The more I think the better off I am. Think at my rhythm. There is no franticness in my days today. Just a calm, relaxed gait that can morph into a smooth dance that is joy or creativity. Byung-Chul Han is correct when he says profound boredom is only found along the line of vita activa. Animal laborans. Embrace the vita contemplativa and boredom is an opportunity to linger. There really is no current "solution" to my employment "problems." The solution doesn't exist yet. I would like to work 25 hours a week.... Well, I would prefer to not work at all and volunteer say 25 hours a week. Under capitalism I would certainly prefer to work 3 ~8 hr shifts 3 days in a row and have 4 days completely off. I think under anarcho-communism I wouldn't really care. I wouldn't have a preference. 2 ~12 hour shifts 2 days in a row might be a lot or it might not be depending on what I was doing. Things obviously have to be organized in some way typically. Food Not Bombs is every Sunday for 5 hours starting at 11am. That is fair. I wouldn't want to do Food Not Bombs for 25 hours a week. I want more. There are other projects I am involved in that subjectively offer more. It is about usefulness. Educating children on nature and organic farming and ecology using Montessori principles is one way. Organizing a food and beverage union is another. It's all subjective though. Certainly providing a troubled community one healthy meal per week with the comrades is better than not. I'd rather be informed and networked with leftists than the herd. I feel like I have until about Memorial Day to figure out and take action on what I want to do or else I will be trapped in vita activa animal laborans indefinitely once again. On Memorial Day 2020 the virile and alive becomes the undead unless Hero focuses and takes decisive action. Am I up to the challenge?
In some ways it's a lot of pressure to figure things out in 2 months. I am unsure if it is even reasonable. I may never have things figured out. And also I overestimate the intensity or duration of any 1 of my choices. Bad outcomes will not be as bad as I think just as good outcomes will not be as good as I think. There is no perfect job. A sexual relationship with A will only make me slightly happier before I go back to baseline. Similarly to eating some good dark chocolate. I was going to make a joke about eating out a dark skinned black woman but as you can see gave up on that. They are mutilating clits in Africa! Makes me want to 3d print some AKs and take matters into my own hands. I am not a killer though. I don't know what to do about that situation. I don't know what to do about so many situations. So I sit. I think. I read. I write.
"Life dominated by work is a vita activa which is entirely cut off from the vita contemplativa. If the human being loses all capacity for contemplation, it degenerates into an animal laborans. The life which adjusts itself to the mechanical work process knows only breaks, work-free interim periods in which the regeneration from work takes place in order to be fully available again for the process of work. Thus, "relaxation" and "switching off" do not constitute a counterbalance to work. They are integrated into the work process, in the sense that they primarily serve the purpose of re-establishing the ability to work."
"Work is totalized to such a degree that outside of working hours the only time that remains is that which is to be "killed." The totalization of labour pushes out all other forms of life and life projects."
"Because all energy is fully absorbed by work, the only thing that can fill the time outside of work is a passive entertainment or recreation that serves only to make the worker able to work again with his full strength."
- Byung-Chul Han "The Scent of Time"
"... andante... the tempo of passionate and slow spirit - ..."
- Frederich Nietzsche
"From lack of rest, our civilization is ending in a new barbarism. Never have the active, which is to say the restless, people been prized more. Therefore, one of the necessary correctives that must be applied to the character of humanity is a massive strengthening of the contemplative element."
I did another AA meeting tonight. I am in one of those phases where God is dead. There is no will of God and I certainly can't pray myself to be inline with it. It makes AA more difficult when I am explicit about it. Everyone in AA is a lost, scaredy cat and/or delusional. What this quarantine has made me realize which is something I already knew is that I don't like AA meetings. I like some of the people in AA meetings. I think I like the people in Food Not Bombs more if I'm being honest. I am just trying to contemplate the truth. I know this topic comes up periodically. It seems like every season I wrestle with this. It's a major part of my life and a major part of my life that feels incongruent at the moment.
Right now I am aching to take action but action in what?
I am a moral skeptic and an existential nihilist.
When I am working full time and escaping to AA meetings I don't really have time or energy to think about it or question it but now that I do the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is horse shit. Such a pile of trash text and philosophy. It has been a big part of my life for a handful of years now. I miss going out to dinner though. Helping another alcoholic. This might just be a season where I ease off of AA a bit and get a bit closer to the truth.
I'm probably going for a German season too. All German producers and all German philosophers. Maybe I'll hit up Duolingo again and knock off some rust. I'm going to wear all black and never go outside (unless it's a walk of Kantian proportions).
Be aware while a good plan for life requires that one moves from the active to the contemplative life, it is often useful if the soul returns from the contemplative to the active life, in such a way that the flame of the contemplation which has been lit in the heart passes on all its perfections to activity. Thus, active life must lead us to contemplation, but contemplation must set out from what we inwardly considered and call us back to activity.
