Pushit Out - Page 3

anti-viral not to be confused with anti-virile

my blog is anti-viral

my virility is diminishing but it's not dead

Being a "loser" at 40 is tough man. It's hard not to be bitter and resentful at times. Comparing my virility at a buffed up 28 versus today... It's my own fault but it's also inevitable. It starts to become clear at 40. I guess people just get used to it. There are more changes a comin'.

Don’t compare just be ur best version gl rikd

Very true.

In other news, I killed my 2009 Macbook Pro w/ 17'' screen today. That thing is an artifact. Great computer. I went on there to tinker with my resume because I love Pages and don't even have Microsoft Word on my Microsoft laptop or desktop. The Macbook Pro barely started and was running painfully slow. It was time. 15 years I had that laptop. It was a legend. RIP.

I feel trapped. I am suffocating. I can't find any remote jobs and I can't drive.

take the transit?

On September 11 2024 00:36 RiKD wrote: I feel trapped. I am suffocating. I can't find any remote jobs and I can't drive.

Public transit for sure. A monthly bus pass isn't expensive.

Also, since you don't go to a gym, I'd recommend riding a bike to work. You could even do a mix between riding a bus and bike, depending on how far your home is from your job.

In 2024, if you live in Canada or USA, you can't use "I can't drive" as an excuse when it comes to working/finding a job. I mean, you can use it as an excuse, but it's a pretty bad/sad excuse, imo.

Good luck

prayers

On September 11 2024 05:00 PuertoRican wrote: Show nested quote + On September 11 2024 00:36 RiKD wrote: I feel trapped. I am suffocating. I can't find any remote jobs and I can't drive. Public transit for sure. A monthly bus pass isn't expensive. Also, since you don't go to a gym, I'd recommend riding a bike to work. You could even do a mix between riding a bus and bike, depending on how far your home is from your job. In 2024, if you live in Canada or USA, you can't use "I can't drive" as an excuse when it comes to working/finding a job. I mean, you can use it as an excuse, but it's a pretty bad/sad excuse, imo. Good luck

Closest bus stop is 15 min. drive away and it would be dangerous / senseless to try and bike there.

How bad do u want to win rikd?

Not bad enough if ur making excuses

I probably couldn't make that bike ride in less than an hour and like I said I am not even sure if it's possible with normal traffic.

Running a new trial. No Twitter and no New York Times. No news outlets at all. It's taking up too much space and it's mostly a non-rewarding doomscroll (that I can still get addicted to!) I'm heavy on Nietzsche and comic books at the moment. Searching for a new fiction. I was on a good run there: The Brothers' Karamazov, Who Fears Death, There Is No Antimemetics Division were all stellar reads. I was just meh on Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I would be willing to take suggestions on here for my next fiction. I need something good to drown out the fact I'm almost broke with no job and my mental illness including my fear of driving and the fact that my car is barely safe to drive anyways and have no money to fix it.

I would highly recommend the Three-Body Problem trilogy by Liu Cixin. Finished the last book last week and it was a wild ride.

sell the car, take transit, get a job n profit?

On September 15 2024 04:02 Loco wrote: I would highly recommend the Three-Body Problem trilogy by Liu Cixin. Finished the last book last week and it was a wild ride.

Thank you!

On September 15 2024 17:01 lostaccount wrote: sell the car, take transit, get a job n profit?

Transit is not an option where I live.

In the Gay Science (Joyful Wisdom), Nietzsche says he must write in order to get his thoughts out of his head. I'm on the same page.

I'm coding again and by coding I mean copying code out of a book and getting it to run. I don't know what my expectations are. I just like the aesthetics. My text editor (atom) and terminal (powershell) are both in dark mode and the code just looks cool. It's also fun to learn stuff. I feel like at this point I won't be able to catch AI but it has got to be a better activity than porn, masturbation, orgasm (PMO), sports, red v blue political circus, and posting on here...

Now, the question is is learning to code a better use of my attention than any other number of things?

I'm pretty happy with my comic book / manga consumption. I've got a new trilogy to read. I've got all the Nietzsche a guy could ever want. Honestly, though, I am teetering on the verge of massive depression. I have no social life. I feel a pressure sometimes as heavy as the Earth itself. Sometimes I am absolutely sick of myself. I'm keeping it together somehow. Novelty in art keeps me going. Existence is so strange. My existance seems so sad. Not a whole lot of hope. It seems insurmountable but I got a new book to read. I've got decent food to eat. A nice bed to sleep in. I was telling my therapist that maybe that is part of the problem. As uneasy as I can be I'm mostly pretty comfortable. Less so lately. When I say I'm trapped and suffocating that is what it feels like sometimes.

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It feels like my problems are permanent even though they are probably temporary. I can't commit suicide yet because I want to find out what happens in this book. I want to listen to this radiohead song. I want to live.

I have seen those suicide chambers in Canada where you die ~30 sec after the door closes. That freaks me out. I obviously wouldn't want to leave a mess for my parents. It would be tragic enough as it is. In the moment, I think I would want to do a vial of poison.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it gets one through many a dark night." - Nietzsche

Carbon Monoxide while I sleep probably isn't a bad way to go

but

such a pretty garden

never again