. So, I go on. I go on 'til the bitter end. Whether by my own hand or nature. The universe does not care. I must find solace in these earthly things.


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I don't really have much going on right now and figured I would reflect a bit. What comes to mind is I want to talk about quality of life, suicide, death, optimism delusion, pessimism. A lot of it will likely be rehashed ideas of David Benatar. He recently came out with a book "The Human Predicament." I started working and have been on short sleep and forgot what that was like but I really enjoyed the book and want to get some of these ideas and discussion out in the open.

I want to bring up pessimism first. I was having a chat with the corporate trainer today and for whatever reason he decided it was time to give my performance a review. One of the things he said was that I was "enthusiastic" and the first thing that came to my mind which I told him was "well, that is good I suppose. I can be quite pessimistic at times..." and he interrupted me and was like "Oh no no" as if pessimistic was some banned word. With some of these corporate guys you just mention the word pessimism and they get all uncomfortable. Everything is about passion and smiles (and improving the share price). I think a lot of these people's heads would explode if I explained that life was bad and extinction was the desirable option. Which given that viewpoint I was still enthusiastic about creating food over the last week so his review is not inaccurate. Maybe that is strange to some but I do have an attitude that my parents fucked up having me but fuck, man, I am here so we might as well make the best of it. That could be pragmatic optimism in the face of pragmatic pessimism. My life is not that bad that suicide makes sense. There was a point in time today that my back hurt, I was hungry, and I was thirsty. I wake up early and I am tired. I am in traffic and I have to run errands. This is every day type of stuff. Life is mostly striving. We are striving for pleasure, avoiding pain, and fulfilling desires. Most of our desires don't get fulfilled and much pain is worse than any fleeting pleasure. The optimism delusion is to look at all of this and I mean this is all pretty tame stuff. I am not even talking about cancer, paralysis, old age, dying and death. Life is tough and it is tragic.

Suicide is deprivation of future experience and annihilation of the body. I think at 33 my life has to be pretty bad with no hope for improvement. My life is pretty bad but it is not bad enough. I am glad that I did not actually kill myself on more than a handful amount of times that I was pretty close in the past. I don't know how long I can go with out friends down here. There is social exposure at work which is a plus. I will probably be fine getting home late dicking around on the internet or reading a book or watching a movie. We will see. I was actually fantasizing today that if the job is not going well and life continues to suck I can steal one of the chef's knives and slit my wrists in a solitary place. Then I thought of making a bath and locking the door so I bleed out quicker and then I would be found in a bathtub of blood. Wow, that is pretty dark writing it out. If things get too bad it is always an option! After enjoying plentiful mussels in a red curry sauce with family that is not the way to do it. I obviously would not want my parents to find me dead in a bathtub full of blood. I don't really want to hang myself with a belt or go the gun route. I don't even think I can go the gun route as I am not sure if I was 302'd in either of my trips to the psych ward. Oh well, it is just nice to know that it is possible to kill myself if things get bad enough.

Maybe I will touch on quality of life at a later time.


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I have 550,000 starscoins and I forgot to cash them in before the recent update. Fuck. What could I do with them now? Is there no way to instantly turn it to cash? I don't play anymore. I already lost a few thousand by not converting them before starscoins were first introduced.


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I am back on a Radiohead tangent. I was completely transcended by "Hail to the Thief" today. I was in the perfect mood for it plus I have not listened to it in a while. I was reliving my first listen, my first loves, while finding a new experience of joy, reverie, and liberation. By the time I got to Myxomatosis I might as well have been on another planet. They seduced me. I was the cobra in the basket. Sometimes it feels good to be a slave. A slave to exquisite seduction. The unblinking eye. I wish to not be in the bondage of self. Take me away. Take me away.

I am not sure if it is obvious but I am fixated with France, French culture, French language, French cuisine, French women. I am unsure if the last sentence will be related to anything I just wanted to make that confession.

