Sick as a dog

one day we will all get sick and never get better

Let that marinate a bit...

Oooph, existence can be rough.

"One day we will all get sick and never get better"

Is this the point at which suicide is perceivable?

As a sober alcoholic am I at least calling for the morphine at this point?

Bring on the morphine! More morphine! Bring it all! All of it!

I think the fact that one day we will likely get sick and never get better is a sobering fact. A wake up call. A lot of times when I go on walks I think of how Nietzsche would go on walks and think of things like the eternal reoccurrence and then I naturally think about would I be happy to live my life over as I have lived it? It also forces me to think of the future because even if I am ok with the eternal reoccurrence today will I be in 20 years? If I don't start dating now when will I ever get around to that?

I jerked off to Gabbie Carter today for example but who I actually connect with on a date or who will be a supportive girlfriend could really come from anywhere. So, I have been keeping an open mind on Tinder. It could be anyone...

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The word communism has too much baggage. I don't know if there is a way around it at this point. However, most of us want a better future. That is the most important thing. There have to be alternative(s) to capitalism or else there is no future. What an even sadder life I lead to be of about the right age to see it all crumble down. Let's be honest, life has it's happy moments but existence is sad and tragic. Capital doesn't give a shit about me. I guess it's just a matter of people and dignity. Doing the right thing even though I may be in hell. We can still have a certain dignity. We can still exhibit certain narrative values of meaning. They can't take away the fact that I have read "Being and Nothingness" by Sartre or whatever I have read that brought me bliss and wisdom. Maybe that's all I have right now is my solitary pursuits but at least it is something. The pain is not too great to kill myself and heroine is no medicine. We have to medicate this pain of existence with something else. I still search and I still search. Nothing seems to work all of the time. Nothing is possible all of the time. I think of somebody to call.... It is too late. I think of somebody to help.... I can not think of a possibility. I feel too crummy to paint. Van Gogh understands what I am going through. I actually have a lot in common with Van Gogh. I wonder if I will shoot myself in the chest in 2 years like he did at age 37. I have always wondered if there is a way out for me. There is no way out. But, at least, I thought maybe there is a way out of suicide. I'll just keep putting it off ya know? Not now. Not yet. And I can go sometimes some time without thinking about suicide but it always comes back. Capitalist realism. Suicide is similar to capitalist realism in that it can be assumed there are no alternatives but in reality there are. In reality I can take most of the pain of this existence now. Tomorrow, I will go to work and turn into the pizza puzzle solver robot that they love me to be. It won't be so bad. I need friends.... Again it comes back to that. I am lonely. Many times bored. Actually, not all that bored. My therapist says I have a gift for reading which is weird because I don't think of it that way. And I look to people like Joseph Campbell and Edgar Morin as truly having a gift for reading. Also, LP's own Loco (well, LP's own on semi-sabbatical). I think it's just because my therapist does not like to read. She looks at me like I look at Morin perhaps. I don't know.

That's another thing. I am spending way too much money on this psychiatry/psychotherapy stuff. There is no way out of that either. Don't do it and stop taking my meds and likely end up in a psych ward or do take part in all of the suggested work and go deeper and deeper into medical debt. My employer's healthcare is a joke especially for "behavioral health." It's fucking mental health you pieces of shit! I had to negotiate another payment plan today in fact. I may be better off quitting my job and going on government care. That actually covers (most of) my mental health care and prescriptions.

I think when I'm lonely I listen to more Stimming. Actually I go into a Berlin mode where I just listen to a bunch of Berlin artists. I'll probably start reading Byung-Chul Han and taking German classes again. I remember I had dream that I would study philosophy under Byung-Chul Han in Berlin. Studying philosophy under Todd May at Clemson University is more realistic. Fuck it. I'll just start racking up student debt as well.

I'm a millennial after all.

I am getting tired (and feeling kind of crummy). Not sure what else I have to write. So, I will retire for now.

check your testosterone levels

Why? If it's low you want me to go on TRT?

because you are kinda soft
maybe would be the explanation to a lot of things

Are you challenging my masculinity on the internet!?!?!?

It's possible I have low testosterone but I don't think so. I would guess it's normal for my age. I am not going to take testosterone boosters and I am not going on TRT at 35. I'm not a pro MMA fighter.

There are viewpoints on life that are valid besides your widely machismo influenced one. And even if I was "kinda soft" by your definition that doesn't mean I should or can "man up," "pull myself up by my bootstraps," or start fucking around with testosterone drugs.

RiKD

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I'm guessing you tried to link a pic of a testosterone injection?

I wear normal sized boxer briefs fwiw.

I think drone is arguing that I am already a sad clown and that testosterone would make that better. I really don't know enough about testosterone to comment. I know my level is probably different to when I was 16-28 but that is a natural thing. I am much more wise than when I was 16-28. Unless I start lifting weights, doing BJJ again and listening to JRE and TRT will start calling my name again. Or not.

point that he misses is that the sad clown lives in a society. his place in that society makes him sad. whether that influences testosterone levels to some significant degree or not is secondary if not meaningless. the cause isn't the symptom. trying to tackle symptoms can only do so much; just like Joker's attempts at keeping a positive mindset.

Joker movie has been basically made for people with his worldview to become a bit more aware.

Hmmmm....

You've motivated me to check out the last showing of Joker nearby.

On October 18 2019 04:03 RiKD wrote: Are you challenging my masculinity on the internet!?!?!? It's possible I have low testosterone but I don't think so. I would guess it's normal for my age. I am not going to take testosterone boosters and I am not going on TRT at 35. I'm not a pro MMA fighter. There are viewpoints on life that are valid besides your widely machismo influenced one. And even if I was "kinda soft" by your definition that doesn't mean I should or can "man up," "pull myself up by my bootstraps," or start fucking around with testosterone drugs.

this almost seems like a troll post
you are completely uneducated about any subject you touched with this post

Oh, please enlighten me Mr. GOD of the Universe.

I really enjoyed the Joker movie. I have more to say but I should probably get some sleep. But one takeaway is just to be kind to people. Which I don't think I'm being kind to drone666 in the post above mine but I am not perfect. I am just a human being. Human after all.

Tupac talked about how the poor are going to rise up and eat the rich. I like that. Literally, eat the rich. And he said it would have to be spearheaded by the 16-29 yr olds. Probably, because anyone else has low testosterone. Guys like Noam Chomsky, Bernie Sanders, Byung-Chul Han, Cornell West. They are washed up nobodies with low testosterone.

Since my first post i feel like I hit a nerve, now I'm sure lol

>lol look at this low test fag so soft
>omg so uneducated about test
>lol looks like i struck a nerve

what was the point to all this? we already know you're one of the top 2 most intelligent drones on this site, you don't have to try to impress anyone

On October 20 2019 16:18 Santafairy wrote: >lol look at this low test fag so soft >omg so uneducated about test >lol looks like i struck a nerve what was the point to all this? we already know you're one of the top 2 most intelligent drones on this site, you don't have to try to impress anyone

the point of checking testosterone was clear, he's soft and seems like he likes this role of victim so people give him attention for being miserable
having low test can generate a lot of this type of behaviour

the second post was a proper answer to a completely retarded ignorant post from him, I never mentioned TRT and he has no idea about any hormonal disorder, the effects and how to treat it, he deserves a temp ban for that post, it almost gave me cancer reading it

the third was to point out that something about what I said seemed to have triggered this aggressive reaction from him ( maybe he was trying to prove his test levels are ok ), which is a good opportunity for him to investigate WHY he got so triggered, and then find something useful about himself

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Spoiler alert:

drone dies at the end of Joker.