Time and Effort (Energy)

I had a dream last night that we were all in "Utopia" (whatever that means). I don't even remember many details. I remember having a sense of deep contentment. I remember my brother and sister-in-law not required to be "in the chair from 8-5" while working from home while trying to raise a toddler.

It reminded me of this:



I remember a jarring feeling like "Noooo, it is only a dream" when I woke up. I'll start using "I" again. I am speaking in English after all.... I want to go back there. There is no such thing as utopia or Utopia. We may be too late. Apocalypse happened 30 years ago anyway. Put it all into place. We could be accelerating rather than de-growthing. Is it outside the realm to imagine a new Covid-19 every year?

In that dream it felt like I was with the Greeks. The Spirit of SPA (Socrates, Plato, Aristotle). We all had a goblet of red wine and some food to eat. From pauper to prince. There was no pauper. There was no prince. Machiavelli was nothing but a bad dream. A non-existent pervasive pandemic which would or could never bloom.

But anyways, I'm back on the road baby! "Gödel, Escher, Bach" by Douglas R. Hofstadter. That is my new "project." I don't have to worry about time and energy anymore. I have found my new shiny toy.

I've been listening that Aurora cover on repeat for the past 6 months probably. That song is so perfect and she makes it better somehow, that chick is superb, so out of the ordinary, awkward and weird and possibly the best thing that has happened to the music industry since Tool

Seen a bunch of interviews with her.. apparently she s writing an album for after she dies with a single song per decade.She doesn't want to perform live cause she feels forced, wants to just do music for the music itself and nothing else... kind of feel bad for her that you can't possibly survive in our society without profiting out of it

Never really bothered checking any other artist out, but her uniqueness kind of made me do it



If you're interested

She seems quite lovely.

Le Français est une langue facile. C'est comme l'espagnole et l'anglais, mais les accents sont plus logiques.

Et il y a seulement un mot pour "to be"!

Oh lá lá

Être et beauté

That is about the extent of my French. I never learned unfortunately. If I could go back in time I would have taken German, French, and Latin. Well, I would like to take Spanish too and Russian. Anyways....

Anyways,

Another night. Another night I can't sleep. Another night I just write stuff in the white space.

I think it's frustrating to read someone like Kropotkin and live in this world that is so far from anything like what Kropotkin is talking about. It just kind of feels like it's getting worse rather than better. We are accelerating the badness and not taking de-growthing seriously. It's an impossible task in late capitalism. I want a life overfilling with Soul and Spirit. Before the soul and spirit dwindle into das Nichts. I think I would like my body to be burnt. One last bonfire under the stars with family and friends. Annihilation Party 20xx! ¡Fiesta de Muerte dos mil y ____! I would want to be burnt until I am undecipherable as a human. A grand bonfire with comfy lawn chairs and spirited discourse. Plenty of wine and marijuana. No music. Only the stars and the sounds of the nearby forests.

I miss my leftist friends. They motivate me and give me hope. And they make me laugh. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope. I could catch Covid-19 and die. It really doesn't feel that way locked away in my ivory tower reading drugs but it's true. Then there is the fact that the ice caps are melting and late capitalism and there could be a new Covid-19 every flu season the way things are going.

But it's probably best to just take things one day at a time. Get high on drugs in my room. Take a daily walk. Try not to lose my mind.

Maybe we can come out of this with the spirit to organize and make a difference. Maybe not.

On April 07 2020 22:59 Spitfiree wrote: I've been listening that Aurora cover on repeat for the past 6 months probably. That song is so perfect and she makes it better somehow, that chick is superb, so out of the ordinary, awkward and weird and possibly the best thing that has happened to the music industry since Tool Seen a bunch of interviews with her.. apparently she s writing an album for after she dies with a single song per decade.She doesn't want to perform live cause she feels forced, wants to just do music for the music itself and nothing else... kind of feel bad for her that you can't possibly survive in our society without profiting out of it Never really bothered checking any other artist out, but her uniqueness kind of made me do it + Show Spoiler + If you're interested

I may or may not have just watched 5 interviews of her and painted her while listening to her 3 albums. The flow state was gut. I'm dealing with the comedown now.

I really like that AURORA likes to make music, paint, read books, cook, and masturbate. I love those things too. I love that she loves GOJIRA. I really enjoyed painting her today. It is one of my favorites. But, she is after all, a POP star. Actually, what I love about her the most is that she is aware of climate change and vocal about it. Pro LGBTQ rights, mental health awareness, anti-toxic masculinity. The craziest thing though is that it seems like she is appropriating herself with out her own knowledge or consent. She comes off as very unique and authentic but selling herself as a commodity tarnishes that imo. It's hard to be truly authentic while having a dedicated facebook, twitter, and instagram page. It must lead to conflict. Some of her songs and interviews lead me to believe that she is a communist at heart. I believe she just really loves creating music and gives most of her money away. Perhaps she can find a space of tranquility with out the "they" but she still has to beg for likes and listens. I was so in the zone I didn't even think about any of her songs I just went with the emotions and painted for the most part. There was a song called "Rivers" that I liked dealing with mental health and a remix of "Running with the Wolves" that got me dancing.