I may come back to that but something else that I have been thinking about lately is cars. It relates to a video I was watching on the difference between France and America. The observation was that France was full of the same car usually a Peugot. The streets are lined with these small, reasonable cars. That was also something I noticed when I was there. I think most Americans would be appalled by the idea that everyone drives the same car. I am appalled by large SUVs and trucks. Just in the sense of a certain gaudiness to it. Here in America we celebrate our freedom with automobile grandeur. I guess it is also a celebration of capitalism, the steel industry, advertising, and herd culture. I have had 3 cars in my life: A used Hyundai Elantra, a Chevy Equinox that was a company car, and now a used Subaru Forester that was given to me. All pretty reasonable cars. I could understand a soccer mom wanting the Chevy Equinox over the Renault Clio IV. One thing I do not really get though is that from my experience there just is not that much difference between better than a junk car and below say a nice Porsche or other unique sports car. If we are going for status with maybe also fun to drive I do see the value in some of these cars. Even when I was younger my friend had a BMW M3 Sport and certainly in Wisconsin there was value to perceived status. That is kind of getting into the whole social hierarchy games. I think it is possible to choose who we play games with or to outright reject it but social hierarchies do exist. What I am saying is there were popular social spheres in Wisconsin where having a BMW M3 Sport was a good play. I got to drive it a fair amount as well and it was exceedingly fun to drive compared to my parents minivan growing up. My neighbor has a beautiful Porsche and I envy him in that regard to a degree. I don't really play in that social sphere anymore but there is a part of me that longs for owning a unique and exceptional sports car. With the BIG automobiles I think it is a matter of there being a certain audacity to it. An audacity inline with much of AMERICAN nationalism. Many of the license plates here have a big "IN GOD WE TRUST" centered with a large AMERICAN flag to the left. It's like where am I living? What am I doing?

I think where the fixation in France comes in is I wish to live there. I wish to read Flaubert and Cioran in French. That is an occupation that strikes me whenever any related topics come up. I will seriously look into learning French as I see that as how I would like to be spending some of my time.


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I have been drawn to stories recently. My kindle is almost out of batteries so figured I would write a blog and then walk the dog. I start my new job on Monday. I am actually a bit nervous about it. I know it is not the most prestigious job or anything like that but there are some nerves. It will be occupying 40 hours of my week. That is a lot of time. It will likely cover my current expenses. That seems to me to hit the basics of what people are looking for in jobs. I worry I will not like it. That I will be trapped there for 40 hours just to make ends meet. Welcome to the real world? I don't know. On the bright side I will be on my feet creating food. Perhaps I will meet some cool people. I guess I really don't have any expectations nor do I really want to put any expectations on the experience.

How do I spend my days now? I go on tangents. There is the Nietzsche tangent, the Hitchens tangent. I finished "Beyond Good and Evil" a few days a go and just don't really have the craving to continue to "The Genealogy of Morals." It was a fun trip to finally finish "Thus Spake Zarathustra" and "Beyond Good and Evil" but I have had my fill for now of Nietzsche. "Beyond Good and Evil" would have been a really good book to cover in some discussion class. I read it and was like ok this is pretty cool but I am sure I was missing some details or some cool insights. It can be quite the dense book at times where almost every sentence has layers to it. Oh well.

Recently I found myself on a Marion Cotillard tangent. I love her. I am watching all of her movies and then I watch interviews before or after. This brought me to an Audrey Tatoe interview which brought me to a random video and then I got hooked on this blue haired girl from France named Antastesia. I liked her videos on veganism and literature and then she comes out as an asexual. I found it all fascinating and it took up a lot of the day yesterday.

In this sense I am sure it will be healthy to get into the pizza shop and be helpful. I am kind of loving this rekindled passion for film and literature though. It started with reading Nabokov's review of "Demons" and Dostoevsky in general. Nabokov said he was a playwright whose plays are too long lol. I won't go on about that but I think the novel is one of the finest art forms. It can be so rich and so enchanting and is not confined to 2 hours. The imagination must be used. Film can be quite enchanting as well. It is all about the stories. I am a story addict.

I think it's time to take the dog for a walk. Au revoir.


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I just remembered it was July 4. Independence Day for the U.S.A. Is it bad that nationalism can have the effect of sickening me? The U.S. is not a bad place to be all things considered but I have a hard time believing it is the greatest nation in the world. Especially when many proclaiming this have not been to anywhere else in the world. "But why should I?" they exclaim "The U.S. is the greatest nation in the world!" I'm listening to Bach to drown out my dad watching Trump downstairs. I usually only like writing when I am alone in silence but this will do. I can not escape the absurdity of the U.S.A. on a day like today. No, partying for me today. I am watching my little somewhat crazed nephew of one and a half years old. He cracks me up but he is also a terror of endless energy and audacity. It is for the better that we all stay in nothingness than to be brought into being with out any consultation but once they get here let us make the best of it! I am rooting for his mother to put him to bed early and that I don't hear a peep coming out of his room.

I wish to be stateless but if I could live anywhere it would have to be Paris, France. Maybe Denmark, or Sweden, or Berlin, Germany. It is really hard to tell what the "greatest" country would be. It all depends on the individual as well. One suited for Paris, Texas may not be suited for Paris, France.

