GHoST ToWN - Page 5

It seems like PuertoRican and my self will be here 'til the bitter end.

I am really craving something more.

A life.

It goes deeper than that.

What I really want is a deeper profound spiritual experience and/or psychic change. This is the most difficult thing in the world. For me, it happens more gradually with jumps and dips and everything in between.

A friend suggested I check out some of the philosophy and spirituality from Persia so I am reading Haraz. We'll see how that goes.

You know it's funny. I post these "song of the day" things and all this music like I am the illest DJ. Or, just the fact that I post about my life. It's no different to lostaccount posting his archangel crap. I'd like to think it's a bit different. Honestly, it probably is a bit different. I posted a lot of great music. Although in the greater scheme of things it blurs and it's funny to me.

PuertoRican and myself might be lifers. To the bitter end!

The sad thing is I so wish I had a life but I am not willing to put in the effort. Work has been a struggle. It's almost as if a smooth sailing day is impossible. But, here I go again about myself... At the end of the day I'll be ok. Is that all that matters?

I have a feeling of loneliness. A feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. A feeling of wanting to be someone else. Nothing drastic happened it's just where I find myself.

My guitar teacher gave me a tip today and it might be working. Practice tedious things with an action movie going on in the background. I had the Matrix going on in the background and just a guitar lying around. It's kind of nice to just hit some scales and practice striking the notes with a movie going in the background. Then if a good part comes on I can watch it and then mindless action I can play some guitar. It combats overthinking or over-focusing and I can get more reps in.

On September 06 2022 02:10 RiKD wrote: LP is a bore. I am a bore. You are a bore. I am not ready to go into that good night yet. Pretty pathetic way of raging against it though. One day I will die. It is getting closer and closer. I am already seeing effects of older age. Death is getting closer and closer. Here is a question for you. Where do you stand on algorithms? Let's keep it simple and use Spotify as example. I think I can rage against the "if you like this you might like this" crowd. I remember my buddy would come into school with a cassette and be like "yo, you need to listen to this." Or, for my birthday he would just get me a ton of cassettes. He let me borrow the first 10 issues of Spawn comics without hesitation. That dude was a really cool dude. I don't think we see this as much anymore. We sit behind screens enamored with algorithms. "If you like this you might REALLY like this." *Notification notificationnotificationnotification NOTIFICATION NOTIFICATION NOTIFICATION* It feels like I have discovered some great music on Spotify that I otherwise might not have discovered but that is just a feeling. In reality, the way I have found most of the music I like was because of a friend or looking into who my favorite artists like or who influenced them. I kind of want to go back to having stuff. I still have pages and pages of cds. I miss going down to the record store. The minimalist says that is accumulating STUFF but I like that STUFF. Spotify is incredibly easy to use though. That UX and UI though bro! We are all doomed. Most likely on a faster timeline than many would like to admit. I already played an hour of guitar and singing today. It's why I come on here. I have housemates and neighbors. I don't think they would want me primal screaming at midnight. It feels like sometimes I am numb to it all and others I am a bull in captivity. I don't know how to get ahead of it all. Life. Being an adult. I don't know if anyone does. Some seem better at it than others but I guess it is unlikely to ever share someone's consciousness so no one knows. That's why it is wise to come together and share the burden. I am drastically grabbing at music straws in hopes that one will heal my woes. I am a frustrated and mundane composer. I am an artist without a studio. I need help.

You're talking about a very specific subset of algorithms used by monopolistic companies. Algorithms have been around for thousands of years and for the most part are great.

If you feel lonely you can always invoke Archangel Michael.

I stopped watching at 1:44. 44 is a sign from the angels that I am in the right place. Which angel is looking after me?

If you hear someone say "Michael" it means you have to pay special attention because whatever comes next is guidance for you. So if you were going to work for example and you hear something about Michael going back, or Michael leaving his job, you have to change paths or leave your job. I think that's what she's saying. Shame that lostaccount isn't here to enlighten us more about the ways of the Archangel Michael.

I mean sure I'm lonely. I have not done a single social activity with people outside of my parents for a month or so now. I do get social interaction at work but that is different. I have my guitar. I have my action movies.

Matrix
Leon: The Professional
Akira

What else is there?

I've got J.S. Bach!
Nathan Fake
Burial

I've got typing. That is an activity that I enjoy doing. Especially, on this Shanzai blue switch key keyboard.

It is difficult sometimes as the day is winding down. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want.

How was your vacation?

Social interactions usually just end up making you feel lonelier than if you hadn't seen people at all. I've done plenty of social activities lately and that's how I feel. Because at the end of the day you go back home and probably haven't built anything -- there's no stability or narrative thread to any of it, people come and people go with nothing to hold them together, and that just feels weird. The normies combat this emptiness and boredom by having families, because it's the only "refuge" in modern capitalist civilization. A sad state of affairs. Well, I guess there's also BJJ, boxing or CrossFit gyms, those sorts of things, but you have to be pretty passionate about those things to "join the family". Not to mention have enough spare cash (not an issue for me but it is for some)

I'm not sure how to resume my vacation since it involved a few different things, but overall good. I survived camping alone in the cold, rainy Laurentians, fighting off raccoons and skunks, and survived the Kublai Khan show, where someone stage dived directly on my face without me seeing it coming. So there's that. Thanks for asking. When I came back to work today no one asked and no one cared - lol work. At least my shift was 100% downtime and I finished The Expanse.

