Big Lunch

Sometimes I dream of Jiu-Jitsu. I would probably be a Purple Belt or a really good Blue Belt at this point if I would have stuck with it. Which is a tall order. I think Jiu-Jitsu almost has to be an addiction or an obsession. I remember spraining my thumb and taping that sum bitch up and getting after it with virtually no rest. Same thing when I pulled my groin and there were constant bumps and bruises. Especially when I was an upper White Belt promoted to advanced classes. I didn't have the talent on the floor. A lot of things didn't come easy to me and I was getting my ass handed to me by mid-upper Blue Belts. I mean they were really mopping up the floor with me. My gas tank was lacking. It was bad news. It felt hopeless even if I was mopping the floor with clueless White Belts. I didn't really go against those guys/gals anymore. I think my real talent was in Greco Roman wrestling and dirty boxing. I was pretty good at boxing too talent wise. Muay Thai I didn't really have the dexterity in the kicks. Wrestling I had a great sprawl and that was about it. My goal was to enter the cage at some point in an amateur fight. I thought that would be a nice project/adventure. Boy did I burn out in that endeavor.

Now, I like reading stuff and going on walks. Sometimes one needs a little distance and reflection to truly contemplate things. I always like basketball more than wrestling. I was a very good tennis player but liked lacrosse more than tennis. Sometimes I regret that as I could play tennis into old age and was actually better at tennis than I was in lacrosse. One has to follow there passions I suppose.

But what am I doing here?

I don't feel like watching YouTube videos or reading books. I was just laying down in my bed staring at the wall.

I had a dream the other night that I was eating at a restaurant by myself and snuck a glass of wine. Then I was trying my hardest not to have another glass of wine to prove I could do it and it was hell. On a day like today if I were still drinking I would have definitely started by now. I was talking to drone666 about drugs and LSD and ketamine sound amazing. I never did either of those drugs. Drone666 makes a great case for LSD, Zen Buddhism, and Epictetus. I am holding strong in my exploration of Heidgger, Marcuse, and the Beat Generation though. I feel like "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac is something I should have read in my late teens to mid 20s but I am finding it interesting. "Braiding Sweetgrass" by Robin Wall Kimmerer is maybe the best of the bunch. I am really enjoying that one.

Maybe I am trying to read too much at once. I think it can kind of break the day up a bit better as if I'm studying for different courses though.

Toodles.

dont forget to read my signature

You make a good case for both LSD and Ketamine. Ketamine is off the menu for sure because I would surely abuse it. Like I told you before LSD is only off the menu because multiple Doctors have told me to never use it due to my Bipolar I. I don't think alcoholics should be demonized for doing things like shrooms or LSD. I think these things can actually help matters.

I have 6 years clean and sober today. Imagine that?

I've been reading so much in my bed I've developed like soreness/cramps in my legs. I think it even might be something like restless leg syndrome but I don't know if it's that serious. Anyone ever deal with this before?

In Praise of Idleness - Bertrand Russell

I am experimenting with pushing the limits on idleness. I read for a bit this morning and then just stared at the wall for an hour. It was nice. I think I had an epiphany reading "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. I was conscientiously reading this story and it was kind of shit but I just kept reading and reading. After reading it it's like what's the difference. What's the difference if I stare at a wall or doze off or read a book or whatever. I was happy staring at the wall. I have built up my idleness powers by avoiding all social media and passive entertainment even Reddit.