I got a job. I will be working at a pizza shop. The wage will be keeping me at peasant status. I came across this quote the other day by Nietzsche:

"The best and dearest to me at present is still a sound peasant, course, artful, obstinate and enduring: That is at the present the noblest type."

So, I will continue to live as a sound peasant.

Except when I am golfing with my father. I found myself on the 6th or the 7th hole of this one particular course and I found myself lost in paradise. It was as if it was a mirage. I don't really have any business being on nice country clubs anymore but I did not play particularly well but felt transcended anyways. The sweet spot is bliss. I am liberated by a good shot. Sweet spots and scenery make for a great way to pass the time. If only I were not a peasant and could take this game more seriously.

I am sure I will be back on here in 3 months complaining about my new job and the peasant life. What can I do next is already a consideration. Sometimes I wish I was back as a student or a free wheeling, free spirited poker player. Those were the days and they may not ever get better. I only decay more as time goes by. Actually, the only time I really regret was my tour of duty as a multinational corporation sales rep turned alcoholic. Those were dark days. There were still some bright spots but multinational corporations are places where people like me go to die.

So, I must continue living as a sound peasant. I consulted Cioran on what one must do. Bach and Dostoevsky was the solution and of course writing.

"Our works, whatever they may be, derive from our incapacity to kill or to kill ourselves."

I like what he has to say on suicide too. It is so true that I love having the option to drink, to shoot heroin, to kill myself. Maybe I don't indulge. Maybe I indulge in all 3. For the time being I have found other things to do. I can not or will not kill myself at the moment so I better find some other things to do to deal with that. I will find other things to do. My mind does not like the thought of death and decay so will snap into some illusion or delusion. Life goes on. Existence in the absurd continues.

Does power make life better?

We are all going to decay and die but does power make that existence smoother?

The beautiful struggle some call it. The buddhists would say we must detach. We must not struggle. It is all striving for what? It is all illusion.

My nephew has a backside full of poop. I will likely die before him but no one knows. The fragility of life can strike at any moment. It makes me want to race fast cars and travel the world. Live dangerously and climb mountains as Nietzsche would say. One of my favorite days on this planet was watching the sunrise and climbing a mountain. Today, I have pastry and french roast coffee and Bach and writing on liquidpoker with my nephew flying around like a gnat. I love this gnat but he is a gnat regardless. I have many days that I have enjoyed on this earth. Many days that I have not enjoyed. There was the day I won $20,000 in Rosario, Argentina and got scalped 5th row center line for Argentina v Brazil. That whole trip was a dream. I love Argentina. If only my Spanish were not better. If only, if only, if only. So many "if only."

I am the sound peasant living my life. Suicide is great to keep in the back pocket or maybe somewhat hidden in a filing cabinet somewhere. I am the sound peasant that wants more. I wish to go to beaches and get a better 3 wood. I wish to meet today's LP. I wish to reunite with yesteryear's LP. In all honesty, I need some friends. Phone calls do not amount to much. Nothing like sitting outside at a cafe in a cool early autumn day. Taking a walk through the city. Having a seat at a welcoming patio. Coffee and cigarettes. What an amazing combination. I no longer smoke. I no longer wish to smoke. I am only a slave to psych meds today but obviously I still think about smoking cigarettes, I still think about marijuana, red wine, champagne, mdma, cocaine, mushrooms, heroin. I don't need comfort in the form of a substance today. Bring me reality. Illusion is unavoidable but bring me reality. I don't want to die. What can make me immortal even if it is not real? I want the the blue pill, please give me the blue pill. I want the blue pill, please give me the blue pill! Just a moment before I wanted the red pill but it is too much. I am weak. Ok, ok. Now, I would like the red pill. I am ready.....................


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Walked in the door after 13 hours covering the general medical wards and say hi to my gf Sonya.

Sonya: "How was cover?"
Me: "Quiet, I only saw 1 patient in 13 hours and they died"

Sonya: "Fuck"

Me: "Yeah, they have end-stage interstitial pulmonary fibrosis. I got called to set up the clonazepam infusion because he was end-of-life care and he was pretty agitated. Spent 40 minutes on the phone to palliative setting up the pump. Last 30 seconds of the phone call and the nurse tapped my shoulder to tell me not to worry, he'd stop breathing".

Sonya: "Whoah, fuck"

Me: "Yeah it was pretty full on"

Sonya: "Do you know what this means?"

Me: "? what"

Sonya: "PERFECT K/D ratio!"

