MARSHALL28 United States. Aug 26 2012 11:05. Posts 1897
So I guess I'm keeping a blog both here and on cardrunners now. Some things I post here that I don't post there and vice versa, some things I post in both, I felt this one would be okay for both. You guys always respond with a lot more brutal honesty which I like and this is one of my more personal posts.
So a few nights ago I went out with a couple of friends for one of their birthday's to a bar a few miles down the road. We were drinking and just hanging out for a while until one of their other friends showed up. I had met this dude one time before and he acted pretty much like dick to me, but I'm the type of person to just let things slide and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, probably they were having a bad day, or maybe they misinterpreted something I did or said. It's not like I have a lot of stress in my life, but I know a lot of other people do, so I just try to let it slide.
One thing about me though and I've always said this/felt like this. It's not any of my business whether or not people like me, but it is my business if they disrespect me. So I ignored the comment from him the previous night, but this time I meet him, he sits across from me at the table and he doesn't say anything specific to me, but his mannerisms and body language all point towards being disrespectful to me. Not only that, but he starts trying to like test me, by trying to shake my hand multiple times, then holding on to it longer and stronger to see if I'm going to let him control me or whatever. It was my good friend's birthday so I definitely was trying to do everything I could to not make a scene and to avoid getting into it with this guy.
He gets closer, and starts talking right into my ear, he starts getting louder. What is he talking about? I really wasn't even listening, but it had something to do with the fact that I had just moved into the apartment he had wanted and that he was pissed at me because I had it and he didn't. Clearly this dude is about as petty as it gets. I walk away, I go to the bathroom, I walk around expecting the guy to leave, he doesn't and maybe 15 minutes go by, I hope things have calmed down by now so I go and sit at the table again. He's changed seats and is next to my buddy and the seat next to his girl is open so I take that one.
Immediately he gets out of his chair and starts putting his hands on me being real loud about how that seat is taken. I make a very clear gesture with my head turning to look where he's putting his hands making sure he realizes I know what's going on, I then look him directly in the eye, "Listen very carefully," I exhale, "You don't know me. If you did, I guarantee you wouldn't be talking to me like this." All of a sudden he backs away and begins apologizing multiple times. No longer will he make eye contact and starts talking about how he didn't mean what he was saying and that he was just jealous.
I am kinda surprised how many people allow jealousy to control them and drive them to act in certain ways. Personally, I can't even remember ever feeling jealous of anyone about anything for any reason. It feels to me more like a deficiency in a character trait. Like what does it really mean to be jealous? Basically, I assume, it's a feeling you get when there's something you want that someone else has. Upon deeper examination, the next question you should ask yourself is, why aren't you able to obtain that thing? And if the answer is anything other than 'it's not what I REALLY wanted' I guess that's what triggers these feelings in people.
This is a limitation of the mind though, like, what makes me able to obtain things that other people want? I believe I am worthy of them, I think outside the box about how to get it, I control my emotions and don't let them get in the way of obtaining it. From when I was very young my Mom always taught me "never let them see you sweat". I guess it's a lesson I took very strongly to heart because I mask my emotions extremely well--I know I've had some outbursts in online forums due to a bad mental response to certain drugs, but if you know me IRL it's very hard to get any kind of read on me or to ever know when I'm being serious or joking.
Are there things that I would like to have that I see other people have? Absolutely. Maybe this is just the way I experience jealousy and it's different for me than most people, but for me it's like, I ask myself the question, why don't I have that thing? Then I figure out what is it that's allowed that person to achieve that success, and if I feel like I want it, I set out to do whatever it is that other person does. If the things he had to do to attain that goal are outside of all the steps I feel I'd want to bother to take, then I just let it go and realize--it's not worth the trouble, and things are good enough for me that I don't really need to go through all that, and after coming to that conclusion, it just doesn't affect me. I notice even people who have it so much better than me often are jealous of me. It's kinda strange.
It's so hard for me to relate to people like that. Personally, I'm extremely introspective and contemplative of the world around me. If that's combined with a fairly insightful brain, I feel like almost always you are going to come across a person who has quite a depressive nature. I find all the time people I come across feel jealous of me, the thing is though ... I'm probably one of the more miserable people I know.
Personally, if I had to feel jealous of all the people around me who had a bigger place, a nicer car, a bigger bank account, a better looking girlfriend; I'd go insane and be frustrated all day long. It just makes me wonder, if I feel so miserable, how bad must some of these other people have it? Whenever I think about this stuff, it makes me think about celebrities. I feel like celebrities must have it really rough. Enough money to buy anything they want, idolized by many generally for no good particular reason, recognized everywhere they go. On the surface it seems like it would be awesome, but really, I think they are likely to be even more miserable than most of us 'normal' people. Why else do so many of them turn to drugs? I guess those are the types of people I feel I can relate to the most, celebrities.
