Sick as a dog - Page 2

maybe The War on Normal People by Andrew Yang

I am taking an online course on Stoicism. The next installment talks about journalling from a cursory view of it. I am pretty sure Seneca would advise me to not post emotional blog posts on LP but I felt like writing so here I am.

I don't have a cold anymore so that is pretty cool. I still have to wake up at 5 AM tomorrow morning to become a pizza making wage slave. I don't know. Sometimes I actually get good feelings. Getting into a good flow state, throwing some pies like a true pizzaiolo, making some quality food for some people has it's good feelings but uggghhh man sometimes just no. Dr. Cornel West talks about how Muhammad Ali and Richard Pryor were the freest black men in history. I want that level of freedom. I want a higher level of freedom. A higher level of freedom that only comes without capitalism.

You know if I stopped taking my meds and just embraced it and said fuck it I might kill drone666. Except for he lives in Brazil and isn't rich enough. I'm usually more grandiose when manic. Dick Cheney seems to be the go to murder fantasy. Him and dictators/clit mutilators in Africa. But then I go into thought and think about how I don't actually want to kill these people. I want to figure out a way to rehabilitate them. I don't mind justice but what if we could actually rehabilitate some of these people and change the world for the better?

I talked to my therapist today who also happens to be a Medical Doctor.... which probably makes me even more soft in drone666 worldview.... Anyways, she (a therapist and she's a woman? Mega Soft) didn't seem too concerned about my testosterone levels. She was concerned about my history of panic attacks in social situations (ULTRA soft) and my fear of going on a date and having a panic attack. She didn't prescribe me testosterone but she did prescribe me Xanax. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean I take Ativan when I am manic which is a benzo but taking benzos for social situations especially when it hits the same part of the brain as alcohol could be dicey. I don't want to end up like Jordan B Peterson. I really shouldn't of made that comment but in a way it's related to all of this. What does the drone666 worldview and the rest of the fucking right wing goons on here think about Jordan B Peterson in rehab?

I don't want to end up like past me or an even worse version in future me. If I start mixing alcohol and Xanax that is a death wish. But if it can be a tool to get me over the hump and actually out on some dates sober... (would I be sober?) I am just still trying to figure out if it's worth it.

Drone666, You basically called me soft and said I had low test and then said I was uneducated on the matter but failed to educate in anyway but continued to bully. Most of your behavior on this site from my eyes is pretty ridiculous besides the hand history discussion. I mean if you actually have anything productive to say on the testosterone matter I am all ears but even so I'll probably take the opinion of a Medical Doctor over yours so maybe not worth the time. It's not like I forgot your suggestion to kill myself. Was that a troll? You are abysmal.

obvious man stopping in to say don't mix xanax and alcohol. ofc you know but that shit is whack. panic attacks also have treatments through cognitive/behavioral means. might be worth talking to your therapist about too if it's a big thing for you.

posting a jam and a video i think you'll like:


also i just assumed we all did the silent nod to ignore certain types of posters a long while ago.

your perception about me attacking you in the first post comes from your ignorance about testosterone, your post was comical to say at least, could be a very well made troll post tbh

for a person who read a lot about buddhism you have a lot of bias, random assumption and misconception about stuff, be more humble and less reactive, good that you are taking a course on stoicism, I think you need it
I also go to a psychiatrist, I also take Xanax because, I also had panic attacks, I dont live Brazil and I can relate to a certain point to a lot of mental issues that you seem to have, instead of saying of what you want to hear, I say what I think you need to hear ( putting myself on your shoes )

you got triggered because I called you soft, if someone call me soft I would have such an aggressive reaction, so as I said, maybe you have a problem with that and I think it's worth for you to investigate

Therapist/psychiatrist from my understanding dont give a shit about testosterone and hormones, they mostly treat and give you meds for anyting related to neurotransmitters and will only treat the symptioms with SSRI and Berzo for example, you gonna have to take it forever and will not solve the cause of your problems
I wont write a huge text about testoterore educating you especially because you've been rude and you dont seem like you are interested in knowing, at this point you made me an enemy and wont listen to whatever I say, but you can google and do your research since you have a lot of free time, but I never suggested TRT, and testosterone declines only like 1% per year after 30 years old, so age is not something that is really going to show if you do a blood work, instead of taking TRT, Xanax, SSRI and a lot of shit that only treat the symptoms of your issues, you could change your lifestyle and diet in case you have low test ( which would be a good indicator that something on your lifestyle is "wrong" and causing you having low test unless you were born with low test )

the suggestion about kill yourself is very simple and for a person who reads a lot is very surprising that you couldnt understand
once you seriously contemplate the possibility of killing yourself, you will possibly lose the attachment from life and stop clinging so much, and then realize that you dont need to take life so seriously ( like exactly you seem to do ) because life is not really important after all, and finally live free from all this anxiety that seem to drain you
99% of the time you won't really kill yourself, but if you do, whatever, you are free from all this suffering and pain that you seem to carry, the fact that you think that killing yourself is so illogical really highlights how clingy you are to your life, and this leads to a lot of anxiety, because you MUST live , you MUST solve all your mental issues

