LemOn[5thF] Czech Republic. Jan 08 2015 06:25. Posts 15163
Ok guys. I believe this is it. The golden pill. The Nirvana. The one breakthrough I needed to finally crack all of this and fly to the stars.
And the realization is that there is not golden pill, no nirvana, no one breakthrough to finally do anything.
The events of last few months - the challenge where I pushed myself, gym, personal life events, Drone's post made me realize a very recurring pattern throughout my life.
And that pattern is - no fucking surprise to any of you: I way over complicate and over think things and put pressure on myself. In all aspects of my life.
When I look back at my life, this pattern is so overwhelming and lead to huge pressure on myself but ultimate stagnation in things that were important to me
1) floorball
I was not talented, yet I made it to the Highest Czech division and national junior team at age 16. I was working harder than anyone else, thinking harder than anyone else, always re-inventing my style, looking to improve and change it, even when really small setbacks occurred.
Then the very same thing that got me to the top lead to my ultimate downfall (along with injuries) - I never had MY style. Even at the top when I was fucking awesome, I would continue to change my game, and so was very inconsistent, and the sport was immense pressure for me that I couldn't sustain. So when coach unjustly dropped me for 4 games (no big deal at all in sport rly) and instead of week long school trip I decided to be the only person in class to stay back to train my gear got stolen, I lost my confidence.
And I had no style to fall back on, that'd keep my confidence up and that I could fall back on. Sure, there was no goalie coaching, no mentoring, but my personality trait was a big reason for my downfall - the need to always put pressure on myself, and to always change everything and look for different ways to do things, even when the way I do things now is very very good as it was in my floorball career.
2) University and college
At university, this was a blessing and a curse. Course work was easy for me. I am a very smart guy, not gonna lie, I see patterns very fast and have strong imagination. Case studies, reading tens of sources and then connecting all the bits in them in one quick paper vomit that makes sense of them all - I had all that. I passed classed without studying, just reading around casually. I have written Masters essays in subjects I never studied for money for rich Chinese students, even wrote pretty much the whole postgraduate thesis for my ex-girlfriend.
When I'm so good at it, It all should have been so easy, stress free right? Wrong. At college in Scotland, in a class with divorced mums going back to re-educate themselves, and really cool but not so smart 17y olds I didn't even have to study and I'd pass everything. Yet I was super stressed out, put pressure on myself, and even cheated in a piss easy exam that I had to resit and got 90% with very little study. Same at University - I was good at it, yet I was always super stressed, was late to start exams and was always looking for that extra resource that'd put me above the pack, that extra thing I could learn even when I could simply learn what was in the lectures and get the same grade.
In academia, it lead to me "beating" it and I have no doubt I could study anything successfully, but at the cost of totally unnecessary stress and pressure.
3)Starcraft
I was a decent player, put in a lot of hours, C level PGT. I quickly at start learned the game I read all the guides out there (hello BigBalls :D) and was thinking about the game like many did - theory crafting, always trying to find the strat that makes me unstoppable, always trying gay stuff, and most of all, artificially increasing my apm for the hell of it, again so I can put pressure on myself. 300 APM toss. With 120EAPM wtf :D
Starcraft was very stressful, and yet I put in little hours actually playing compared to time spent with it, and never made it past mediocre teams. I was dodging playing good people quite a bit, when I reached a higher good rank I stopped playing went back to theory crafting etc. Just like in floorball I had fast start then kept changing things and peaked at one level
4)Sales
After uni I decided to work on the one thing I was lacking - social skills. So I jumped into the most uncomfortable thing ever for a nerd gamer
My first sales job was in media monitoring - phone sales to directors etc.
Now what I did was I jumped into reading books, trying to find this new pattern that will finally make me break through, always tried to get systems in. And my manager told me this - I way overthink stuff. It's not about systems, it's about being yourself. You are a great person, that's why we hired you (like 2% ppl got hired for that company) and you put so much pressure on yourself. Well, no shit - notice a pattern? I was super stressed on the job, doing challenges like morning gym, heavy reading into sales on top of the very stressful cold calling, a petrifying thing for someone not used to talking to people at all. So ultimately, I failed.
My second sales job, the pattern re-emerged. My manager was one of the best people I have met, and he influenced me greatly. Nothing would phase him. His motto was positive attitude, he always had a smile on his face. He'd work hard, at his own pace, was literally, would not allow negative people to come to his life, and even when people he managed came in with excuses, whiny he'd just walk away and tell them to come back when they regained their attitude.
The whole year was an amazing experience for me. I was one of the guys who was the most motivated, had the best education and was the only one always reading books on sales, and listening to tapes for countless hours, tried to change my methods over and over again. This worked very well at start again. But I never settled on just agreeing with "fuck, I am good enough, I enjoy being good enough" and reduce stress, do what I do and just be myself. Bo (my manager) told me this - again that I am a great person, just be that person you learned shitloads there is no reason for me to change, and he wished I could see that too.
Again I quickly in weeks rose to above average in the company, but stayed there as I was putting pressure on myself, changing stuff and never made it to the top 5% in this field where the rewards increase exponentially with success and reaching targets. And the guys that learned a system and just accepted it and worked on making it better without changing it rose above me, even with lower intellect and work ethic.
