Journal

I am putting in some good study sessions. Just practicing on the GTOW Trainer. I wish everyday was a Friday night or Saturday but it is most definitely not. I think a lot of times there is a bounce back on Monday night as people still want that weekend fix in. It doesn't matter for me because my hands are still shaky. I just figure I study as much as I can to stay fresh and get better. I am mostly pretty good on the trainer. I miss some betsizes sometimes. Hard to find all the bluffs GTOW finds and it finds some reallly nice shoves in areas I don't always suspect.

Another thing I realized is I like RNGs for pre-flop but I don't really like using them post flop. I'd rather hand read. As I get better maybe I start using the RNG more post-flop because I do use mixed strategies post-flop.

Anyway, it is clear that I have chosen the path of the theoretical over exploitive. Not that I won't go full exploitive mode versus recs and weak regulars. I just feel stronger and more grounded attempting to play solver-ball.

I was watching this poker training video today and the guy was crushing it. He had the sickest hud setup and knew how to use that information. I don't even like hud setups to be honest but I felt inadequate. I don't even like poker training videos to be honest. Some are alright but you don't necessarily know who to trust. The same can be said of 1v1 coaching or even getting in on some poker Discord. I am also looking at ways to make my study more efficient.

Any ideas for remote jobs?

Maybe one of these training AI gigs will hire me... I don't think I am good enough at maths anymore to help AI there but I think I could be good enough at critiquing writing and writing.

keep playing poker, you have access to the softest pools in the world residing in US ( don't what state you live though )
but the segregated sites are by far the softest you can find nowadays other than private games, don't play the rest of the world pool like WPN, GGpoker etc

If by training AI you mean labelling data, then yeah you could get a job doing that. It's very boring work and pays little, but its easy and there's no harm in trying it.

The math you need to understand AI is linear algebra + multivariable calc + some stats and probability, which can all be learnt in the first year of a math degree. I don't think most of AI is that math heavy tbh.

Yeah America has some soft poker pools, but is RiKD's personality cut out for poker as a profession? I would have guessed not.

On June 19 2024 00:57 drone666 wrote: keep playing poker, you have access to the softest pools in the world residing in US ( don't what state you live though ) but the segregated sites are by far the softest you can find nowadays other than private games, don't play the rest of the world pool like WPN, GGpoker etc

I don't have the money or the skill to attempt to be a professional. I don't live in NJ/PA/MI/NV and relocation is jut not an option at the moment. I play WPN (ACR) because it's slightly better than Ignition and those are the only options I have.

On June 19 2024 09:36 Stroggoz wrote: If by training AI you mean labelling data, then yeah you could get a job doing that. It's very boring work and pays little, but its easy and there's no harm in trying it. The math you need to understand AI is linear algebra + multivariable calc + some stats and probability, which can all be learnt in the first year of a math degree. I don't think most of AI is that math heavy tbh. Yeah America has some soft poker pools, but is RiKD's personality cut out for poker as a profession? I would have guessed not.

I never did the job but it sounded like I was going to "train" its English. Proofread, critique and write prompts of my own. Next level is I would review other peoples' prompts. They want to onboard me (Outlier AI) but I googled and it sounds sketchy as fuck so I am not going to do it. It doesn't seem like there is a lot of solid work remote wise.

I would have been doing the same thing "training" Math AI. I know I did matrices and vectors in Pre-Calc in high school but I don't know if linear algebra is a step up from that. I did multivariable calc and liked it although I don't think I remember it. I could probably read a math book and figure it out but I don't know that for sure. I never took a stats class or probability class. I have a BA in History.

seems like a complete waste of time to study poker if you are not intending to be a professional or if you are not rich as fuck as play as a hobby

On June 19 2024 22:40 drone666 wrote: seems like a complete waste of time to study poker if you are not intending to be a professional or if you are not rich as fuck as play as a hobby

When I was starting out my intentions were to see how it goes. When I played 10k hands at 10bb/100 I was thinking maybe there is a little bit of a chance. I realize I ran really well over those first 10k hands but anyways. 1 problem. I am pretty broke. I haven't worked in 8 months. My little experiment was to put $150 on the only site I could play (WPN / ACR) since Ignition was not happening and run it up from 10 NL. Another problem. Now, that I have done quite a bit of studying and figured out the games a bit more I have a drug side effect issue, neurological issue, anxiety issue, or all of the above where my hand tremors uncontrollably sometimes. Meaning it makes it difficult to even get the right bet amount down sometimes. Plus, now, Stroggoz does not think I have the personality for it.

