Protect me from what I want

I just read a chapter of a good book and lie there lingering for some time before I dozed off for a bit. Nothing particularly on my conscience besides the fragrance of contemplation before I fell asleep and a new consciousness when I awoke.

Calm, ease, idle, stable.

There is no labor to be done anytime soon although the thought of it and writing it out does involve a jolt of anxiety that one day I will be back in it. Activity, busyness, restlessness, worry, neurosis, anxiety, depression.

I'm doomed to be a negative net-worth untouchable with 0 credit or doomed to be a negative net-worth slave to the system...

It is a dilemma.

The leisure really isn't worth it if I can't do anything with my time. However, working for someone else brings suicidal tendencies.

I have lost my quiet serenity. Until next time...

Sounds to me like you can benefit from this book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4...ch=true&qid=1bdewz9425&rank=1

Maybe.

I read a portion of that book and then never really went back to it.

Doesn't he say that meaning is what we give meaning to?

When he was in the concentration camp he gave meaning to survival. It is not like it's possible to live the good life in a Nazi concentration camp. I probably would have been one of the many that got depressed and burnt up in a gas chamber.

So, "meaning is what we give meaning to" is all well and good but most people are looking for meaning beyond that. Something divine. If we are just looking for terrestrial meaning so we don't lose HOPE we can cope with Frankl's definition but in reality coping with terrestrial meaning seems foolish to me and we should accept no terrestrial meaning and live our lives according to that. I don't value Frankl's existence anymore than anyone of the people in the concentration camp that virtually gave up or did whatever to virtually assure their death. I did not read all of Frankl's story and there is a real attractive element of fortitude but it also takes fortitude to die a quiet death.

It appears as if I have gone back to some hedonistic nihilist type of base. I am not sure if that is true. I have travelled beyond Kantian ethics but where to?

I am a lost compabitlist trapped in NEETdom.

Perhaps I am a simple hedonist living for low hedonic adaptation (food, masturbation). Man, if I can just gaze upon Jade Kush and have a nice hand job until orgasm and get some good Italian food maybe this existence thing is worth it?

I dread all of these people asking questions like "You staying busy?" as if busy is a proper highest value of society. "You have to stay busy... that is the key!"

Why would someone who is retired worry so much about staying busy?

Post-employment is actually proper leisure. If things were done correctly there is no worry of going broke from the last day of employment until death. That is a pretty fucking good block of leisure. Why are all these bozos ruining it with busyness and stupid cliches?

I search and I search Fred (Nietzsche) for knowledge. While Eternal Recurrence is supposed to treat "nihilism" it does very little for me besides instill an idea. As I seek further I find this:

"No, life has not disappointed me… ever since the day when the great liberator came to me: the idea that life could be an experiment for the seeker for knowledge…." (Gay Science 324)

I am going through a rough experiment at the moment but the shame is not too great to make a good cut through the belly enough to kill me and so I overcome (myself/resistance).

Another thing from reading Han:

I don't know if my character is in danger (it very well could be) but certainly a stable self-image is at risk for me.

Somewhat related:

I let my hair down today and had a very good hair day. It certainly pleased my vanity. I caught myself looking in mirrors and car windows more often than I normally would by a lot. I actually left the house to eat dinner and drink local sodas with some people at a winery for once. I was complimented on my hair and fashion. It was re-assuring that I was with Others and ok. It would be absurd to create identities or be some sort of shape shifter around actual Others in real life and there was not really any explicit head nod that my authenticity and spirit were acceptable but everything was just ok. This is what contributes to a stable self-image and character not blogging pseudonymously but I just need to get some things down on paper at this point. It is worthy to note that being ok with Others is actually much more important than forming my identity around my hair and fashion even though the ladder was explicitly noted while my authenticity, spirit, and enjoyable company will mostly stay implicit.

In all fairness chances are that anyone that went there would've gotten burnt up, he mostly gave meaning to suffering and some 'major' goals but don't know how to feel about his personal thoughts considering he had a chance to flee the country with his wife, but instead preferred to stay with his elderly parents resulting in all of them dying and him living... and he knew very well what happens to jews at that point too, it's extremely hard not to judge him on that. Whole notion of mind over matter is really strong though

here's the book

Thank you