Into the Future

To be honest I don't really know the specifics of climate crisis. It is easy to see that there are limits to growth. I am sure there are many models out there that show one thing or another but I am not convinced there is any model that is not inherently missing some variable here or there to predict the future. Perhaps there are some scientists who can get pretty close. The problem is they are drowned out by right wing idiots and papers backed by Exxon. The alarmist liberals and left wingers more or less making shit up is probably not helping either.

This fantasy that I have of growing a massive crypto portfolio and buying land with access to water in Canada is simply that, a fantasy. What I really need to know is when are the super hurricanes and flooding going to ruin my parents' house? They are looking at upgrading to a new home when maybe it would be wiser to flee to somewhere up North. If not Canada, why not a Midwestern suburb near family?

The fossil fuels industry will destroy us all. There is not enough lithium. The cobalt is already a problem.

I got caught in a good vibe today driving around getting food. Burial came out with a new EP 2 days ago with Blackdown. It's what I would want to listen to in a small warehouse on good ecstasy with strange friends and friendly strangers. Burial would have preferred to be anonymous but the press leaked his identity because they are pieces of shit. Regardless, Burial does not make any public appearances including live shows. Which makes me think who would I want to go see live and take good ecstasy into the future?

- Nicolas Jaar
- Stimming
- DJ Koze

I don't know. This seroquel is starting to hit me heavy.

I don't think I have a problem with using good ecstasy for a special occasion now that I am not accountable to AA. It is a slippery slope for sure. I am also not that happy with psychiatrists or the institution of psychology. The only thing they ever do is just give me more and more medications. At this point I am on like supplemental medication for the supplemental medication for the higher doses of the "core" medication and still get shitty side effects. I see no end to this shit unless I do something about it but I don't know what to do and it seems like every doctor I come across is programmed a certain way. I have a native friend that told me my "mental illness" that people see as something bad or wrong with me would be attempted to be honed in his tribe's culture. I do believe that what I have can be honed to a certain extent. Who knows what is possible?

I don't believe there is anyway to "fix" me. Whether that is what the DSM-5 says about me, my addiction issues, emotional baggage, whatever. I can do my best to know myself and cultivate myself and generally meander about and I believe that is about it.

Do I think there is value to this blog for me?

Not really. It is simply copium. My first instinct was to write a long crazy rant to a supportive friend but I did not want to do that on a Sunday night when she has a long day of work tomorrow.

It's really not all that close that I should not be spending basically any time on this website. YouTube is closer. I am working towards setting up my life in a way that I come here very rarely if at all and just check up on YouTube every now and again. I know that I just said I don't believe that I can "fix" myself but there is a difference between trying to change some interconnected trauma versus finding other things to do than give large chunks of my attention to Alphabet Inc.

I don't know what is determined and what is free will in my life. I used to get asked to give 1 hour speeches to large groups of people about how I stopped drinking. There is a certain language that gets conditioned in everyone on how to go about things. Basically, parrot Bill Wilson and the speaker can't go wrong. To be honest, I have ideas on how I have been sober for as long as I have been but in reality I don't know. There is a lot I don't know about consciousness and existence.

I do know that I get tired and sleeping helps with that.
I do know that I get hungry and eating helps with that.
Then what?

then nothing

sleeping and eating might be enough


how long have u been sober? no cheats?

how do i pay for shelter and food?

I am thinking I either get disability which my general doctor advised me to try and get or I kill myself at this point.

I have been sober for a little less than 7.1111 years.

It's weird. Thinking back it doesn't feel like there were any close calls. First year was shaky as fuck though. I remember I said fuck it and went to Paris. I think I was probably panging for some French red wine with some of the meals but it wasn't really like that. Then I came back and went to work and wanted to kill myself really badly. In each scenario it was more like I was just very uncomfortable, depressed, empty, and/or in a doomer/the doomed mode. So, the years kind of all just blend together at this point and it's not like anyone wants me to go month to month. I think at certain points (including right now) if Jessa in Brooklyn would have called me up saying she had the purest molly in NYC, 2 tickets to Leon Vynehall, and to bring some viagra I don't know if I would say no.

So, I really don't know where it will come from or what grace keeps me clean and sober. I also do not know what will happen now that I am not accountable to AA anymore.

The thing is though even though I have not drank or used over the last 7.1111 years if there was assisted suicide available I am not sure I would still be in this dimension. I think many in AA would label me a "dry drunk" but the fact of the matter is I don't want what AA has to offer and I need more than what AA offers.