Last Friday I met Matt Honeycutt from Kublai Khan and bought some merch from him and took a pic. His new merch hoodie has a gambling/poker theme so we talked a bit about that, that was cool. He said he gambled but wasn't a good player or anything and I mentioned my past living off of poker. Also, I made a fangirl's day by introducing her to him and getting her a pic with him (she was too shy to ask). I ended up going to a bar with her after the show, but as usual, turns out to be a mess of a person, and I'm better off not getting involved. Just my luck.

Did you go hiking already?

I recently went hiking in a national forest. It was sublime. Some trouble though too the paths hadn't been taken care of and the mosquitos were really bad this time of year. You have to watch out for poisonous snakes and alligators at ground level but there are also giant spiders above eye level. I walked right through a web but luckily the spider was scared of me and scurried off onto a tree. A portion of the path was almost completely wild and the pricker bushes were tough to get through. That is about 40 min. away and there is another place that is about 40 min. away and that is about it here.

I'll have more freedom to hike when I visit my family near Halloween and there is better hiking there.

For me, if I am being honest with myself, I don't know if I feel lonelier. Sometimes things are clicking and it feels nice. According to the AA cult the only requirement for membership is a desire not to drink. That's their words not mine. So, I qualify as a member but to achieve the "join the family" like status I have to ascribe to what they ascribe to. I am not actively working any steps. Nor do I have a sponsor. Nor do I have any sponsees. Nor do I give two shits about the Big Book of AA. Even though I am technically a member I will always be an outcast. So, at the end of the day, yes, I do feel lonelier. To AA, I am a dry drunk which is one of the worst insults one can throw around in those circles.

A co-worker told me a story of his friend Brendon today. He found a girl on Tinder and they went out and he gave her some free weed. She called him the next day super pissed in the ER that the cops said the weed was laced with LCD and Fentanyl and the Doctor said she barely made it. He was high off of the same weed and was like "uhhhhhhhh, wat?" and then she apologized and said it must have interacted with one of her medications and she's ok as if she hadn't just previously said what she said....

That is the state of dating these days. It's fucked up.

No way I am bringing a kid into this world in some hopes of "refuge" or something to do or "Love" or anything of the sort. I do agree that that is what people do though.

In the beginning of social situations it is hard to avoid chatter. I feel like with alcohol things move more smoothly from chatter to something a little more substantial. Kant always said alcohol brings sociability, talkativeness, and enthusiasm. Whereas I start with chatter and stay there for a little bit too long or refuse to chatter all together. The alternative of alcohol is off the table as well so I sit in my room and engage with music basically.

Song of the day:

In the moment it feels better with alcohol. But again, that is just the moment. It doesn't translate to anything "real", or persistent. It's just easier to get along temporarily, to be okay with chatter, to be okay with discussing with people who don't actually care about you. You forget your needs temporarily. Like, I will have a work party next weekend, and the only thing that will make me tolerate it is going to be the alcohol. Without it I could never stay there. I might even like some of the people after I've gotten a couple beers in me. But it's never going to lead to any real friendship, and that is the sad part. We will find ways to have fun and then we will go back to working from home and ignoring each other more or less.

I've been to bad ass concerts and read good books but I have never had to fight off racoons and skunks isolated in nature. What is that like?

Well, it's scary. I'm being a bit hyperbolic as I didn't physical touch them, but you don't want to be sprayed on by a skunk that gets spooked and have your vacation ruined, and you don't want raccoons to fuck with your food. They're not afraid of coming right up to you to take your shit, and a gang of them literally circled around me at night when I was cooking. If you're not constantly keeping an eye on your food they will take it from you and you're not going to catch them. Last year we kept our bag of toiletries and misc stuff right outside of the tent and I think my ex had left a bag of nuts in there and they came while we were in the tent right next to the bag and took the entire bag of stuff. I ran right after them but they went in some small bushes and outran me. Never found any of our belongings in the forest nearby.

Wow, that Loco guy really knows how to kill a room with his racoon stories.

Oh, yeah, it's only us in here.

I always thought racoons were kind of cute albeit mischievous. I never knew they were that mischievous or industrious.

Sorry, I had to post.

I had the craziest dream. It was a mix between a dream, sleep paralysis, nightmare, vivid dreaming, and lucid dreaming and it felt like an eternity. It felt like a trip. It ultimately felt like I had seen the Oracle and had a hero's journey. The moment I became Lucid I felt like Neo in the Matrix, Leon in The Professional, and Tetsuo Shima in Akira but for good. I kept on doing runs from the sleep paralysis point which was my bed. Most were very, very bad runs like in Limbo if you suck. I don't know how many runs I did. It felt like 1,000+. Finally, I was lucid and the runs became longer and positive. I ended up in a mobile, tiny home that I let guide me through a suburb. It felt safe. Then I woke up and felt like Sandra Bullock from Galaxy when she washes up on shore. I honestly cried that it appears I am back in base reality. I have to be aware that all of this is manic behavior for me. I don't feel all that manic but then again I am listening to Ades, and Ravel, and Shubert crying to how beautiful the music is. How great it is to not be trapped in a sleep paralysis prison as far as I know.

btw, anyone play Splatoon 3 for Switch?