Pushit Out - Page 10

As long as my dog and cat are happy.

I would enjoy pets as well like a cat or dog but not atm, glad you have pets rikd. and they are happy -_-

Depends on your personality. I would like to live in a nice home out near the mountains and have a border collie to run around. Maybe a lab to swim in the lake or a golden retreiver. That's only if I had a lot of land and I would still want a cat. 1 cat is perfect because there isn't a lot of stress and no conflict with other cats. In a city apartment 1 cat is perfect.

So the unwanting soul
sees what's hidden,
and the ever-wanting soul
sees only what it wants.

- Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching

My golden retreiver is an old guy at this point. He's 13. I let him sleep in my bed and I typically get him out on walks 2 times a day. Lying in my bed and licking my pillow and the walks are the highlight of his day. He mostly sleeps. He still can get around pretty well I think because of all the consistent walks he's had.

wu wei

I translate that as keep re-reading the Tao Te Ching until my eyes bleed... no it's not that obviously.

I remember getting really into Buddhism. They didn't really like white people or white people with Bipolar I. "They" meaning most monasteries in the USA. I don't blame them. I think looking back on it it is strange how science was looked upon. The "magical" aspects of Buddhism were strange too. Mostly I didn't like not listening to music or eating after noon but realistically, I didn't need to follow those guidelines. Practicing Buddhism and going to Refuge Recovery meetings I think I was actually really happy for a season or so.

I don't know why exactly I remembered this today but I remembered my last social drunk. My last night out on the town. I was buying a round of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) that was popular at the time for a group of Hot Babes. I went out to smoke with them. I then realized I had no idea where my friends were. I had about 30 units of alcohol consumed. The cigarrete in my blood was feeling good too. I was literally lost in Chicago and I make a tear to catch up to wherever they were. I had a bunch of jewelry around my neck smoking the cigarette like a pro strolling my way cooly to a place I was unsure and I overheard some people on the street say, "Wow, that guy is really living in the moment!" and the group agree. I thought I was so cool. Maybe I was cool. I got a Netflilx and chill babe out of it and dating a woman who is wildly out of my league today. A hot future MD with an intellect. Little did anyone know (some people knew) I was a wreck inside. My insides were wretched. But, at the time I was such a force of nature drunk. Today, I am meek, mild, timid, confused, idiotic, daft, dull, etc. The problem is there is no going back. That force of nature is forever gone. It (the drinking) goes straight to full out brokenness. A part of me wants to smoke so I at least have 1 vice but that is a terrible idea and my parents will throw me out of the house.

I have been experimenting with different colognes from over 10 years old. I think all of them have kept their scent profiles. Which google says is possible. I usually just go with a nice smelling body wash + shampoo combo and get compliments that I smell good but some of these colognes smell so good I want to experiment more. I don't want to over do it. Like maybe 2-4 squirts depending on where it is. My favorite is either the Yves Saint Laurent l'nuit d'l'homme and the Jean Paul Gaulthier Le Male. There are just sitting there so I use them to pump me up to write because I like the smell. If my parents let me I'd have candles. It's just a Stimmung (mood/atmosphere) or vibe type thing. The last thing I want to do is be overpowering wearing stale cologne though. I'm like 1/4 French I guess it's no wonder I like French cologne, French red wine/champagne/cognac/cigarettes. But, I think if I had to pick just one designer I'd pick Issey Miyake.

Somtimes I like to think that I'm a cool guy. I think most of the time nowadays it's just not something I think about. I have enough clothes that I can wear them with out having to do too many washes. I get enough food. Sometimes more than enough. I have a house that is safe. I can take shelter and rest in this home. Wanting Issey Miyake is a leak but it's more of an aesthetic recognition. I don't have a suit. I don't even have khakis. Some years ago I wore a plain sweatshirt and jeans to a funeral. It gets complicated because I've lost 45 lbs. but I didn't really keep all that much from 170 lbs me or even 200 lbs. me. I also got to 220 lbs. and felt comfortable there for like a month that was kind of bad but it is what it is.

Alright, I'm sick of typing for now. Imagine if I put this effort into my novel what could be happening there. Oh well, I'm not going to force it. That could just make the story go worse or just lead to too many annoying edits.

So, I know that friends and romantic encounters with the other will make me happy. One thing that the Tao Te Ching was talking about is how happiness is on top of misery. It sits on top of misery. It's why sometimes in epochs of life there is mostly happiness with an under current of misery that can show at any time.