I was thinking that playing 200 NL making $30 / hr might look good but for me that's a tough existance to play enough hands in a year and it would trap myself even more. I do not know how realistic it is these days to play 500 NL +.

The goal would be to move to PA. I used to live there I have a lot of friends. Relocation probably costs $5,000 - $10,000 though.

Another thing is that I check the higher games on ACR and they are super dry. Hell, the whole site is dry if it is not a weeknight or weekend. I am just finding all of this out.

It's why I asked if people knew about remote work. I was not under the illusion that I could pay the bills playing 10 NL but time has still passed and I need an income.

It is true that I carry a lot with me. Which is why I write these blogs to attempt to unleash it all. I was getting better with recovery. To let go. Part of that is staying away from poker if I'm not studying or playing but then I would watch PokerGO or a training video or whatever. A lot of these essential pros on Run It Once I'm not convinced they are all that great but they are better than me. It took a while to understand all the new lingo.

I have a good friend that I talk to on the phone quite a bit. He doesn't live in my city. One day he just stoppped returning my calls. I asked some people about it and they didn't know. I'm not really connected in that city anymore. Turns out he had a severe manic episode and ended up in jail for 2 months. Damn. Talking to him he sounded great though. Like I was talking to a Saint or something. He was in jail because there wasn't enouogh lithium in the system. I'm going through hell because there is too much lithium in my system.

I spent most of the day studying hands. Not to spite drone666 but because I like it! I had never used the analyze function on GTOw before and it is pretty sweet. A lot of the hands I remembered but some of them were difficult because I didn't remember the hand or why I did what I did. Some of the blunders were pretty bad. I definitely have leaks. My biggest biggest "blunder" on there I do remember and I was deviating against a maniac. To be honest, the hand was a mistake but not as big of a blunder as GTOw thought it was. I'm exploring all the nooks and crannies and GTOw is the shit! If I was a good pro I wouldn't mention it whatsoever and pretend it didn't exist even if I was on there 5 hours a day figuring out the game. But, I am not a pro. I am just excited about GTOw. Incredible UX as well. I learned what equity realization actually means today too among a bunch of other things.

If I could do it again I'd get a degree in logic, math, and psychology with philosophy. Fuck, there are plenty of things I'd do differently. I've made bankroll blunders both ways. I remember my computer broke the summer of 2005 and I didn't get it fixed for a while but then the Fall of 2005 I came out with a vengeance. I injured my knee and couldn't go anywhere. That Winter of 2005 was straight poker and I flew up the ranks. I am not going to go through it all. I just remembered how frustrated I was that summer with my computer but how that energy and getting injured and I put it all into poker. The history degree is what it is. I took some general education history courses and loved them and just sort of stuck with it. I started as a business major and that was a big mistake. History was not that demanding so it allowed me to play poker and hang out with friends. My knee eventually got better. I was playing 200 NL and 400 NL by summer 2006. Somewhere in there I won 35 buy-ins in a day at 400 NL. I was loaded up with courses so I could graduate on time and thankfully I did so I didn't have to pay for another year of university. I paid off all my student debt which I actually probably should not have done because the vig was not that bad to just pay it off in installments. I was at the height of the pooker boom I could use all the bankroll that I could muster. So many mistakes but I did a lot of things right too.

I don't think I can compete with teenagers and early 20s aspiring poker players. Moving up the stakes is probably really difficult these days. But, I'm having fun with poker. The computer screen is in vivid color and everything else is black and white.

I realize that I also need to get on with my life and find something to do that makes money and isn't as soul-crushing as what I've doing for basically my entire life after poker. Poker can be soul-crushing too but not as bad as food and bev or retail. I could play poker in my spare time. Weeknights and weekends which is when I play now anyways.

My resume is pretty bad so I get bad opportunities. It's maddening. A cycle that I don't know how to break. Remote opportunities are even harder to come by than brick and mortar.