Maybe that's part of why I am the way I am, because really, it's not like I don't know that there are things I do that incite these feelings of jealousy in the people around me. A lot of it is on purpose. Maybe I do it because I have deeper issues and in order to satisfy those needs I manipulate others to feel that way about me so that I can feel better about myself. I don't know, I'm just sort of thinking out loud as I type now, I guess you are getting a little peak into my mind and the way it works. Even if what I just said is true (which I have no idea if it is or if it isn't), I feel that anyone who would allow me to manipulate them like that is obviously a much weaker person by nature. The more weak minded a person is, the worse off they must be in life. Constantly controlled by the will of others, unable to let themselves be heard. Forced to be the way their "friends" or society tells them to. I can't imagine anything worse than that--there are some things I can understand why people would want to be that way, but this is not one of them; I don't think anyone who is like that is happy. It's weird I guess because in general I'm very introverted and keep to myself a lot, but at the same time, I have a lot of alpha/dominant traits. I'm definitely very glad for these things because even though they clearly are the cause of a lot of my internal struggles, without that ability to lead I'd feel completely lost. I guess this means that the more control I'm able to exert over my surroundings the more respect I receive from others, and the better I generally feel. This is something I must keep reminding myself.
I guess one of the lessons I should try to be taking from this is that achieving "things" is less about actually obtaining the success and more about the journey you take to get there and what type of person you become over the course of those journeys. Character isn't really built from succeeding, it's built from failing--this is definitely one of the reasons you see so many "hot shot" young poker players--and also why you see a lot of these known HS pros turn to cheating. They think they are "better" than everybody else, they think they are above common rules of society, just because they are good at some game that involves money. I was guilty of feeling like that maybe 3-4 years ago. I mean, I never turned to the point of cheating. When I struggled, I got help from a few friends, people who I will always remain loyal to and will pay back 10x over if I can. There aren't too many people in the world who are just genuine about helping another when in a bind, so I always remember those who have helped me and they are the types of friends I want to keep for life. I'm having a lot more success now, so in retrospect I'd say that was a good thing that I did have to do quite a bit of struggling before reaching the point I'm at. It's definitely made me a better person. Hasn't done anything really to make me a happy one though.
"When we die the money we can't keep/
But we probably spend it all because the pain ain't cheap"
--Kanye west
0 votes
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morph1 Sierra Leone. Aug 26 2012 11:36. Posts 2352
well played
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
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sniderstyle United States. Aug 26 2012 11:43. Posts 2046
I didn't read it all but you put way too much thought in energy in this dude
if a guy is a prick dismiss him, ignore him, and don't ever talk to him again - easy game
that way you only surround yourselves with worthwhile people.
don't suffer fools
Genginho: lose today 100 dollar only because of fishs they called and had luck on river
Last edit: 26/08/2012 11:43
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sniderstyle United States. Aug 26 2012 11:44. Posts 2046
also im not freud but the way you think people are jealous of you alll the time makes you seem a little insecure
Genginho: lose today 100 dollar only because of fishs they called and had luck on river
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MARSHALL28 United States. Aug 26 2012 12:03. Posts 1897
Last edit: 26/08/2012 12:04
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morph1 Sierra Leone. Aug 26 2012 12:41. Posts 2352
dude is a dbag pussy acting tough
when he starts apologizing you should go crazy and start fucking around with him in Mike Tyson way
it would be funny to see his face after you pull this one
This is a limitation of the mind though, like, what makes me able to obtain things that other people want? I believe I am worthy of them, I think outside the box about how to get it, I control my emotions and don't let them get in the way of obtaining it. From when I was very young my Mom always taught me "never let them see you sweat". I guess it's a lesson I took very strongly to heart because I mask my emotions extremely well--I know I've had some outbursts in online forums due to a bad mental response to certain drugs, but if you know me IRL it's very hard to get any kind of read on me or to ever know when I'm being serious or joking.
Are there things that I would like to have that I see other people have? Absolutely. Maybe this is just the way I experience jealousy and it's different for me than most people, but for me it's like, I ask myself the question, why don't I have that thing? Then I figure out what is it that's allowed that person to achieve that success, and if I feel like I want it, I set out to do whatever it is that other person does. If the things he had to do to attain that goal are outside of all the steps I feel I'd want to bother to take, then I just let it go and realize--it's not worth the trouble, and things are good enough for me that I don't really need to go through all that, and after coming to that conclusion, it just doesn't affect me. I notice even people who have it so much better than me often are jealous of me. It's kinda strange.
Last edit: 26/08/2012 13:08
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casinocasino Canada. Aug 26 2012 15:43. Posts 3343
no wonder you relate to celebrities, most of them are narcissistic
liking your blog tho - very honest
I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -Oly
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TheTrees United States. Aug 26 2012 18:25. Posts 1592
On August 26 2012 16:21 k4ir0s wrote:
blaming negativity towards you as a sign of jealousy makes you seem narcissistic
couldn't have said it better myself. No offense to Marshall, but maybe your personal limitation of the mind is not being fully introspective with yourself when it comes to people not liking you (whether it be online or IRL). I'm guilty of this too so I'm not throwing stones
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MARSHALL28 United States. Aug 26 2012 18:54. Posts 1897
Last edit: 26/08/2012 18:55
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MARSHALL28 United States. Aug 26 2012 18:55. Posts 1897
i definitely have a little bit of narcissist in me. without question i am flawed, but im definitely not imagining things if thats what youre suggesting.
On August 26 2012 10:05 MARSHALL28 wrote:
Hasn't done anything really to make me a happy.
Happiness its only a state of transition. Its a reward from our brain when we add something in our lives.
We cant truly be happy all the time and the very same thing that make us happy might as well make us sad when in the wrong order.
I bet you feel miserable because you stagnate in some point of your life that you feel somehow a need to add something into it.
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United States. Aug 26 2012 12:58. Posts 8896
