I like to write. I like the clicking of the keyboard. It is a bit psychotic to constantly write to myself on an open forum though. I am dissatisfied. I don't know what to do. The thought of playing poker ruminates. I buy a Trezor wallet instead. I don't trust blockchain.com. That is not security. I think about how the current season is probably a good season to buy BTC. I don't really want any BTC though. My Trezor wallet can break or I lose it somehow. I lose the seed phrases somehow.
I don't want to live life just chasing flow states or just wanting to feel good. Good puss is good for about 15-20 min. then what? Ok, ok. There is fun in the seduction stages. The build up. The anticipation. Some real good puss has got me walking a little bit more fierce and standing a little taller for a couple of days. I suppose there is some sort of positive feedback loop that can be good for life in all of this. It's better than sitting in a darkened room hunching over the keyboard writing nonsense for God's sakes.
I tried to fill myself up with some poker tonight but the site is still down for me. I just want to play some damn poker is all.
Filling myself up is certainly not achievable with poker. That is a terrible idea but getting involved and playing some hands and working out strategies is a fun thing to do.
It's hard to know what to do sometimes when the dissatisfaction hits. I suppose I lucked out and came across ContraPoints new video which in a way relates to my recent problems. Drugs are not an option so I mostly turn to good novels and sleep. I suppose drugs are an option but one I have written off. I don't think God or prayer is going to save me. I don't have to find my peace in a lie as Bill Callahan says.
I'm just doing a little brainstorming before I read a good novel and go to sleep. That is one of the few things I have found that works lately. I get a decent amount of socialization at work but not the really rich stuff that is possible when I am more free. I think as far as good puss goes that is cool and all but what most people really yearn for is companionship and love. Love can not be the end all answer though because love is messy and heartbreak hurts. The agony of Eros (Byung-Chul Han). There is no end all answer. Life is tough and then we die. I think what people really want is a smooth day. In the midst's of a fast life there is an inherent tiredness. Though a bored life is no fun. People are different too. I am old enough and wise enough that I don't need to be playing high stakes poker by day and partying by night. Occasional nights out are fine with the right people. As I said, I don't want to be in this darkened room hunched over a keyboard too often but some nights that's where I want to be.
I hope that my co-workers caught up a bit with things down at the fashion store on my day off. It's never fun to walk into a shitstorm.
There are always hopes and wants in my life. They are ongoing and changing. I feel like at this point in my life I just need a good anime. Like a Studio Ghibli I haven't seen or something like Ghost in the Shell or Akira. I don't know. Who knows? Not God. "He" is dead and we killed him. I would like to go to a rave. Like a really heavy techno rave. I would like to go to a punk show. I don't know if I can manage to break out. I've come close but I just can't seem to do it. It makes me wonder if I really do like people more than things. That is probably the question that would turn me from just barely more autistic than normal to man, I might be autistic autistic. I am an overly empathetic and sensitive person though so that doesn't check out and I do think that I like being social and I like people more than things. I easily get obsessed with things and I love numbers. I figured out how to count cards at blackjack and kelly bet. That made me happier than the guy in Memento when he found John G. The dealer and floor person clocked me at green chip blackjack since I wasn't even attempting to hide my bets. It's just more fun to have x edge and slide on a stack of greens versus diminish bet sizes. There is no real hope doing it solo anyways unless you are very good. The hourly is not great and it gets tougher to hide moving up stakes. Plus, one has to be a maniac to try and count cards full-time.
So, now that poker is not an option unless I want to try ACR which I'm not sure if I do I'm back to the drawing board. My life is strange and it does not feel like I am living it to the fullest but this little bubble is cozy.
