Go Fuck Yourself. - Page 3

Yea but fwiw it's by household not by person. I think with household it's pretty easy with dual income.

all right fair enough, not sure why im opposing that stat so much

Having the capabilities to torture, maim, and kill without being accountable for it is basically power.

If your "Team" can persuade or whack the other guy that is basically power.

There is no scale up from torture (especially in the sense of an out-sourced Gitmo), maiming, and killing but there can be a scale down which means there is a scale down. I saw it in corporate situations all of the time.

There is more too this obviously but I have to clean my room before solving the world's problems. Shining my light on my corner before shining bright like Sirius is actually very good advice. Jordan Peterson is not completely wrong but then again he starts getting more wrong when he says to put my life in order before thinking about any sort of activism. Who the fuck's life is totally in order at any given time? Not Peterson's............ anyway........ ciao

The ultimate form of power is someone or some people soft persuading others to do things that the others think they are doing out of their own freedom and autonomy.

Ex. Someone working 70 hours a week because they think they can get a bonus and move into an apartment in a better location. Not quite alive and not quite dead there are a lot of questions that should be asked about motivations and desires. The amount that corporate totalitarian rulers extract out of the wage slave force from bottom all the way up to VPs and Presidents is crazy.

All of this can be found in The Burnout Society and What is Power? by Byung-Chul Han. Pretty short essays relative to what is typically found in philosophy and social critique sections. The Burnout Society could be read in one sitting if you get into it. What is Power? took me a little longer to digest everything. I seem to always be stopping by to promote Han's work but it is necessary to understand the world today.

Clearly, do this or we break your knee caps is extremely persuasive but not as persuasive as someone just doing what you want plus more all of the time.

I think most people can wrap their heads around the deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain. Maybe not but it seems that people freak out over the death of Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, and Kate Spade. It always seems like older people that still have for some reason not faced the fact that humans can end their own lives. I understand all of the suicides. Even Prince. It could still happen that I want some Fentanyl relief and it gets away from me or I plan on killing myself with Fentanyl. It does not seem like a bad way to go to be honest. Lately, I have been more thinking about suicidal tendencies than actual ideations. I always joke about not living past 55. I honestly think the over/under is lower like 49. Even if I decide to get a liver transplant it's not looking good for me. It also seems like as the years go on when I think about suicide I am constantly improving my plan. It is constantly getting honed. I am more in the court of wishing I was never born. There is something kind of beautiful about being so down and out. I literally just don't give a fuck about so much. To the point that I have cut off contact with any GI doctors. I was listening to Bob Marley & The Wailers on my drive to the beach today and it just felt so perfect. I know that is how Bob felt at times even under tremendous pressure and stress. Why should I not just eat better and exercise more and not see a GI doctor?
I'm really going to get a transplant? It is easy to be brave talking about this now. It is much more real to have a doctor say that I will die in 2-5 years if I don't get a transplant. It's easy to push that decision off until it needs to be made. I'm certainly not going to go on record and say because Bob Marley didn't treat his cancer and died that I am going to do the same because "Jah will protect me." Although, there is also some beauty to that philosophy.

It's like I am at the point where there is enough that keeps me in the game that I am ok with blasting myself with some Trazidone, et al. and waking up to see what the next day brings me. I am on more medications than I have ever been on. I have no ideas that alcohol is somehow a better medication. It is not. Sometimes I get ideas that crumbling some good herb in a bowl could help eliminate some of these medications but my psychiatrists don't think so. I can't have any fun anymore. I mean all of this is what the drugs are for except for the fact I can't do drugs anymore. It seems like there are enough exciting things to do instead of drugs but I wonder what happens when that is not the case. I also think I have trained my brain to think about the future more than immediate gratification but that is only true to a point. If I want to drink a Pacifico and smoke a joint on the beach that is now appeal but I have enough conditioning to know it's not worth the risk. Whereas I have at least bad fatty liver disease yet I see Naked Chicken Chalupas at Taco Bell and lose my shit and buy the store out of them. Alcohol brings me compulsive misery, pain, hospitals, jails, death. Taco Bell just seems to bring me happiness but it also brings me death just more slyly and slowly.

It is kind of a sad way to die just gorging oneself on food. But, I think I care so little about myself right now that I don't really care what way I go. Although it's weird because it doesn't feel like my insides and/or soul is rotting in any sort of way. I think going for a walk on the beach like Stone Cold Steve Austin or Michael Jordan game 6 is a little ridiculous. Trying to pick up women at the beach is pretty pathetic. I watched some video recently of a pick up master bragging about how he's had 5,000 makeouts.... ROFL. It was brutally cringe.

It now might be time for me to slam my 3 or 4 sleep, depression, anxiety medicines. This is what it has come too. Hopefully, I can wake up tomorrow and the day will be ok. I'm not even sure if any of my credit cards work anymore. I've been eating bread, eggs, and bananas.

Are you at some level reasoning that since you're planning to potentially choose to end your own life, you may as well get a crapton of credit cards and have a party going into insane debt before you check out? Have you thought about how this affects the people borrowing to you or your family/friends?

Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

I have 2 credit cards. One has a limit. The other "doesn't have a limit" yet it clearly does. I would not be able to get any more credit at this point from credit cards. I even posted this here earlier that there is no version of a Visa card that would accept my application and not only would I get denied by going on record with my financial situation would only end up hurting my credit which used to be very good.

I could maybe rack up $15,000 of debt on a "going away" party but that is silly. I like parties but I don't like parties. I'm not going to trash my parents' place because they still enjoy life. And, actually, I couldn't probably rack up that much. Both credit card companies are texting and calling me about how my accounts need attention. I am being watched closely at this point.

