Some Thoughts

I've got some time to kill and I don't feel like reading or painting.

When I go to these recovery meetings I should be there to be useful to the suffering alcoholic. That's it. Or is it? Tonight, I would rather just be on a date with A. She may be there she may not be there. I'm crushing for her hard just thinking about things like this. Will she sit next to me again? It's honestly probably better for her to sit next to the experienced women in the group. And for me to sit next to the suffering alcoholic or my mentors with alcoholism. My Tinder doesn't even work anymore which is probably for the better. I'm just lonely and I am under stress. I want sex and I want a partner. Although I would be content with casual sex or maybe I wouldn't be. We'll cross that bridge when I get there. Sometimes it feels as if life is crushing down on me and I can't get any relief. Give me this day my daily bread, forgive me for my trespasses. I don't even know if this new job can make ends meet. My car doesn't even have air conditioning and my medical debt is still there standing like a statue casting a shadow over my life. And all I want is a casual sexual relationship with a sex addict that she cannot offer at this point in time. Better for me to be friend zoned and all of our well-being to be intact. But I want it. We can't always get what we want but if we try some times we get what we need. I hope so. I hope so.

I really have no idea how I am going to get out of my parents' home. I am not going to go for any corporate jobs and honestly NGOs are all backed by dubious billionaire and corporate funding. I am just fucking restless, irritable, and discontent. And like getting my own place is something to look forward too greatly. Fucking landlords. I just have no idea how I am going to fucking make ends meet and that is probably why there is this allure to this woman. We talked about minimalism, Asian philosophy, fuck, we talked about a lot of stuff. The allure is running off to her apartment when she is feeling lonely or needy and having wild sex. That is the darkside of it. But she is really cool and I like her spirit and I don't want to harm her. Fuck man. It will play out how it plays out I suppose.

Hmmmmm. I think I realized tonight and I've realized before that I don't even particularly like the meeting on Tuesday nights. I like the people though and I like going to dinner after and of course I like A. It was pretty low key. She was looking really good tonight. She is a very attractive woman with an aura about her. I am not the only one that wants that vagina. This is pretty clear. We were sitting quite a bit apart so I didn't get to talk to her at all but it was maybe for the better to just chill and vibe with the people I was sitting with. I think I still would prefer to have just been on a date with A. Oh well, I got a goodbye hug and that was that.

I ran into a woman at the meeting that I don't know why I don't pursue her. We have been friendly for a while now. She is really smart and sweet and I don't know why I don't pine for her. The penis does the picking I suppose. But she is tall and attractive. I have just been wanting to get wild lately. Most of the sex in my life has been with pretty wild women. There is another woman in the meeting too which I saw a text exchange with someone who is an absolute freak and I love it. I'm trying to get with her too. I am pussy starved, I am women attention starved... man, I just want some conversation and coitus. Coitus and conversation.

I think I have decided to just let things be with A. She is a recovering sex addict who vowed not to date for 90 days so I will be a friend. If that firmly puts me in the friend zone so be it. Enough of this fantasizing about having wild sex with a sick person. In the first sentence I said I think because in the moment if I am in another intimate setting with her I really don't know what I would do. I think I have been a little sick here recently. It WOULD bother me if she started fucking all these dudes in the meetings. I really just need to find a nice girl and forget about all of this. Oh well, I have a meeting tomorrow with my sponsor I'm sure we can have a good conversation.

I just feel shitty about myself. I am 40-50 lbs overweight (6'2'' 220 lbs.). I had a perfect dinner tonight. 1 apple, 2 bananas, bowl of mangoes, some sweet potatoes, and zucchini then I go out with friends and ruin it all with a big ass pile of nachos. It's just how it has been going. I don't know if I have another diet in me. I am addicted to sodas and sweet tea and the southern diet including desserts.