I really think you would benefit from listening to Goggins' audiobook. Life is essentially about evolution. For us, that's self-overcoming. The task is essentially this: using your dissatisfaction and transforming yourself through it, so that you can like the person you see in the mirror a little bit more than you did yesterday or last week. Figuring out what to do to make this happen is not that difficult, what's difficult is committing to it. Goggins took that to an extreme level, bordering on the insane, but there's much to learn from that, and he could spark the changes that you've been unable to make in your current state.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
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hiems United States. Jun 03 2022 15:10. Posts 2979
On June 03 2022 04:50 Loco wrote:
I really think you would benefit from listening to Goggins' audiobook. Life is essentially about evolution. For us, that's self-overcoming. The task is essentially this: using your dissatisfaction and transforming yourself through it, so that you can like the person you see in the mirror a little bit more than you did yesterday or last week. Figuring out what to do to make this happen is not that difficult, what's difficult is committing to it. Goggins took that to an extreme level, bordering on the insane, but there's much to learn from that, and he could spark the changes that you've been unable to make in your current state.
True commitment is important.
Say what u want about loco but he has committed to his "loco technique" for years.
Imo likewise I have committed to my own strategy.
Its better to really commit to something than to half-ass some thing. Look at your poker project which failed miserably. You wernt committed at all. In fact you were just using it as a ruse to interact with people.
The problem with committing to non-capitalism type stuff is sort of that you are heading right into an eye of an hurricane. Its pretty difficult to maintain this long term. Ppl like loco, jlost, tutz, yourself will say namaste blah blah blah but deep inside I don't think its genuine.
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
On June 03 2022 04:50 Loco wrote:
I really think you would benefit from listening to Goggins' audiobook. Life is essentially about evolution. For us, that's self-overcoming. The task is essentially this: using your dissatisfaction and transforming yourself through it, so that you can like the person you see in the mirror a little bit more than you did yesterday or last week. Figuring out what to do to make this happen is not that difficult, what's difficult is committing to it. Goggins took that to an extreme level, bordering on the insane, but there's much to learn from that, and he could spark the changes that you've been unable to make in your current state.
What is the significance of the audiobook? I already read his book.
Ah, well, he's adding a little bit to the content of the book by being basically interviewed by his ghost writer in-between chapters or something. And well, it's Goggins. You get to have him in your ears. He's like the authoritarian father that you can choose to have whenever you've been too self-indulgent and it's time to clean your shit up.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
I have lost weight and continue to do so. I don't even qualify for the military due to my age and mental illness and would not want to join anyways. I have no desire to run ultra-marathons. I don't have this reverence for Goggins that you do. It is true that there is some magic in that first transformation from fat fuck working a shitty (literally) job and overcoming that but as far as I can tell therapy and just natural things happening in my life is what gives me any sort of spark.
It doesn't matter what you choose to commit to. Goggins chose running because it worked for him. Because he hates running. Pick something else you hate and struggle against it without constantly flip-flopping and making excuses, and you've solved nearly every problem you think you have. It's easy on paper but hard in practice, and that is why you're not doing it. You're defaulting back to poker because it's familiar and easy, not because you hate it and you're committing to become very good at it. Your words: "it's fun". Also your words: "I don't want my life to just be about chasing fun times." And indeed, why would you? It's an infantilizing life. Infantile and narcissistic. But clearly if you have these thoughts then you can't deny that you are thirsty for some kind of Sysiphean journey, a challenge you can always turn to. That's why I'm saying it's worth taking Goggins seriously, because that man is not about fun, and we live in a world filled with fun and self-indulgence, and you rank at the top of that hierarchy or else you wouldn't be constantly writing to yourself on here, so don't tell me the "natural flow of your life" is all you need.
What you need above all are constant reality checks and personal accountability. And that is not unique to you, it is something you share with everyone else who suffers from bipolar disorder. You're all driving cars that don't have a mirror that shows your blind spot, and you're all saying "there's no blind spot" or, "nothing's dangerous about that". I know it's not fun to admit but it's the hand you've been dealt. You need people to keep your thoughts in check and you need medication to improve your neurochemistry. And Goggins is useful because he can be a constant reminder that you're giving a very small % of what you could be giving at any given moment towards improving yourself.
It's no wonder Contrapoints is a dissatisfied drunk. She's a rich narcissist and she's continuously rewarded for it, what the hell could motivate her to change?
