Depressing Lows

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PanoRaMa United States. May 17 2009 21:40. Posts 1655

I feel like this is something that most players at my relative skill/earning level eventually think about. This is probably mostly targetted at lower stakes players who I think will benefit most from this sort of perspective. Here's a picture of some random hot slut I found on the internets so that this blog entry isn't just a massive wall of text:

I'm writing this right after coming off a flip loss in the FTOPS ME which cost me my stack, but let me start from the beginning.

Saturday is a mediocre day, ended up breaking even, then went grocery shopping at 1 am and watched some GOM before I slept. I went to bed at 5 AM, trying to get some much needed rest so that I could play sharp in the FTOPS tourneys on Sunday. Turns out all I'm doing in bed is just thinking about random shit, including the fun things I'd do if I were fortunate enough to ship 432k (1st in FTOPS ME). It's 6:30, and I realize I'm still wide awake. This has happened before. I think, fuck it, I'll chill online for a bit. I notice some fish at the 2/4 games so I fire up another session, without having eaten, or slept. I make like 4 buy ins and also play 2 satellites into the FTOPS ME and win both of them, life is good.

At 9 AM I realize I should definitely sleep otherwise playing through the FTOPS (which tend to last FOREVER if you go deep) will be hellish off of zero sleep. I try sleeping, but once again I can't (this time mostly due to having a dry throat and randomly coughing). So I'm up again...at 10 AM, zero sleep, and thinking whatever fuck it I'll just wing it. Long story short I cash in none of the tournaments I play today, and it's 6 PM right now and I still haven't slept. Life is awful.

The moral of the story is Poker, honestly, defines my life. I've become engulfed by it. I let my swings in Poker affect my mood throughout the day. When I wake up the next day I feel fine and don't care for the previous day's results, but that's not good enough. It's never good to let yourself be so affected by outcomes which you ultimately can't control (to an extent, due to variance). I feel like shit if I spend a day not doing anything productive, which includes Poker. I honestly have an urge to grind if I'm not doing anything worthwhile and I just hate having the feeling of "what am I doing? why am i not playing and trying to make money? don't I understand how important money is to me?"

It's hard to articulate. It's something I feel like only happens within a certain threshold or window of relative earnings. I made a post a long time ago discussing the happiness EV between micro stakes players, high stakes players, and most importantly mid stakes players. You can view that here (it was pretty well received, surprisingly): http://www.liquidpoker.net/blog/viewblog.php?id=412942

It's similar, where Micro Stakes players typically aren't committed/invested in the game (simply because it would be suicide to declare yourself a professional full time poker player if you play 10 NL or something), and High Stakes players make enough from the game to substantiate a luxurious lifestyle. Both of these cases mean that the NEED to grind does not have to exist. For the Mid Stakes grinder, it's a necessity. Of course it differs person to person, but I feel like Mid Stakes players, at least me, make an amount of money that is neither too small nor too much. Bills can be paid comfortably, but to achieve much much more takes more grinding, simply put.

So in my pursuit of becoming the equivalent of a High Stakes income earner, I feel the insatiable need to keep grinding, to keep trying. Yet Poker can be such a brutal, cruel game, that when you fall short (and it happens, over, and over, and over again), it REALLY starts fucking with you.

Every FTOPS season I always think to myself "Holy shit, time to win hundreds of thousands and get rich!". What would I do with that money? I would definitely take a break and start investing in ventures outside of poker. Ultimately, I've realized what I'm trying to do is play poker and make enough money so that one day I can quit playing poker. It's a sick, twisted thing, really. And who knows how much it'd take for me to be satisfied. I mean, I've already made more than my parents this year so far, yet I don't feel an ounce of satisfaction. What will it take? 7 Figures?

And yet this is the life I willingly accepted (although I didn't think it would be THIS depressing), but have inadvertently found myself "stuck" with. I guess in the end I've written this post to make it a sort of wake up call for myself, to start making baby steps towards having a more fulfilling, enjoyable life/youth. This is also one of the most "down" I've felt mentally about my life, this game, etc. and I'd like to keep a written record of my thoughts so that maybe a few months from now I can re-read this and laugh at how terrible I was. Hopefully this was a bit revealing and/or thought provoking for you guys as well. Cheers, GL

0 votes

http://panorama.liquidpoker.net

Last edit: 17/05/2009 21:42

Shenny Canada. May 17 2009 22:05. Posts 1514

Nicely written. I agree completely.

