"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Samuel Johnson
A beast with f body dysmorophia. I've been watching IFBB pros train on YouTube. They all have body dysmorphia. They all wear "pump covers" to hide their muscles until they feel they are pumped up enough.
How much is enough? I don't feel the need to get that jacked or that lean. I would like to make gains in the gym, however.
Time is winding down. Time is passing by. What will you do with your time and attention?
I will continue to grind in the gym. I am thinking about 51... 65... 76.
I wish I didn't have to be so clean and sober all the time but between my alcoholism and bipolar it's really fucking stupid to drink or do drugs. I get better gains in the gym though and I am definitely more clear headed. Not clearheaded enough to not post a bunch of bullshit on a website with barely any traffic but it's better than being bombed and that whole cycle. I didn't even post any marijuana pictures or breasts.
Just got done with a back workout. I'm going to have to switch up the lat pulldowns. My grip is the limiting factor when I use a neutral grip with out straps. I'll probably just switch it do an overhand grip on a straight bar with my hands about shoulder width apart. My back feels great actually. I had some lower back pain still left over from my leg workout but it's gone now. It's probably due to full range of motion, deep stretch, even a pause on the deep stretch and pulse it powerfully on the concentric. I did flexion rows for the first time too. They felt great but the machine runs out of range of motion for me so I have to figure that one out. Not too terribly bad but I could probably get an extra bit of stretch if I wore platform boots. I'm actually training my biceps now with direct work so we'll see how that goes.
I don't even have Netflix. My dates are rice and beans and then there is nothing else to do so we fuck. Maybe we play a board game or strip poker first.
Single moms but I don't want to deal with the kids so that's out. Cougars but they probably like guys younger than me so that is out. Fat girls. Fat girls is all that is left for me. I was down for that when I myself was obese and 260 lbs. but now I'm taking care of my health I don't want to splash out for some McDonalds.
I'm toying with doing a shot of evoo first thing in the morning and before bed at night. Just trying to slowly but surely get healthier and this seems like a small thing I can do every day.
If I get all my fat from evoo and dark chocolate that is a huge win.
Carbs are easy for me. Protein is not easy. Not enough protein could be holding me back. If I'm on my best behavior I get in 4 meals of 40g of protein which is 160g of protein in a day. .8 x 210 lbs. = 168g of protein per .8 lb of bodyweight. No bueno.
Ok. I'm back sliding.
Pussy, Money, Weed by Tommy Cash
Pussy, Money, Weed... A recipe not the recipe. I don't even know what the recipe is at this point. Do a shot of evoo, eat a great breakfast, hit the weights hard, eat some more food, chillin' in the crib, make sleep a priority, make health a priority. I'm still broke. I'm still lonely.
I don't have any money for weed or women. Just have to keep grindin' a day at a time. It sucks but that's what it is. Might be the whole rest of my life but have to make it work or kill myself. Like I've said, like Nietzsche said, killing myself is a comforting thought in the dark nights. I don't think it has to come to that yet but really making all these posts on liquidpoker is kind of depressing. This is what I choose to do with my time and attention here on Earth? It's major copium. Where does the hope come from? Gym THOTs? No, not really. The gym was full of them today and I didn't give a shit. It's not sustainable. What is sustainable? I don't know it's out there somewhere. You never know where inspiration will come from next.
I just need to get this out of my system. I know weed is not a good higher power. Especially not mixing it with my medications or my bipolar. Sad but true.
Pussy is not a good higher power either. Maybe one day my income vs expenses will be such that I can go on dates. I still have problems driving though. It all just seems insurmountable. Tomorrow is another day. I have to figure out what realistic expectations are for my life. Unrealistic expectations lead to resentments which lead to dark places. I'm hangin' in there LP despite all of it.
I'm kind of crossing my fingers that it doesn't spike my dopamine but I've been pretty bored lately. I'm reading a book I don't particularly like (Excession by Iain Banks). I'm posting too many random blogs / posts on here. I scrolled Reddit for a little while today which I was pretty good about never going there. The only good things in my life are sleep, exercise, and diet. Luckily, those are 3 important facets of life and things I should be prioritizing over just about anything.
Shoulder workouts are short but brutal. Crazy pump. It's gone now. Story of life. I think I'll keep this workout in the rotation for at least one more time. As a noobie I don't think it's wise to vary the workouts too much. Like constantly changing stuff is a noob move but it doesn't work for noobs. Just gotta stay on progressive overload and get after it. Win small battles over weeks is where the gains come from.
They say nothing is quite like a good leg day. They could be right.