Sometimes terrible humor is the only thing that can cheer you up after an awful on-call. Thankfully she's the master of dark humor.




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I don't speak falsehoods, I am sober, I am mentally healthy, and I am physically healthy. I live on about $1,000/month. Sometimes a bit less and sometimes a bit more. My parents are covering that for the time being. What am I lacking? Income, friends, and creative works of art. We have been over the income. I could be doing a better job at searching for one. I feel guilty that I am taking advantage of my parents. Friends can be a tough one. I have a ton of great friends in Pittsburgh, PA. If you have been following along I don't live there anymore. It has been tough making friends here. I haven't really been up for any meetup.com stuff. I have only sporadically been going to AA meetings. It seems a lot tougher this time around. When I got clean and sober in Pittsburgh over 3 years ago I knew no one in that city and seemed to get together some friends pretty quickly but I don't think that is entirely true. I am mostly happy just hanging out with the pets and watching tons of Netflix. Netflix and YouTube videos. I would like to discuss some of the stuff I am watching. I am also reading a fair amount. I liked when Loco suggested I read "Denial of Death" to "overcome my roadblocks." That was a fun project. I feel like there is still a lot I would like to discuss about that and on how to live life. I got back into some Sartre the other day too. The sum of my actions is a guy that lives in his parent's spare bedroom watching Netflix and YouTube videos hoping something stimulating will pop up on Liquidpoker.net. I don't think we have full freedom in choosing what we do with our lives. Our essence is not completely malleable. However, we are defined by what we do. I am a jobless bum that spends too much time on the internet. It is like I am not really an adult. One thing that I know is that I am not miserable. So, in many ways I am choosing this life because I know I am not miserable. I watched "Blue is the Warmest Color" last night and thought it was an excellent film. I crave a relationship like that. I crave my own version of Emma. Sometimes these things seem so far away. Another thing is the creative works of art. I always feel at my best when I am creating in someway. My friend was teaching me how to paint in Pittsburgh and there is really nothing here so far. I may look back into doing Improv or getting a legit stand up set together or trying to be a bit more inventive and get a short story in the works. Just something to get those creative juices going. I realize this has all been one big block of text. Oh well.


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UPDATE:
need 530, offering 605$

Hey,

need to trade Ipoker cash (winner poker), since I cant cashout (Poland is blocked) for cash at Skrill/PartyPoker.

Got 605$ exactly, will trade for 560$ to Skrill/PartyPoker. Would prefer to receive the transfer first (obviously), back transfer might take a day or two since I have to make an affiliate payemnt request.
Thanks.


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So it looks like you can get a pretty good supply of Jurema and Mimosa Hostilis online. A skilled chemist, or someone who was patient and had a steady hand would easily be able to distill pure DMT. The conventional solution is to use lye (of Fight Club acclaim) and Naptha (which is a soap).

Using just these two chemical ingredients it seems you can extract pure smoke-able DMT.

Personally as someone with a scientific mindset it seems like this might be a good idea...

On the other hand, this approach doesn't agree with me. Using just vitamin C pills and lemon juice (which are safe) you can extract a lot of DMT and create an extremely potent ayahuasca brew.

This preparation is actually as simple as treating water with crushed up vitamin C and lemon juice. Then you boil the ingredients 3 times (for saturation reasons) in the prepared water. This yields a very potent ayahuasca.

Roughly $10 of ayahuasca prepared this way lasts a long time. Since the ingredients are legal and can be purchased online, the accessibility is very convenient. I am committed to using them for physical training. So far I am quite happy with the ayahuasca solution against the DMT-only solution.

DMT seems to be very powerful. I have so far gotten much better experiences with the ayahuasca method than DMT-only. It may be better to care for your body.

I do not recommend mixing ayahuasca and mescaline, although the Peruvian torch is legal and is indigenous to same the geography.

I think the ayahuasca-diet is better than DMT-only and I am getting some good results this way. DMT seems to be a very powerful substance to be respected. I recommend the ayahuasca diet over DMT-only and not specifically for safety reasons.

I am actually surprised to be recommending this because I would suggest using Peruvian torch over San Pedro cactus. This seems to be a contradiction. The Peruvian torch is smoother and more drinkable with a more pleasant high.

Ayahuasca can be a bit unpleasant but I think this is good for the user. There seem to be more questions of moral irresponsibility regarding DMT than mescaline. Ayahuasca seems to be the recommended solution from mother nature, therefore if we are in doubt this is the best avenue.

I thought I would not say something like this, but I cannot see any reason to get "higher" than ayahuasca.


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