Stimming

CPAP machine is the nuts, I've had a serious case of sleep apnea for 10+ years and nothing else I tried did shit. Getting a good night's sleep for months with a few exceptions now and the difference in productivity is insane

Everyone I have talked to swears by the CPAP. I don't know why I am so stubborn.

Give it a shot man! May be a game changer

Stimming is basically repetitive sensory input that soothes. This blog is a form of stimming for me. I also have other forms of stimming but nothing too crazy. I'm probably closer than a lot of people to being an autist but I'm not really an autist. I'm trying to become more one with my intrinsic virtuousities. What are my innate born talents and what should I be doing with my life?

One answer is meditation. I can sit and I can breathe. It's not always an easy thing to do but it is a natural thing to do.

Yeah, building the world and making a difference is all well and good but what is my spiritual condition looking like?

Maybe I want to keep things simple. Lie down and stare out the window for 30 min or at least have the leisure to do so if I please. In that sense, posting here is not that much of a waste of time. I reflect, I think, I linger. Not always. A surfer is going to tell you that catching the right wave is the key to life. A sexually active young woman may tell you the key to life is a good orgasm (I know one and she does). The philosopher is going to tell you that not only thinking is the key to life but thinking about thinking. Obviously, posting on this website is not the key to life. Sometimes it feels like it is slightly better than staring out the window for 30 min.

Something brought me here tonight. I am pulled along by fate. There is not much I can do. Go to a forest. Be one with the heavenly. With the innate.

I had a dream the other day that stuck with me. Myself and some others wanted to set up a place to hang out but then it got infiltrated by a bunch of partiers. A bunch of people from my highschool were there and it was really good seeing them but I didn't tell anyone that I was clean and sober. I didn't partake in any of the drinking and the drugs but there was this woman there. She looked like Meghan Fox. She looked into my eyes with her hypnotic gaze and handed me an ecstasy pill. I took it without thinking about it. Then I was like NOOOOOOOOOOO.... What if it has fentanyl in it? What have I done?!?! *Racing thoughts* but I also had this underlying feeling of freedom and an excitement that I would at least get to make out with the Meghan Fox archetype character and finally rave like I want to. Then I woke up. I woke up to just another day in the life. So, I am getting pulled to be an anonymous non-doing sage but a part of me wants to rave and in reality I am just scrolling purgatory to fill up the time and playing Diablo IV. I get a voice in my head telling me this is not the way to live but it's hard to break free. Diablo IV is just good enough to keep me coming back. Like any damn slot machine. I have not played tonight. I came home and went straight for my guitar as I haven't played in a couple of days. I'm playing a Metallica song that it's better to play it and come back to it. It just takes repetition and focus. But my life is not simple. All the shows people are telling me to watch. Movies. Video games. I'm glad the NBA Finals are over. That high went stale quick. I am getting pulled in all these directions and I just want to simplify my life more but bills and all the rest of it is always there. Like a fucking spectre. Multiple spectres hovering over me. I just can't seem to get free.

Give it a shot.

Nietzsche said to "Never trust a thought you had indoors." bc small spaces = small thinking and depression is identical to staying inside all day.

Ya'll ever wonder how people are doing in different parts of the world?

I have been listening to Middle Eastern music and now Brazilian music and I just wonder how they are doing?

When I am so self-centered I am of course wondering how I am doing?

I've got problems. We all do. I think. Maybe, some people don't have problems and I need to learn from them.

I played some Metallica for 2 weeks I am a little bit closer to Hoplites HA! I am always jumping around with what I want to do musically. Recently, I have had ideas to play the bass guitar. I want to jump back into Ableton but I am always dissatisfied with what I create there. I think I am just dissatisfied with a lot in life. It's because I have barely any friends and no girlfriend. I just sit in my room thinking about what I want to do: Diablo IV, Attack on Titan, Pro Wrestling. I am like a broken record. At least the music I am listening to is invigorating.

Nietszche is right though I need to get to the Alps to some expansive landscapes. My thinking is too confined here in my room.

Fuck it. I'll just go to sleep.

Annndddd it is happening again....

I am experiencing encroaching suicidal thoughts. This is something to talk about with my therapist. Don't worry I will. It's not really a compulsion to kill my self now it's more or a philosophical thing like how much more of this shit can I take. Guitar is whatever. I don't think I am particularly good at it. I know it takes patience but I don't think it is one of my intrinsic virtuosities. My teacher's last words were have fun with it and loosen up! I think I am doing the opposite. The guitar is not going to save me from killing myself. I played a few hours of D4 with my brother. That was fun but I think Diablo IV is wearing out a little bit or I am just depressed. I injured my shoulder I think sleeping on it wrong or something and haven't been to the gym. Does creatine improve mood and testosterone or does lifting or is it both?

So, I am still dissatisfied and I go downstairs to make some late night nachos. That actually made me slightly happier but not enough so I jerked off and didn't really enjoy that either. Porn is terrible. Most of it really is. I still managed to keep an erection and orgasm. That felt a bit better. So, I decide to listen to a new album of Arabic Love songs and show up back here. I always show up back here. I am not sure what I feel about this album yet (Jarak Qaribak) but I am back here, now. Being here and acknowledging that my life is shitty enough to think about killing myself.... I want it to spurn action but on some level I'm depressed and action is tough. I am going to need a lot of action to overcome my current position. And I just seem to not be able to muster it. It's just a shitty position to be in. I feel like I am underwater and can vaguely see this life that could be more fruitful and I can't do it but I can breathe underwater drifting for probably a long ass time. I am just a dopey ass, sad ass ape.

I thought I wanted to read a novel and take a nap. It's a great combination. But, I woke up wanting more. I always want more. Drinking some white tea and listening to The Smile brings some contentment. I still want more. My therapist says I need to find my center. Currently, that might be me sitting in this computer chair clacking away at my mechanical keyboard or in my bed reading a novel. It's supposed to be some place that I come back to that is strong and safe. I don't know. My center seems a bit fractured. I spend so much damn time at work. I come home and nothing seems to consistently work. Not that I expect to have everything work all the time. That is part of life. Shit doesn't always work. I am going to feel low and empty or I am going to feel full of anxiety. It's just a matter of letting the clouds pass over. Easier said than done. Easier said than done.