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the worst beat i've ever taken |
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failsafe United States. Sep 14 2008 22:37. Posts 1040 | | |
I'm at Quizno's. I've just received my sandwich, and I'm walking outside to grab a table. I hadn't noticed when I came in, but as I step out the door I see that the tables outside don't have chairs - not to mention that it's ridiculously humid. So I walk back inside with my sandwich in my left hand and pull out the chair with my right. As I sit down in the chair it instantly gives way and attempts to throw me unceremoniously to the floor. I instantly throw my right hand down in order to save myself from being sandwiched lol!!! by my sandwich. My acrobatic display rescues both myself and the sandwich, and I'm looking down staring at the chair when suddenly my hand erupts into the strangest pain ever.
As I'm rotating my hand to look at it, I'm replaying the memory of catching myself. I remember feeling the cool ceramic tile on the tips of my fingers, but the sensation in my palm is something different. That's when I remember that I just had carpal tunnel surgery, and there's a massive slit it my hand (masturbation joke or something), but no really there's a two inch long incision down my palm, and I'm turning my hand over just waiting to see it torn open and blood gushing. Anyway when I finish turning my hand toward my face, I see that it is not in fact torn open or gushing blood, but the stitches have torqued the skin in a pretty sick way.
The manager is asking me "are you ok?" and I'm replying with "yeah, but I just had surgery on my hand." All the while the pain in my hand is getting worse and worse. After a couple seconds I start to wonder when it's going to chill out, but it continues to get worse. So I'm sitting staring at my sandwich staring at my two friends who are at a total loss of words as they realize what happened. The Quizno's manager is giving me this vacant stare that says he's not processing how hand surgery and catching my entire upper body weight on the incision could possibly be problematic.
I'm of course not at all hungry, and am just staring at my sandwich, which - I notice - is oozing with way too much mayonnaise [wtf weird word (WWW, anyone find that suspicious?)] and it's been sloppily constructed. Meanwhile I'm staring at the palm of my hand. It hasn't suffered any obvious damage, so I'm just expectantly staring, waiting for the numbing pain to subside. So, anyway, the bad beat.
I'm sitting here staring at my hand when the door opens and a cute blond girl steps in, smiling at me. I guess she's mistaken my charming "FML" grimace for a charming grin, but anyway our eyes meet and then she orders her sandwich, still staring at me. I don't know what it is with girls and perfectly timed "smiles" but once that moment occurs they're determined to meet you, even if after that moment you're acting like a lobotomy patient staring at your hand and wondering when the ridiculously exaggerated pain is going to subside.
I take a bite of my sandwich, holding it in my clumsy left hand. Lettuce and tomatoes fall out, and I curse Quizno's for their poor craftsmanship. Somehow the sandwich manages to taste disgusting, so I give it up as a bad venture and walk over to the cashier. For insurance, I decide to file a complaint with the manager in case their broken chair perma-fucked my nerve. At least if my hand is going to be permanently numb, then masturbation will be more fun, and now I'll be able to take advantage of the United States' bad beat jackpot: the trial lawyer. I smile at the fanciful idea of making a few million off a broken chair and a numb hand, and remind myself to make the best of the situation. I assure the manager that whatever I decide to do, the blame will fall on Quizno's ownership and not him. I don't really have any intention of taking advantage of this, but the girl is finding the exchange amusing or something, and keeps trying to assert herself. So I ignore her.
Eventually I talk to her, and after a short converation she gives me her number. I had my Beijing opera penguin t-shirt on, so it was pretty much a lock from the start, but I guess her being a freshman was probably an assist. Unfortunately, when I think of her, my only association is with the mind-numbing pain shooting through my palm during the conversation and when I first saw her come in.
Actually the negative association with this girl isn't the worst beat. As I'm leaving the parking lot, I'm tilting verging on insane. The exchange with the girl hasn't really cheered me up. I suck at parallel parking situations, and I've been in China for two months. Asians are bad influences in this regard. So I pull halfway out of the parking spot after a quick glance at the mirror. Of course I have no space. So I tilt more, and reverse. I have enough space to exit the space now, so I do. As I'm half way out, my friend in the backseat says "stop." I stop. I hear tires squealing. I wish I'd just kept going. After what seems like an eternally long tire squeal, I see a truck do a 180. I'm vaguely surprised that he can still fishtail so hard after his brakes have been screeching for eternity. Anyway the back of his truck slams into the front quarter panel of my car. -$800.
My hand is still fucked up. There's no way I'll ever call the girl. And, I have to replace my car's quarter panel. Thank god Raszi posted that adorable hamster eating that piece of broccoli otherwise I'd probably be loading the gun now.
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CrownRoyal United States. Sep 14 2008 22:57. Posts 11385 | | |
this girl is good for you imo |
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CrownRoyal United States. Sep 14 2008 22:58. Posts 11385 | | |
purely because of the "if i run bad for x amount then surely i have to hit soon" theory
move up limits in poker asaply |
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failsafe United States. Sep 14 2008 23:31. Posts 1040 | | |
oh wait just kidding. i have no idea what i'm doing. i ate a few left over lortabs as soon as i got home and now i'm just being ridiculous |
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| | Last edit: 14/09/2008 23:43 |
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| | On September 14 2008 22:07 devon06atX wrote:
from my experience with girls, threatening civil lawsuits due to a broken chair and hurt hand isn't very attractive as a first impression
but who knows, i'm not american |
its not? wat teh |
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true definition of "fucked"............A man has a car payment, house payment, wife AND girlfriend....Yes girlfriend and they are ALL A MONTH LATE  |
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Sheitan Canada. Sep 15 2008 07:25. Posts 4217 | | |
God sent this girl for you to breakeven for the day and you don't take the occasion ? |
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| Odds are exactly 50%, either happens or it doesnt | |
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NeillyJQ United States. Sep 16 2008 14:27. Posts 8947 | | | |
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| Just remember you need to be god damn sure about their tendencies. -Artanis11 http://www.pocketfives.com/profiles/neillyaa/ | |
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