Pushit Out - Page 11

Sweet magnolia / The brown leaves on the ground near / Time will come again

O snake plant, snake plant / green plasma portruding forth / gives me oxygen

If you are looking for a good translation of the Taoteching, Red Pine does a fantastic job (best so far).

I'm just going to fill this whole page with Haikus and book suggestions no one will ever read.....

Time marches on..... Time marches on..... Time marches on.......

I wake up, give the dog a walk, run some errands, make some dinner, holy shit it's like 8pm...... What do I do at 8pm on a Wednesday? (Time flies by)

I got a haircut today. I am going for simplification in my life. Buzzcut Fade 3-2-1 with a beard trim. It feels good man. Just have to look in all directions to simplify. Then I am left laying in my bed staring out the window or posting blogs on here....... Waste of a life. Wut ken i do?

I do admit that I regret donating a shit ton of books to the library that I would have read or re-read. Especially, the re-read part because I have bought some of them a 2nd time. I used to have 3 large bookshelves and now I only have 1 large bookshelf. I do feel that I have too much stuff. My whole room could use a pruning and a cleaning.

Some times I just feel the heaviness of existence and I am grasping at things to relieve that pressure. I should start studying Buddhism again even if it is more difficult in this (USA) culture. I still don't know what to do sometimes when the existential dread hits. I run to the internet but that has been limited to LP these days. So, I run to LP..... There is nothing here. It's hard to make something out of nothing on this website. My self-obsessed blogs are not something worthwhile. I'll try and figure out something else to do.......

Reading Basho Haikus and the Taoteching can put me in the right mindset.

I'm trying to think of how I can add value to this website. It's really just lostaccount, PR, and myself left. How can I turn nothing into something. Call me Crescent Moon. Obviously, there is nothing that can be done at this space and time. I mess around a bit posting random things. It's a compulsion and compulsion is compulsion.

I don't want to think about what I am grateful for although I know it would help me in some way.

I don't think I can be helped either.

This is how I am feeling right now:



It would be powerful of me to accept solitude and accept poverty but I am not that powerful.

Draped in Spanish moss / Crepe myrtle otherwise bare / Autumn winds blowing

Pond quiet and still / Turtle basking in the sun / Alligator lurks

Palm trees standing strong / Awaiting the autumn wind / Hot pink Muhly grass

half moon half glowing / a light in the dark showing / something from nothing

long day's journey to / autumn winds blowing sharply / half moon glowing bright

lone yellow sulfur / fluttering about with none / autumn migration

I'll hold off on the haiku for a bit of Sunday night reflection. I don't feel that great to be honest. I felt better this morning with my readings being fresh for the day, practicing DuoLingo, and walks. I was in the flow. Now, I just feel alone. I feel like I am destined to be alone. I am on a group text with some old friends. It just felt like I was late to the party because I was late to the party. I was charging my phone and forgot about it but the whole thing just did not give me a good feeling. Then I called one of my supposed good friends and he hasn't called me back. I was also supposed to have lunch today with a friend but she forgot about it or did not feel like going. It just feels like I am holding on to some kryptonite or something. I am not supposed to want but I want friends and I think that is reasonable. The Taoteching is not the only book of wisdom in the world. Human connection is important.

What have I been doing to cope? Well, I have been obsessing about colognes and clothing. That is my recent obsession. I don't have any money to buy the stuff so it's pretty stupid.

At the base of all of this is my fear of driving. I'm not hitting the exposure therapy hard enough or the right way. I see a neurologist in December. Maybe he will have some answers.

I don't want to be isolated and I don't want to be broke. Maybe that is my destiny. Maybe I should get acceptance. Maybe I am destined to be a reclusive hermit. Not driving and having no money really puts a boundary on what I can accomplish in the world.

i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?

On November 11 2024 18:03 CurbStomp2 wrote: i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?

I don't drive at all. I take an Uber to work every day.

At my age, I've just gotten so used to not driving. I don't think it'll change, especially since I know I will retire in a country that isn't super reliant on driving. That being said, it's not cheap to Uber to work every day, so I wouldn't recommend doing it unless you have the funds for it.

On November 11 2024 18:03 CurbStomp2 wrote: i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?