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
On June 03 2022 04:50 Loco wrote:
I really think you would benefit from listening to Goggins' audiobook. Life is essentially about evolution. For us, that's self-overcoming. The task is essentially this: using your dissatisfaction and transforming yourself through it, so that you can like the person you see in the mirror a little bit more than you did yesterday or last week. Figuring out what to do to make this happen is not that difficult, what's difficult is committing to it. Goggins took that to an extreme level, bordering on the insane, but there's much to learn from that, and he could spark the changes that you've been unable to make in your current state.
True commitment is important.
Say what u want about loco but he has committed to his "loco technique" for years.
Imo likewise I have committed to my own strategy.
Its better to really commit to something than to half-ass some thing. Look at your poker project which failed miserably. You wernt committed at all. In fact you were just using it as a ruse to interact with people.
The problem with committing to non-capitalism type stuff is sort of that you are heading right into an eye of an hurricane. Its pretty difficult to maintain this long term. Ppl like loco, jlost, tutz, yourself will say namaste blah blah blah but deep inside I don't think its genuine.
hiems isnt wrong, in the past i was misleading but im a change man. when i say namaste i thoroughly wish u namaste
On June 04 2022 04:53 Loco wrote:
It doesn't matter what you choose to commit to. Goggins chose running because it worked for him. Because he hates running. Pick something else you hate and struggle against it without constantly flip-flopping and making excuses, and you've solved nearly every problem you think you have. It's easy on paper but hard in practice, and that is why you're not doing it. You're defaulting back to poker because it's familiar and easy, not because you hate it and you're committing to become very good at it. Your words: "it's fun". Also your words: "I don't want my life to just be about chasing fun times." And indeed, why would you? It's an infantilizing life. Infantile and narcissistic. But clearly if you have these thoughts then you can't deny that you are thirsty for some kind of Sysiphean journey, a challenge you can always turn to. That's why I'm saying it's worth taking Goggins seriously, because that man is not about fun, and we live in a world filled with fun and self-indulgence, and you rank at the top of that hierarchy or else you wouldn't be constantly writing to yourself on here, so don't tell me the "natural flow of your life" is all you need.
Camus said we should imagine Sisyphus as happy. I don't buy it. We should imagine Sisyphus as having a relatively normal range of emotions. I already have a rock that I hate by the way and that is work. I don't even really know what my claim is here. That I under-rate Goggins? I am not trying to say you over-rate him. Clearly, he has meant something in your struggles with x. I don't buy it that you hate lifting weights. I need more than the natural flow of my life which I didn't say that exactly. Natural sparks like a beautiful woman and whatever motivated me to show up to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or Food Not Bombs, etc.
What you need above all are constant reality checks and personal accountability. And that is not unique to you, it is something you share with everyone else who suffers from bipolar disorder. You're all driving cars that don't have a mirror that shows your blind spot, and you're all saying "there's no blind spot" or, "nothing's dangerous about that". I know it's not fun to admit but it's the hand you've been dealt. You need people to keep your thoughts in check and you need medication to improve your neurochemistry. And Goggins is useful because he can be a constant reminder that you're giving a very small % of what you could be giving at any given moment towards improving yourself.
I have no problem admitting that that is the hand that I have been dealt. There are not enough people in my life that can help me check my blind spot(s). It's not always easy to trust people that are not my family and therapist and doctor. Even bipolar buddies are not always reliable. This does not mean that I should have Goggins on loop. I don't even particularly like Goggins and that is beyond the fact that he reminds me that I am giving a very small % of what I could be giving at any given moment towards improving myself. I could also listen to Tim Dillon on loop that tells me to be as self-indulgent as possible because the world is collapsing so have fun while it lasts. It's a tempting proposition but one that ultimately does not ring true. But, I also don't think that torturing yourself for an eternity because it probably makes you stronger is that great of a proposition either.
It's no wonder Contrapoints is a dissatisfied drunk. She's a rich narcissist and she's continuously rewarded for it, what the hell could motivate her to change?
Enough pain. When the drink stops working is a terrifying moment.