My Tinder app doesn't even work anymore not that I should even care. I have no idea where I am going to meet women outside of AA or Food Not Bombs. I live with my parents and don't even know if I will be able to cover this month's expenses. Attractive. There are actually a handful of women associated with Food Not Bombs or the local DSA or just leftists in general that make a lot of sense to date. That community is so small though too and I value THE MOVEMENT more than trying to get my dick wet. I think I may need to bite the bullet and actually put up a dedicated OKCupid profile or whatever. But being an old, fat, broke guy is such a shitty starting position. I can't change old at this point. I can get into better shape. I can make more money but I am unwilling to basically. Take a corporate job and make more money or don't take a corporate job and be broke all the time. It's a dilemma. One of those shitty dilemmas capitalism has to offer. Fuck capitalism. I may have no idea how to live within it. Toil and toil and toil and for what? I think I am going to get to some suicidal ideations so better to just read and get some sleep.

You keep name dropping these corporate jobs as if they grow and trees and they are lining up to hire you when in fact its quite the opposite. Let's say you decided to come back to the capitalism bandwagon, seriously what employer in their right mind do you think would hire you and pay you a decent amount//alot of money at this point in time?

I was a "legendary" salesman at one time in my life and I still have all of those sales skills. I think you underestimate how badly corporations need good sales people. Maybe it is a stretch. Maybe it isn't. The point is I don't want to put myself in that position again. So, if getting hired by a corporation isn't likely than it's not even a dilemma I'm just trapped in the proletariat. Also, I have mostly been "name dropping" (you are using that term very poorly) non-government organizations (NGOs)(non-profit). The problem with those are they are backed by fuckers like Ray Dalio or JP Morgan Chase et al. There is seemingly no escape. And the damn corona virus is scaring everyone away from everything. No people equals no tips. But I want to be a part of society that just like grows food and shares. I don't know why we complicate things so much. Grow food, share, create gifts for each other. Instead I have to stand around all day making no money like a crack dealer in the desert. Toil, toil, toil. There is no end.

Ya know. I was standing there listening to a Mexie podcast like where are the Mexies in my life. I am sitting here writing all these blog posts about A. I listen to Mexie and I am like why am I interested in this crazy sex addict lady. But at the same time A makes my penis excited. She also excites my brain. Her spirit makes my life more interesting. The other night we were sharing stories about getting kicked out of casinos and gambling. Now that is a topic in my wheelhouse. A ceases to amaze me. But then I listen to Mexie and her laugh and I am like damn where is THAT in my life.

Ya know. I was talking to my sponsor today and he asked me if I have ever had a healthy relationship and the answer is obviously no. It's something that I am kind of working on on all fronts. I don't know if I am succeeding. I am doing a lot better than I once was that's for sure.

I don't know what it is man. I don't know if I want a woman to validate me. Or I just want some pussy. Or just someone to connect with. Someone to talk to. Get intimate with. There are seemingly many moments where I am very sad and lonely. I think that is the default setting of human beings or at least me. I don't actually need pussy. But I can't really see myself sitting in a cave meditating all day. I can see myself smoking a FAT blunt and sitting in a hot tub overlooking the hazy city lights listening to Chrome Spark's "Marijuana" or Kanye West's "808s and Heartbreak." But that is just reminiscing and romanticizing. The truth is my default setting is sad and lonely and I need human connection. Whether that is through books, music, or actually going out and socializing I need that shit or else I'll end up with a belly full of wine and xanax. No tellin' at that point.