5) Relationships
My last one and the end of it really is a big part that made me connect the dots today. Again it was great at start - I got back to dating besides one night stuff after a looong break I was reading books on female psychology, even read a Romantic fantasy novel(those things are like emotional porn for girls :D) and even looked at some dating coaches . Now looking back the very same pattern that has emerged in sales, I kept doing what I always do - always having theories, thinking about what the other person is thinking, challenges, trying new things even 6 months into it I was never really okay with being myself, her being her, never opened up, hardly ever just was "there" without over thinking about stuff that was no issue at all. I put enormous pressure on myself, and especially in the last few months I wasn't really there for her, never really could just hang out and have fun without any thought, write stuff just because. Wanting her more and caring lead to what I have done with so many things and eventually drove her away.
There was no way this could work, or even know if it COULD work as what I was doing never allowed for opening us to each other, especially with the added pressure I put on myself with . . .
Poker
Fuck, where can I start? Drone made me really thinking (as I always do :D). It will come as no surprise to any of you who follow me over the years, even without seeing this blog.
In poker, I went from NL2 to NL50 and supernova with UK promotion in 6 months. Just read my blog. I was learning religiously, always trying to find new theories, have seen every video out there, and spent a lot of time theory crafting. Hell - look at my freaking post count :D
Just like in floorball, poker, dating, starcraft the pressure I put on myself and the quest for new theories put me quickly at the above average level, and the very same thing also made sure I stay there, with immense pressure added.
I guess I needed a slap in the face to realize this. But I play micros. I cash out a lot. I think more and work harder off and on the tables than any regular at my stakes, and I'd be surprised if that wasn't true. Because the others that try this hard...don't keep playing the stakes I do. Poker is stressful for me because I make it that way as I did with other things. I always try to find new ways to play, change my game even during sessions, watch all videos out there and I think all of you that spoke to me know that my theoretical knowledge is way WAY above what you'd expect from a player playing my stakes. I am able to balance this with focus on mindset, excercise, positive stuff off the tables but again my desire to challenge myself, put pressure on myself, to find that golden pill "if I find this new thing I'll break through" are always there. This leads to procrastination, stress, more tilt, and lower happiness really.
And I am doing great positive things and think positively and work on my well being, but instead of them helping me skyrocket they just are a must to balance the pressure I put on myself.
So yeah, there you have it. Many of you have told me this over the years, but I have never listened. Because it's such a big part of who I am, and always was - the need to put pressure on myself, to always get better leads to me paradoxically learning very fast at start then stagnate and be stressed from thereon after where the theories start clashing, I keep changing who I am what I do and am never satisfied with myself or spend time to just be okay with who I am and focus on making it better and developing it instead of changing it.
I beat micros at 6bb/100. I am good at it, I don't need to learn new things, I am a great person and I don't need to worry about anything or change my game whatsoever besides thinking about the hands in progress and do a database and own range+ hh correction once in a while, realize what my game actually is and then develop it slowly without adding new theories, and trying to overhaul it.... Even after a downswing, I feel down yet all I need is to do what I do, put in the hours and... just play...solid, just focus on my game, just be me.
All I need to do is be myself, and believe that that's just great and enough, and for once focus on becoming my best self without trying to change it, to challenge it,to over think it or try to find the new golden pill.
Can I do it? Only time can tell. I guess realization is the first step.
0 votes
93% Sure!
Last edit: 08/01/2015 07:22
1
2primenumbers United States. Jan 08 2015 09:05. Posts 199
I still believe sales is the 2nd best thing you can do toward your entrepreneurial inclinations, TBH, Poker is a waste of time if its all you're doing... especially at micros.
The only fulfilling poker lifestyle I can see is as a live cash/tourney player who is very socially active at the table (but that'd mean you had other stuff going on -- socially active developing connections for your business or sales off the felt)
And it sounds like Manager Bo was telling you to learn rise above your over abundant thought-laws (contracts)* that were getting you all pumped up during sales interviews.
The contractions in your abdomen resulting from your passions being inappropriately released during the sales interviews was likely your downfall, all you gotta do is be yourself and be prepared with alternate-routes and head-on face to face meetings with your common objections.
btw I have never sold a thing in my life
btw thats a lie
*(from too much studying instead of just listening and reading and executing from a base of some custom scripting on overcoming your most common objections etc)
www.youtube.com/RichardGamingo - All of your commentated gaming entertainment.
"Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines."
one of my favourite songs
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Big_Rob_isback United States. Jan 08 2015 23:08. Posts 211
The obstacles to learning the lesson you need to learn in life keep getting harder until you come to full realization.
I dunno but to me it sounds like you are trying to focus on too many things at once, getting good in many of them, but great in neither.
Focusing on one or two things (for a long enough time) instead will give you a pretty good chance to become really good at them.
If I take Starcraft for example - I remember when WGT was the hype, I really really wanted to place good there and so I practices playing Lost Temple all the time and it paid off, I almost always won the Czech WGT rankings (useless I know, but felt good ) eventhough there were better player than me here. And sure, it didnt work very good in bo3 tourneys when I pretty much autolost any island map, but at least I was good at one thing
there is a light at the end of the tunnel... (but sometimes the tunnel is long and deep as hell)
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) eventhough there were better player than me here. And sure, it didnt work very good in bo3 tourneys when I pretty much autolost any island map, but at least I was good at one thing 