I stopped doing reverse hypers because I read some where they are not actually good for you. They feel great. Fooled me I guess. I don't know who is right but there are so many other exercises I can do that it's not worth it imo. I am lifting for 51, 65, 77.
Just chillin' in the crib and feel like reflecting on the lift tonight. Today was a busy day, the diet was not great. I still think I can hit my macros with a 5th meal. Lifting at night is never ideal for me either but you gotta get the lift in somewhere. The actual lift was good. Beat some PRs with great form. The pump was phenomenal which I don't always get with chest and triceps. That's what it's all about, baby. There were so many young women of reproductive age in there tonight it was silly. I was at a higher place with all of that tonight. Many could be my daughters. I should treat them as such. Like I would treat a niece. Probably because I was all dad'd out. I had my "pump cover" on in this case an oversized t-shirt, dad shorts, dad socks, shoes I just grabbed that I usually only use for walking on the beach or cutting the grass. I had some stint of anxiety that the shoes smelled bad but once I'm there it's a little late for that. No one ran away. In fact, for my last sets of overhead tricep extensions I was completely surrounded by attractive women. 2 on the horizontal row, 1 on the other horizontal row, 2 on the lat pulldown, and me. I actually didn't pay any attention to anything but my sets and it felt good. For all the talk I talk on here I am mostly filled with anxiety and I don't know what to do about it. After leaving no reps in reserve for 7 sets my fight or flight should have been pooped out but this absolutely gorgeous woman was doing hip abductors right next to the pec fly machine where I was doing my sets. We both finished a set and sat there pretty close to each other. There was no one else in that part of the gym. My anxiety went crazy I had to get up and get some water. Of course, that anxiety then fueled 2 more perfect sets of the pec fly machine but it just goes to show I am a huge pussy who would probably tremble to touch a woman these days.
Loco in another thread or in a lot of threads talks about community. It inspired me to look at the gym in a different way. These women aren't THOTs. They are my sisters, my daughters, my nieces, my friends. There are also a lot of male kids in there that annoy the hell out of me but perhaps I can guide them or at least lead by example. The gym can be a very individualistic endeavour. Everyone is in their headphones doing their own thing but there are gym guidelines which are fair and reasonable. We can abide by them and go above and beyond. If something like a gym community can thrive it brings hope that any community can thrive.
With all of that said, there was one woman in there who was exceptionally attractive. Face symmetry and hips to waist ratio were magical. A result of some sort of sorcery. She was almost taller than me; a true amazon. When I walked past her in the hall I was fine. Kept my gait, no anxiety.
Caffeine could be part of it. I didn't drink caffeine for a few days to break the cycle of tolerance (addiction). I drink Celsius which is 200mg a pop which isn't much if one is addicted to caffeine but resetting tolerance whoooo I'm flying.
It's frustrating to have a libido and not be able to use it. What is the use of erection health if one is broke and living with one's parents? It's going to be that way for a damn while too.
I don't want to be an undead slave. I am an undead slave!
I don't think this is something I can write myself out of. In fact, it only keeps me down. Perhaps I can think my way out of it to a point but it's pretty simple. Get over a fear of death and live more intensely. Easier said than done.
What happend to painting for hours, going to Waffle House, and watching the sunrise on the beach?
Even that loses its luster after a while and I was manic which I should not romanticize.
How do I overcome my fear of death and become a master?
How do I get a willingness to fight to the death? To fight to my last breath?
I cower in coziness. I cower in coziness.
How many times can I sit in this chair and listen to Radiohead in this confined space?
I get a hint of life out in the open spaces. Seeing the azalias bloom. The sky seemingly boundless.
Phew, got through another one. Really good back workout. I'm surprised I had anything left after yesterdays heroic session. Back is so pumped you could see it through the pump covers....
I sit here in this comfy chair, in my most comfortable sweatshirt, and I'm oh so comfy yet I am full of fear. I'm not exactly a shaking animal at the moment but underlying it's fear. I cower in the coziness but cozy and anxiety don't go together. I'm bombarded by information. I'm sick of information. Most of this blog post is useless information. I'm sorry for that. I'm reallly only here to avoid information. I'm looking for knowledge. Knowledge takes time and attention. Knowledge typically comes in the form of books and experience. I guess I'll read a book...
This idea of imagination and consumption is interesting. We imagine our lives will be someway and then consume and then ... If I could just get my hands on that magical Issey Miyake then women will be seduced and sleep with me.
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United States. Mar 13 2025 02:12. Posts 9196