I wrote in a private poker group recently that I often think that Im very dumb intelectually compared to guys discussing on this forum when I read certain discussions, but my opinion is rapidly changing recently because seems like no matter how many books you read or how well academic educated you were, most of you dont seem to be able to see the obvious most of the time

they also called me a bully there, which I agree, but I think it's fun to troll people on the internet sometimes but also comes a bit from my lack of education in Brazil
but yea, you are a bit of a pussy, grow some balls and stop being a bitch at an internet forum

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's not ever a good idea to encourage someone to kill themself. It probably goes without saying, but I believe in the end, to feel, to experience - to have life/sensations of any kind - is better than being dead (especially if you are lucky enough to have your senses, health, etc).
Life can be hard and it can be very difficult to find your path, no doubt. To be alive, especially today, especially in a first-world country is the greatest lottery anyone could have won.

I'm sure everyone here has lost someone who they would give anything to have back. Cherish life.

On October 22 2019 03:40 PoorUser wrote: obvious man stopping in to say don't mix xanax and alcohol. ofc you know but that shit is whack. panic attacks also have treatments through cognitive/behavioral means. might be worth talking to your therapist about too if it's a big thing for you. posting a jam and a video i think you'll like: + Show Spoiler + also i just assumed we all did the silent nod to ignore certain types of posters a long while ago.

I've had really shallow breathing from drinking too much alcohol where I thought I might die. For the alcoholic it's actually a welcomed vibe. We call it the heart and lungs place. Where only the heart and lungs are barely working. There are flashes of this might be my last night living and then a sort of calm before passing out. Then depending on the stage of alcoholism I always woke up with either a horrendous hang over (embrace the pain!!!) or a rather powerful longing withdrawal. In my right mind it sounds like a terrible idea but the addict in me thinks that an anti-anxiety sedative basically mixed with alcohol would be a great way to escape or kill myself.

Here is basically my therapist/psychiatrist's logic. She is skilled in exposure therapy but she basically said if someone had panic attacks on planes or had a fear of that and HAD to be on a plane it's difficult to really work on that from an exposure therapy perspective. She would rather the person medicate with something rather than just chance the experience and perhaps they can realize there is nothing to the feared experience. She doesn't like Xanax as a drug but due to my other drugs that I'm on (Lithium and Abilify) it's the only viable one. Everyone always uses the example of someone that is afraid of elevators. Booking a flight and going on an airplane and also booking a date and going on a date is kind of similar. I guess the date isn't quite as severe as the flight. I could show up to the date and then leave immediately or leave at any time. I've never actually had a panic attack on a date but I have this fear of it since getting sober and having panic attacks in social situations (basically confined to just AA meetings which is weird but part of me feels like I am an AA fraud. Not in that I'm not sober but that I don't believe in a God or God's will).

I really like that song/video. It cheered me up today.

I should do the silent nod but sometimes I just can't help myself. Sometimes it is under some guise of maybe I'll learn something but in reality I think it is in part liking a little bit of drama in my life.

On October 23 2019 01:51 RiKD wrote: I should do the silent nod but sometimes I just can't help myself. Sometimes it is under some guise of maybe I'll learn something but in reality I think it is in part liking a little bit of drama in my life.

It's because you are a lonely person, you need some attention/compassion, that's the only reason why you are addicted to blogging
so when there's no interaction you feel forced to answer even who you perceive as a troll to create some action in your life

normally it's only you posting random disconnected thoughts, a bad song that cheered you up, followed by a lasagna recipe

The thing is I'm not completely ignorant on testosterone. I was raised on t-nation.com (Testosterone Nation). That's probably for the worse. I have been a meathead for large portions of my life. I was at one point 230 lbs. at about 16% body fat all natural. I fucked around with some testosterone boosters along the way that t-nation sold me. They had a product called Alpha Male with tribulus something or other in it as well as other stuff. There was also Carbolin-19. The thing is t-nation just makes stuff up or cites studies that only helps them sell supplements.