"A vita contemplativa without acting is blind, a vita activa without contemplation is empty"
- Byung-Chul Han
I want to act. I am compelled to act but I am stuck in quarantine and my city is in lockdown.
Contemplation of truth. Truth in lowercase letters because how can we know the Truth. But it is so important to maybe denote it as Truth with a capital T. Someone said contemplation of truth is divine. One of the highest forms of living. Whoever said that must have been a philosopher. Probably Aristotle or someone like that.
Just woke up from a siesta and had a contemplative apple. Listening to Stimming the Stimmung ist richtig.
I don't know what the truth is but I know it's different from information. I seek truth not information. There is a compulsive nature to information just as there is a compulsive nature to work. I remember when I was heavily addicted to Twitter. The information was too much. It was overbearing. There was no discernment for truth or Truth but rather the next click. The next piece of information. Byung-Chul Han says to let it ripen my friend. Let it ripen my friend. I want my truths like a nice, plump, vividly red apple plucked from the tree. It takes time to eat an apple. Not only let it ripen but savor the experience. Take a bite. Take one's time. Wander. Wonder. God is dead and we killed him.
All we have in this life are our social beings, nature, and ecology. Cherish it. I miss eye contact, smiles, and laughter. The digital isn't real. I am more virile than ever but stuck in a house with my parents. Masturbation is fun sometimes but always at least a little bit degrading due to the pornographic being pornographic. The exaggerated moans, the exaggerated starlettes, the exaggerated positions to make it look good for the camera. It's literally a whole production. I don't even need sex right now. Just give me a nice conversation with a nice girl over some nice tea. And that normally sounds boring but I am trying to get my expectations right. I don't need double d's and a penchant for Bakunin.
I want to ACT on something but no one is hiring and I just have to sit. So I write these blogs. LOL. I am a bit nuts I know.
I can't sleep, I'm losing my mind, insomnia in quarantine is not a good thing!
Man, so Google definitely has me pegged (in more ways than one). They probably know me better than I know me. I am unsure if the digital panopticon reaches to these parts. I shouldn't be so illuminating with my posting though regardless. I miss in person discourse. I miss people. I miss sleep. I was thinking over an apple that whatever I read next is not going to be as stimulating as Byung-Chul Han so I will likely be disappointed. I could re-read "The Agony of Eros" which is relevant and I love but I was thinking I could switch to fiction as I can't just read Byung-Chul Han perpetually. I was thinking that I have some unread Kafka in my Kindle ("The Hunger Artist," "The Castle". What do Vladimir Nabokov, David Foster Wallace, Byung-Chul Han, Mark FIsher, and myself all have in common? Well, one thing is that we all love Franz Kafka. I was also thinking of reading "The Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoevsky as that is unread in my Kindle too. I don't know if I can really go wrong to be honest.
Everyone seems to praise flow as this holy grail of experience. It's one thing if I am driving 130mph weaving in and of traffic on the highway. That is a high I can't get back nor should I be engaging in that behavior but the flow was real. Friday night at the pizza shop come dinner time just seems like auto-exploitative achievement subject makes double the pizzas for the benefit of employer. The compulsion to do it better, faster, stronger is along the same lines. Limitless optimization may work for automation but not for humans. But flow does hold true for painting. If I just paint a canvas and paint a straight line that is going to be comically silly but if I try to recreate a cubist Picasso I may find myself in despair. On a side note there are monks who meditate for long periods of time and put their expression into one brush stroke. I find that really cool.
There are studies on the subject. One study says that people at work in a flow state are more happy and confident and when they are at home figuring out what to watch on Netflix they are bored and apathetic. Well, duh. But there was an incongruence in that people at work wanted to get out of there asap and people at home wanted to continue scrolling through Netflix. I think this may have something to do with what Byung-Chul Han talks about when he talks about how rest is only rest to work. One goes from compulsion to compulsion. There is no rest. There is no contemplation.
Maybe I a wrong though. There is the anecdote of the factory worker who tries to "best" his time in the assembly line on each part as if he were stoned out of his mind doing Mario Kart time trials. Even stoned Mario Kart gets stale. I think that guy is delusional. There was one day at the pizza shop that I was in the zone. I got 3 pizzas in the oven at the same time which I had never done before. I was so happy. But doing that for 8 hours without a break is fucking stupid. The shift stayed with me. I needed a long nap and still couldn't really shake it off. I couldn't make pizzas at an optimal level especially a challenging "limitless" attempt and even think about reading Byung-Chul Han at an acceptable comprehension. Then it is depressing to read Byung-Chul Han and then have to go back to the pizza shop and exploit myself even if I know that I am doing it.
Flow states at work are better than no flow states at work or are they? Maybe it is more like no work is better than work. At least in terms of late stage capitalism. Let me volunteer 25 hours a week. I'll even clean toilets for 5 hours a week if others are doing so too. I'll spend it on what matters: Ecology, organic farming, food, shelter, clothing, helping others.