The thing is though, I can't make friends or encounter the other romantically. I have to figure out some other things to do. That is my life.

The weather is finally changing here in California. It's finally hoodie season, and I love it.

I wish Vancouver had cali weather, its been raining like crazy here with atmospheric rain, flooding. its been hoodie weather for awhile now in Vancouver, getting cold I miss summer but I don't mind the rain.

nice rikd keep up with the eastern philosophy its a nice read or watch

+1 hoodie weather!

Re: Eastern philosophy

I don't feel like re-reading Zhuangzi's complete works so I will most likely be content to read the Tao Te Ching twice and think about it for a while and then just have it fade away with me sometimes finding myself on the Way and sometimes not. There is some really priceless stuff in the Tao Te Ching. I'd be wise to read it like once a week.

I'm pumped up. I hit the Python exercises this eveneing and there is good synergy with the MIT lectures.

Stroggoz, how many lectures were you doing in a week?

I have a feeling you were more motivated than me seeing Python as a way out. You are also definitely better than me at Math and have more natural talent for coding than me. w u w e i

“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Nvm

I would rather be a writer than a coder but being a bad writer is probably worse than being a bad coder? I was spending quite a lot of time on writing that ole novel. It was just pouring out of me. Now it just feels like a cliched trope. David Foster Wallace already did the recovery thing and he did it exceptionallly well. I just found out today a guy I knew wrote a recovery trope novel too that probably, actually, looks really good. It does not look like a lot of people have bought it but it did get published. I don't know why I thought I could write a good story in that sphere but for 2 weeks I just wrote and wrote. I wonder how many dumbass addicts like me thought they could sit down and write a good story. At least I got to 30,000 words I guess. I may even get motivated to finish it.

I think at this point that I don't have employment I need one or the other or both (coding and writing). There's a lot of hours in the day to do stuff but I shouldn't be wasting attention. Imagine the potential if I quit both coding and writing? What would flourish from that?

lol there is no way some idiot just writes for a month and gets published. its probably a grind like everything else.

I never said that. I said if I wrote 2 hours a day for 10 years maybe there is a shot. That is a collossal waste of time though if I suck or I would have to find it really fun. It just kind of sucks that I fell into a shitty trope (recovery memoir). I would have to pull it off really well which so far I don't think that's really the case.

I'm reading Ada, or Ardor which is an example of a great romance novel although it's incest which makes it way more interesting.

I'm reading Infinite Jest which largely is a recovery (memoir) novel. He does it so well that it doesn't matter that it's a shitty trope.

Then, I find out this random guy got a shitty recovery memoir trope published although from the description it sounds pretty good.

Of course, some idiot like me isn't going to sit down for a month and produce a clean fucking brilliant piece of literature. In fact, it's torture that I have tried so many mediums and I'm not great at anything. I haven't been creative writing that long so there is still hope. The nice thing about creative writing is there is a low barrier to entry and it doesn't cost anything but time and attention. I love painting but I need a studio and supplies for example.

There are few things for me more wholesome than smiling and saying "hi" to people around the neighborhood when I am walking the dog. That's the only time I get out of the house anymore. I had lunch planned with a friend but work called her in. There was this one woman jogging today I could see from afar that her silhouette was attractive. I don't like to jump to that but I am a still a virile man. She gave a great smile but with her eyes as well. I think she was high from the jog and the weather. It made my hour (I'm so lonely).

I watched a movie that I liked too which seems rare for me these days. I usually just don't watch anything because nothing looks good but my friend suggested that Wim Wenders had a new one out (2023) called Perfect Days. It's about a city worker that cleans toilets but obviously it's more than just that. Also, very wholesome. Rated PG. Japanese. It was right down my alley for last night.

I have some early Jim Jarmusch I'll watch when I have access to Max on the downstairs TV.

I'm just killing some time before dinner. Getting into the habit of killing time is a killer. Time and attention is extremely valuable.

Dead Man (1995) by Jim Jarmusch is a film I just watched that I enjoyed.

I am getting signals from the Universe to simplify. Cut off all this hair and don't use hair product. Simplify my wardrobe. It's too many clothes and not enough clothes. Prune it like a Bansai tree. Instead of writing these sprawling novels I should be writing Haikus. Practice calligraphy. Simplify all aspects of my life.

Leaves falling down now,
With the patter of raindrops,
Yellow leaves shining.