I think if gone about in a sane manner romantic/sexual relationships can really enhance life. Nothing seems to be or appears to be the end all be all. Perhaps I won't be so sad and lonely. Man, life is complicated. And in all of this I could catch the corona virus and die or get into a car accident and die or get really depressed and off myself. There has got to be a better system out there though. Toil, toil, toil and I can't even make ends meet. Which keeps me sad and lonely and depressed. I need to find some leftist "chick" and go and squat somewhere and start taking action. I used to love getting super drunk and super high and listening to music as I passed out. I miss that to be honest. There was this one time I was fucking this really "hot babe" and I was absolutely wasted and was having difficulties keeping my dick hard. She had already given me the directions "when are you going to stop finger fucking me and give me some cock?" earlier but after having a good time with some different positions and my penis still having technical difficulties she fires off "what the fuck is wrong with you? You like fucking black guys instead or something?" which I thought was hilarious but also took it as a challenge so I had her vigorously suck my dick for a while and then finished in like pornstar pound it out missionary and felt like I had accomplished something in life. Another notch in the bed post.... See a problem for me is I judge who I should be dating by who I dated in my 20s. The fact that I fucked Cleopatra in the 'oughts means I should be fucking Helen of Troy today. When in reality there are so many quality women out there of different shapes and sizes and facial features. And like I said in the last post I am old, fat, and broke now. But I am tall with a certain moxie and charisma that has to account for something. Maybe not. #mylaugh

If I just didn't have this damn anxiety and depression. Fuck capitalism. There is surely something better. Let's grow food, share, and give each other stuff.

Im sure you did fine at your job but legendary sales ppl dont make 60k-80k mostly on base salary.

Also assuming you were doing b2b sales you cant just get another similar job as your resume for the past several years is doing something completely different.

Newbsaibot was in IT for probably 10+ years and when after he came back from taking a break from livepoker he had to take positions that paid way less than what he was making and he had much more experience than you.

There are sales jobs where you can potentially make decent to a ton of money that will hire just about anyone but this is a completely different type of sales job and theres no telling if you can or cant be succesful at those.

The point clearly isnt just about the fact that you dont want to work at these types of jobs and you "choose not to be there."

To me its quite insulting to ppl like NewbSaibot that champed out his current position overcoming a ton of hard times and you are here acting like its nothing while you mooch of your incredibly rich parents actively voting for idiotic socialist policies trying to undermine ppl that are actually doing work to better themselves // have skin in the game.

OK, I'll bite. I don't know why. I'm just not quite ready for sleep yet and figure ahh what the hell.

There was no commission at the corporation I worked for and quite frankly they were taking advantage of me. I had the most profitable account at one of the toughest accounts in the entire world and outsold "the best" sales guy in the region who was a living legend in those parts so guys used to joke that I was a legend. But actually I was a self-exploiting machine. The bosses would take me out for drinks and dinner because they knew I liked that and were also good at manipulating my ego. I flat out bungled some negotiations with the corp. but I was so in it making profits for the company and WINNING it was just too much for me to manage at that time. No one in my position was making $90k+ and like I said there was no commission so what the big swinging dicks would do was get to about $2mil+ in sales at 12+% return on sales and just cruise. Get a new technology high margin, easily manageable project going every now and then and the bosses couldn't really say shit. If you want to be a bigger swinging dick and exploit the expense account a bit more or want a nicer company car you go for more etc. But very few if anyone had 3mil+ at 12+% ros so if the bosses asked for more you could basically say fuck off or get promoted to district or regional manager or even be on the path for sales director or pivot to marketing jobs.

You are probably right that my b2b sales experience and following relevant resume gap is a killer.

Going back to a corporation is grasping at straws. I am trying to think about how I can make more money. A sales job somewhere is probably my best shot at making more money but it is also a fact that I don't really want to do this. If I were motivated and dedicated it's not impossible that a hiring manager would fall in love with me and I would kill it. Perhaps it's kind of silly to discuss. It's moot because I am not that guy and I am not going to try so it is both that I probably couldn't do it but also that I choose not to do it. I could run a marathon if I wanted to but I don't want to. I wouldn't wager any money on that I could get a $40k+ sales job in the next 2 years because I don't want to do it but if there was a gun to my head I think it's reasonable that I could do it. But the thought of that is displeasing. I am just trying to figure out what I can do to get out on my own and support myself. You think I like mooching off of my parents? That lacks dignity. But wage slavery lacks dignity as well. There are some jobs worse than others. Again, I am basically just grasping at straws to try and find some sort of balance.