I mean that's all I really want from people at this point:

- What do I do with the credit card debt?

My plan is to pay what I can and hopefully still slip small transactions through. Sometimes I need to eat. Sometimes my car needs gas. I have been trying to hole up here in the house and eat bread, eggs, and bananas but that is a bleak life. Doing something stupid even though my mental health is not all there for even just $100/day seems more reasonable than starving myself and playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to pass the time. Both are pretty terrible lives but the ladder is just stupid. Well, they are both stupid. The real downside to the ladder is that trying to force myself to play TLOZ:BOTW for 10 hours a day just seems ridiculous while like standing around in retail for 8 hours is also ridiculous at least I could maybe fill up my gas tank and eat something...... What a fucking bleak existence.... I could busk for monies downtown but I am not sure if that is allowed and while my voice is probably good enough I am not good enough at the guitar yet.

- Should I attempt to extract my 401k monies and pay a 10% penalty + taxes?

Jelle, you may have mentioned the right thing to do earlier and get on reddit and see what comes of that.

On July 16 2021 15:54 Jelle wrote: Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

Looking back on my poker career life tilt was more influential than tilt at the tables and in a lot of ways it was part of the reason I didn't play as many hands as others. I remember I had like $12,000 and was very comfortable at 2/4. I made $14,000 and then I was extremely comfortable at 2/4. Any loss less than $14,000 just seemed like nothing to me. I remember later I had like $75k online and was playing 3/6. I lost $9,000 in a day and that wasn't even really much tilt. Yeah, it felt a little gross but it really didn't. But, I remember trying to be a reg at 5/10 and I would lose a quick $4,000 and that pissed me off more. I remember the first time I lost $10,000 FAST at higher stakes I actually didn't care. It felt like I was paying my dues. That quick bath in the blood allowed me to start having $25,000+ winning days. Life tilt and PLO-tilt can be a wicked combo though. I don't think there is anything anyone could have done. I have respect for anyone that can play 2/4 and 25/50 at the same skill level. I actually pulled it off for a while and came back from the dead but doing stupid things with bankroll has a risk of ruin of 100% on a long enough timeline. It is kind of a similar situation. I had tons of friends and/or business people that wanted a piece of my action but I always thought I would never do that and I did never do that. Edges can be hard to judge on the fly. Losing $50,000 in a 25/50 game can be kind of jarring but it does not matter if someone has another $50,000 and the discipline to grind. If every game looks juicy no matter what it could be true which it more or less was true when I was playing in those PLO games. Even if durrrr, omgclayaiken, patrik antonius, harrington10, and guy are in the game it's like "oh, cool, guy is in the game, maybe I can learn something with out losing a university education to Stanford value of money." But, PLO is a little different than Hold 'em. There is a lot I could write here.

I will just say I don't like taking money from anyone. My parents are the easiest but it still sucks. No one is getting a ROI. If they give me money it is a gift that I will try to pay back and a gift that I will hopefully always remember and respect. Or... I guess I would take any loan if it was less % apr than my credit cards.

I was thinking about thinking today. I don't get good walks in as far as contemplation for a while now. It seemed ok as things starting blooming in spring and full blooms in summer but now it is just hot and way too many people. In January the only other zoids on the beach were birds and I love birds. Now, it is, ooof, watch the tide, watch that kid, oh shit watch that frisbee, oh shit, oh shit, wow, that is a large inflatable pink flamingo raft, damn, that is a nice ass, that is like an ass of Venus... it seems people like larger asses now, is it because we are all fatter down here? Fried chicken, sweet tea, foodie ice cream, many people drink too much alcohol down here. Fried chicken, beer, and foodie ice cream is a trifecta of fattiness. It is true that a certain body fat % range exists for esthétique..... and on and on and on....... Median attractive woman is actually extremely attractive down here. That is disregarding women over 55 and overly fat women and whatever else. It's sad but I do disregard them. Whatever. I start thinking too much about woman and attractive women and it's just silly. Monica Bellucci is almost 55 but am I really going to date Monica Bellucci? That's almost 20 years difference. When she is 65 I will be 47...... I think it works a little better for Lisa Bonet who is 53 and she can pick up a hunk like Jason Momoa who is 41. That is still pretty crazy but I guess it just works sometimes.

THE MAIN POINT I was thinking about is that I would have a lot of Nietzsche days, good days, in January or whenever. It's not still lakes, breezey trees, and giant, young mountains of the Swiss Alps but an empty beach in January is the shit. There are technically 2 more months of the summer and it feels like it's too much.

It's a race against the Trazidone. I think I will read a book. P E A C E

I had a dream last night that I was on this fun cruise. I hate cruises and will never go on one but waiting in line there were a lot of attractive women, fun looking people, etc. So, the young'ish people are at this killer rave and I am enjoying it until I get kidnapped. They tell the people on the cruise that I am depraved and now them torturing me is the entertainment. So, this guy is sexually assaulting me and basically water boarding me (simulated drowning) and the worst part is that everyone is loving it. The even worse part is I can hear all of their thoughts. My parents are too concerned with drinking and conversation to even notice. The only person who cares is my sister who is horrified. He forces me to let him cum in my mouth and hold it twice. Then we are in water so everyone can see the cum drift out of my mouth and into the water. He says the next time I am the punching bag and it will be really fun. It felt like I was trapped in some really fucked up Gaspar Noé film which I literally was since this shit was vivid. Then I woke up and saw the sun coming through the blinds and was happy to have arrived at a new consciousness. I made some coffee, had a regular shit, texted some people, and made some grits. I am now less likely to go on a cruise.

si knows of the simulation's signals....

i thought that i was the only I