Something that stuck out was I made a fair amount of exploitive folds. I look at it 1-2 months later and it's kind of gross. I would have to have had some pretty good information and I just don't think that is the case. You live you learn.

Watching Hustler Casino Live with Jimmy Butler (Pro NBA), Neymar, Ryan Garcia, Dan Bilzerian. Fucking crazy game. I don't think I like anyone in the game except Butler and Neymar.

Stand up game going and Neymar just doubled through Bilzerian.

They put the progressive stand up game on greedily and Butler is out of there.

Fucking Twitch streamers affording this madness (Ninja).

Winding down, winding down, winding down...

I am praying that the neurological issues (severe tremors, loss of balance and coordination) that go along with lithium toxicity go away in a week now that I am on a lower dose of the lithium. I read some scary information today that if the toxicity is extended for too long the neurological issues can be permanent.

One of my friends offered to bring over lunch tomorrow and hangouot since I haven't been driving. I thought that was a really nice gesture. I haven't been socializing much due to not driving. Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky has been my friend.

I am watching this $50,000 Player's Championship. It's about a 10 game spread. It's remarkable that some of these guys can be so good at all of these games. That's a lot of fucking poker.

I just had an email conversation with Phil Galfond and it was pleasant and very informative.

If you know anything about meditation please share your 2c.

I've got so much on my plate I am not even sure what to do. I guess just do something will be the right thing to do. I am getting my lithium level taken tomorrow which should equal me getting better if that was the problem. God, I hope that was the problem. If not just going to have that neurology appointment moved up or accept it. Accepting it and not trying to improve I think is a bad move because the longer I have these problems the higher the chances of them becoming permanent. I need some income too. Remote on Indeed.com is just not that promising. I don't know what else to do.

lithium eh no good unless its for car batteries

I find myself in the crib listenin' to some Portishead. Ohhhh yeah.

I am thinking about poker and I am thinking about philosophy. I don't want to read and write all day but I also don't want to play poker all day. I don't really know what I want to do for most of my days. What am I skilled at? What is my personality suited for?

I would love to spent part of the day reading Plessner, Luhmann, Apel, Habermas. My time is mostly up though. I need to find an employer that will hire me. I don't really have any confidence in what will suit me. I don't have any confidence if I can even drive my car. It seems like I am up against a lot. I feel a lot of stress. There is nothing to do but go on. Well, there is always suicide which can be a comforting idea. Not today. Not tonight.

Ughhhh, I guess I'll go to Reddit where at least people respond to my posts.

Got some Plessner and Luhmann on the way. I am excited. It's been a while since I got into some good philosophy: Simone Weils, Martin Heidegger, Byung-Chul Han. It has probably been months.

I did all that studying and figuring out GTO Wiz and I haven't really felt like playing poker. Now, that my lithium level is normal I think I feel better. We will see.

So, I drove and went to get some groceries. That is actually a reallly big win for me at this moment. I was not sure if I was going to be able to do that or not. As far as the job search it has been a struggle. Maybe no one cares. I care. I am not sure what to do sometimes. Fighting anxiety I need to do things. It sucks if I am not sure what to do and if I run out of money I will definitely not know what to do.

Poker occupies a lot of time and attention. The point to playing it is to pass time and learn. The computer screen is in vivid color and the rest is black and white. I'm hoping reading Plessner will have the same effect. It seems no one in the world wants me playing poker.

I think poker is more stimulating than most video games. I put in about 8 hours into Alan Wake 2. It is a great fucking game but I basically dropped it like that when I started playing poker again. I prefer more to play video games like Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Celeste, and Tetris. Tetris is a good primer for video games and poker. Tetris can be good recovery too but I have primers and recovery now from a pro hypnotist that work better.

Meditation is going. Exercise is just walking. I'd like to expand that to swimming, Tai Chi, maybe lifting weights. Lifting weights would be maybe the easiest to entry again due to the fact I already know the gym but I can't seem to find a program that I like. A program that I get excited about.

I usually don't pay attention to gratitude which I think is a mistake.

5 things I'm grateful for:

- Yale University Well-ness course
- Fear of God sweat shorts
- Steinberg UR-12 Audio Interface
- My family
- My friends

Interesting that material things entered my mind early. It's just what I was looking at in my immediate area. An immediate area is important. We have to clean our rooms before we can enter the world in a way or at least if the home is depressing it is likely that the person will become depressed.

