I realized I had some strawberries in the refridgerator. They were from a local farm and quite magical but I had forgotten about them and they had seen better days. Still edible and quite good but strawberries go pretty quickly. Easily perceivable over the course of a week. What about us humans? Not so perceivable over a course of a week or even years. It is still a reminder that for most of us we are further and further away from our peak in many areas and we do not have forever to live with the absence of debilitating ailments. My parents are on a cruise in Italy and Greece. That is pretty sweet. They can still enjoy these things but they do lack an energy of 21 year olds. It is good to know many things are still enjoyable at 70 if we take care of ourselves. I wanted to play guitar in a band in the 5th grade and pretty much every grade therafter. My parents always said no. I am pretty sure if they would have said yes in the 5th grade many permutations would have me way better at the guitar than I am today at 40. I was driving around today and I realize I have not listened to a metallica record in a long time. Perhaps, since high school. I chose the Black Album as that is what I listened to the most of when I was younger. Not a bad record but I think the feelings of nostalgia outweighed any other feelings. I am not the biggest James Hetfield fan although Kirk Hammett kills it on the guitar. What I found interesting is that I knew most of the lyrics and every guitar riff on the record even though I hadn't listened to it since being in my teens. Repetition and a likely more elastic brain is amazing. I will never be as good at the guitar as someone who is talented and diligent from age 12. I can probably still get to a decent level or at least a more enjoyable level than I am at today though. That's all that really matters. I have to do something as I decay it might as well be guitar. My uncle still gets much joy from the guitar at age 67. It's a good life hobby/habit.
I think it was haralabob who said this but I'm sure someone else said this as well. A good idea is to look 10 years ahead and picture where you want to be and work towards that. In 10 years I will be 50... Hard to picture it. I always said I'll probably commit suicide by 55 but I think if I do things right over the next 5 or so years I won't have to resort to killing myself. I had such a rough trip from 30 to 40 it feels like I am getting a bit of a breather at least this year. A slight repreive. Although there were great times in those years. Primarily, the first year I got sober and was getting long term disability. That was a magical year. After that capitalism kept me occupied. I've lived in this current city for like 7 years and have no friends. The problem is if you are killing yourself to make like $30,000 in a year there may just not be a whole lot left over. Not a whole lot left to give. I will make more this year but my new job probably takes more of a toll on me. We will see what I can do with my situation. It's certainly better than 2020 or 2021. 2022 was a grind man. 2023 has been a sick grind as well but with the last year and a half I might have put myself in a freer position. I hope so. I'm still decaying rapidly or not so rapidly relative to what you want to choose. Compared to a strawberry I have all the time in the world given most runouts. I do not need a stone with my name on it. Just feed me to the dogs. I'd rather be dog shit than worm shit.
I've been thinking about a lot of things. We are trapped by capitalism. We are drilled to win just a little bit more, just a little bit more. Forced to self-manage. Forced to be entreprenuers of the self. The self-achievement subject. There is no time for silence or contemplation.
It seems to me that you are living a contradiction. You have inklings that the spiritual is the right path yet you chase hedonism. That feeling of escape outside of capitalism. Whether that is the NBA Playoff game, the slot machine, or hell a good novel (probably not in your case). It's all just a chase for some flow state to get away from capitalism. Yet, apart from the good novel it is capitalism. Where to turn is some form of spirituality or getting away from self-absorption. It's tricky. Are my blogs entirely self-absorption or is there value in reflection?
It's hard for me to be the judge of my self-centeredness. I crave something. I am not immune to falling into the trap of the slot machine allure. Trying to find The Entertainment. It seems benign but it has teeth. Especially, when people are unemployed/under-employed. I don't ever want to be living in a closet eating cat food or homeless eating out of dumpsters. Yet, living with my parents eating pizzas and frozen dinners spending all my time supporting retail is acceptable?
It's acceptable because that's the best thing I have going at the moment. And, like I said, I actually have the most freedom I have had in a long time. Going back 9 years ago when I first got sober and had money coming in from long-term disability. Nothing lasts though. It will be interesting to see what I do with this season.
The elite would prefer you to be in jail and have and will and would support Nazis. Let that sink in. Of course, the car and gas elite love a long commute and as many trips to the store as possible. A house is nice to live in but it also must be filled with (replacable) stuff. At Whole Foods we constantly had a full locked dumpster. Compost had their own locked dumpster but there were far more food that included meat and dairy that we would break the rules and eat from before it would be tossed. For public relations purposes we filled about 1 cart full of food that was soon to be past due to give to charity.
What does "freedom" mean in 2023?
That we don't have total surveillance yet?
Freedom is not an opiate pill high, a slot machine binge, or anything like it. Where is the freedom?
Of course, I have my ideas. Philosophers like to contemplate. Fishermen like to fish. Surfers like to surf, and on and on and on.
But for the most part I work, I consume, I age, and I die. It is difficult to break the cycle. Even shinrin-yoku (forest-bathing) is sparsely more than rest in order to work again. Reading anti-capitalist left books is sparsely more than rest in order to work again!
On May 14 2023 06:00 PuertoRican wrote:
Everyone starts to decay after they're born.
Rosebud > rose > dying rose > a stem without a rose.
Yeah, most people would say there is a peak rose. I am one of those people but picking a peak for humans is different. Some might say 18, some might say 24-28, some might say 35. Mathematically my peak was probably 18-20. Athletically 24-28. Sexually probably 35. In a field like philosophy I think many would say 40s and above. Same with a field like history. I still have virility but it's likely facts that that is diminishing. There is no doubt that I am decaying. Just have to accept it all and go with it. If I want to play basketball with a bunch of college kids I'm beyond fucked but if I want to read and comprehend a Byung-Chul Han there is no better time than now.
I just want to be liberated, i i i, just want to be liberated.
There is no liberation from neo-liberalism. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am over thinking there is a solution. I just want salvation. I am so self-absorbed that I am going to write a blog about being self-absorbed.
I probably could have used an AA meeting today but I lifted weights and took a nap instead.
All day with myself and now I have to spend the night with myself. I don't really mind silence, stillness, senseless but my addict brain wants to find a slot machine in anyway I can find it. Now, Sun Ra comes on the Spotify stream and I am delighted. I think I will call a friend. They did not answer. That is a bummer. Maybe I will watch the Celtics vs Sixers game 7 even though I already know who wins. Existance man. Existance. I'm willing to try out being an aimless wanderer with no dwelling but that seems like a bad idea with my bipolar I.
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United States. May 09 2023 01:26. Posts 8992
