RiKD Blog Thread - Page 2

Year of the Rat baby. I'm a rat and I cannot lie. I tell you what would make me less depressed. A $2k check in the mail each month. Let me be and find social connection on my own terms. Not through depressing work. I don't know who these people are who enjoy work? Most of the time it's complete self-delusion. What do you do CurbStomp? I'll tell you what makes me depressed the fact that my parents are both immune compromised and old and it isn't prudent to go to Food Not Bombs tomorrow or to George Floyd protests today. I also have to sit and listen to their theories on protests or listen to how great SpaceX is. Or my dad #1 apologist for capitalism, Donald Trump, Big Business, alt-right, military industrial complex, et al. I don't need all the same bullshit when I come on here. The boom and bust cycles of capitalism is what brought me to psychosis at age 30. My psychiatrist has said capitalism is terrible for mental health and it's pretty clear that this is true. Going back to work will help my bank account but that is about it.

I just have to sit and watch everything from my chair. The State disgusts me. How am I supposed to live within this system?

On May 31 2020 02:31 RiKD wrote: Year of the Rat baby. I'm a rat and I cannot lie. I tell you what would make me less depressed. A $2k check in the mail each month. Let me be and find social connection on my own terms. Not through depressing work. I don't know who these people are who enjoy work? Most of the time it's complete self-delusion. What do you do CurbStomp? I'll tell you what makes me depressed the fact that my parents are both immune compromised and old and it isn't prudent to go to Food Not Bombs tomorrow or to George Floyd protests today. I also have to sit and listen to their theories on protests or listen to how great SpaceX is. Or my dad #1 apologist for capitalism, Donald Trump, Big Business, alt-right, military industrial complex, et al. I don't need all the same bullshit when I come on here. The boom and bust cycles of capitalism is what brought me to psychosis at age 30. My psychiatrist has said capitalism is terrible for mental health and it's pretty clear that this is true. Going back to work will help my bank account but that is about it.

Oh boy, your father must be really proud of you. I mop floors and plan to go to Uni someday.

Edit: Please don't go loot TVs with other thugs.

It's funny that I resent my father but still want to make him proud. I remember reading somewhere that I should live as if my dad were dead. He is not dead and I live with him so that is difficult to do. I got that advice from some pseudo PUA self-help guru anyway so probably not very valid. It's funny that crap from self-help gurus still rattle around in my brain.

My parents had me without my consent. I think I would probably just rather have never existed. That doesn't mean I want to commit suicide but I do think about it.

There is virtually no social safety net here. I can't even get on Medicaid. There is no going back to Uni unless I want to go hundreds of thousands into debt.

Now, you are insinuating that I am a thug... The largest thug of them all is the Neo-Fascist in the White House. He is going to designate antifa as a terrorist organization. I wonder why?...

If I'm being honest I enjoyed seeing McDonald's and cop cars burning.

It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not?

Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with?

On June 01 2020 13:36 CurbStomp wrote: It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not?

There are obviously reasons not to. But I am currently wagering on graduate school. First step is to apply and see if I can get in anywhere.

Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with?

It's not my life's goal to make my pop happy. I could try and try and fail anyway. As I said I resent my dad. Not super bitter resentment but it's there. Yet, I still want to make him proud. The former and the ladder is a failing but I think the ladder is a larger failing. Not that I should live as if he is dead. That is silly. I am still going to talk to him especially on birthdays or whatever days or if I see him which is just about every day under the sun.

Sorry, everyone doesn't make $20/hr here like in Finland. It's not easy to move out and pay rent. It's not something I even really want to do. I don't want to own a home and have to manage all of that and I don't want to be at the beck and call of some landlord either. It's another lose/lose proposition. So, I continue to exist. Things will change. It will just take an un-bearingly long time. So, I continue to exist. I would consider living in some lefty commune but obviously I can't fly to Finland for example to achieve that end.

So, I just continue to exist. I started an application today. I have to wait until I get my transcript to do much more. So, I just continue to exist.

Schräg Stimmung

I'm in sort of a weird mood tonight. I feel as if I am out on an island. My parents are here but I am so sick of their inane takes on so many topics. It feels worse than having no one in my life. My parents are immuno-compromised meaning they don't want me doing anything. It feels like everyone is out there doing what they do and I am just here excluded and no one gives a fuck. It's a bad feeling man. And it's probably the truth which hurts more. Cuts me deep. I haven't thought about cutting... until now. I've never cut myself but I have burnt myself. I can understand the feelings of the rioters because I could go for burning some symbol to the ground. My paintings have been intense lately. I'm officially out of canvases. A lot of harakiri, burning, crosses, crucifixion, Jesus, death, nothingness, consciousness, spirit, heart. There is one where I am crying tears into what appears to be God's disembowelled innards. His/her heart is still beating. There is another where Jesus is burning at the cross.

I worry what Trump's administration is capable of.

On June 01 2020 21:46 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On June 01 2020 13:36 CurbStomp wrote: It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not? There are obviously reasons not to. But I am currently wagering on graduate school. First step is to apply and see if I can get in anywhere.   Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with? It's not my life's goal to make my pop happy. I could try and try and fail anyway. As I said I resent my dad. Not super bitter resentment but it's there. Yet, I still want to make him proud. The former and the ladder is a failing but I think the ladder is a larger failing. Not that I should live as if he is dead. That is silly. I am still going to talk to him especially on birthdays or whatever days or if I see him which is just about every day under the sun. Sorry, everyone doesn't make $20/hr here like in Finland. It's not easy to move out and pay rent. It's not something I even really want to do. I don't want to own a home and have to manage all of that and I don't want to be at the beck and call of some landlord either. It's another lose/lose proposition. So, I continue to exist. Things will change. It will just take an un-bearingly long time. So, I continue to exist. I would consider living in some lefty commune but obviously I can't fly to Finland for example to achieve that end. So, I just continue to exist. I started an application today. I have to wait until I get my transcript to do much more. So, I just continue to exist.