Fear of crashing. Driving into a marsh / river. Fear of horrible injury. Fear of death. There was a time when I would shake uncontrollably and it freaked me out. Probably due to lithium poisoning but it still freaked me out. I'm seeing a neurologist in December. They are over-booked and under-staffed so I couldn't get an appointment until then. I know most will not understand or think I am an idiot but it is what I am going through. There is nothing anyone can say either. Well, not really. My therapist can coach me through exposure therapy but that has not helped.

Anyways, I think the driving thing is between my psychiatrist, neurologist, therapist, and myself. I don't expect any answers here.

To change the subject:



I'm loving this song at the moment. Looked up Peggy Gou and was infatuated with her beauty. I don't know how to stop my male gaze from objectifying women. I know that she is a complicated human being but I can't help but notice beauty. Beauty is a feeling I can't control.







I finished Death's End of the 3 Body Problem Trilogy last night. I think I may have read the last 20% of the book yesterday. Made for a good day. I don't always get life experience like that. I definitley suggest it to anyone who likes sci-fi.

Listening to some Royksopp. Reminds me of sleeping in my pitch black room in Malta high as a motherfucker. So high I think I might die or see ghosts. Then, I just focus on the music and travel to other dimensions. I don't need that in my life today. It's just amusing thinking back. It just shows the depths of hell drinking can get me. I'll give up traveling to different dimensions in order to not enter hell.

I have 3 fragrances right now from back in the day: Jean Paul Gaulthier Le Male, Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme, and Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De l'homme. They are quite good. It's all I'm going to have for now because fragrances are not a need.

It can be tough living only for need. I want what I want when I want it. What is enough?



Should I resign myself to becoming a hermit for non-religious reasons? That sounds like a bad idea to me. I should make enough that I can survive. Clothes are a tricky one for me because I need clothes. I care about clothing. I don't need Issey Miyake. I have enough clothes to survive. I bought some socks today because I've been noticing a lot of my socks have holes. They were cheap so we'll see how that goes. 70% merino wool is a plus but part of the other 30% was acrylic which is a plastic that I fucking paint with. Don't know what that is doing in socks. It was 6 pairs of socks for $24. That seems reasonable. I wanted to go with Darn Tough socks but they were $24 per pair! Everyone has to wear socks. What kind of socks do you like?

How did you decide on the socks that you wear?

Most of my boxer briefs are raggedy and have holes in them but it doesn't matter because I'm an incel. No Hot Babe 10 is going to see me in my boxer briefs so it really doesn't matter. They are 100% black Bread and Boxer boxer briefs but Bread and Boxer doesn't even do business in the USA anymore and they are too expensive for me anyways today.

I think it's fascinating how we curate our wardrobes and the reasons behind it. Same with interior decorating.

Tribe Called Quest at night is a helluva suggestion guys.

I'm not sure how to follow that last post. I don't feel like sleeping yet I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about a lot of things. This driving thing is my cross to bear. This employment thing is my cross to bear. I am feeling a bit of despair around these items. I am trying to figure out where the hope is. Suicidal thoughts start to creep in. These thoughts can be comforting. I don't want to go yet though. 44 seems a bit old for self-harm.

Besides all that. I don't even know anymore. I finished Red Pine's version of the Taoteching. I enjoyed the translation and the commentary. Best yet.

I was completely layered and draped in black today. I think it's a good look. I could make it my uniform. I have been going for more of a minimalist vibe lately. I still have some simplifying to do with my room. I won't actually wear all black everyday because that is not my existing wardrobe and I can't afford new clothes.

I am depressed. I am depressed because I am trapped. Trapped in disability or trapped in employment. It's starting to hit a bit stronger even though I try to suppress it. I try to escape. It works sometimes for short periods of time. That is basically what I live for now a days. Maybe nothing has changed my entire life.

she looks like shit compared to this woman i saw at a supermarket today. i saw her from behind and her hair was so on point, like this fucking game of thrones long blonde princess hair. I knew she had to have a beautiful face as well, cause you don't invest that much into your hair, if your face is fucking ugly. i was right, she was pretty. the american mutts don't compare.

I would imagine the women in Finland on average are fitter than in the USA. I personally like mutts. Not that it really matters because I am in no place to have kids or even date.