As far as poker is concerned. What was I supposed to do? Claim that I was going to be the best poker player in the world even though I already had a chance at that and failed? I played against Jungleman and got blood-bathed. I played against Phil Galfond and lost money. But, now I can study solvers for 12 hours a day and get them back after all these years? There's already people studying 12 hours a day for 2 years or more. I can't reconsider after the site went down and did not allow me to play cash games for 2 weeks now?
I don't know if it's too easy either. I made mistakes and misplayed hands to my knowledge quite a lot not including the spots I did not pick up on. It is a difficult task to memorize the charts and there is still plenty of poker that has to be played at low levels. No one except for like LLinusLLove and probably others have spent enough time on solvers to integrate all of the spots. In some ways I could have been learning chess but I have always had a fondness for cards.
As far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing you suck at poker and can't become a high stakes degen again, because that's just one bad day away from the psych ward and a possible suicide attempt. Poker should have stayed in your past and you've unearthed it because you were too bored and too scared to face the emptiness in your life. Gambling with commitment sure as hell isn't the answer, but my point was that you were not even trying that, you just tumbled back down into it lazily, "for fun", because that is what you do, and who you are, and you are right to be dissatisfied with yourself.
Yeah I don't hate lifting, or at least I don't hate every exercise. But there are days I would rather rest, or not do a crazy amount of squats, or do neck curls and extensions at the end of a 2 hour workout. But this is not the only thing I have chosen to struggle against. What I do is irrelevant, what matters is the process and being patient with the results. I am not dissatisfied as I used to be playing poker or other games online full time. I'm more social and self-confident. For example I went to buy a new guitar off of marketplace a few days ago and this random 24yo girl who sold it to me? She's quickly becoming a good friend. Maybe more eventually. And I'm going to a Phoebe Bridgers concert with her next week and it'll feel awesome to realize how I've made that happen as I listen to great live music. To think I am the kind of guy who can do that. Would I ever have made this happen if I was in your self-pitying state or obsessing over a game? Not a chance.
And it's crazy because it only takes one small event like that to potentially change your life. But if you're not open and taking chances committing to new things you're not creating opportunities for anything new to come into your life down the road. Every day ends up being exactly the same, as Trent Reznor wrote.
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
The Sisyphus who is pushing the boulder up the hill is more fulfilled than the one who is hunched over the keyboard writing nonsense, as you put it. That's all that matters. And the Sisyphus metaphor is always going to be extremely limited because we are a social species, and there are no real Sisyphus. There are just people who want to be seen, accepted, loved, and it's a fact of life that we have to work endlessly for those things.
And wage labor is what almost everyone has to struggle with, it doesn't count. I'm talking about something you personally choose to do every day that you don't have to do. Wage labor is not truly voluntary as we all know, but building a life that has any degree of meaning has to involve volition.
Yes life is going to kill us all but if you are using volition you get to pick your poison and you'd be mad to want to choose constant self-indulgence in my opinion.
“The whole life of the individual is nothing but the process of giving birth to himself; indeed, we should be fully born when we die - although it is the tragic fate of most individuals to die before they are born.”
- Erich Fromm, The Sane Society
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Last edit: 05/06/2022 06:08
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hiems United States. Jun 05 2022 11:00. Posts 2979
Loco strikes again lol
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
On June 05 2022 04:26 Loco wrote:
As far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing you suck at poker and can't become a high stakes degen again, because that's just one bad day away from the psych ward and a possible suicide attempt. Poker should have stayed in your past and you've unearthed it because you were too bored and too scared to face the emptiness in your life. Gambling with commitment sure as hell isn't the answer, but my point was that you were not even trying that, you just tumbled back down into it lazily, "for fun", because that is what you do, and who you are, and you are right to be dissatisfied with yourself.
I do suck at poker now. What is sad is that someone like hiems is probably better than me. I don't know if he's got the hand reading or the chutzpah or basically any number of things to be a player but as it stands today he may or may not be better than me. I was trying. I did immerse myself back into the game and got a lot better and I see no reason why that would not continue. It was not some ruse to socialize. Dealing with tiredness, struggling for willpower after work in losing sessions was definitely a practice. It is a good practice in just sitting in the muck and sitting there and sitting there but we both know this is not what is right for my life.
