Now that my honest motives are known

I want to listen to "Caruso" by Lucio Dalla. I don't know if I like that version or Pavarotti's version or Bocelli's version.

It's how I can spend some time. The most important asset that we all have. No one knows what tomorrow will bring so why worry? If tomorrow IS going to be that bad then the now is even that much more important. I am guessing we miss all the temperature goals and we are fucked. I do my best not to worry about that but rather to live my best life now. Which is a lot of contemplation. Some may say get out of the house contemplation is for nerds and losers. I do get outside. I like contemplation. There is no vida contemplativa without vida activa and no meaningful vida activa if that is even possible without vida contemplativa (Byung-Chul Han).

Pavarotti. Pavarotti is it. Pavarotti is beauty.

And the reason I like The Downward Spiral so much is because it validates my negative emotions. It's the same reason I like Cioran.

In the end, everyone I know goes away. So, let's make the most of it today.

Fuck,

I can't sleep. Sucks when that happens. I went through all my old paintings. I tried to get pizza happy. Now, I'm listening to Lana Del Rey to try and feel something.

I really wish I could paint. Some of my paintings are terrible. Mostly the ones that I was overly manic. I have come to the conclusion that Schopenhauer did that it is all about the arts and philosophy. I am unsure if I am on the same page as living an ascetic life. I mean I am definitely not on the same page at the moment but I am talking whether I am thinking that I should be an ascetic. I don't think I should be obsessed with desires or the material but within reason I think it is better than the ascetic life.

Lorde: "You've been drinking like the world's about to end (IT IS)" (Me in 2014)

Glory and gore go hand in hand.

I forgot one of my honest motives. To DENY DEATH. It's why I have my $100+ headphones turned all the way up listening to The Fragile by NIN. This whole project of meeting the atopic Other and falling in love and sharing intimacy, validation, ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS is in place to deny my death. I am nothing but a worm that ends up as worm food (Becker). Imagine sitting in a room staring death in the face every waking hour. I am probably depressed so I get at least 12 hours of sleep. I literally have a plastic skull on my bookshelf higher than everything: Higher than the Buddha statue. Death is hanging over our heads and who knows what is waiting for me when I sleep.

Trent Reznor used a lot of stringed instruments on The Fragile as stringed instruments are more fragile. It compliments the live show. Trent Reznor was making a story as the protagonist goes down the downward spiral on The Downward Spiral. He found himself in a self-fulfilling prophecy as he was in The Downward Spiral on The Fragile. On The Downward Spiral he was on the outside looking in and on The Fragile he found himself on the inside looking out. Thankfully he did not kill himself and is clean and sober from substances for today.

In typing that little biography up I didn't fear death and was not occupied by it. Even writing about death frees me from it for an instant or maybe more.

At the same time does anything even really matter?

I mean I know it does. I don't expect to just be happy all the time. A bit of suffering makes the good bits better but I should live my life in a way that is not terrible. There is science out there that can back up some things that are wise to do on a regular basis:

- Social connection
- Exercise
- Good sleep
- Meditation
- Gratitude

Making a certain amount of money in a year plays a role. It just has to. I really have no idea what those numbers are if inflation and location are accounted for and if someone has a cocaine and/or gambling habit.

Even just a designer clothes habit the money disappears pretty quick.

Gratitude is so cheesy to me. I'd rather lie in bed staring death in the face. It's too much. We deny who we truly are and we deny death. Need to read some Nietzsche to pump up. I am getting closer and closer to loving my fate. How many times can I ruin my life? That is what is scary.

If sex workers were legal where I live I'd be using those services. God knows I need it. I need it. I want it and I need it. It beats beating off. It beats trying to put together 6 photos of myself and dealing with all of THAT bullshit. She won't let me fall apart. I won't let her fall apart.

In The Void there is no 30'' monitor, no Monster Energy Drinks, no Time, no Swiss watches, no Monet, no luck, no consciousness, nada, Nothing.

Nothingness - poof blip skirzik AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - Nothingness

I have already lived and died many times or so I thought.

I went to hell and back or so I thought.

What's the difference if my mind told me it was true?