How have I acted like NewbSaibot's path was nothing or anyone's path was nothing? We all have hard times.

The last part is just right wing garbage. Temporarily embarrassed billionaire bullshit. Do you make $475k in a year hiems? Do you think you will make that someday? Are you a climate change denier?

It's a little ridiculous to say that I am not doing work to better myself or that I don't have any skin in the game. You mean I'm not doing any work to climb the corporate hierarchy or caught in a materialistic dominance hierarchy game?

idk I guess you come off as either just trying to status-signal, delusional whenever you mention this "i could get a corporate job" thing

I mean seriously you referred to yourself as "legendary" like I said before you were making 60-80k off of base salary to start off and "legendary" is quite the word especially since the damn job you got because your dad was a higher up at the company. But like even past that point I'm just left scratching my head at the whole thing.... Do you think when your ex-coworkers remember you they think of you as a legend// that you had a high earning account OR do you think they would kind of be like "sheesh this guy basically got fired and is living with his parents now at 35 working in food service he really fell from grace in an epic way..." I don't know the exact details of your exit from your "corporate job" but it just comes off as super delusional and misleading that you conveniently leave out all the messy details in order to fuel this idea to yourself and to others that you have this "option" of "choosing not to work a corporate job." In reality this option just is not available to you period.

Its basically saying "Oh xyz Cash game stable wants to stake me because of my poker graph but I basically choose not to live that lifestyle" and then you proceed to post a graph of only the part where you run it up and omit the part where you punt it all off. If you think your resume gap//lack of motivation is the only thing holding you back from a b2b sales career you have got to be joking because there is much more to it than just your recent employment gap. If I am hiring for a heart-beat type sales position, all I want is a rainmaker. You can be coked out of your mind half the day, have a dui or two, shady resume doesnt really matter in a pure sales position all I care about is that you bring me sales. Like I said before though, you have absolutely no experience with this sort of thing and 1/1000 people have this skill. b2b sales is much more than that. Were you a team player? Didn't you have this delusion of trying to be ceo of your company or some shit like that? Weren't you hospitalized at some point of working for them? I just don't understand how you just sweep this all under the rug.

I put "legendary" in quotes because that is other peoples' words not mine. From the corporate point of view it looks like a tragedy that I blew up a good job but just like blowing up a good bankroll I just have to deal with it and in the long run it was inevitable. I would blow up anything in my life if I am gambling high stakes or using drugs or alcohol. I don't really know how people will remember me. The former regional manager said I was one of the most promising sales people he'd come across. He had a way of reeling me in and then he retired. The next guy was great but we were all cowboys at that point. The legendary sales competitor that I spoke of previously got kicked out of the mills for bribes. A lot of the bosses were forced into retirement for corruption basically. One of the mills that I called on isn't even running at this point. So the whole situation was a bit of a mess. I am better off now than I was then period. You don't know the details of my exit from the corporation so how can you be so sure it is as damning as you believe. I left on amicable terms even if I was extremely bitter about everything at the time I didn't show it. It only came up later in a 4th step. I don't really carry much in the terms of resentment for that period of time. It is what it is. Are you a hiring manager? Do you work in HR? How are you certain that all corporate jobs are off the table?

I don't even know why I am holding onto this argument. I have already accepted that I am likely proletariat until I die. It's not going to break my heart if corporate jobs are off the table.

Were you a team player?

I was pretty focused on profits at my accounts but I was there for people if they needed a hand. At that position people are trying to pull you in every direction and you have to learn how to say no and negotiate but I was there for people from the bricklayer to the plant manager and from the laborer to the president of the business unit. That was one thing I actually did extremely well. I would go the extra mile to bring in some pizzas for labor and bullshit as well as go out for drinks, golf, bike riding, whatever floated the bosses boats. I had a good relationship with my bosses even up to the end as I crashed and burned super hard, super fast. My bottom happened to coincide with my first major mental health episode so I was in the hospital for alcohol withdrawal/psychosis and then ended up in a psych ward shortly thereafter. This was the worst season of my life so far. I was well liked by many and I liked most of the people I worked with. Obviously, my dad being well liked and respected helped me in many facets but it also hurt me in some ways too. It was just a bad situation.

