OLLLLD One - 8 years old. These were my first two notebooks ever, it's from a time I played NL16-NL50
Played Svenskaspel - lots of swings with the swedes, easily agitated. So I opened lots of Stars tables when losing, I went to Tesco, bought this thing to think on paper (HOLY SHIT MY FIRST DIARY 8+ YEARS AGO) I like writing down my thoughts - will I read it back ever?
COMMENT: WELL I DID, 8 FUCKING YEARS LATER LOL
I broke intro a children's playground to workout on the swings etc. I couldn't do 3 pullups => FUCK
I spend way too much time online - youtube, facebook etc. When poker goes badly. Do I want freedom or a coach>? Agitation - Girls, Money. procrastinating makes me stressed - I do it because poker goes badly? How to win? 4 Table with focus, tank every decision, sizing progressions. My energy should be spent onpoker, sorting out my life, the there's space for chicks and PUA stuff (COMMENT: Yes, PUA Phase, one of you on LP coached me over skype  ). I start my sessions focused, when I lose a couple all ins I open youtube. "I just can't win" "I run so bad", I turned away and started autopiloting. Now I don't feel like playing and fear like it will happen again. I do find it relaxing to turn off everything and just grind - a sense of relieve, I do feel pressure when I do more than one thing, but my brain is addicted to multitasking.
I had a biggest winning day in a month today, felt like a lot of pain but I worked through it, feels more "real" last session had confidence to pull some great moves, realise my range, timebanked every decision on Svenska. Poker was FUN again.
I feel like I stand out above the rest with my lack ofjudgement, attachment, listening skills, curiosity and the ability to be present! I can honestly say that I am a great person, working on myself works.
I should not do more things at once. Even when doing the "bad thing" just focus on it! like dota, movies, youtube. And then focus on the productive things. It's fine to procrastinate, even on hobbies!
I felt a bit agitated with my family, trying to defend myself, my purpose, then I simply said "I am what I am" it felt great - I cna just be me, the best me and feel no need to defend myself. Just say to people I respect them, we both are here, with different values and that's okay. And if family wants to deal with their want for me to succeed in their world framework, there is nothing I can do about it. It's better to be yourself, polarize people, have love/hate than pretend to be something and have mediocre relationships with everyone.
Sugar knocks me out, really bad for me. I was tired, low focus, felt weird, on edge. I really need to cut sugar, replace with potatoes, veg etc.
Running, heater, be a psychopath![b]
I tried running, it felt relly hard at first - stiff body, pain in legs, but I got into it and was Fist pumping + excited near the end. Went for a nap after - counting down from 300, mind overload, I fell asleep after 20 ish. I ran well afterwards, 13BI day, watched a sauce video, doube2 coaching, commented on hands, convo with Midian. I even joked in chat,posted fun hands. Was excited at taking shots at 2/4 and NL50 - made me walk faster, look forward to playing. After a day like this I feel like I belong higher and deserve to play NL50.
I am checking cashier a lot - married to the $, fear of losing => lowered focus? Like I have a limiting belief in playing higher. I am concerned with Bankroll - went to new highs, I stopped focusing, like I feel I don't deserve it. I am attached to the values of money, afraid to lose it => [b]Started playing more NL16, procrastinating with ATH bankroll
COMMENT: This is what messed me up in BW, Poker, other things. Afraid to push when at the top
Self image is low financially? I need to raise my belief system, move up in my head, not self sabotage when I reach success. This is the most I have done in a year - I am attached and afraid to lose it, I stopped focusing ob best plays and building life around allowing me to make them. I became risk averse, but I have NOTHING TO LOSE! I can go back to $600 and make a living . . . Do sweats. coaching, NL50. It's all the same in poker as in life. when I get out of my head, stop obsessing about results, how someone is beating me, what limit I play, what bad beats I get - only then I can pay all my attention to the one thing that matters: PLAY THIS HAND AS WELL AS I CAN. All else is bullshit and chatter. Thinking about bankroll, run good, bad, youtube, people, anxiety - these are attention drains. Drains from the 1 MOST VITAL THING: THIS HAND IS ALL THAT MATTERS, and then the next,and the next. I learn fromsomany sources and only my mind can put them together. I need to give it space with time and thinking on paper. At the tables worry has no place. Not only it's ok to believe in yourself, when losing, it's a necessity to go from good to great! Be like a psychopath at the tables in the long run. Develop the ability to completely control fear responses when necessary. I am very far from psychopathy and not feeling emotions, I a, fearmotivated, used anxiety to perform all my life, in floorball, forced stress before deadlines at uni. I have been capable of surreal feats when pressed against the wall, not so much when gain is at stake. I stop trying when anxiety's low, my drive for positive rewards is not as strong in me (this is how my childhod/parents worked. So I feel anxiety on purpose, make myself feel it when I need motivation. Ike is a psychopath, emotionless does not get affected by swings. It all comes full circle, to be like them one must live in the present moment. Like Cat, like monks. There's no anxiety in the NOW. Focus on the details, breathe, be right now.
