random update

a few days ago one of my friends called me and asked if i wanted to go watch a magic game. i checked the schedule and it was against the 76ers but had nothing better to do so i said yes and picked him up. we scalped some shitty tickets for 10 bucks a piece after bargaining hard with this black guy. he tried to sell it to us for 100 at the beginning and we just laughed and left. they were nose bleed tickets worth like 5 dollars :<

i didn't know but my friend had a plan the entire time. so another random friend worked at the amway center and basically gave us CLUB access passes. it's basically like the 4th lvl but super exclusive. u can actually only get there through elevator. anyway we go and i am slightly giddy at this point and got to watch teh game there. there were these booths with food and alcohol and total luxury furniture and what not. i was impressed. a whole lvl of these booths. i asked how much these were and my friend told me it costs 30k to reserve it annually. there was one suite reserved for the orlando hospital here, specifically the surgeons. anyway there was also a bar which was cool, and had alot of really gorgeous people. me and my friend spent like 20 bucks here on drinks each and then the friend who got us in the club floor on the first place re upgraded and got us into a suite, where drinks were free. we just had to tip the bartenders. easily one of the best nights i had.

anyway the game kinda sucked as the magic under achieved for the 10000000000 time. also its amazing how much more detail and how many more things you can pick up on when watching live. anyway richardson shot a 3 and got fouled made a clutch free throw to help the magic get into overtime. we ended up winning and this was the first overtime win in the amway center. which once again was quite cool. 1/4 of the fans left too with liek 2 minutes remaining. but yeh. it was great.

i had a bunch of semi interesting conversation/thoughts about the magic/basketball in general. the 76ers are a retartedly athletic. no seriously. when you're able to watch a game live it is amazing at how much more detail you can pick up. it's like tehy have no system, no identity, no knowledge of basketball strategy. but it's like tehy are so god dman athletic. like they were just dominating every sport until college and thought "herm i could make a lot of money playing basketball and not have to get hit like i do in football."

dwight's such a bitch. i love him off the court and love his personality but god dammit he is easily my least favorite player on the team. he mentally checks out so often, easily gets frustrated (when the 76ers hard fouled him the entire game) and he just went on tilt. but he does this all the time. instead he bitches and complains and wants to learn to score more. i mean i understand scoring is flashy and u get attention for that. but jesus christ if he just worked on his defense, his natural strengths i would have been so much happier. u wanna work on offense? how bout you make 70% of your fucking free throwS? taht's fucking instant offense right there. and what a total different mindset man. these guys. these guys born as athletic monsters. total different mind set. so many of the professional athletes feel so entitled. and make ridiculous demands. coaches and gm's have to nearly beg their super stars to cooperate sometimes. jesus christ phil jackson deserves so much more credit to have been able to put up with kobe for this long. but seriously, stars like dwight and shaq can just say "oh i can never make more than 55-60% of my free throws w/e go live with it." but look at yao ming. i mean yea this isn't scientific or anything but that guy shoots close to 90%. i mean yea maybe he's "naturally" a better shooter, but to get to 90%? free throws? that's like pure practice and muscle memory. and a different attitude as well.

it's ironic i was making jokes with my friend about how it must be the worst ever to play on the phoenix suns. if you're a semi talented all star or a gifted rookie. like that team is going no where. grant hill and nash try so hard every game. what a facking guilt trip. seriously i don't know how the hell they do it, but it made me appreciate a guy like nash. a different lvl of professionalism. i hope the fans appreciate that kind of effort.

it also made me appreciate the spurs. good coaching staff. a good work ethic in every player. and every player is smart and understands that team work is the only way they can be competitive. but they are ripping through teams right now with taht kind of team work. (celtics too but go fuck them)

anyway this also made me appreciate kobe as well. a guy who took his game as high as he could. and didn't settle for anything less. reminds me of a guy like durant. who actually wants to be one of basketball's greatest. i suppose it's really refreshing. cause that whole 76ers team i swear to god. they are all made. and they couldn't give a shit (not that they should or that it's any of my business. every man should be able to lead his own life) but tehy couldn't care less about getting better. about elevating their game. they are all getting paid, and getting fucking laid every facking nihgt. so who the hell cares? also to foil durant, i'm just going to bring a name like tyreke evans. who is a sick player but that guy is just so talented and can do so much already (much like durant) but i doubt he will ever elevate his game and put in the hours of practice. he seems like a pretty scummy guy and is like free-rolling the rest of his life with the money he's making. (sorta like antoine walker that broke s.o.b)

thinking about all this retarded basketball stuff finally resonated with something inside of me. something about my own self. my current condition i guess.