In a way my ruined states were not my fault. I have alcoholism. I have Bipolar 1. These things are motherfucking locomotives brother. This is why I am learning to love my fate. These little inconveniences or rather big fucking deals don't have to define me forever. I kind of hate the fact that I let Fear of God sweatpants define me in a way but at the same time they are dope sweatpants. In today's society I have to wear pants. The truth is that I have to acknowledge my shadow and dig deeper. dig deeper. dig deeper. So, I actually think my denial of death is a stronger motive than the atopic Other. Which means I don't have to use Hinge if I don't really want to. I am lonely though. That is also a fact. I've just gotta try. If I have a good spirit and a good soul and can live with myself that has got to be the basis. If life is tolerable. That is a start. I don't hate myself. I am learning to love my fate.

lol it doesn't matter what isaac newton said when somebody hit him with an apple or what schopenhauer said back in the day. it doesn't matter that loco bought a ps5 to a working girl. chill

Of course it matters that Newton developed calculus and physics. Schopenhauer matters to me and many others. Loco matters because he did something I would like to do. That includes buying a girlfriend a PS5. There are other reasons that Loco matters. I was just defining one in the context of your post.

I'm only responding because I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do until I can get some sleep. I have to stop responding to drunk nazi trolls. Are you really a nazi or is that part of the troll?

im just saying you are thinking way too much about senseless world and existence. life is about going to work, playing vidya after and drinking whenever it's possible. you can skip the work part if you live in a welfare state.

My goodness dude. My goodness. And especially directed towards me who hasn't drank in 8 years for very good reasons. Vidya is hot and cold for me. It's certainly not a substitute for true spirit and soul. Work is work. I do it to survive because unfortunately that's what it takes for me. It has its bright spots and it has its low spots. Sometimes it feels like I am just locked in there opening boxes. Surveillance cameras baring down. It's not a fun experience by any means. I think it makes it better if I am honest about it. It's not fun. There is no reason to be pumped up or happy. Realize it is a shitty experience and do the best with that.

I do not know if I am a philosopher or not. I'm certainly not a professional. But I can philosophize. I can contemplate. Byung-Chul Han says the philosopher thinks about thinking. Again, I do not know if I am a philosopher but I do like to think about thinking, think about the good life, think about a lot of things. Just because you are a drunk, idiotic nazi does mean you will probably attack anything approaching intellectual. I get that. And you have your vidya and drinking whenever it's possible so great if that's working for you. Some bar to set. But NEET life is hard and I get that too.

When was the last time you travelled abroad? You might need a vacation.

why you mad? how has your life changed for better since reading bau hau-hau or whoever? there are pleasures in life and it's okay to enjoy them. but there is not gonna be some socialist revolution nor are you gonna figure out a way to true happiness by reading some nonsense by some incel idiot philosophers. It's all a big nothing. Get your pleasures where you can.

Also I think you have a negative attitude. Like I said in your previous post, you should be proud to be able to contribute to the great american economy.

On March 17 2023 07:20 PuertoRican wrote: When was the last time you travelled abroad? You might need a vacation.

August 2014. I was very happy in Paris. I was very depressed in kicking my drinking habit. Paris was like the fun park that they built for the rats in that experiment to see if they would overdose on cocaine if the rats had access to a marvelous fun park. I would live there if it were at all possible. That or the Italian coast/islands. You know I had a glimpse of that living in Malta. That was wonderful too. I had spent a ton of money and my bankroll was not all that healthy and I constantly thought about quitting and was virtually lost even though I was living in a beach castle on the Mediterranean. My remedy was to start playing killers heads-up. I got owned. Then I decided to go all-in on PLO and started crushing. Imagine being on a PLO heater in a beach castle on the Mediterranean. The parties were incredible. One of our friend's dad owned a small island with a popular beach. We would close down the island and have private parties. Parties at our place. Parties at other places. I would go on epic walks all the time. When the tourists came in is when it got interesting. Most of the locals were very religious and prude especially to outsiders. English and Swedish women are great. I think the only suspect part was that we were smoking hash like it was crack-cocaine. Like it was going out of style man. Gravity bong to the face all day long. We went to Amsterdam. I was in and out of some 5th dimension shit. It ended up not working out and everyone split their separate ways just when it was really getting good (for me). Long story short I think I would like to go to Japan, Italian Coast, or Paris but don't really have the means to do that. I probably should have setup a vacation to see my family in the Midwest in April but I didn't do that. Of course, everyone needs vacations but not everyone can afford them. You seem to kind of have your whole identity wrapped up into traveling abroad (and MMA). At least that is what shows on LP. Not hating. If I was a millionaire tomorrow I would definitely plan some trips asap.