Do you ever feel like your digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole? Not financially, but just in life persay?

Silver_nz New Zealand. May 17 2009 22:13. Posts 5647

great thing is that you are totally free to create yourself a very nice lifestyle. and what I mean by nice lifestyle is not "having lots of expensive junk" its "what you do all day". you can study rocket science, or start a fast food business, or go 'progaming' aka bum, or move to alaska and hunt fur... whatever you can imagine working out well for you. one of the major constraints is that you don't know what is possible, its an information war with yourself

Last edit: 17/05/2009 22:16

ShadowDrgn United States. May 17 2009 22:15. Posts 1156

On May 17 2009 20:40 PanoRaMa wrote:
Ultimately, I've realized what I'm trying to do is play poker and make enough money so that one day I can quit playing poker. It's a sick, twisted thing, really. And who knows how much it'd take for me to be satisfied.

That sounds similar to what working a regular job is like. Make enough money so that one day you can retire. The pros and cons may be completely different, but playing poker professionally has the same goals as any other career: moving up and making more money. Both can be depressing and are fraught with setbacks.

Sicks Macks United States. May 17 2009 22:30. Posts 3929

I make 80% of my annual income outside of poker and yet I +1 almost all of the mood defining and sense that you should always be grinding because it's +EV.

Mr. Will Throwit

PanoRaMa United States. May 17 2009 22:55. Posts 1655

It's weird, I'm taking time off from school right now yet I feel like I don't have a lot of free time. Actually this is a lie, I spend a lot of time browsing forums and reading stuff, and talking on aim etc. I think overall it's an issue with time management, but jsut that poker really does consume a significant part of my life. My health has deteriorated, I've stopped hanging out with a few friends, etc. It's definitely a shitty lifestyle and yeah I do feel like it's a vicious cycle or catch-22: to do the things I want to do, I feel like I have to make more money. But by trying to make more money, I cut out the things I truly want in my life, if that makes sense (like social relationships, my health, extra hobbies, etc.).

Yeah I realize it's the same as any other regular job, but the issue is just how poker has such sick downsides to it (mentally affecting, time-consuming and isolationist). It's like i dislike how poker has made me, but I feel like the only way out of it is to keep playing :x.

http://panorama.liquidpoker.net

flounder44 United States. May 17 2009 22:55. Posts 916

the real quesion is how muuch of ur winnings did u lose in ftops/hu w/e u palyed in those sessions.

PanoRaMa United States. May 17 2009 23:06. Posts 1655

On May 17 2009 21:55 flounder44 wrote:
the real quesion is how muuch of ur winnings did u lose in ftops/hu w/e u palyed in those sessions.

How is that the real question? For what it's worth, I essentially broke even in FTOPS 12. I am also finally doing decent on the month as well.

The reason why I'm upset is because I've sacrificed a lot for this game and it just feels like I'm just running in circles. Being so close to going very deep in multiple FTOPS, only to lose each time to something stupid yet standard. I'm upset because ultimately I am not happy and it's a shitty state of being to be controlled by the game's flows and the demands of my goals. I feel like binking a huge tourney would solve my problems, but it's awful to have to rely on such a thing in order to be satisfied with what I devote my life to.

http://panorama.liquidpoker.net

RICHI8 United States. May 17 2009 23:18. Posts 1341

You need to get away from the computer more often.

Achoo Canada. May 17 2009 23:20. Posts 1454

What about trying to make that money by working a normal job ? I know i sound old school sometimes and shit but why waiting for something to happen when u can actually force it to happen yourself ?

Odds are exactly 50%: it either happens or not

collegesucks United States. May 18 2009 00:51. Posts 5780

sigh...

lazymej Canada. May 18 2009 01:34. Posts 2897

I feel more or less the same way every now and then.

FOL.

lazymej Canada. May 18 2009 01:34. Posts 2897

Sometimes poker induced but mostly just life in general.

mikeymoo Canada. May 18 2009 01:43. Posts 988

Sigh. It's always enlightening to read these types of things.
Hope things look brighter over the next few days, Pano.
Cheers.

o_O

rednalluk Sweden. May 22 2009 07:41. Posts 626

nice pic