Journal - Page 2

I just had an email conversation with Phil Galfond and it was pleasant and very informative.

If you know anything about meditation please share your 2c.

I've got so much on my plate I am not even sure what to do. I guess just do something will be the right thing to do. I am getting my lithium level taken tomorrow which should equal me getting better if that was the problem. God, I hope that was the problem. If not just going to have that neurology appointment moved up or accept it. Accepting it and not trying to improve I think is a bad move because the longer I have these problems the higher the chances of them becoming permanent. I need some income too. Remote on Indeed.com is just not that promising. I don't know what else to do.

lithium eh no good unless its for car batteries

I find myself in the crib listenin' to some Portishead. Ohhhh yeah.

I am thinking about poker and I am thinking about philosophy. I don't want to read and write all day but I also don't want to play poker all day. I don't really know what I want to do for most of my days. What am I skilled at? What is my personality suited for?

I would love to spent part of the day reading Plessner, Luhmann, Apel, Habermas. My time is mostly up though. I need to find an employer that will hire me. I don't really have any confidence in what will suit me. I don't have any confidence if I can even drive my car. It seems like I am up against a lot. I feel a lot of stress. There is nothing to do but go on. Well, there is always suicide which can be a comforting idea. Not today. Not tonight.

Ughhhh, I guess I'll go to Reddit where at least people respond to my posts.

Got some Plessner and Luhmann on the way. I am excited. It's been a while since I got into some good philosophy: Simone Weils, Martin Heidegger, Byung-Chul Han. It has probably been months.

I did all that studying and figuring out GTO Wiz and I haven't really felt like playing poker. Now, that my lithium level is normal I think I feel better. We will see.

So, I drove and went to get some groceries. That is actually a reallly big win for me at this moment. I was not sure if I was going to be able to do that or not. As far as the job search it has been a struggle. Maybe no one cares. I care. I am not sure what to do sometimes. Fighting anxiety I need to do things. It sucks if I am not sure what to do and if I run out of money I will definitely not know what to do.

Poker occupies a lot of time and attention. The point to playing it is to pass time and learn. The computer screen is in vivid color and the rest is black and white. I'm hoping reading Plessner will have the same effect. It seems no one in the world wants me playing poker.

I think poker is more stimulating than most video games. I put in about 8 hours into Alan Wake 2. It is a great fucking game but I basically dropped it like that when I started playing poker again. I prefer more to play video games like Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Celeste, and Tetris. Tetris is a good primer for video games and poker. Tetris can be good recovery too but I have primers and recovery now from a pro hypnotist that work better.

Meditation is going. Exercise is just walking. I'd like to expand that to swimming, Tai Chi, maybe lifting weights. Lifting weights would be maybe the easiest to entry again due to the fact I already know the gym but I can't seem to find a program that I like. A program that I get excited about.

I usually don't pay attention to gratitude which I think is a mistake.

5 things I'm grateful for:

- Yale University Well-ness course
- Fear of God sweat shorts
- Steinberg UR-12 Audio Interface
- My family
- My friends

Interesting that material things entered my mind early. It's just what I was looking at in my immediate area. An immediate area is important. We have to clean our rooms before we can enter the world in a way or at least if the home is depressing it is likely that the person will become depressed.

I really think today's poker player needs to know how to study on a solver, mindset coach, 1v1 poker coach, group study and still put in like x amount of hands that I don't know the number. Probably like 30k - 50k. That plus exercise, meditation, and nutrition. It's changed a lot from the days I could just drink some tea and smoke a blunt and be good to go.

In a fight it is thought that the bigger, faster, stronger person wins. That is, of course, only if the adversery is devoid of any skills. I'll take a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu over the untrained person. Unless the person also has a black belt in BJJ, collegiate wrestling, boxing, and kick boxing. Still then, I would take the person trained in Glock shooting over the martial artist. The person trained in AK-47 shooting over the Glock. This can go on and on: Sniper over AK-47, airstrike over sniper, intercontinental ballistic missiles over airstrike. Then we come to Nuclear annihilation. Nuclear anihilation that annilhilates much if not all. Mutually assured destruction.

The terrors of the world. Some say the USA are the largest terrorist organization on the planet. I'm glad I live here instead of Afghanistan or Palestine. I'm glad the USA are leaders in software and AI. Better than it being China or Russia. People do not like to talk about it but it is wise to scare the shit out of your enemies.

There is quite a bit messed up with the USA but maybe there is still some hope and maybe it's not all messed up. This is what I can hope. I still have to find some slice of bread under capitalism which I am failing at royally. It is difficult to not become bitter and resentfull. Is it possible to just snap out of it? Go get a haircut and a suit and tie?

To be continued?

Happy July 4th?

I like diners, jazz, blues, Fender Stratocasters, interstate highways, The Desert, The Cities, and most places in between.

Would anyone from the USA prefer not to be the leaders in the world in software, AI, and Defense?

I wish I could write like Luhmann. 8:30am - 11:00pm every day. He probably took that schedule after reading everything and had a lot to say. I re-started on my novel, re-wrote the ending, and have been working on that again slowly but surely. It's mostly short bursts of writing. I don't actually want to spend my entire life writing. I don't really know what I want to spend my life on.

Just dropping in until the Mirtazapine hits the blood stream and I can get some sleep.

The anxiety has been hitting me pretty heavy lately. It goes in currents. It peaks and passes. When I am in it it feels encapturing filling up my concsiousness to the gills. Then it drifts away and I am ok. I still have a lot of fear surrounding driving my car. I think the super tremors are mostly gone now that my lithium levels are normal. It's just scary.

"I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode" - Radiohead, Talk Show Host

I can relate.

I have been thinking a lot about agression and violence lately. The problem is that power in many cases is corrupt. I don't have any power or technology or weapons. As anyone can see my blog gets few viewers and virtually no one engaging in discourse. I am better off writing my novel. I am better off finding a job but that has proven to be difficult. I was lucky to have been born into a middle-upper class family but my mental health is debilitating. I wish I could have more say in software, AI, Defense but I am a gnat on the wall. As I have said it makes me feel safe to some degree. Situated in a gated community, white skin, educated. Yet, I feel so fragile. I don't think training with firearms is going to help. I am a sack of meat and bones and organs and blood and what have you. We humans are fragile despite what our egos tell us.

It feels like I am the only one here (on LP). I am so incredibly anxious. I know it peaks and passes but it is rough in the mountain tops. My parents' are going on vacation for 3 weeks and to be honset I don't know what I am going to do.

I don't want to read and write all day. Which maybe puts into question my dream of being a philosophy professor. I have to make room for human connection. exercise, meditation, gratitude, and sleep.

I am grateful for:

- My headphones



- My computer
- The Tree of Knowledge by Maturana and Varela



- Monet



- Rouault

It's these times at night man. The emptiness.

It's ok I got the Portishead goin' in the crib.

I think people should be proud of what they produce in regards to art: Painting, drawing, whatever. So, what if it is not a Van Gogh. Are you Van Gogh? Who cares if it is not photo realistic for that matter. Embrace your style. That goes for any form of expression.

- Rodin , The Toilette of Venus