One thing interesting about me being in doomer mode is that my liver is messed up again. When I quit drinking my liver was super messed up but after time passed it regenerated to a normal level. No one knows what is wrong with it this time yet. I have an appointment with a special specialist next week. I was in the shower the other day wondering if I want inoperable cancer?

The suicidal ideations have been strong lately but I keep wondering how I would feel if my liver is full of inoperable cancer cells and I have 6 months to 18 months to live.

The other week I had the idea that I could be the next Fred Hampton then I avoided saying hi to my neighbors as I walked to my car.

You have 2 options.

1. Have sex with Loco and receive $1,000,000

2. Receive nothing.

Which do you choose?

On May 07 2021 14:33 hiems wrote: You have 2 options. 1. Have sex with Loco and receive $1,000,000 2. Receive nothing. Which do you choose?

this is like the twilight zone ep where the guy cuts his vocal cords out and the other guy is broke at the end of the bet

I'm New Here by Gil Scott Heron and Jamie XX came up on my Spotify algorithm today and it always reminds me of a different time. A time when I was new to Lillz, Indiana. An exciting time. A nervous time. I didn't know if I could make it in the big leagues professionally. I started crushing pretty quickly and probably thought pretty highly of myself in some regards and always felt shitty about myself in other regards. A lot of people told me I had to check out this one bar in the next town over. So, I go over there and I belly up to the bar and I am just taking everything in and the bartender who greets me resembles Scarlett Johanson but is more attractive. She is so attractive that my plan is just be fun and funny. I was doing pretty well at this time but it's not like I was some dominant Christian Grey character that could whisk a woman like this away and take her on a plane ride. I drove a used Chevy Equinox and lived in an ok apartment in Lillz, Indiana. My plan was to start hitting up this bar relatively consistently to get to know people but I was drinking with customers a lot so that plan didn't come to fruition. The next time I went though she remembered me and that made me feel good. There was some after party probably for a wedding of a group of "cool kids." I had the idea that I would buy the whole party Patron tequila shots so I did but then I decided to make it anonymous because I didn't actually want to go over there and talk to anyone. I typically always tip 25% so I think it ended up working out nicely that I was tipping the dude bartender the same on a big order as I tip the hot babes. The bartenders started giving me free drinks and we would take shots together. I set it up very well and it was a lot of fun but I was meeting people on multiple fronts. I remember telling myself that I had to stop ending up getting blasted with the bartenders and others and driving home but as I was accepted into different social spheres I was drinking and drinking and driving even more. It became a routine to drive home hammered on main roads, stop at Popeye's Chicken, order while slurring my words, get back in my car and drive home. I am lucky I never went to jail (yet).

I always wanted to pull the original bartender Sara aside and ask her why she is working in a piece of shit bar in a piece of shit town but I think the answer is that that is just what ended up happening. The fact that she didn't seem to care made me think that maybe I had a little bit of a chance with her. Who knows? It's crazy though. I was dating doctors, lawyers, and getting booty call text messages and in 2020 the most action I got was flirting with the cashier at McDonalds or drunk sorority chicks on my walk at the beach. There was no touch! Except for this one time the cashier at mcdonald's thumb touched my thumb when she handed me my credit card. I would bet that she is an immigrant from India, Pakistan, Bangledesh, or Sri Lanka. I have no idea how to decipher that and honestly she could be from Palestine, Syria, Iran, Yemen, Jordan... Who the fuck knows? I am happy that she is here and I hope she gets a better job(s) soon.

This all kind of ties in to that blog about getting a girlfriend. I still don't think that I will get a girlfriend but I guess it is not outside the realm of possibility. I remember when I was going through Tinder hell my age limits were 24-44. I am almost 40. 24 seems too fucking young. I realize that intellectually there is a chance with a 24 year old but I am not going to hold my breath. On the other end I realized that Halle Berry and Lisa Bonet are 53 and Monica Bellucci is 56. I mean these are 3 of the most beautiful women of a generation but it made me think that it is unwise to just close off the entire 45-55 population. So, what am I looking at today?

First of all, I saw a YouTube video the other day about a woman on some dating type of show where she stated that her type was "fat, bearded, tattooed loser." She was very attractive but covered in tattoos and seemed like she was some kind of doomer girl but I was like where are these women near me?

Also, Bobby Lee on a podcast was talking about how he's not on the main menu. He's not a special, he's not on the main menu but he's on the secret menu that some women love. I think I'm more inline with that. In the past maybe I was on the main menu but not anymore. I'm never going to be a top seller.