On March 17 2023 22:58 CurbStomp2 wrote: why you mad? how has your life changed for better since reading bau hau-hau or whoever? there are pleasures in life and it's okay to enjoy them. but there is not gonna be some socialist revolution nor are you gonna figure out a way to true happiness by reading some nonsense by some incel idiot philosophers. It's all a big nothing. Get your pleasures where you can. Also I think you have a negative attitude. Like I said in your previous post, you should be proud to be able to contribute to the great american economy.

Whether or not I am mad there is nothing that can really be said to counter why you mad? So, touche there.

Byung-Chul Han is a gradual thing. I have read all (20ish books) of his books over 5+ years? To put it simply I have a better understanding of the world. Seneca would say that all pleasures are not created equal. Lasting pleasure is better than short term pleasure. So, an evening out on the patio with trusted friends is better than drugged up sex with August Ames.

It's pretty obvious there is not going to be a socialist revolution. It was Byung-Chul Han who busted that bubble for me. There is such a thing as happiness. This is true. It's just fleeting and somewhat difficult to pin down. I can tell you that times when I had good friends were a cut above. I've never had a solid relationship with a girlfriend so I can't really comment but if I had good friends and a good girlfriend I would probably be happier than I am today. The only incel is Nietzsche and I maybe barely brought him up in this blog thread. It's not all a big nothing. In the scheme of things existence is close to nothing but it's still a blip. A blip that feels like a really long time honestly (until it isn't). If you read more philosophy you would realize that "Get your pleasures where you can" is a really stupid philosophy.

What is your counterpoint to hedonic adaptation?

Drinking and video games are coping mechanisms. It might look ugly if you pulled the band-aid off and quit the both of them because then you are left with a void. Like I said NEET life is difficult. If there is one positive thing about work it takes up hours in the day that I don't have to fill and I get money so I can do more stuff when I'm not at work. NEET life is how do I fill up my days and oh shit I don't have any money like at all. I was just thinking back to Covid times and how many fucking Jimmy Dore videos I watched it's a travesty. I got to read some books and contemplate things but my God what a fucking debacle that all was.

We will make it through some how no? It's better than the alternative.

If it's not one thing than it's another thing. I was listening to Hurt by NIN and it's so true. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. It's like how do we remedy this? The human condition. Like, do I need to eat a pint of ice cream just to deal with the stress at work? It's better than blasting off on wine but I remember it all anyway. I can't forget. I play my guitar and sing for probably an hour or so today and go to the gym I still remember everything. Hedonic adaptation says we will always get back to a "normal." It's hard to get too high or too low. The "normal" is the brutal. I have to be sober and turn to YouTube videos. Sure, some are educational or have educational properties but I started scrolling shorts. Part of it was fascination in what people are watching on there. Strange shit. I don't know what this world is coming to. I am feeling older. I saw a short of this "pop-star" but she may as well have been a stripper. It was not discernable except when someone handed her a mic. These damn kids need to get off my lawn!

I think my happiest moments in life are generally with friends laughing somewhere. The amount of money didn't matter. The amount of stuff didn't matter. I do have experiences of having a lot and wishing that I felt something. I also have experiences of having nothing and a negative net worth but connecting with people and I felt like a million bucks. That piece is missing in my life and it's obvious. I was thinking it's hard to tap into the sub-conscious. I want to fuck all the ridiculously hot high school girls at the gym. That is a conscious thought and one that is pretty easy to come to although not easy to admit out loud in polite company. I don't really know what's in my sub-conscious. I still think the main 2 to know are that I am always trying to deny death and put that in my subconscious and I want to fuck and eat food. It's probably that simple. Of course, I want intimacy and connection but fucking (my hand) and eating are pretty easily accomplished. They are also 2 things that can get out of hand in the absence of something else. What is True? What is Real?