I did have the delusion of being the president of the business unit. Penthouse condo in Lincoln Park, Chicago, IL even though there was no headquarters there. It was more of a half baked fantasy than anything. It wasn't my goal or anything. My goal was more like 3mil+ at 12+% ros so I could have fuck you power with the bosses and corporate. North of $80k is plenty of money if you are living in Northwest Indiana. Now, I had fantasies of living in downtown Chicago and living a materialist lifestyle which was difficult. I would drink domestic light beers and smoke homegrown Chronic with rednecks and shoot machine guns on their farms one day and then be off to drink champagne with doctors, lawyers, engineers in posh downtown Chicago spots the next. It was really strange. I still miss K. If there was ever wifey material it was K. The opportunities man. So, much good pussy in downtown Chicago. 1am booty call texts. I definitely miss that. #mylaugh. I have no fucking idea how I sweep it all under the rug. #mylaugh.

So, I am cooped up in the crib. I don't think it's fair to my parents to be out socializing all the time and bring Covid-19 into the household. But it fucking sucks. I miss my peoples. Even though I went to Food Not Bombs and a meeting today. I don't know if that is irresponsible at this point. One positive is I haven't seen A in almost a week and the spell is drifting. The more distance I get from her presence the more I realize there is no way I should be pursuing a sexual relationship with her. It also helps that some other women have popped up in my life. If I'm honest they don't excite me like A does but it's nice to have other women in my life even if it's just that stage like yeah I am interested in dating them but it's also cool if they become friends. I wouldn't sell a heroin addict heroin so why would I give a sex addict the drug of her choice even given her palpable sexual charisma. It's got harmful written all over it. And that's really all I can try to be in this life is useful or to reduce harm where I can.

The Food Not Bombs kitchen this morning was 5 women (2 trans) and myself. I am typically always a minority there. It's interesting. I think it's actually really good for me. When I showed up it was just the 2 trans women talking about trans women stuff and I was just like okay. Okej. (God bless Swedes). But at least I had an absurd amount of garlic to clean but those 2 are fucking hilarious together. One of them presents as a butch lesbian and I didn't know that she had transitioned at first (her name is Alex). Talking to a comrade I accidentally called her a he which is one of my biggest fears in these settings. Luckily, I caught myself and she wasn't there but man pronouns are hard sometimes. Not as hard as they/them or ze/zir but I am doing my best.

Came up on Spotify... I love this song:



Ya know, it's weird I would consider dating my therapist when she goes to geriatrics in June. I don't know what to think about that really. It's just kind of weird. Maybe not. She is an attractive woman and we have intimate conversations. I am pretty certain she just sees me as a patient and I actually value her therapy more than dating her at the moment but it's just a weird thought. I like her as a therapist and a human being why not ask her out after the care is done and see what happens? I mean I'm not actually going to do this it's just a thought I had. I wonder if this is common in therapy?

I think I need even MORE women in my life. Acquaintances, friends, dates, all of the above. I mean I am talking about dating a recovering sex addict and my therapist... that doesn't seem healthy. Yet, there are a handful of other women that are great candidates that I am just sort of non-plussed about. Perhaps they are better as friends. I don't know man. Like I actually don't think I am that bothered with being celibate it's just this underlying sadness and dissatisfaction and loneliness it feels like the right woman could fill that hole. At least at times. It would be nice to have a partner in crime in this thang called life. Smooth and ease out this existence a little bit. But what do I know? I've never had a healthy relationship.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The absolute funniest part of capitalist ideology is that they someone managed to convince everyone that &quot;freedom&quot; meant like...the freedom to choose between 63 kinds of shampoo, and not like...the freedom to quit a job you hate without losing your health insurance.</p>&mdash; Existential Comics (@existentialcoms) <a href="