I am looking to expand in the cougar, MILF, and big beautiful women categories. This may hurt my chances with the top Tinder profiles but I don't have a shot at that anyways. I honestly still have the capability to go on a date with a beautiful 28 year old doctor and have good conversation, make them laugh, and have fun but she's typically going to want 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a swimming pool and that is just the start of the incompatibility. It's not like I have forgotten how to kiss, eat pussy, or get high. I just have to find the kind of women that we can split a thai hot red curry and get some mangos and sticky rice and just do whatever and not care that I am a loser by societal standards. I need to find my doomer girl...

I may have found my doomer girl! We are regs down at the beach walkers association. She always wears black yoga pants and a black sports bra. She's always charging off with a bottle of water in her hand. She is probably too attractive to be a doomer girl. She looks like SSSniperWolf. But, even when I am walking along all doomer virgin style thinking about killing myself I think about Dr. David Smail's 2nd Law:

"Everyone feels different inside (less confident, less able, etc.) from how they infer other people to feel."

So, every time she goes charging off it makes me think that she is running from something but maybe that is projection. When we walk past each other it is not like she has some goddess like gait staring aloofly at the horizon. I will never say hi to her while we are walking though. That is one of those I will say hi to her if I see her at the bar situations except I almost never go to bars anymore.

I feel like people say stuff to me more often than I would think it would happen. It is typically 3 things: My beard, some band t-shirt I'm wearing, or my tattoos. There is also a kind of drunk woman or group of women on vacation that almost transcend ice breakers. The other day there was a group of women that wouldn't stop flirting with me that I thought they were going to invite me back to their house for drinks. Back in the day I would have been excited to put on the charm and see what develops. It's a shame I don't really court serendipity or dive into the absurd adventure anymore. Anyways, positive interactions with people are a good sign and maybe a reason to not kill myself yet.

As far as icebreakers go nothing has ever surpassed when I would walk my beautiful golden retriever. That was fucking insane. My parents didn't want him anymore though so my sister has him. *sad face*

I go for a walk on the beach everyday. It is interesting as the beach has become much more populated. I realized I am seeing a large amount of women in almost nothing. From age 12 to say 22 I think almost all of the women I saw naked or close to it were Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models and strippers. That is ridiculous. Then I started having sex. Then I got bit by the PUA bug and I am going for only HB 9.5s and above or some stupid shit like that. Thankfully, I ditched PUA but even Seinfeld had a good take on that situation with George and him keeping that picture in his wallet which got him access to the beautés. The truth is that HB 9.5+ is a club and getting some good fucks in with 1 HB 9.5+ unlocks many of the others which will unlock many of the others. With that said, there is really no way for me to get access to women who are so attractive that they have access to whatever they want. My point is that all these walks that I am taking and all these women that I see are normalizing what normal people look like. I would be happy to date many of these women including the cellulite, stretch marks, bad tit jobs, no tits, all the shapes and sizes. I mean whatever dude. It doesn't go for everyone though. The other day there was this women in a bikini who was probably 500 lbs. To make matters worse she had this giant towel with "Liberty or Death" at the top, the snake in the middle and the "Don't Tread On Me" at the bottom. Not a fan but I get it. I am broke and fat. One of the few joys of my day is overeating cheap high calorie density foods. Sad but true. To get as big as 500+ lbs. is a sickness though.

Rikd you should buy one of these sex dolls.

I have never even had a fleshlight. I don't think I am against sex toys for men but it also seems like it might complicate things for no good reason. Do I really want to maintain a sex doll?

Actually having a sex doll and taking it seriously is entering a level of incel NEETdom I am not sure I am comfortable with.

I found out today that I have at least non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). I am headed for another ultrasound to see if it is liver cancer or cirrhosis. I suppose it is also possible it could be hepatitis but that never came up in STD tests. I never shot heroin or anything like that. I suppose I'm cool with biopsies but as of right now I'm not really interested in liver transplants or if it's inoperable doing shit like chemo and radiation. I will just let myself die. Hopefully, with out too many bad symptoms. I think I read about fatigue, nausea, and pain... Lovely. I am afraid to kill myself and I am afraid to die in general so I guess we will see what happens. The only thing I can really do at this point is eat a better diet. I am also working on contacting angels (aliens?) and other dimensions but that is more speculative work.

On May 10 2021 21:34 RiKD wrote: Actually having a sex doll and taking it seriously is entering a level of incel NEETdom I am not sure I am comfortable with.

you're right make sure your sex doll understands it's just a casual fling

On May 11 2021 02:11 RiKD wrote: I found out today that I have at least non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). I am headed for another ultrasound to see if it is liver cancer or cirrhosis. I suppose it is also possible it could be hepatitis but that never came up in STD tests. I never shot heroin or anything like that. I suppose I'm cool with biopsies but as of right now I'm not really interested in liver transplants or if it's inoperable doing shit like chemo and radiation. I will just let myself die. Hopefully, with out too many bad symptoms. I think I read about fatigue, nausea, and pain... Lovely. I am afraid to kill myself and I am afraid to die in general so I guess we will see what happens. The only thing I can really do at this point is eat a better diet. I am also working on contacting angels (aliens?) and other dimensions but that is more speculative work.