I'm just somewhat damaged. I had a great lift tonight and on the way home I am thinking I can't get pulled over because I don't want to go to jail and get raped and tortured. Or, that would happen if I killed congressmen that are voting for women getting abortions to be executed. So, yeah, I still get homicidal thoughts. I think about suicide a fair amount too. Although mostly in terms of I'm glad I didn't kill myself yet.

The way out is through. The way out is being pro-active.

On March 18 2023 02:51 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On March 17 2023 07:20 PuertoRican wrote: When was the last time you travelled abroad? You might need a vacation. You seem to kind of have your whole identity wrapped up into traveling abroad (and MMA). At least that is what shows on LP. Not hating. If I was a millionaire tomorrow I would definitely plan some trips asap.

Life is all about experiences and creating good memories along the way. Part of the reason I became a school teacher is so I could have the ability to travel a lot, which is what I love doing.

My life might be boring for some, while others wish they had my life. I work 5 days a week and go to the gym and watch UFC. I take a one hour flight to Las Vegas when I see there's a certain amount of money to be made. I travel abroad at least 2 times per year. To some, I just seem like a guy who works and watches a lot of sports. To others, I seem like a guy who works, is a winning UFC bettor, and travel a lot (whether it's to Las Vegas or abroad -- most people leave their home state one time per year or less).

In 2022, I traveled to Italy for 3 weeks, Belarus for 4 weeks, and the Philippines for 1 week. In 2023, I will be in Belarus for 4 weeks, and possibly Lebanon for a couple of weeks (depends on where my girlfriend and I decided to go).

Here in California, I don't go to clubs or go to bars, I just focus on work, gym, and UFC. I do all of the "fun stuff" when I travel.

On March 19 2023 21:09 PuertoRican wrote: Show nested quote + On March 18 2023 02:51 RiKD wrote:   On March 17 2023 07:20 PuertoRican wrote: When was the last time you travelled abroad? You might need a vacation. You seem to kind of have your whole identity wrapped up into traveling abroad (and MMA). At least that is what shows on LP. Not hating. If I was a millionaire tomorrow I would definitely plan some trips asap. Life is all about experiences and creating good memories along the way. Part of the reason I became a school teacher is so I could have the ability to travel a lot, which is what I love doing. My life might be boring for some, while others wish they had my life. I work 5 days a week and go to the gym and watch UFC. I take a one hour flight to Las Vegas when I see there's a certain amount of money to be made. I travel abroad at least 2 times per year. To some, I just seem like a guy who works and watches a lot of sports. To others, I seem like a guy who works, is a winning UFC bettor, and travel a lot (whether it's to Las Vegas or abroad -- most people leave their home state one time per year or less). In 2022, I traveled to Italy for 3 weeks, Belarus for 4 weeks, and the Philippines for 1 week. In 2023, I will be in Belarus for 4 weeks, and possibly Lebanon for a couple of weeks (depends on where my girlfriend and I decided to go). Here in California, I don't go to clubs or go to bars, I just focus on work, gym, and UFC. I do all of the "fun stuff" when I travel.

"Life is all about experiences and creating good memories along the way." That does cover a lot but do you think life should be an experience machine? Would you jump into machine that only gives you experience after experience? Would you ride the Avatar ride at Disney but on steroids and for eternity?

Jimmy Hendrix might say life is all about the guitar and LSD. I don't know if he would say that. I am actually interested what he would say.

Going to the Italian Coast with your girlfriend would rank highly in my things to do list and probably a lot of peoples'. And by "your girlfriend" I mean my idealized girlfriend not literally your girlfriend HA! I would have to get to know your girlfriend first HA HA!

All in all, not a bad way to go about things PuertoRican. I would probably still go to clubs and bars if I drank but rarely find myself in one of those establishments today. Keep on Livin'. I salute you. Iubentium ad bonum vitae.