I really think today's poker player needs to know how to study on a solver, mindset coach, 1v1 poker coach, group study and still put in like x amount of hands that I don't know the number. Probably like 30k - 50k. That plus exercise, meditation, and nutrition. It's changed a lot from the days I could just drink some tea and smoke a blunt and be good to go.

In a fight it is thought that the bigger, faster, stronger person wins. That is, of course, only if the adversery is devoid of any skills. I'll take a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu over the untrained person. Unless the person also has a black belt in BJJ, collegiate wrestling, boxing, and kick boxing. Still then, I would take the person trained in Glock shooting over the martial artist. The person trained in AK-47 shooting over the Glock. This can go on and on: Sniper over AK-47, airstrike over sniper, intercontinental ballistic missiles over airstrike. Then we come to Nuclear annihilation. Nuclear anihilation that annilhilates much if not all. Mutually assured destruction.

The terrors of the world. Some say the USA are the largest terrorist organization on the planet. I'm glad I live here instead of Afghanistan or Palestine. I'm glad the USA are leaders in software and AI. Better than it being China or Russia. People do not like to talk about it but it is wise to scare the shit out of your enemies.

There is quite a bit messed up with the USA but maybe there is still some hope and maybe it's not all messed up. This is what I can hope. I still have to find some slice of bread under capitalism which I am failing at royally. It is difficult to not become bitter and resentfull. Is it possible to just snap out of it? Go get a haircut and a suit and tie?

To be continued?

Happy July 4th?

I like diners, jazz, blues, Fender Stratocasters, interstate highways, The Desert, The Cities, and most places in between.

Would anyone from the USA prefer not to be the leaders in the world in software, AI, and Defense?

I wish I could write like Luhmann. 8:30am - 11:00pm every day. He probably took that schedule after reading everything and had a lot to say. I re-started on my novel, re-wrote the ending, and have been working on that again slowly but surely. It's mostly short bursts of writing. I don't actually want to spend my entire life writing. I don't really know what I want to spend my life on.

Just dropping in until the Mirtazapine hits the blood stream and I can get some sleep.

The anxiety has been hitting me pretty heavy lately. It goes in currents. It peaks and passes. When I am in it it feels encapturing filling up my concsiousness to the gills. Then it drifts away and I am ok. I still have a lot of fear surrounding driving my car. I think the super tremors are mostly gone now that my lithium levels are normal. It's just scary.

"I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode" - Radiohead, Talk Show Host

I can relate.

I have been thinking a lot about agression and violence lately. The problem is that power in many cases is corrupt. I don't have any power or technology or weapons. As anyone can see my blog gets few viewers and virtually no one engaging in discourse. I am better off writing my novel. I am better off finding a job but that has proven to be difficult. I was lucky to have been born into a middle-upper class family but my mental health is debilitating. I wish I could have more say in software, AI, Defense but I am a gnat on the wall. As I have said it makes me feel safe to some degree. Situated in a gated community, white skin, educated. Yet, I feel so fragile. I don't think training with firearms is going to help. I am a sack of meat and bones and organs and blood and what have you. We humans are fragile despite what our egos tell us.

It feels like I am the only one here (on LP). I am so incredibly anxious. I know it peaks and passes but it is rough in the mountain tops. My parents' are going on vacation for 3 weeks and to be honset I don't know what I am going to do.

I don't want to read and write all day. Which maybe puts into question my dream of being a philosophy professor. I have to make room for human connection. exercise, meditation, gratitude, and sleep.

I am grateful for:

- My headphones



- My computer
- The Tree of Knowledge by Maturana and Varela



- Monet



- Rouault

It's these times at night man. The emptiness.

It's ok I got the Portishead goin' in the crib.

I think people should be proud of what they produce in regards to art: Painting, drawing, whatever. So, what if it is not a Van Gogh. Are you Van Gogh? Who cares if it is not photo realistic for that matter. Embrace your style. That goes for any form of expression.

- Rodin , The Toilette of Venus

Let's get this shit to the 3rd page already. I don't know what types of computers and monitors y'all are on the few that view this blog. Page 2 is fine on my monitor but probably not so much on my laptop.

BOOM! Page 3.