Now, do I believe that lifting some heavy ass weights, eating a relatively clean diet, getting proper sleep, getting enough vitamin d, maybe supplementing with ZMA (easily absorbable magnesium, zinc, vitamin b12), avoiding cortisol as much as possible, etc etc. will lead to higher testosterone? Yes, I do but I really have no idea by how much or if it's perceivable. I don't just sit around reading good scientific papers on testosterone.

I am not a Buddhist. In fact, I killed a cockroach ("palmetto bug" this morning. That was the first thing I have killed in a really long time. I had the thought that that could be my grandmother re-incarnated but then I just shrugged and laughed. Then I thought now the tides have turned I'm going to train to start murdering ISIS members. Sometimes there is no rehabilitation possible on the battlefield.

@drone why did you feel the need to come out like that and just call ric soft even if that's how you perceive him? ????

I just had the most vivid dream. I was fooling around with a woman I was madly in love with M. M for Mara. Mara for Desire. After we make out for a while she looks me dead in the eye and says, "I just want to tell you that I love you." And I say, "no, no, no, don't do this to me." But I felt the most bliss. We had an interesting story to say the least. Kind of fucked up actually but I just wanted Her to love me and us to have a relationship and it never materialized. Mostly due to my lack of courting ability with Her. She asked me out to coffee pretty early on knowing Her and I declined to go to another meeting. I was too aloof and then too needy and lacked discretion. There were like other weird details in the dream. We were in like a Joker style motel room. My parents were in the other room. My grandfather who was also a bipolar alcoholic was still alive and sleeping in a cot in our room. Michael Douglas came to the door and was Mara's dad. She suggested we watch a documentary on Nietzsche but then I couldn't find it on a 1990s tv. I think that's how the dream ended. I was getting frustrated trying to find the Nietzsche documentary and Mara was losing patience with my ineptness but it felt like in a loving way like nothing actually mattered. Or that's my perception of the dream at least. That bliss I felt though. It's kind of hard to wake up from that. Especially into my current existence.

Another good movie besides Joker with Joaquin Phoenix is Her.

On October 24 2019 01:35 Raidern wrote: @drone why did you feel the need to come out like that and just call ric soft even if that's how you perceive him? ????

why did u feel the need to come out and call me for calling ric soft ?
because its a forum and people post their opinions

by any means I meant to insult him, he asked why I said he should check his test levels and I answered him
could've used better words, but whatever, I don't take this forum too seriously, and even thought my advice ( even the one of killing himself ) was serious, I think people here mostly dont even understand anything I say and perceive me as a troll, which I do sometimes, so I don't really want to waste my time writing an essay about anything or carefully choosing my words to not hurt his feelings

hahi just wanted to know why you offended him, didn't necessarily call you out. it doesn't matter if you say you didn't mean to insult him, your action was offensive. but i don't want to drag this any further, i just thought it was weird and got curious. maybe you just like to troll like you said, i don't know.

I am "soft." The music I like is "bad." I should "kill myself." I am one of these nerds that reads a lot and has formal education but can't see the obvious. The obvious being that I have "low testosterone" but my MD doesn't think it's obvious or likely. She is another one of these nerds that has formal education but can't see the obvious. Even though she is razor sharp in her observations and has been on the ball with everything so far (except perhaps for her Xanax prescription. I am still on the fence about that one).

My guess is drone666 is many times half trolling or full trolling. Maybe he is self-conscious about his lack of formal education. Maybe he was bullied as a youth. Lifting some weights and winning say a dollar per hand and living in say Thailand can give people feelings of being a bit of a tough guy. The Man. I know I felt that way to a degree when I was living in Malta and Buenos Aires. In realty, drone666, you are a belligerent parasite. "Cause you're the man and I'm the man so why don't you stick that finger up your ass!"

Hooker with a penis. You ever run into that problem in Thailand buddy?

I thought I might have fucked a trans woman one time in Argentina but her vagina was immaculate so I don't know. I hear they have the best plastic surgery there and it is covered by health care so who knows?

I am not a tranny chaser though. I feel for them. There was a trans woman in Pittsburgh who apparently wanted to get fucked by me but I just considered her a friend and was trying to help her stay sober and not be so miserable but when the Jesus freaks in the meetings treated her like shit it was a tough one. She had to worry about getting beaten up on the streets or harassed on the bus or mistreated in what is supposed to be a safe zone of an AA meeting.