On March 16 2020 01:54 RiKD wrote: Ya know, it's weird I would consider dating my therapist I like her as a therapist and a human being why not ask her out after the care is done and see what happens? I mean I'm not actually going to do this it's just a thought I had. I wonder if this is common in therapy?

it's a common feeling to have in therapy. as much as most psychoanalytic stuff is outmoded, the idea is generally covered under transference and most perspectives would generally agree its a thing in one form or another. that aside, ethically, psychologists are not allowed to date the ex clients for a period of at least 2 years since the final session. its still massively frowned on after that. its rarely pursued because 1) power asymmetry 2) the therapist would have to prove to the ethics board that they didn't rush/botch therapy for their own personal gains and 3) a lot of times people will leave therapy only to come back later. dating prevents that from happening.

so long story short, its a completely common and normal feeling to have - its rarely reciprocated, and even if it were, almost all ethical therapists would decline anyways.

Thanks for the response.

So, I have to wait 90 days to date A, 2+ years to date other A (even though I would guess that it's actually off the table for life), and there is another A in the picture that I have thought about asking out. Would be quite the remarkable parlay to nail all 3 As and get straight As. I mean that's not what I'm in it for so in reality I am never having sex with A or other A and we will see with another A. I'm so lonely I just want to spoon and talk about dreams.

I actually went to see my therapist today. I was a little concerned with the Covid-19 abound but I went anyway. The waiting room was empty. That was cool. Probably the biggest thing I am dealing with is she asked me to really focus on one thing. That is very difficult for me to do. She also suggested I start my own non-profit. That kind of resonated with me. I thought about starting my own Montessori school. There are already 3 in my city though. See my thoughts are already jumping at a number of interests. Another A challenged me the other day on what non-profits I'm actually looking into. I was like oh shit and was just like "well, I'm intersectional so blah blah blah...." I think she actually really liked the fact that I used the term intersectional but it was really just a bullshit answer. I do believe in intersectionality of course but it's kind of a cop out answer even if it makes intersectional feminists slightly wet. Oh brother..... I am a dog...... Anyways, Another A kind of put me in my place and made me realize I've actually done very little work in looking for a non-profit to work for. That is an attractive quality in my books. And I absolutely love the idea of starting my own but fundraising and organizing and trying to limit my focus is a DAUNTING task. I remember there was a time that I wanted to steal ground beef from Aldi and cook up burgers with a friend out of the back of his truck and then was like "Oh yeah, Food Not Bombs already exists." Something like this might happen with starting my own non-profit. I would know for sure I would want it to be grassroots only taking small donations from people and perhaps local small businesses. Nothing from Michael Bloomberg or Amazon. Maybe I'll come back to this thread. I'm off for now though.

People tell me I should be a history teacher. They wouldn't let me teach the history I would want to teach. I'd want to teach "Manufacturing Consent" and "Confessions of an Economic Hitman."

But what should I focus on. I have been focusing on Covid-19. For me it has diminishing returns. I think I'm pretty good with wash my hands, sanitize stuff, and stay inside. If you want more info though PM Fisheye. We have a pretty sweet discord channel going on the subject. Tell all of your friends.

But, I'm inside, I wash my hands, I sanitize stuff. I talk on discord. I talk to friends and tell them to stay inside, wash their hands, and sanitize stuff. I don't have any capital to really capitalize on the situation so that could be for the better. But what do I want to be doing with my life, what will pay the bills, what am I good at? What is something I can actually focus on. Going back to school for therapy doesn't seem all that appealing. How in the hell am I going to start my own non-profit? I gotta get active in something. I am going to lose my mind just sitting in this house all day.