I have to manufacture projects to do at night. Posting images on a dead website seems rather silly now that I am writing about it (on a dead website).

It's lonely here with out lostaccount and PuertoRican.

I am putting efforts towards no surf. I don't think I can just go abstinent but harm reduction is maybe what I am looking for.

"The internet is where unhappy people come to congregate." - Annonymous

True? False?

It's funny. Everyone conceived a world like this in which I would be completely alone still blogging but I never thought it would actually happen.

Now that lostaccount posted today that means maybe there is one person that will respond to my blog. Maybe, maybe not. I wish I could say I've been steering clear of the internet but I've basically just replaced it with Discord servers. There is a chance they are a better use of my time and attention but probably not. I could tell you what they are but I don't want anyone killing my fun like Marla Singer in Fight Club. I still cycle through X and Reddit a bit too much for my liking. I think the goal is no surf but cutting everything off completely seems impossible in my current state. A harm reduction strategy means well yet it is difficult to pull off. Internet abstinence seems entirely too lofty though. So, I continue to exist... and I continue to write here. I do have to say my time and attention on here is drastically reduced but it's obviously still greater than 0. If I could handpick 25 or so people to come back and post here I think it would be a great website. I have to live in reality though.

I quit poker before the fight even started. I couldn't prove to Stroggoz or drone or most importantly myself... This is all silliness. Of course, it was wise to quit in my situation. If I ever get on disability I might give it a go especially if I lived in PA or one of the other legal states but I need to figure out a legit income and fast.

Journal #3,158

I just went for a nice walk and a lot of things started hitting me. I live in paradise (aesthetically) yet I am just ok. I don't expect to be happy so if I am not it's not so bad. I am in a gated community surrounded by $600,000 - $2 million+ houses in the suburbs. XXXXXXXXXXX, USA. Many of the driveways in these beautiful homes have basketball hoops. I am mowing the lawn, watering the garden, watching House of Dragons. Except I didn't earn any of this. I would love to have a haircut and a job but it still wouldn't reach this and that's ok. If I don't expect happiness and I am not happy it's not so bad.

I've got my hair slicked back like I'm some Wall Street banker, purple tiedyed shirt, all these damn tattoos, and some hiking boots like I'm in the mountains. I still carry the scars the night I burnt myself with a heated santoku knife. It seems like I have a mid-life crisis seasonally.

I'm weird in that I am looking up Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance to read and then 10 min. later I'm looking up the best book on Subcommandante Marcos.

I remember the day my dad brought home a brand new Cadillac. It felt like he made it. It felt like we made it. This is also to ignore the brand new 5 bedroom home we were living in. I don't come from a working class background. I am not a hillbilly. There are some rough spots in the suburb I grew up in and we were the last stop before farmland but I know nothing of that life.

Fast forward to today and I am mowing the lawn. There was a gentleman wearing a pink polo in a golf cart cruising by. He gave me the neighborly wave and I happily waved back. I would prefer to not have any lawn for a number of reasons but I am the caretaker of the home while my parents are on vacation. It brought me some sense of pride and joy to cut the lawn and wave to neighbors passing by.

Will I ever get a piece of the American Dream? I've been close on multiple occasions but didn't quite make it. Maybe if I just get the right haircut and continue to lose some weight. It probably wouldn't hurt. I want to be more optimistic about my life and the USA and the world. It does seem like there are incredible obstacles to overcome. I have to try.

I don't have a career. I don't have a job. The thought of disability crosses me mind. Then, I'll be trapped for the rest of my life. Sometimes it's ok to slow down. Especially, on a Sunday morning at 3am. I can't sleep. I took a nap. It was glorious but because of that I cannot sleep. No one is reading this. That's ok. It doesn't matter. It feels weird being the only active poster on this website. I wish it were more active but that is not happening. The discord server I thought showed promise is maybe turning out to not be my cup of tea. I guess just keep trying.

I'm always at a crossroads. My tendency is to be anti-establishment but I need the establishment to not starve. I miss my mom's cooking. I am eating some combo of cereal and spaghetti every day. Egg sandwiches.

My hair right now is probably considered grunge. I don't own a suit. I have to get confidence to drive further distances. It's a lot to overcome. I have to try.

I wish I had hair.