Byung-Chul Han leads a better life than AURORA. How do I know? I don't because I know nothing about Byung-Chul Han besides his writing but that is exactly the point. He not only wanders untrodden paths. He hovers. But what do I know? I'm just an Ohio cracka with a nice flow. I'm dancing, I'm dancing, not a care in the world, I'm dancing. I was thinking about painting Dionysus. Fuck it let's do it live!

I love this:




When I paint I am Dionysus. It's quite a great feeling. When I read "Gödel, Escher, Bach" I must temper that down to Apollo. I think it is more fun to be Dionysus but it's not sustainable. What happens when one is drinking 2+ boxes of red wine a night?

I love this too:



I have to be careful with my Dionysian side. Frenzy and chaos and mania and red wine are not my friends. Nietzsche is my friend however. Dancing in the kitchen I laugh at the Spirit of Gravity.

I enjoy philosophers at play. Nietzsche is maybe the best at this. Analytic philosophers are Apollo. Nietzsche is Dionysus. I appreciate art that comes from a certain madness. I am compelled to create. Freedom is the opposite of compulsion but how come when I am compelled to paint... when I am painting I feel free or rather it just feels good. I don't say to myself "golly, I feel free" it just is. I paint and dance and lose myself. Time is not a concern. There is no temporality. As Matisse said, "I am in paradise." I wish I could go back. It's not a state-of-mind that I can conjure. Painting Apollo isn't as exciting as painting DIONYSUS. Just as solving formal system puzzles isn't as fun as painting. Maybe for some people. Not for me.

The Spirit of Gravity will have the last laugh however along with Hades. I will get old and decrepit and die. For now, I'm running with the wolves. For now, I must paint.

Now I just have to sit and let the paint dry.........

I could sit and let the paint dry by starting another painting!

Fuck, now I have to let the paint sit and dry again.........

I put the other paint on pretty thick so it's not going to be dry yet Fuck.....

Fuck it, let's go for it!

Annndddd.... I'm all painted out. My last painting was fun but lackluster.

I would masturbate but there is no where to do it.

"Gödel, Escher, Bach" is well and good but I don't feel like doing math problems right now.

The planned walk in nature isn't until 4:30 PM EST...

I don't want to be Dionysus anymore. I am tired. No more running with the wolves. It's time to take a break.

Gahhhh, I started a new painting now I have to let the paint sit. I'm losing my mind in quarantine. My parents are watching some horrible rom com with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz. Why am I here right now? I would escape to sleep but I can't sleep right now. At least I'm listening to some Florence + The Machine.

Sartre said Che Guevara was the illest human alive (not in those words). I thought Sartre was the illest motherfucker alive so him saying CHE is the illest motherfucker alive is saying something. I aspire to be Che-like. Who the fuck wants to be like Mike when you got Che Guevara in existence.

Here is a song of my revolution, our revolution, The Revolution, the revolution, tHE rEVOLLUTION, THE REVOLUTION ¡Viva la Revolucion!





GILET JAUNES! WORLD REVOLUTION! RESTORE ECOLOGY AND WELL BEING!



Dance while you still can! Hades is patient yet persistent. I want to write something romantic in French about death but don't have the skillz.

Paint's dry. Bye niggas!

Also,


Officially manic. Not manic as fuck yet but strap in here goes. I am trying to figure out activities to do at 3am. I am out of canvases!!!! I COULD START PAINTING THE WALLS BUT I DON'T THINK MY PARENTS WOULD APPRECIATE THAT MUCH!!!!





I'll just chill and share good music.

I wish I could be as chill as my cat Sebastian right now.



I could use some Oxytocin right now. A where you at?????? I just want a hug. A hug with my penis inside of you.





Hmmmmmm.............

Well, hopefully I can sleep at some point tonight. I should probably take an Ativan and call the Doctor tomorrow. I don't really want to check out the psych ward here. I am happy to be psych ward free. Ativan is expired....... A worrying aspect of bipolar is I just don't know if I will be sleeping tonight or again for weeks.............................



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I love Paris.





I want this painting!!!!!!! Put it somewhere pronounced where I see it everyday.

I have a skull. I just need an hourglass and a tulip. I really enjoy incense too. Flowers. Wilting flowers. Blooming flowers. Perfect titties turn to torpulent titties of trials and tribulations. AGING. Abs turn to flab. One day my dick won't work right. I must find the beauty. Give me all of the beauty.

I just matched with a HOT GURL on Tinder. She asked "Wyd?" I responded "Amateur philosopher." She said, "Wow Nice." I'm just trying to finish my coffee to some tunes.

I found some more potential canvases. Paintings I can paint over. I don't know if I'm feeling painting though. I just got a little too manic with some of them. I don't like them. Fun as hell to do but as I said overall a bit lackluster. Weird thing about my paintings is people really like different ones. Ones that I don't even like.

I do feel like dancing though. I am dancing. I was dancing.

I don't even know why I use Tinder. It gives me something to do when I take a shit but then I ignore it 99.9% of the time.