Purpose, identity, and authenticity are big words. I have to find a purpose or not I suppose. That's what THEY tell me. Who is THEY?

I have to find a purpose or not I suppose.

What is identity?

Everyone is always searching for authenticity. I don't think it can be gotten from the external. As Roderick says if I want to wear all black and go off to the beat poetry spots THEY'LL just start selling black t-shirts. What if my most authentic self is lying naked in my bed reading a novel?

Well, it probably is for that time but I don't want to do that all the damn day! And, then what novel am I reading and why? Did THEY tell me about the spine tingling novel I'm reading?

I eventually have to put on clothes. I gravitate towards the Fear of God sweatpants, the Issey Miyake t-shirt, and New Balance sneakers. Of course, I didn't know about these things when I was a baby or age 3. I've never met someone who even knows what Fear of God or Issey Miyake is. It was funny in high school we were all drones. At least the ones whose parents had money. Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch cargo pants, and Polo golf shirt from the outlet mall just outside of the city. I can remember that feeling of wanting to fuck everyone in the world. Probably, because I still get that feeling that I want to fuck everyone in the world.

PuertoRican is right though. I have to get myself to the Italian Coast or Japan or something.

Oh yeah, I started drawing again. Thanks to a friend continuing to give me the nudge. It's not painting but it's still pretty fun.

I went and saw some Rodin sculptures today too. First, time seeing them live outside of Paris. Meaning first time seeing a lot of them in a museum. I didn't go to the Rodin Museum in Paris but Paris is so gangster that they have Rodin sculptures scattered through out the city. They had some nice gardens there too. I love this time of year when the azaleas are in full vivid bloom.

I am 1 of 1. I don't have to try to be 1 of 1. I am 1 of 1. Nothing external will change that. I don't need anything to be authentic. It gets complicated because I am in this space with other people and I have to wear clothes. I really should engage in personal hygiene. It is wise to have hobbies and figuring out things to do. How many people have an active blog to a viewership of about 20 lurkers? HA! It gets more complicated when we start worrying about the advertisements and media and the lot of 'em try and tell us what will make us "cool," "well liked," "fuckable." The basis to that conundrum is to have a core of strong character and ethics. I think that is the play that truly wins. It allows me to be comfortable with myself and others. Even though as Trent Reznor says, "I will let you down, I will make you hurt." That is a scary feeling. A scary notion. It is true for probably everyone. Forgive me. I shit. I piss. I bleed.

On another tangent I was listening to the NIN live concert from after The Fragile but before With Teeth. All his fans love being called pigs. If you actually listen to the songs pig is a major pejorative and they just mindlessly cheer and cheer louder. A pig is a submissive little piggy that will eat shit and love it. Sorry, Mr. Reznor, kindly fuck off.

But, see this is what I am talking about. A whole crowd of humans cheering that they are submissive little piggies eating cum and rolling around in shit. THE HERD as Nietzsche would call it even though most NIN fans would probably think they are super edgy and authentic for listening to NIN. They are super edgy and different who obediently buy their NIN t-shirts and other merch manufactured by THEY TM. I don't identify as a pig but I do have a NIN shirt and NIN cds. "Shut up and buy" as Maynard says on "Hooker with a Penis."

It's really a mindfuck to get too caught up in our influences but I think we need to be vigilant in a way at staying away from the wrong influences. I am 1 of 1. That is something I can remember. I don't need any company to define me... but these Fear of God sweatpants are dope as fuck.... Issey Miyake is IT........ I am glad I can afford non-Goodwill clothing. I could of course go off and be a farmer in Thailand and wear thrift store clothes and build mud huts but I actually couldn't because I don't have the start-up money. Actually, I do have the start-up money I just don't want to risk it on that venture. No monastery will accept me because of my Bipolar 1. I don't have a lot of options and I think the options get smaller as I get older. I don't have to be in a witness protection program. I am not actually a witness whose life is in danger. I've just been living in my cocoon. I get validated at work. It would be nice to get validated outside of work. And, obviously, trust and intimacy only go so far at work too.

I don't really need Rodin museums. I need love.