lol bigred, im a huge softy irl, not gangsta like that, just too much partying, girls etc. i cant even pick up a gun, in a gory movie i cover my face w my leg or arm or blanket or whatever.
just meant, was out of control, livin ghetto life, blazin 24/7, doin other drugs i never should have touched etc. it all caught up to me, def not posting ne thing other than blazing on the net, but ya, i was getting really really out of control for a lot of years there. Had a couple years where I was good etc, but yeah, not living up to 20% of your potential because your always fucked up or always have other plans is very hindering.
my conscious is really really loud and really really annoying when I mess up anything in life or poker, I am defininately my own worst critic, beat myself up sooooo bad when I do anything wrong. I have a really hard time forgiving myself for letting the dishes slide, let alone anything else.
Which is why I've been working @ 50% for what feels like forever, yet I've just not been in a stable enough environment to just grind and do things right. I can NOT let my mistakes from 2009-2010 go until they are fixed. _Bottom Line_
not anything anyone in this world that I meet can ever change that. Maybe the hottest girl under the sun can distract it, but I do what needs to be done, and literally put myself through torture to make sure it gets done. idk what % i've paid since I've only grind 5 months in the last year, and before that I was being really ignorant with money when I had debts that needed paid first
(i was never thinking, and i really get annoyed when people use the word ignorant incorrectly)
was a pretty fucking crazy motherfucker for a lot of years, took a long ass time to start to even SEE out of the darkness, let alone dare to start living out of it. Its an expedited work in progress. |
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