What is the State of your Soul?

My soul is chillin.

Live for the Divine. Live for Truth but probably you are going to have to be useful and neccessary in something "useful and necessary."

I don't man. I'm just trying to unwind. Tryna tryna unwind. Smoked about 1.5 joints (so far), took 2 xanax and listening to:



Existence man. It gets too heavy sometimes. I've been thinking today I am not cut out for a capitalst world. There is no where that I "fit." All the things that are supposed to be "useful and neccessary" are lies.

I think I have taken it a bit easy on contemplation today. It's not good to be too serious. Reading 2 Heidegger books and a Hegel book at the same time is fine I guess. Levity and laugher falls under the divine too though.

-xnxfMu0&start_radio=1

Music and philosophy are all that I have. I don't even have the resources to paint...

I can't go anywhere I am afraid of bridges and freeways...

But, for some reason I still want to live. I'm afraid of death and killing myself. Alcohol and benzos would be an obvious one but I'd have to get so bombed that I don't realize I am having trouble breathing. I don't want to be conscoius for that. There are poisons. That is kind of the same thing. It is useful and necessary to go through these ideations because I usually end up thinking well, I guess I have to overcome somehow. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Life is overcoming again and again. I'm sure I could throw in some other Nietzsche quotes...

If I'm not wrong Nietzsche for a time had a necklace with deadly poison attached. That is pretty baller. I have a joke with my siblings about hari kari. If someone was complaining we used to grab a knife and say "is the shame too great?" and offer the knife...

Then, one night I almost killed myself with a Santoku knife...

But, the shame was not too great and I'm still here for now. I guess I better make the most of it;

I sold my soul for about $1.30 in middle school. Some kid was going around buying peoples souls after he see the Simpsons episode where Bart sells it.

With inflation that is like $666! I would probably hold out for more but you do you.

This reminds me of the book Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol. Fantastic book!

Btw, I didn't smoke any weed or take any Xanax last night. At the time I thought it would be fun to put that in there because that is what I wanted to do but I was just sick and in a bad mind frame until my friend called me. Portrait of an Artist who wants to smoke weed and take Xanax. I mean it is probably a sign that I am closer to a relapse than I would want to be. Just frustrating that I talk so much about the divine and truth and I am writing petty lies in a blog post. My sobriety is contigent on the daily maintenence of my Spiritual Condition.

Damn, man. I'm in that empty zone again. I don't have enough time to give Baldur's Gate 3 a go, I'm sick of playing my guitar, I just need something easy. My dear friend the white space.

There is a difference between emptiness and greedy emptiness. Greedy emptiness is eating a pint of ice cream and getting some sort of head change but what happens when it wears off. For me, it's a worse emptiness than what I began with. Although I have been able to mostly avoid ice cream for a while now. Emptiness is just a state I can find myself in. Greedy emptiness would be smoking 2 joints and taking 2 Xanax. The thing is that high would be a pretty damn good high for some time until it's not then existence and a benzo withdrawal would be pretty brutal thereafter. Again, I would be emptier than when I started. So, that's partly why I write these things. It's harm reduction.

Here is a song I would love to have in the rotation when stoned:



Probably my favorite weed besides some of the stuff in LA and some of the stuff in Amsterdam (was too high to follow what we were smoking):



The problem is if I start smoking weed I'll probably want to add in the sensual pleasure of red wine or I will just end up smoking myself into a stupor day in / day out resulting in a horrible existence. Worse than the one today. I'll smash an empty bottle against the wall and actually go through with slitting my wrists with the broken pieces.

My therapist says it is a miracle that I am still alive. It does not really feel that way but at the same time it feels like I have to honor that miracle and do something with my life.

On August 29 2023 06:39 lostaccount wrote: I’m learning how to garden next year, anyone else into gardening or farming. Rikd how ur garden grow this year? Family garden was great but mine not good lol One day money will be useless

I grew tomatoes, basil, and lettuce and they all went well. Tomatoes and lettuce were on an Aerogarden so pretty easy to just follow directions. Basil was outside. Just lucky they get the right amount of sun and keep an eye on them in regards to water. They grew like crazy. Have to make pestos and such and still too much.

The state of my Soul is fluctuating obviously. Probably, fluctuating too much. Nietzsche said we need chaos to be a dancing star or something like that but calm and slow moving, strong spirit, andante is definitely the way to go.

I think what it boils down to is the fact that I am hurting and I am desperate for attention. Somewhat pathetic since I am not in middle school anymore but sad but true. I don't get the attention I need at work. I don't get the attention I crave at AA. So, I come on here and lie about relapsing hoping someone will respond so I can jump all over their post with yet another essay. It's not healthy man.

if you take benzos and alcohol you'll pass out and maybe die in your sleep, you don't lose the ability to breathe when you are consicous lol. finland is going to make holocaust denial illegal, so I don't see the point of anything anymore...

Great. My one follower is a troll / holocaust denier. That makes me feel much better.

LOL

I can't sleep. It could be because I took a nap after work but I had to do that because I couldn't stay awake. So, I am listening to chill music and consider LP to be soothing. I just have a lot on my mind. Work keeps asking for a lot and it is tough to keep up. I need some other options but don't know how to get that going. I just have a lot of anxiety. I want to take a Xanax but I don't think that is wise if I don't really need it. Just have to tough it out.

I don't think I even have anything to really write about. I am still reading a lot of philosophy but nothing to write about. I am taking it a bit too seriously perhaps. I just want to laugh.

It is a product of capitalism to be this frantic, restlness, and tired. Tomorrow is going to be another tough one. I don't really know what to do about it. There is no escape. Maybe I should just play Baldur's Gate 3 and escape. Music and typing out my thoughts seems to help though too.

I remember Loco saying if no one responded to my blog I would stop posting, I guess people still reply occasionally. I haven't found a better outlet.
The chorus to the song I am listening to is "let me live my life." I don't even know really what kind of life I am leading. Who would have thought management in retail would be so trying. I think any job in retail is trying. Same with food and beverage. Countless others I've tried. Like why is it so difficult?

I don't know if it's so difficult for me cuz of my addiction issues and bipolar but I think it's more than that. Again, I wonder if I am not cut out for a capitalist Earth.

Earth is not cut out for a capitalist Earth.

What a difference 24 hours make. Just got back from hanging out with friends and I feel great.

I feel like there is more life in Nietzsche than the Stoics. Don't get me wrong I love the Stoics but man, Nietzsche is just walking through the Alps going down untrodden paths like whoa. The man can't be stopped.