I'm just sitting here listening to music and dancing like "hah!" I'm soft and cuddly and wise like Balou the Bear. That is what a somewhat crazy at the time black chick in the psych ward told me. I wasn't trying to fuck her. I was just there to help out if I could. There isn't a lot to do in psych wards. So, I passed the time by having conversations. That and reading and art. Kind of like what I do now but I am missing out on the conversations piece. I am looking for more action in my life. I don't think I am really an action junky though unless there is a resurgence somehow. I used to be an action junkie. Once an action junkie always an action junkie?

That is why I worry about the Xanax. I used to drink a lot of alcohol before dates. Like at least a few drinks or shots before the date even started and then I drank somewhat in line with normal until I stopped caring and just drank abnormally. I remember this one date I had 4 Jack Daniels shots before I left and about 10 Jim Beams on the date. It went really well. The more I drank the better things went date wise. I suppose taking a Xanax is better than 15-20 drinks on a date and being an alcoholic.

There was this woman K. K for Ketamine. Ketamine for knocked me out of my socks. She was a hot MD. I mention that to show that I am a baller that pulls high status hot women. She liked to drink. I stopped drinking while I was seeing her. She gave me a lap dance in a club when I was stone sober. The way she would look at me with those big brown eyes it was on. But she probably had about 8 drinks in her. I wanted to put about x inches in her (not 8 unfortunately....). I just had to leave and take a cold shower. Or did I? Is this another example of me being soft?

Maybe I am soft. Maybe that's a good thing. My boners are healthy so who the fuck cares?

Fuck you drone666. You are a belligerent parasite. Actually, I think most poker pros are a worthless cause. Eh, that's a generalization. I knew a lot of really humble, cool poker pros. Most of them no longer play poker. They were still parasites. Who could say no to that life at 22 though? I know I sure couldn't.

Suicide isn't illogical it's just that annihilation is bad. Obviously, if life is extremely bad than suicide is logical. Suicide is still bad. Near death experience can enhance life. Attempted suicide or even getting very close to suicide can enhance life. I have perhaps been the most "productive" in life after a near fatal car accident and when I almost committed hari kari with a Santoku knife in my kitchen. I ended up heating the knife and burning my arm instead which I still carry the scar as a reminder of that night. It fueled my "productiveness" in the wrong paths however. I exploited myself for the benefit of a multinational corporation. I reaped some of the benefits monetarily. $70,000+ with bonuses and benefits and company cars and expense accounts is actually pretty fucking good in Indiana, USA. Except for Indiana, USA is not really the most desirable place to live for who I was at that time. Hell, it's no place to live for who I am at this time.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Regardless of if it is trying or full of tribulations. That's life.

Here is the solution to all of yours problems. The life of your dreams awaits.

Beef and benzos. What could go wrong?

"Riding on the coattails of her father Jordan Peterson, a Canadian psychologist who somehow became an internet celebrity for refusing to use the gender pronouns of college students, Mikhaila Peterson is pushing just what the world needs: another unhealthy fad diet claiming to be a nostrum for maladies physical and mental. The "book" admits to simply being transcripts of interviews which are freely available online and blog posts already written on Mikhaila's website.

None of her claims about the all-meat diet (not unlike the Atkins diet or the "caveman diet" are scientifically proven and Mikhaila Peterson is not a licensed nutritionist nor a doctor. Her "credentials" consist solely of her personal experience (note: the plural of "anecdote" is not "data".) Dr. Shawn Baker, who is included in this work to give it the facade of being scientific, had his medical license revoked in 2017, in part for "incompetence to practice as a licensee."

It is irrefutable fact that overconsumption of red meat is condemned by the majority of licensed medical practitioners for, among other reasons, increasing the risk of cancer, a disease of which this book is a good example. This cash grab is undoubtedly attractive to self-diagnosing hypochondriacs and Peterson's confused fanboys, a young male demographic inexplicably attracted to Dr. Peterson's sage advice to "clean your room" and his questionable proclamations about women as "agents of chaos." These aspiring "alpha males" are sure suckers for anything "manly" to the point of being laughably gullible, and therefore easily exploitable, consumers. After all, nothing is manlier than dying early of colorectal cancer or heart disease because you think carrots make you depressed or eating soy makes you effeminate.

It is shameful but perhaps unsurprising that among Dr. Peterson's pithy and paternalistic advice to these alienated young men, Dr. Peterson will not include "eat your veggies" and has instead adopted and supported this ludicrous diet, inviting his credulous audience to develop cancer and diverticulitis for the sake of giving his crackpot daughter a wider platform.

With the holidays coming up, I highly recommend the paperback as toilet tissue for that special someone in your life who has regular bowel movements. Let's hope they don't follow the advice of the book, otherwise their regular bowel movements will be a thing of the past."