coaching
I felt uneasy when I get coaching for some reason - like I am stealing something from the crushe. I guess I feel uneasy when I disagree wity the coach. The feeling I get before sweats and asking for them from crushers is the same before I go to a girl, when I just buck up and do it I feel good. How I feel and think is not as important, I can observe it but what matter is taking action consistent with my values. What I feel bad I should just take action anyways, that's the best remedy. I felt great on a night out, was authentic, sometimes a jackass, but that's me - talked to girls, act of courage, I do it automatically. Used to feel guilt before, now I just had a great time - was polarizing with people for sure, they loved or hated it and that's cool.
This Week: Stars 25hrs/week, Svenskaspel 10Hrs/Week. 5x gym, posted hands, studies.
"Best self" fallacy
When I feel shitty, I'd always compare to my BEST state. And then feel even worse and not take action/wait until I "feel good". When I accept: "Okay, I feel shitty" and shout it out I get a smile on my face. Felt how I felt, started fist pumping, yelling it out, there's nothing wrong with it, I am always here, this is how I am and only important thing is taking action. I can feel shitty, identify it, accept it, take action! Corey: Be yourself, go after what you want. Take action, that is in line with your values. If people don't support you, limit the time you spend with them.
Booze and pron Alcohol WORSENS your state. I feel great,open when sober when I go to people sober, alcohol takes that away. If I want to improve as a person, I have to stop drinking. I am awesome, I work on myself, drinking alcohol makes me less authentic. I don't have to tell anyone I am quitting - it's not a challenge, but how I feel. I show people myself through ACTION. Same with quitting porn - it's no challenge that I quit, just don't do it, no result in mind, because it's in line with your values.
=> I went to expat party sober. At first I was nervous, in my own head, then I went to a lot of people, had fun, played games and got over the anxiety. I need more practice to be genuine and authentic and not hide behind my comedy persona. Be genuinely interested in people. Sober. I went to a concert alone, sober, at first mind was moving, then started counting from 300, immersed myself in music , towards the end I was relaxed, present - get these experiences more often!
No porn is awesome, I feel a lot more attracted to girls, better overall, exercise more. I felt amazing and unstoppable when going to gym, nofap, no alcohol for 2 weeks. Rope climbing - I felt a strong sense of fear, my body wanted to lock up I just started to focus on performance, told myself how I am going to own it - fear and excitement run real close, all I have to do is shift my belief rowards excitement and I can do petty much anything new and become comfortable in all situations. No matter how new they are.
Relationships
People are not honest to themselves. It's hard to cut through the bullshit of self-preservation, patterns created by society, upbringing and the ego. If you aren't honest with self, you can't be honest with others. The best policy is to be our own true self, even if we know it might drive others away, and it should the raw me outward, keep relentlessly being yourself, while working on improving yourself. Be at peace with people that are not compatible. In a healthy relahionship one nust express honestly and constantly what they feel like, what they want, be it positive or negative. If all people were honest and genuine, eb be okay withlosing others instead of modifying and filtering themselves, only people that are truly great for each other would form long term relationships.
It's important to keep giving even when things are bad, and not take things for granted when they are good.
AlWAYS KEEP COURTING, Why treat a LONG TERM PARTNER any different than NEW DATES! She matters more , puts in more effort, it's important. Especially when things are not necessary to gain her love. Hunter mentality - I have to do A to get B, If I get A anyways I don't need to do B anymore, start taking B for granted. Relationships stop being exciting, one orboth stop trying. "Men cheat becauseof the 10% they don't get from their partner, even when they get 90% of what they do want". If one wants to cheat, it's better to talkabout it, do the the hard thing now for the long run. When Oli told her friends and they didn't listen (to verca about breakup) it was hard to tell them later. If one faces fear right away, the better it is. The longer one holds back feelings or talking uncomfortable stuff, the harder it is to express it. This goes to I love yous, positive things etc. the brain wants to keep homeostasis. It's really cool to just put myself out there exactly how I feel without expecting anything in return. It gives you freedom, there is no anxiety, and it people do give back it's a bonus. This makes it' "okay to be nice" not being afraid that niceness won't get reciprocated. You don't give a fuckwhat you get in return. Being in a long term remationship doesn't mean you need to drop what you love, quite the opposite. It's important to be therefor the big things, death in family etc. not talking about it = lackof trust builds, communication is important.