Yeah I don't hate lifting, or at least I don't hate every exercise. But there are days I would rather rest, or not do a crazy amount of squats, or do neck curls and extensions at the end of a 2 hour workout. But this is not the only thing I have chosen to struggle against. What I do is irrelevant, what matters is the process and being patient with the results. I am not dissatisfied as I used to be playing poker or other games online full time. I'm more social and self-confident. For example I went to buy a new guitar off of marketplace a few days ago and this random 24yo girl who sold it to me? She's quickly becoming a good friend. Maybe more eventually. And I'm going to a Phoebe Bridgers concert with her next week and it'll feel awesome to realize how I've made that happen as I listen to great live music. To think I am the kind of guy who can do that. Would I ever have made this happen if I was in your self-pitying state or obsessing over a game? Not a chance.
Speaking about the guitar. I struggle with that. I've played at least a little bit almost everyday for a while now. I hate that damn thing and I love that damn thing. I can't even play with my pinkie which we may have figured out is because it's double jointed and weak or my lithium or whatever but I keep playing. My fingers are too big for my guitar but I keep playing.
I struggle with AA.
I'm not just sitting in dark rooms playin' vidya and eatin' tendies. It's not that bad but yes, of course, it could be better.
I get the message. Obviously, it would be better to accompany fascinating women to great live shows. I'm certainly not going to accomplish that grinding out 10 NL or even worse attempting to get good at StarCraft. Meeting people seems to get harder every year. The easy way out seems to be AA but I hate AA and it is actually difficult so in your world view that would seemingly be something to latch onto but if I deem it stupid then that would be flip-flopping and giving up. I work 10-7 or 1-10. Most people in this category are retail or food and bev. I am not going to go to bars or lounges or clubs to meet people unless it is a date which I would prefer coffee. I thought about going down to the local games shop and starting to play Warhammer 40k or something like that. I just think about how poker is more fascinating than Warhammer.
And it's crazy because it only takes one small event like that to potentially change your life. But if you're not open and taking chances committing to new things you're not creating opportunities for anything new to come into your life down the road. Every day ends up being exactly the same, as Trent Reznor wrote.
There could be a positive or a negative to everyday being exactly the same. Early in my recovery for maybe a season or 2 or 3 everyday was exactly the same and it was great. I went for a walk in the woods, I did some reading, I went to a meeting, and I socialized with friends until 5am. I would have to re-listen to that song but that album is basically Trent's recovery album. I don't want to push my experiences with recovery on Trent or vice versa which a lot of people in recovery try to do this but yeah.
I don't know man. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it. I will just say that in the moment of some of these blog posts I am one person and when I am cracking jokes with co-workers or playing a blues scale I am a different person. But, I can't be that latter person all the time and I don't know if I can avoid being the former hunched over dissatisfied keyboard jockey. It's life. I'm trying. Am I trying as hard as Goggins. No, that guy is fucking crazy. Am I trying more than Molina that drank himself to death? Well, maybe. I don't have any great albums under my belt and my organs aren't great but they are all still working so all I can do is try. Maybe it doesn't look like I am trying but I am trying. I think that's from a song off of Farewell Transmission.
I mean I don't even know where I could go right now to socialize. 9pm on a Sunday in Fort Happiness, Southern USA when everything closes at 10pm and I don't drink. But, I just thought of somewhere and maybe Loco is getting through to me... To be continued...
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hiems United States. Jun 06 2022 01:41. Posts 2979
On June 05 2022 04:26 Loco wrote:
As far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing you suck at poker and can't become a high stakes degen again, because that's just one bad day away from the psych ward and a possible suicide attempt. Poker should have stayed in your past and you've unearthed it because you were too bored and too scared to face the emptiness in your life. Gambling with commitment sure as hell isn't the answer, but my point was that you were not even trying that, you just tumbled back down into it lazily, "for fun", because that is what you do, and who you are, and you are right to be dissatisfied with yourself.