I'm sure you could afford a room somewhere with pizza making money or whatever. These things are part of being an adult. You are not meant to live with other peoples money while being capable of making your own.

edit: Just had a therapy session via skype with my psychologist. We had a nice laugh about "overwhelming evidence" of capitalism being the reason for mental illness.

So, I banned CurbStomp, Santafairy and hiems from my blog. Those guys are a waste of space. I don't know if they can still read this or they just can't post? Oh well. Que sera sera. Good riddance.

My life has actually been looking up the last couple of days. I have been applying to graduate schools. It's a pain jumping through all the hoops like getting transcripts, getting head shots, getting letters of recommendation, et al. but it has been something to do and I am hesitantly excited at the prospects. There is still a long way to go and I need to get accepted of course but talking about the courses and structure has gotten me fired up a bit. So, it's a slog. Specifically the letters of recommendation. I think I have one person I can count on but don't know beyond that. I need 3 for one of the schools. I figure I just keep taking things a step at a time ya know? I mean something as simple as a headshot is actually kind of annoying to accomplish. I feel like I can't just send them a mac photo booth selfie from a year ago. But I don't really want to go out and do some professional 2 hour shoot either. Oh well. Just 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time. I hesitate to even bring any of this stuff up although I am resolute in following through so far. It feels like an out. It feels like I have outs.

The reason I hesitate to bring it up is similar to my sister not telling anyone she's pregnant. It's still early days but so far everything has been positive. And this isn't really the most supportive website in the world. I would actually think that most on here have good wishes for my well being but some rotten apples can spoil the vibes. Hopefully, discarding some of the rotten apples will have a positive impact.

So, that's how I spend my days: Apply places, go for walks... at night I DESPAIR when there is nothing to do. I am trying not to buy literally anything this month. My Calibre/Kindle isn't working so no new books. DESPAIR! No more canvases and I don't want to paint over any of the painted ones at this point. DESPAIR! So, all I really have is Liquid Poker. Now, there is a scary thought.

I am not really thrilled with the schools outside of my top 3. I might just apply to my top 3 and if I don't get in it wasn't meant to be. Dunno if that is GTO strat or not.

So, yeah, maybe my life is going somewhere? I really don't know. It feels like the margins are always so damn slim for a guy like me. I would definitely enjoy learning in a grad school environment. I would really enjoy spending my time helping people. I think I have to give it my best shot and see what happens.

I also just thought about this tangent my dad went on tonight to give you a taste of what I've been dealing with.

"So, I was looking up violence and African-American on African-American violence is the highest. So, like I've been saying what happens when there is an African-American family fighting another African-American family with guns and the bullets are flying? What is the cop supposed to do? Oh, and I'm also surprised the Latino violence wasn't higher. I guess maybe they use knives. Yeah, they use knives. Knives are their modus operandi."

dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to? do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement? i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot.

i also had trouble with the letters of rec. i needed 3 for each program, with at least 2 being professors. i had to go back and take classes at unlv and join some research labs to get strong letters before applying. if you are willing to play the longer game, thats a pretty good route to take if you have the time.

I can help fix your Kindle issue, what is it? Most likely you can just reinstall Calibre and use the cable transfer method though.

On June 04 2020 09:23 PoorUser wrote: dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to?

MA in Counseling

do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement?

Yes

i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot.

i also had trouble with the letters of rec. i needed 3 for each program, with at least 2 being professors. i had to go back and take classes at unlv and join some research labs to get strong letters before applying. if you are willing to play the longer game, thats a pretty good route to take if you have the time.

Hmmmm. I guess I will have to think about that.

On June 04 2020 09:31 Loco wrote: I can help fix your Kindle issue, what is it? Most likely you can just reinstall Calibre and use the cable transfer method though.

I dl from libgen.is to my Calibre everything is good.

It converts it fine when I send to my Kindle. "Sending email to..."

I'm running Calibre 3.48 because my Mac is OSX El Capitan version 10.11.6

Everything is fine until:

send: AUTH
reply: '535 Authentication credentials invalidrn'
reply: retcode (535); Msg: Authentication credentials invalid

Sending failed...

Then it just cycles through that until Calibre says Job: "Email x to y" failed with error:

Traceback (most recent call last):
File "site-packages/calibre/gui2/threaded_jobs.py", line 84, in start_work
File "site-packages/calibre/gui2/email.py", line 101, in __call__
SMTPAuthenticationError: (535, 'Authentication credentials invalid')

Email option isn't the only option. USB cable transfer should always work when email fails. You just plug it in your Mac, wait a few seconds, select your book, and press the Send to Kindle button (or Send to Device) that appears in the top row.

You might have to use a different email if you want to fix that, I also had to in the past. The best one for Calibre is a GMX email. Just follow a guide for doing this, it's easy enough. https://manual.calibre-ebook.com/faq.html#i-cannot-send-emails-using-calibre

Thank you!

My cable is dodgy but it still works. I'm back in action.

Feel a little sick I threw like a hundo away at Amazon for no reason. I once spent $3,000 in a sitting on iTunes back in the day all on songs and albums. I once spent.... I don't even want to get started on that game. The nausea is oncoming.

ask for a refund