Aceptance and Commitment Therapy.
PRESENCE and present practice. You react to what your opponents actually do, not how you visualise them to actually play. CAT is so present, always scanning her surroundings, being in the mment - be like cat.
BORING exercise - defusion poker play.
1) Do difficult, boring or painful exercise e.g. moving up.
2) Watch for thoughts that are intruding on your engagement with the work. E.g. this cunt got lucky, What if I lose
3) Defuse
- sing, breathe, be aware of feeling, drink water mindfully etc.
It's like your normal thoughts with a supervisor.
4) Repeat: It's ok, I am willing to feel this. Imagine that you created the present sensation on purpose, even the difficult sensatuions.
Do specific days - body attention day, perspective day etc.
You have wasted a lot of your time on Dota,porn, youtube, shows
- expanse, 30 rock, the Office, modern family, married with children, two and a half men, one punch man, mob psycho, game of thrones, sabrina - new one, friends, inbetweeners, office UK, The Orville, TNG, Start trek Discovery, H3H3 vids, harry potter movies, pewdiediepie, one punch man theories, star wars, mob psycho theories, honest trailers, American Debates, Andrew Yangm trump rallies, Mark Dice, DBZ Theories, WW2 vids, cat videos, cryptocurrency - Tone Vays, AdmiralBulldog, Dota replays, Game of thrones theories, Unbox therapy, Colbert, Jananas, Starcraft vids, gilm theories, Corey wayne, Fox News + CNN, watch Mojo, brooklyn 99, zrebny+frlajs, conan clips, barbara 4U2C, Key and Peele, Marle, Mike postle drama, Joeingram, Loquipedia, vypsana fixa, high stakes poker,prime video movies, negreanu vlog.
Seinfeld - I watched all seasons, it was relaxing. Not as re-watcheable as the Office. What I recall:
George acts his opposite, gets a job at yankees. Kramer strong shower disposal. Susan went lesbian. Soup Nazi. Elaine short hair. JOe from family guy face paint. Kramer giddyup. jerry Caddilac for parents, got impeached and had to move. Larry david Frank's Lawyer. Elaine margin sheen => Destined to settle. Kramer brings air conditioning, falls on a dog. Kramer stays at jerry's apartment, has parties, rides bike ect. Jerry comes he freaks because a cup is not on a coaster. Jerry dates a girl that got gonnorhea from a tractor. Jerry dates a chick from sex and the city.
Audiobooks I listened to: Laws of human nature, Sapiens, Liberated mind, Power of Habit, Atomic Habits, Talking to Strangers, Ziglar - motivation x200, Paul Mckenna, Expanse: cibola burn, She comes first, Stories for cynics, Peak Poker Performance,
PRESENT DAY COMMENT: damn, it's actually cool recapping the shit I watch mindlessly like seinfeld! It's hard to avoid moderndistractions, might as well try to do more productive ones, write down what you watched
Poker is NOT a sport
- You do have time to act and defuse, unlike as a goalie.
It was amazing to non judmenetally watch people, mirror theor body language and imagine how it feels to be in their POV. I want you tohave moremindful basketball sessions.
I went to a random gig, it had free beer, bday partyl IPA, non filtr, bernard, with a punk band playing. I let go, meditated and partied like a madman! The band was in the audience, "Shrewd Auntie" awesome dance/rock. "The Gripes" were there too, I was high fiving people in the mosh pit. I then wenthome, while thinking how to make my life better.
Past
When thinking back at my life, how so much of what I do was to anchor to something external to give me self-worth and to avoid emotions. So much hidingin girls, games,food,shows,hockey cards, ziglar, exercise w. tereza, dota, corey wayne etc. Needing external thingsto define me. Well, just go towards it, accept who you are. Evolve, like goku's ultra instinct, your energy goes up and down and starts reintergating into you .
When Playing Zoom/cash
go with your instinct, focus on what is now, trust your gut, this amazing resilience guides your life, things happen for a reason, go with it, but do not deny your gut, be FOR things, you are amazing when you go with the flow.
Today after morning session I wrnt to BBALL field to shoot hoops. Meditation on the way, hand focus firts, then start feeling present. Mindful basketball is awesome. I respond really well to my surrundings when present, it's an insane state when I do it right. Milta told me about junkies, doing heroin in the basketball parl, wagging his feet, then starts knocking on trees. I actually went for a run at midnight - I didn't think, just went. I became a junkie for seeing new places, I saw indonesian embassy, pregnancy clinic etc. Remembered playing bball with pete, and went for a long spring just because. I am excited to start the day (Comment: I guess I did springs every morning at this point damn)
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