I do suck at poker now. What is sad is that someone like hiems is probably better than me. I don't know if he's got the hand reading or the chutzpah or basically any number of things to be a player but as it stands today he may or may not be better than me. I was trying. I did immerse myself back into the game and got a lot better and I see no reason why that would not continue. It was not some ruse to socialize. Dealing with tiredness, struggling for willpower after work in losing sessions was definitely a practice. It is a good practice in just sitting in the muck and sitting there and sitting there but we both know this is not what is right for my life.
Yeah I don't hate lifting, or at least I don't hate every exercise. But there are days I would rather rest, or not do a crazy amount of squats, or do neck curls and extensions at the end of a 2 hour workout. But this is not the only thing I have chosen to struggle against. What I do is irrelevant, what matters is the process and being patient with the results. I am not dissatisfied as I used to be playing poker or other games online full time. I'm more social and self-confident. For example I went to buy a new guitar off of marketplace a few days ago and this random 24yo girl who sold it to me? She's quickly becoming a good friend. Maybe more eventually. And I'm going to a Phoebe Bridgers concert with her next week and it'll feel awesome to realize how I've made that happen as I listen to great live music. To think I am the kind of guy who can do that. Would I ever have made this happen if I was in your self-pitying state or obsessing over a game? Not a chance.
Speaking about the guitar. I struggle with that. I've played at least a little bit almost everyday for a while now. I hate that damn thing and I love that damn thing. I can't even play with my pinkie which we may have figured out is because it's double jointed and weak or my lithium or whatever but I keep playing. My fingers are too big for my guitar but I keep playing.
I struggle with AA.
I'm not just sitting in dark rooms playin' vidya and eatin' tendies. It's not that bad but yes, of course, it could be better.
I get the message. Obviously, it would be better to accompany fascinating women to great live shows. I'm certainly not going to accomplish that grinding out 10 NL or even worse attempting to get good at StarCraft. Meeting people seems to get harder every year. The easy way out seems to be AA but I hate AA and it is actually difficult so in your world view that would seemingly be something to latch onto but if I deem it stupid then that would be flip-flopping and giving up. I work 10-7 or 1-10. Most people in this category are retail or food and bev. I am not going to go to bars or lounges or clubs to meet people unless it is a date which I would prefer coffee. I thought about going down to the local games shop and starting to play Warhammer 40k or something like that. I just think about how poker is more fascinating than Warhammer.
And it's crazy because it only takes one small event like that to potentially change your life. But if you're not open and taking chances committing to new things you're not creating opportunities for anything new to come into your life down the road. Every day ends up being exactly the same, as Trent Reznor wrote.
There could be a positive or a negative to everyday being exactly the same. Early in my recovery for maybe a season or 2 or 3 everyday was exactly the same and it was great. I went for a walk in the woods, I did some reading, I went to a meeting, and I socialized with friends until 5am. I would have to re-listen to that song but that album is basically Trent's recovery album. I don't want to push my experiences with recovery on Trent or vice versa which a lot of people in recovery try to do this but yeah.
I don't know man. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it. I will just say that in the moment of some of these blog posts I am one person and when I am cracking jokes with co-workers or playing a blues scale I am a different person. But, I can't be that latter person all the time and I don't know if I can avoid being the former hunched over dissatisfied keyboard jockey. It's life. I'm trying. Am I trying as hard as Goggins. No, that guy is fucking crazy. Am I trying more than Molina that drank himself to death? Well, maybe. I don't have any great albums under my belt and my organs aren't great but they are all still working so all I can do is try. Maybe it doesn't look like I am trying but I am trying. I think that's from a song off of Farewell Transmission.
I mean I don't even know where I could go right now to socialize. 9pm on a Sunday in Fort Happiness, Southern USA when everything closes at 10pm and I don't drink. But, I just thought of somewhere and maybe Loco is getting through to me... To be continued...
LOL
I beat Loco!!! [img]https://i.imgur.com/wkwWj2d.png[/img]
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United States. Jun 03 2022 02:05. Posts 8992
