Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody out there?

thats great rikd keep up the good work, you gonna make it. u on ur way to a good life

Did you know that I have used LP to procrastinate since 2005?

I fucking hate cleaning and love cleaning at the same time. FML.

no

It's all a big nothing.

LP is like McDonalds. It is even the same color as McDonalds. I want some Italian food. Grandmother's red sauce. Homemade raviolis. Fresh bread and olive oil.

I mostly have something to get out and when I get it out perhaps there is some relief there for some period of time but then it feels like I need to get out at least as much as the last time and the low feels worse than it would have felt if I didn't reach some form of transcendence. I am addicted to the transcendence of expression and it is just hard for me to get things right and manageable. People can bring me up but they can also cause stress. Life is a lot simpler playing the blues to ghosts. Life is a lot simpler asleep. I forge my way through only to get sick and/or die. It does not seem that likely to happen tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow's tomorrow or most likely at a later date. There are no cemeteries to walk through here. I work so I can survive and buy music equipment so I can escape work. Survival is for ants. I want the Good Life. Les enfANTS de la Tierre. I am in part Kurt Cobain that has survived so far but we won't survive. Obsessed with survival yet we won't survive. Is there a time to walk off stage gracefully never to return again?

I like your thoughts a lot RiKD, they are deep and true and human. Agony, insecurity, meaninglessness. To show these is to unmask ourselves.

if you don't occupy your brain you turn insane and or commit suicide. We gotta work we gotta play, we gotta experience suffering in all realms. But what for? to live 1 day longer?

some people give you comfort. some religion give you comfort. Maybe your own brain can give you comfort. I envy and pity the people who say they have found meaning. Grasping onto illusions. Who knows whos right.

Who am I to shit on someone's "Meaning" parade?

The universe doesn't give a shit but people on this planet might. But, I honestly don't know if there is a God, a simulation, fairies, who knows? The universe might care.

Someone might say selling cars is their "Meaning." Someone might say selling electric vehicles is their "Meaning." Someone might say selling free hugs is their "Meaning."

Then, there are the people that say their art is their "Meaning." It will last for an eternity except for the fact that it won't.

Kids as "Meaning" is a big one too. This idea of prolonging the lineage. That will surely end as well.

Let's say I greet 100 people who smile and say hi to me. I don't think that is "Meaning" but psychologically it is doing some good for me. Practicing chord progressions on the guitar is not "Meaning" for me but it is something to do. It helps my emotions to put them into the guitar form. Let the guitar sing my woes or my joy or my ennui. I feel like the guitar is better expression for me than a MIDI controller and GarageBand and also live if I was ever to perform but I gave my drum set to my sister and it is kind of fun to create in that medium also. I really need a new computer and Ableton Live if I am going to have a fair crack at making music on my computer but it's all in good time.

Anyone mess around with GarageBand or Abelton Live on here? What are your experiences?

I just got a MIDI controller and a Steinberg U12 Audio Interface device. I figured out the MIDI controller for the most part but am waiting on my mic to get here before setting up the U12. I have no idea what it does besides that it allegedly sounds nicer. I think I can also hook my electric guitar directly into the U12 and a sequencer (production) program will recognize it. My Macbook Pro's mic is total dog shit which is why I got the U12 and MXL 990 Mic. The MIDI controller came with a pretty sick selection of synths and drums. Easily producing music with it in a production (sequencer) program is a bit of a different story. I'm hoping when I shell out some dough for the appropriate Ableton Live version it won't feel like I'm fighting against computer programs. When this happens I just turn to my guitar and toca to my heart's content.

I was listening to NIN The Downward Spiral today and I think that is the best synthesizer album of all time. So, that pumped me up a bit to work with the synths and the drums. It is amazing Trent Reznor made that album in 1994. I would love to see how he made it. A Moog synthesizer costs like $7,000 though.

I was talking to this guy today about euphoria. Drinking and substances and euphoria. I miss that euphoria honestly but I don't miss the flip side which would be a deep depression or misery. The euphoria is always fleeting where as the numbness or pain can be over large periods of time. I told him we could try new drugs and reach euphoria. I am sure if I did a good amount of cocaine I could get there or something not even including substances like getting on stage and killing. It's ok. Every human wants to feel good. I will never get that first night of drinking back.