This is a great review.

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote: I am "soft " The music I like is " bad." I should "kill myself." I am one of these nerds that reads a lot and has formal education but can't see the obvious. The obvious being that I have low testosterone but my MD doesn't think it's obvious or likely. She is another one of these nerds that has formal education but can't see the obvious. Even though she is razor sharp in her observations and has been on the ball with everything so far (except perhaps for her Xanax prescription. I am still on the fence about that one). My guess is drone666 is many times half trolling or full trolling. Maybe he is self-conscious about his lack of formal education. Maybe he was bullied as a youth. Lifting some weights and winning say a dollar per hand and living in say Thailand can give people feelings of being a bit of a tough guy. The Man. I know I felt that way to a degree when I was living in Malta and Buenos Aires.

the obvious isn't that you have low testosterone, was just guess, stop distorting what I said

fyi I've always been a tough guy since my younger days: https://www.liquidpoker.net/blog/viewblog.php?id=973432

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote: Hooker with a penis. You ever run into that problem in Thailand buddy?

Why would that be a problem buddey ? who hasn't banged a chick with a dick hasn't lived anything yet

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote: There was this woman K. K for Ketamine. Ketamine for knocked me out of my socks. She was a hot MD. I mention that to show that I am a baller that pulls high status hot women. She liked to drink. I stopped drinking while I was seeing her. She gave me a lap dance in a club when I was stone sober. The way she would look at me with those big brown eyes it was on. But she probably had about 8 drinks in her. I wanted to put about x inches in her (not 8 unfortunately....). I just had to leave and take a cold shower. Or did I? Is this another example of me being soft?

you being soft is related to the fact that you keep whining and bitching for years on an internet forum without taking action ( which is something I used to do ) and are addicted to this victim role so people can comfort you and say " its alright rikd, tomorrow's gonna be better hehe, listen to this little song to cheer you up buddy " and has nothing to with any of these random stuff that you posted, you tried to guess already that I called you soft because of Benzo ( wrong, I also do that ), because you go to some therapist ( wrong, I also do that )
now you are just throwing random stuff like the fact that you have small dick out there

I guess is safe to assume at this point that you are trying to troll back and play dumb

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote: Suicide isn't illogical it's just that annihilation is bad. Obviously, if life is extremely bad than suicide is logical.

first you berate my suggestion of suicide, then you come and say that if life is extremely bad suicide is logical, do you have the awareness that you are probably viewed by most here as disturbed mind living a life of suffering ? so you basically contradicting yourself since you agree with me, maybe you are implying that you are not living a miserable life, and that can be truth, but if so, berating my suggestion of suicide based on my supposedly misinterpretation of your suffering can only be retarded or troll, since exposing your misery and pussyness is mostly of what you do in this blog

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote: Suicide is still bad.

how non experience can be worst than bad experience ? this is one of the obvious stuff that you and the other nerds with degrees don't seem to understand
also the correlation between contemplating suicide and getting rid of this clinging for living, which would lead to a much lighter and less anxious life

On October 24 2019 18:04 RiKD wrote:I almost committed hari kari with a Santoku knife in my kitchen. I ended up heating the knife and burning my arm instead which I still carry the scar as a reminder of that night.

WOW SO TOUGH
finally you got my validation that you've been seeking for
( hope this was a troll attempt )

On October 24 2019 23:12 Loco wrote: Here is the solution to all of yours problems. The life of your dreams awaits.

this was a weak attempt to troll, this carnivore diet is obviously a scam
recently I met a girl who is a therapist and researcher and had PCOS and is completely cured after changing to a diet of high fat low carb, so yea, your diet has very strong impact on your hormones

Joking and trolling aren't the same thing y'know. We know it's obviously a scam. The godawful picture she made for the book cover and the book content (all rehashed interviews and blogposts) are the funny bits that I wanted RiKD and other people to see. Also I'm literally quoting her. On her website she says the carnivore diet works for everyone, solves every health issue, and allows you to live the life of your dreams.

Anecdotes like these are weak evidence that don't help anyone. There's no control group so we don't know anything about whether or not a different diet swinging the other way couldn't do the same thing. "High fat low carb" are meaningless criteria if it doesn't tell us about the quality of the food itself. It can be healthy or unhealthy fats and carbs. Diet influencing hormones isn't very revelatory knowledge.

Ok, i thought you posted that because I said he could fix his super low test with diet

There's some studies about the subject according to her but I dont really care about female hormonal disfunction so didn't bother to read, and high fat low carb isn't meaningless criteria, and in general has a bigger impact on hormones than food quality