PRESENT DAY COMMENT: alot of introspection here, this one's from ages ago. I really wish I put in the years :D
| | But you know what I like more than materialistic things? Knowledge.
-Tai Lopez |
Near end - too tired, my "funny" persona came out, went unauthentic. Loved how I let go of myself, just watch and listen without judgement => increases connection, I puckup on things I otherwise wouldn't. Was still hard to do with A) emotional charge B) Pushed physically. Was cool to talk openly, still feel like something is off, she doesn't listen nearly as intently, I can tell she gets bored/thinks of a rebuttal/counter argument. Talks a lot, doesn't ask for feedback, every time I want to talk in deep terms etc. It's like talking at her, like I'm straling her time - she is in her own head, didn't ask me about my job, what I'm excited about etc...Z. seems to be right. Was I dating self centered women? With J. I got super intertwined, codependend, to an unhealthy level. Physically still B+ Attraction, love movement she makes with her body ane expresiveness, doesn't her active self when younger. With some women you feel great with them and around them, but feel worse about yourself, unappreciated with -ev on your life. Learn from relationships for the future, it can take years to get to that stage again.
I have feeling I need to explain myself with people, never felt acceptance. I do exactly thesame brain-inner monologue, always processing, trying to rebute with fun comments/questions, think about implications to me, strategy, what the person will think of me and my answers. I am self-centered, all I do think about what are people gonna think about me. My shadow side is that struggle, to be outward oriented, instead of discovering people I start to think how to make them react to ME, what implications for ME there are. I do attract like people B. very self-centered, challenges you instead of accepting your POV, thinks of impact on others, hwo she can change your mind togher views. You feel a constant need to put her down. I'd listen so people like me, so they feel good, in better cases, not for genuinely unraveling what they are and think.
I want to be there for people, for them to be there for me. Just take them as fascinating facts, someone who's POV, values etc, I want to discover, unravel without making them feel like they threaten me, I judge them etc.
How?
1) Sort your inward stuff - write, honesty, be centered.
2) Switch places, imagine you in their head, it's your aim to think like they do from their eyes. Try to see their motivations, values etc.
3) Find people you want to be more like, selfless, less self obesessed, not judging, like Z. You become who you are around.
I felt like tension dissolving when A. ignored my phone call. realised it'snot about ME, I really don't have to take everything as a reflection on myself, I can focus outward, on people, soaking in their behavior, try to feel it without constantly judging if it's a reflection on myself.
Remember death, mortality, this day matters. Imagine you will be gone. Exercise
1) pick a person, any
2) Pay 100% attention, only ask qiestions, mirror, observe body language. Do 1 per week, tell them you are doing this, write notes. End goal: be calming presence, getting lost in understanding people.
Fucking amazing experience to just switch off inner monologue, just observe people, it shifts focus from thinking about what I will say to
- body language
- feeling from within, what their expressions mean, observing hands.
e.g. Neck gets tense with high excitement, changes in normal expressions
=> observe normal state, FEEL the differences.
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Unfriended A - feels like a weight was lifted, not because of her, but because of me. It's like letting go of the obsessive, anxious, self-centered ME she constantly reminded me of. Even now my brain goes into overdrive, strategising about "what will she thinkwhen she sees, I hope se won't feel that I am trying X or assume I'm butthurt." Again tying it to ME, how I LOOK and how i cam make me LOOK better.
Instead - it's like cutting that rockat the end of the rope of my past hangups. FEEL IT! Act by your heart. I want to slowly open how to be open to the world, to have, gain the ability to step out of my self-centeredness, and truly FEEL people without always tying them to me, and their impact on me. Converse without inner monologue, start with a couple minutes with one person. End goal: ability to feel people withourt judgement, inner monologue indefinitely. Including lovers, family and enemies!