i'm not really happy with where i am. i play poker and that provides me enough income to live but man am i coasting. like literally living day to day. i might not be the best player nor am i close, but i am or used to be a really competent one. last year i had over 150 hours put in after i put in all the due time where i had to learn poker, where i avged $70/hr but this year i can't seem to be making much at all. but the lvl of confidence is totally different. the mindset and confidence is absolutely shattered. i'm 2nd guessing every standard spot. but it's not even about the poker really. it's about how i'm not happy with where i am. i don't feel very accomplished and maybe if i was able to make more money with poker things would be different. i've made just over 20k lifetime and that my friend is truly pathetic for nearly 1.5 years of work if you're looking at it from a true monetary standpoint. i dont blame poker for any of my short commings. actually poker taught me alot of valuable lessons as well as skills. but i look at myself and i wonder how many other talentless grinders there are and how delusional we all are. i was a fool for trying to skip real life and trying to go through some short cut. but man poker is hard. or maybe im a retard. but i think it's hard.

but it's so tough to quit poker. especially if you were a winner at one point. and it's worse because i know i can just stop playing retarded and win money. instead of this retarded cycle of winning money and then trying hyper aggro moves that have little chance of success only successfully makes way for the cycle to repeat itself. really you can just nut peddle or something close to it and win money. or you can even short stack ffs. i wish it was more difficult. like it's like purgatory right now. i know i can make solid money playing poker atm. but i wish this weren't the case. i wish i could watch some of lp's studs like tt, fayth, nolan, loco, baal, hero play. not to even learn or get free coaching. but i want an ephiphany. an a-ha moment. where i think "yea i could never do that. yea i could never think like that. yea i would never have the balls to bluff or bluff catch there." so i could happily leave poker and never look back. but instead i have the notion that i can win (which i maintain).

poker was awesome it really was. provided me with like easily 1k pocket change every month through my last year and a half of college. got to eat out every day and buy rounds of drinks for all my friends. i'm probably going to buy my mom and dad something nice. maybe a set of 5k watches or something. because they worked so hard and have been living the grind for so long. so their pos son can have a decent chance at a better life. not even a decent chance they did everyhting where supposed to. so a great fucking chance really. except i had to mess things up by being an ungrateful little shit.

i'm not sure what i will do this year. i'm sure i will keep playing poker. but i'm definitely goign to look for further education though. get a retarded masters in business, finance, or management or something. poker part time was the facking nuts. i guess i just want to try and get a platform with a masters so i can move into a decent job market. i don't really have strong preferences so i don't really mind most jobs. but i do enjoy my leisure time. and i do want to make something of myself. even if it's mostly for my parents. cause they really do deserve better. all throughout my life thing's have never gone like WELL for me. like i mean to say i wasn't a very lucky guy. never got the girl i wanted. or the cool friends. or the winning raffle. and i've lived life pretty meekly and uninspiredley. the least i can do is make my parents happy though. they really deserve it. and i don't want it to sound like i feel some insurmountable pressure to please them. it's qutie a benevolent thought.


anyway not qutie sure what to make of everything. and am not going to proof read this so i will have no idea what image i put off either.

i imagine most will think i'm a luckbox with no more luck at the end of my poker career but at this point i don't really care. this site is truly a mix of a few respectable posters, a few moderate posters, and a bunch of retards (where i actually feel like i sorta belong but will try my best to move into the moderate poster group). i guess it's always tilting to get complete asinine and condescending hand comments sometimes. but i thought about it and wondered why i'm getting so upset. is there anything about them i want? or envy? are they winning? crushing their gameS? anyway don't take this last part the wrong way. it's just a small rant. i guess i deserve most of the comments anyway. as i'm bad at poker atm. but i suppose every poker player wants to be validated somewhat, somehow. although at this point i'm just gonna try and win the most amount of money and see if that works.


anyway
truly, honestly, hopefully

i wish everyone the best, myself included