Journal - Page 3

Let's get this shit to the 3rd page already. I don't know what types of computers and monitors y'all are on the few that view this blog. Page 2 is fine on my monitor but probably not so much on my laptop.

BOOM! Page 3.

I have to manufacture projects to do at night. Posting images on a dead website seems rather silly now that I am writing about it (on a dead website).

It's lonely here with out lostaccount and PuertoRican.

I am putting efforts towards no surf. I don't think I can just go abstinent but harm reduction is maybe what I am looking for.

"The internet is where unhappy people come to congregate." - Annonymous

True? False?

It's funny. Everyone conceived a world like this in which I would be completely alone still blogging but I never thought it would actually happen.

Now that lostaccount posted today that means maybe there is one person that will respond to my blog. Maybe, maybe not. I wish I could say I've been steering clear of the internet but I've basically just replaced it with Discord servers. There is a chance they are a better use of my time and attention but probably not. I could tell you what they are but I don't want anyone killing my fun like Marla Singer in Fight Club. I still cycle through X and Reddit a bit too much for my liking. I think the goal is no surf but cutting everything off completely seems impossible in my current state. A harm reduction strategy means well yet it is difficult to pull off. Internet abstinence seems entirely too lofty though. So, I continue to exist... and I continue to write here. I do have to say my time and attention on here is drastically reduced but it's obviously still greater than 0. If I could handpick 25 or so people to come back and post here I think it would be a great website. I have to live in reality though.

I quit poker before the fight even started. I couldn't prove to Stroggoz or drone or most importantly myself... This is all silliness. Of course, it was wise to quit in my situation. If I ever get on disability I might give it a go especially if I lived in PA or one of the other legal states but I need to figure out a legit income and fast.

Journal #3,158

I just went for a nice walk and a lot of things started hitting me. I live in paradise (aesthetically) yet I am just ok. I don't expect to be happy so if I am not it's not so bad. I am in a gated community surrounded by $600,000 - $2 million+ houses in the suburbs. XXXXXXXXXXX, USA. Many of the driveways in these beautiful homes have basketball hoops. I am mowing the lawn, watering the garden, watching House of Dragons. Except I didn't earn any of this. I would love to have a haircut and a job but it still wouldn't reach this and that's ok. If I don't expect happiness and I am not happy it's not so bad.

I've got my hair slicked back like I'm some Wall Street banker, purple tiedyed shirt, all these damn tattoos, and some hiking boots like I'm in the mountains. I still carry the scars the night I burnt myself with a heated santoku knife. It seems like I have a mid-life crisis seasonally.

I'm weird in that I am looking up Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance to read and then 10 min. later I'm looking up the best book on Subcommandante Marcos.

I remember the day my dad brought home a brand new Cadillac. It felt like he made it. It felt like we made it. This is also to ignore the brand new 5 bedroom home we were living in. I don't come from a working class background. I am not a hillbilly. There are some rough spots in the suburb I grew up in and we were the last stop before farmland but I know nothing of that life.

Fast forward to today and I am mowing the lawn. There was a gentleman wearing a pink polo in a golf cart cruising by. He gave me the neighborly wave and I happily waved back. I would prefer to not have any lawn for a number of reasons but I am the caretaker of the home while my parents are on vacation. It brought me some sense of pride and joy to cut the lawn and wave to neighbors passing by.

Will I ever get a piece of the American Dream? I've been close on multiple occasions but didn't quite make it. Maybe if I just get the right haircut and continue to lose some weight. It probably wouldn't hurt. I want to be more optimistic about my life and the USA and the world. It does seem like there are incredible obstacles to overcome. I have to try.

I don't have a career. I don't have a job. The thought of disability crosses me mind. Then, I'll be trapped for the rest of my life. Sometimes it's ok to slow down. Especially, on a Sunday morning at 3am. I can't sleep. I took a nap. It was glorious but because of that I cannot sleep. No one is reading this. That's ok. It doesn't matter. It feels weird being the only active poster on this website. I wish it were more active but that is not happening. The discord server I thought showed promise is maybe turning out to not be my cup of tea. I guess just keep trying.

I'm always at a crossroads. My tendency is to be anti-establishment but I need the establishment to not starve. I miss my mom's cooking. I am eating some combo of cereal and spaghetti every day. Egg sandwiches.

My hair right now is probably considered grunge. I don't own a suit. I have to get confidence to drive further distances. It's a lot to overcome. I have to try.

I wish I had hair.