Whelp, I'm done with my coffee.

BYUNG-CHUL HAN TIME!!!

The better version of Hot Chip - Flutes

I like the original better but I'm in a Beethoven zone right now. All that shit I posted in the last few days seems trivial to me now.







Everything seems so trivial. Why do I even post on here?

There is the fact that I can't sleep. But my mania started off strong today. I called the doctor. Then I kind of induced myself to take a nap and it worked and I haven't been that manic today. It's rather remarkable really I was flying all day yesterday and into the early AM. I thought surely I was off to the races. Time will tell. We will see.

I read one of my most favorite chapters I've read in a while today. Byung-Chul Han on Heidegger, "Being and Time," and "Passion and Entertainment." In fact I should probably be re-reading it instead of typing but I am enjoying Beethoven too much for the time being. Even just sitting here staring at the wall is quite enjoyable. I like reading with absolute silence. I like writing with some sort of music just to have something going. Oh, to have the passion of a Beethoven or a Heidegger. They've created works that I marvel at. Works that are worth living for. Going back to 500 BCE and even before then. All this richness that has arisen through out the years. It seems like such a waste to me to just throw it all away just because some oligarchs want their way. Late capitalism is toxic and destructive. It's as simple as that.

I don't have all the answers. I'm just a guy who's supposed to be manic but is somehow super relaxed listening to some Beethoven but I'm probably still manic because I can't sleep or I am just an insomniac. Insomniacs need things to do in the middle of the night so why not write away? I would love to walk the streets of Paris like Cioran. Perhaps I'll read. "Perhaps I'll read..." Story of quarantine. Hope everyone is sleeping better than I am. I feel like I love most human beings on earth right now. We just have to get to the point where we are fired up about real life and not caught up in some anti-capitalist Disney movie. I don't even like thinking about it in terms of the tranquilized "they." It makes it seem like it's me vs them. Us vs them. We are all human (all too human) after all. That is like a Daft Punk + Nietzsche collab which is pretty rad. How do we all get on the same (obvious) page? Again, I don't know. I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I just want to have some waffles with blueberries and some maple syrup from Vermont and a cup of coffee and just take some time to enjoy.

"The world of entertainment is the underworld passing itself off as heaven." - Adorno

This is the strangest thing. I couldn't sleep last night but got a solid 8 hours and I wake up this morning and I don't really feel manic at all. If anything I am a little elevated or in some state of mild hypomania. This has never happened before. Am I learning to control my powers? I'd much rather be in a state of mild hypomania all the time than be some bipolar I psychotic maniac. "Am I learning to control my powers?" Famous last words there. Jesus. We just killed Jesus. Will anybody learn?

I write because I fear death. I write because I can't do anything else. I don't have "it" to the degree of a Kafka but I get it. I relate. I identify. I just wish I could use "it" for something other than blog posts. I could never write something as brilliant as "The Metamorphosis" or "The Hunger Artist" and it is discouraging to try. Maybe I should try. Just write a short little story. It doesn't have to be up to the standards of a Kafka or a Chekhov. Just a little ditty to get me through the day. My paintings not being up to par with a Matisse or a Picasso doesn't bother me in the least. I don't feel like writing a short story now. It will be in the grips of death when insomnia has it's teeth in me that I must write. Or not. Who knows? The last time I tried to write a short story I was trying to make it too clever. I like this Kafka idea to write out of a state of fear of death. A compulsion to write similar to the hunger artist starving because he never found any food that he liked. Well, I think I may have found some things I like outside of writing. Creating stories is not that sort of drug for me. But I think if I write out of human suffering/human passion I can't go wrong. Human at play. That is what painting is for me. That is what dancing is for me. I can talk about short stories all I want. I'll either be alone at 3am full of fear and start typing away at a story or I won't. I don't think it's wise to force it. I want to be a writer. I like the idea of being a writer. But I don't actually write anything.

I think another issue for me is this feels like home to me. This is a wank to Abella Danger. This is my fill up a decanter full of red wine and taking a shower. Painting is more of a burst for me. A vacation to the sublime. I must come back home at some point. When the paintings lose their piece de resistance it is time for a break. When transforming into Dionysus becomes a labor it's time for a break. When there are literally no canvases left it is time for a break. But I am seeking that feeling. Especially, coming home from the steel mills covered in dust and grime and starting the shower and *glug glug glug glug* into the oversized red wine glass. Let it breathe. Sometimes I would greedily chug it down before the shower. It wouldn't matter. It wouldn't hit me in the shower anyways. There is nothing quite like a hot shower when one is legitimately dirty. There is nothing quite like the intoxication of red wine. Starting from the color to the smell to the taste to the effect. The Ritual. Always accompanied with music. Even up to 3 boxes of wine in a night there was a zone there. A relief. I miss it to be honest. I need a new home that isn't writing in the white spaces here. Something a bit more creative and passionate. I need to move*. Someplace cozy. A zone of Hygge. A reprieve from die Angst auf das Nichts.

* Dancing classes or Tai-Chi might be appropriate.