Edit : nvm

Is ESP possible in this dimension in our lifetimes?

Would it be a Professor X situation, a Big Brother from 1984 situation, or maybe a subtle, undetectable angel or alien situation?

Do angels exist?

Not in the form of some blonde lady with blue eyes in a long, white robe with a halo and angel wings but maybe someone that can travel between dimensions or a Himmel über Berlin situation. Do people embody the spirit of an angel when they are benevolently guiding someone through life at some point in life?

In infinite infinities other entities must exist. What if the octopus or the dolphin are actually already more intelligent in their habitats than us? Will there be contact with extraterrestrials or is there already subtle contact our senses cannot detect?

Anybody have the details on the simulation?

My Truman Show boat has hit the wall but I don't have all of the knowledge. I am doing my best to swerve through the mosquitos and false information but I need your help.

At the very least it is more fun to attempt to discuss some of this stuff than think about falling in love, killing myself, or dying in the next 2 years from liver cancer or a car accident or whatever. I might not make it to 40 bruvs! We'll see how I'm feelin' on 4/4/22. We gotta' make this time count.

Octopus Teacher on Netflix is fire

what if intelligence and adaptedness are not synonyms

Would Jesus kill a cockroach?

From my readings the Buddha would not kill a cockroach.

I don't really know anything about Judaism or Islam. Apparently it is ok for zionists to commit genocide though.

I read part of the Bhagavad Gita a while ago. A wise elephant god with 4 arms is kinda krunk.

Why did the cockroach have to crawl all over my foot?

It had the whole house to crawl around in.

Buddhists wouldn't kill anything afaik. Jesus's dad was slaughtering people like the are cockroaches and Jesus is technically his own dad so you tell me

I always thought the part of the story where a virgin is giving birth was kind of weird. I mean it is god so I guess anything goes. I like the character of Jesus though. I even love the part where Jesus realizes what is going to happen to him and he is overwhelmed and goes down to his knees to pray "Thy will be done" and moves along. I have mostly been a No God, No Masters type even to the point that I was considering getting Russian prison tattoos of stars on my knees meaning I don't hit my knees for anyone. There is something to the delusion of "Fear in god means fear in nothing else" or "Thy will be done" being a nice mantra as if we can give our will up to some benevolent entity and everything will turn out ok including being accepted in some form of extraterrestrial paradise.

On a completely different note, the other day I had a dream where Riley Reid and myself were in a relationship but we broke up amicably. In real life, I game with a group of family and friends and it is the most fun that I have had in Covid. In the dream, Riley was cuttin' up and part of the gang and it felt so real and normal. She was friends with my sisters. It was like some 2021 Seinfeld and Elaine shit.

A lot of crazy shit has been happening in my life recently. It is difficult to digest it all. My GI doctor wanted me to get a better ultrasound on my liver. So, I went downtown to get it done. They wanted almost $2,222 up front. I said no. They kept doing everything in their power to negotiate so that I would stay and get the ultrasound including putting it on my tab with financial aid. I told them that I apologize for cancelling my appointment last minute but I can't afford it and walked out. So, it leaves me in a strange place. If I just have fatty tissue and scarring and whatever else terminology the doctors use what does that mean?

Cirrhosis I have 10 years?
Liver cancer I have less than 5 years?
Getting a new liver buys me some time if it goes well?

When does the fatigue, nausea, and pain kick in and how bad is it?

If I can't afford a fucking ultrasound then how in the hell am I going to afford a liver transplant?

I woke up this morning feelin' like maybe I do want to live past 55. Not sure if I am going to make it there. Facing death in a more real way does bring more appreciation and joy for life. Valar morghulis.

On May 20 2021 05:49 RiKD wrote: Would Jesus kill a cockroach? From my readings the Buddha would not kill a cockroach. I don't really know anything about Judaism or Islam. Apparently it is ok for zionists to commit genocide though. I read part of the Bhagavad Gita a while ago. A wise elephant god with 4 arms is kinda krunk. Why did the cockroach have to crawl all over my foot? It had the whole house to crawl around in.

Your foot is included in the house so the cockroach can't say he crawled in the whole house until he's crawled on your foot

Confucius.jpg