I'll chase a flow state like I chased drugs like I can chase anything. Why drive 130mph if you can drive 140mph? But then why the fuck am I killing myself for the benefit of some greedy, douchebag CEO? Why the fuck am I killing myself for a pat on the back and a nice dinner when the CEO is running off with $10 milly in bonuses? And honestly I value a sincere pat on the back (versus a manipulative pat on the back) and a nice dinner more than money but you know how much good can be done with $10 milly? These fucking CEOs are blackholes. Before this quarantine I would go on walks at the beach. The beach is lined with these multimillion dollar houses. You know how many of these fucking houses are empty for 50 weeks out of the year?????? It's sickening. These people are fucking sick. It makes me sick.
"Let us hope that behind the virus comes a human revolution. The virus will not defeat capitalism. The solidarity that consists of keeping our distance from each other is not a solidarity that allows us to dream of a different, more peaceful, more just society. We cannot leave the revolution in the hands of the virus. Let us hope that behind the virus comes a human revolution. It is WE, PEOPLE gifted with REASON, who have to rethink and radically restrict destructive capitalism, and also our unlimited and destructive mobility, to save ourselves, to save the climate and our beautiful planet."
- Byung-Chul Han
Let us unite. There is more to life than a flow state at work and a Netflix binge before doing it all over again.
I am sitting here listening to loneliness r&b zapping through twitter and came to the conclusion that i must write. I am going to start writing "I" as "i" like the Germans do and every other language that isn't individualist, oppressive English.
I painted all sorts of shit today it was fun. That is true leisure.
FKA Twigs is the atopic Other that capitalism has convinced me is my atopic Other.
Grey matter. Did you know that you can increase grey matter through meditation?
Pink matter. IT'S MORE THAN THE PINK MATTER! Damn, like i've said i could just use some eye contact and a smile at this point.
Purple matter. What if some motherfucking aliens dropped in at this point? 2020 helluva year.
I'm currently really into the archetype of black beauty. Probably cuz i'm listening to SZA and Lion Babe.and FKA Twigs. I'm a manipulated, exploited, beat up cow that gets reincarnated as a manipulated, exploited, beat up cow.
Kate Upton, Heidi Klum, Bar Rafaelli. It always comes in threes.
I am just looking for my atopic Other. I may or may not know it when i see it. She won't be a super model. She won't use Snapchat filters. Who the fuck knows?
I want love. I want a lover. I want to think. I want to wander. I want to live.
- Kindness
- Social connection
- Time affluence
- Meditation
- Exersize
- Sleep
These are the things that actually lead to well-being.
I suppose if we HAVE to work we are better off in a flow state doing something in line with our signature strengths.
I am blind, i am blind, i am going blind! All thought and no play makes RiKD a dully boy...
I am losing my mind a bit in quarantine. Some would argue it was already lost...
Frank Ocean's "Pyramids" always brings me back to Vegas 2008. Not that I didn't work hard but damn it was just like you played some hands and money just piled up. I never even ever played many hands... well, that's not true. I mean we'd just smoke some good trees and finda grind and party. It wasn't all empty though. Some of the conversations about life. We thought we all had it figured it out. And when you are easily making $75k+ and can do pretty much whatever you want that is kind of having it all figured out.
Double Ds and a penchant for Bakunin. Where is she?
I could get down with some BANKS too.
I think 100% of the herd wanted my life in my early 20s and 0% want my life now. #mylaugh
I honestly think i have the capacity to be happier now. My life in my early 20s was pretty awesome though. I am mostly happy with my eternal reoccurrence so far but it gets really fucking rough in my late 20s. Just gotta make sure the eternal reoccurrence is brackin' going into my 40s and beyond.
I had a dream that i made a lasting impression on human/social Revolution but they decapitated me and cut out my heart and auctioned it off. My heart kept beating and beating. The Spirit will never die.
We need heart and reason to make a difference. We need a We. ¡Solidaridad y Dignidad!
I am awake man. Feeling really good. Had some waffles with blueberries and 100% maple syrup from Vermont and some coffee. Now what to use this energy on? This human potential?
I go for a walk. I see a flower. It makes me hard. I jerk off to the flower. I lose myself to the flower. I have conquered infinity.
Do we want Kate Upton selling Hardees burgers, climate activism, or none of the above?
Mary Cassatt. Very underrated artist. I miss the beach.
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United States. Mar 24 2020 22:13. Posts 9043
. What do Vladimir Nabokov, David Foster Wallace, Byung-Chul Han, Mark FIsher, and myself all have in common? Well, one thing is that we all love Franz Kafka. I was also thinking of reading "The Brothers Karamazov" by Dostoevsky as that is unread in my Kindle too. I don't know if I can really go wrong to be honest.