Hates when she told me to stopmaking excuses about the my parents on the way to B. It hurts when she shuts down when I do something hurtful and she shuts down. When I talked itdidn't feellike she listened, but see + think how it impacts her, get butthurt, offended, felt like I talked at her. I felt liek I can't be myself, vulnerable around her. I didn't wnat to be artound her when on my lows and in the shit, like B. next to the river. I always feltlike I needed to manipulate her into seeing me, sleep over, didn't make me feel respected, her controlling mother, father she can't talk to openly when things are bad or he's in his mood. I am controlling and self-centered, thats why we were together for so long, I Struggle to listen without monologue and impact on ME, I make jokes that make me seem funny, put down the other person. When she didn't text I thought about if she doesn't like ME, she disrespects ME. It was a struggle after I dropped all the other girls, started to have painful hit on ME. I'd get hooked on sex. I was overly concerned about what she'd think of ME, how she'd react, I was afraid to lose validation/her/reactions. I can't hold that against others, it'smy responsibility to have self-awareness, to want people not to need and use them, but look within, face yourself, be with people to be with them, be present instead of using them.
It's hard for me to shake my past habit of manipulating women. I often project my fantasy instead of taking situations as facts, react and be open to them. Was awful when I went through all that effort and she focused on a couple missing rafaellos, thinking about her own projection of getting a full box - felt like we never we never accepted each other, or our own selves, good and "bad" things especially. Always centered in our own heads, projecting, assuming. How can I face criticism from others when I am hiding from my own internal one? I was insecure about long text responses. Opening up about this with her felt great.I had a very long monologue about her being bad at listening, lol! Focus on what you can control, wonder outwardly at what people do, they are like the environment. It's amusing seeing how they feel, get butthurt etc. from triggered to amused by human nature. No situation has to be so stressful that you that attacks you on the inside, I felt pain and rage instead of being amused by what's happening - right cards not falling, player in dota feeding, girl not responding - life becomes a wonderous opportunity to explore and learn. KISS - Keep it Simple, Stupid.
If you're outward oriented all you do is try to understand, empathise with the other person. Yu don't get controlling or feel threatened if what they do or say goes against what you expect or believe in.
I get to, instead of I got to
I get to life life
I get to play poker
I get to exercise
I get to study
I get to stream
I get to have friends
I get to sleep early
I get to live healthy
I geto to have friends (Bash, Alex, Aaron)
Believe
Believe in the long run
Believe in your stratregy
Believe in constant movement
Believe in you are in control
Believe in the past you's hard work
Believe in your body
Believe in your mind
Believe in writing
Believe in the goodness of people around you
Believe in freewill, will and power to mold habits
Believe in calmness
Believe in keeping your body powerful by great habits
Believe in youi can do the right thing more and more
Believe in YOU can do GREAT, youir BEST given present situation
Believe in accepting people, as they are, in unraveling their values with excitement, even those far moved from yours
Believe in being kind to people, rewarding action
Believe in you can be with amazing people even when pushed to the edge instead of getting lost in video games, internet etc.
Believe in you can maintain morning routine
Believe in you can go to sleep early
Believe in you are good at your core
Believe in you can mold your core through re-witring your habits, through CONSISTENT WORK
Believe in you are COMPLETE
Believe in creating values from within, with input from others and culture but values hat are TRULY YOURS
Believe in people with different values can co-exist, learn from each other, respect each other, letting go of their selfish judgements.
Believe you can handle burnout, use people, give to them instead of hiding.
Believe you can do great even when tired, upset stomach or on a downswing.
Believe in mortality and death.
- This moment. This breath. This hand. This person. This session, this week, this tram ride. This is what TRULY matters.
Love yam go for a walk if it's too much - you did great!
Beats
Beats are like an investment. Fish have to win so poker lives. You are investing in poker, like marketing, when you lose.
Imagine it's just you and the tables, that are in in color. Everything else is black and white if you play focused. Your game, strategy, influenced by notes. Don't hold back, being able to play is a blessing, an opportunity.
One hand at a time, I make a better decision than past me.
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