Back in Radford, MA + other

I'd rather be wolf food than worm food

The river was still and grey,
The mountains were still and grey,
The sky was still and grey,
The tombstones were grey and degrading,
no wind,
the trees were still,
In that moment I decided to listen to Still by NIN,
it started to drizzle,
it was time to get back to home base dwelling #02.

I am back in Radford after a week at the beach. Another grey day walk although it was windy. I was contemplating how to live life. I find myself in a particular predicament. I have to plan for 2 years, 10 years, 20 years, 40 years. I should figure out how long the nausea, pain, exhaustion sinks in before I die. I don't think I ever want another used liver in my system and one day I may have to make that decision quick. What if I am at the end of this liver yet I do not want to die but it is too late?

Walking slowly around the cemetery I notice there was a lot of identity tied up with name. "Smith, good father, son & brother." "Here lies the Campbell Family." Crazy large cut stone monuments simply inscribed with "MONTAGUE." It's like some of them were trying to be the biggest "winners" in the damn cemetery!

It got me thinking about immortality projects and our denial of death. Gravestones are not immortal. That cemetery is 300 years old and many of the degraded gravestones were just a slightly more cemetery "esthétique" than the cut stones marking the entrance. None of the names or information were legible. There are no such thing as immortality projects. Only "immortality" projects. Maybe there is some level of immortality in digital encyclopedias. Still, humans will eventually die out and no one will care. Maybe high tech aliens would care some day. . .

Some moments I am perfectly at peace with death. Other moments I am scared. I feel like I am more comfortable with the fact that we come from stardust than the fact that we will "die." At least if my liver fails I can pump myself full of morphine and morphine equivalents and benzos and I probably won't care. To kill myself takes a lot of fortitude.

I don't know if I am the black sheep of the family but I certainly do not please my parent's vanity as much as my brother and sisters. To be honest, I don't give a fuck. The impossible standards no longer apply to me.

I feel like I am drifting away from my siblings. My sisters are best friends. It is unreasonable to expect a similar relationship with them. My brother and I are not that close unless we are nerding out over the same things. They all bond because of their new children and new similar experiences. Sometimes they resent me for not having children. I never find myself wanting to have children. I enjoy entertaining or teaching the little poop machines for a ludic period of time but after that it is a wrap for me.

+++++

I have been procrastinating reading The Conspiracy of Art by Jean Baudrillard....

I am going to a contemporary art museum today. The whole point was to see 2 James Turrell light installations but we mistakenly did not make reservations so unless someone cancels we are out of luck. I am still keen to see what the contemporary artists are up to. Going to art museums and punk shows always inspire me.

+++++

My hair is long enough to put it in a simple middle bun. It is a nice way of doing things at the moment for me. Over vacation my sisters were braiding it and doing all this bad ass shit which was fun. I think human beings liked to be groomed. I still think I am mostly a fan of the most simple medium bun. Takes less than 5 minutes.

If you have access go see a James Turrell exhibit.

- don't look at pics
- don't look at video
- don't read a brochure

Just go.

is all of this just too much information and hikikomori dreams?

i'm part of the problem right now.

All (probably only Loco can help),

I have run out of books to read and would like to read Byung-Chul Han's latest but I don't have the money to buy it from Amazon.

My old Kindle's battery was major messed up and I got a new Kindle for Christmas. Either my calibre was too old... it would not update due to my old 2009 macbook pro. OS X El Capitan is the most recent OS I can use. My Kindle was too new vs what I could update calibre to if I remember correctly.

What are my options today?

I suppose all I need is an e-book manager that will work with OS X El Capitan and upload to a 2021 Kindle for free. Calibre is perfect except for the not being able to update drawback. Grrrr....

I have the book. You can always download any Kindle book from Amazon after purchasing, then ask for a refund. The book is protected but Calibre can remove the protection with a plugin so that it can be read/kept forever. I'm not home right now and can't send you the unencrypted file - I'm in Manhattan til the end of the month.

Thank you. Enjoy Manhattan and the good life if you are lucky enough.