I read because that is the only way I know how to live. I'm probably somewhere in the absurdist range. I try to find meaning for some reason but in reality it is just hobbies. So, I listen to Crystal Castles and Grimes like I'm some 14 yr old emo goth hipster from 15 years ago. That actually explains a lot. I am a warped 14 year old emo goth hipster trapped in a 44 year old body. I wear black a lot and read Nietzsche and Heidegger. I'd hang out at the hipster coffee shop if there was one in walking distance. I wrote a novella that kind of sucks. I've probably got about an EP worth on Ableton that sucks far more. I have no job, no money, no future. I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
It's all hobbies and some chase for transcendence. It's barely good enough that most nights I don't comfort myself with thoughts of suicide.
I don't want to go on a streak of numbing myself with work but I need money so badly that I wouldn't be against numbing myself with work. Even though it's a waste of life. My life now is not a waste of life entirely but there is no life with out money.
All I bought with money is toys. It did not expand my life. I didn't have enough to travel to Japan. Toys to play with in my castle. Toys to make shitty music in Ableton. I should probably go through my computer and free up memory with all the shit I've gone through. Video games. Video games are actually really awesome. I should find a really good video game and play the shit out of it. My $1,000 desktop CPU at the time probably can't even run new games. I never beat Alan Wake II. I noticed my computer would get really hot playing it. I only put in about 8 hours into that game. It was pretty good. I wonder if I even remember how to play it. I could always go back to Diablo IV but that seems like a really bad idea. See I always need something new (novel). New, new, new. Something to keep my mind off of anxiety, fear, death.
Sometimes there is only so much time one can spend on problems and the problems are so harrowing that one needs escape. Also, I always need to be learning something or it doesn't feel like I am doing it right.
I had a therapy appointment today and it kind of shook me up. She just asked me 21 questions that were heavy hitters. It forced me to get out of my bubble and my routine and really think about things. I can tell I am still a little bit scrambled from this fucking scrambled up blog post. I feel I should write about it but I don't know what I would write. I don't even know what I would write...
Some good news is my blood sugar was totally normal today. I still have some weight to lose. I have hit a plateau. I remember Ray Cronise saying sometimes we hit barriers that aren't so easy to overcome. One thing I have noticed is EVERYONE is happy I am not obese but I think some people maybe get a little jealous if you go from overweight to normal or normal to in great shape. I shouldn't really care about this but subconsiously I think I do. It's something to be aware of. My liver still wants me / needs me to lose more weight. I shouldn't ease up until I hit about 180 lbs. imo and really I should be going balls to the wall until I hit 170 lbs.
I just like listening to a Chill Mix on Spotify and winding down. I don't want to start some coding project at this time. I guess I'll draw.
I was drawing straight from my imagination which is fun but what I really need is to go out into nature and draw what I see. That's a Da Vinci level activity. It just feels wrong to google rose and then pick one and draw it from a screen.
Liquidpoker is the last form of the internet I haven't banned myself from. I think it shows. If I do it right I'm out in nature going for a hike and drawing what I see. If I do it wrong I hop back onto Twitter and Discord and waste my potential. I don't know if I have any talent in anything at this point but I won't find out if I'm stuck on the internet scrolling doom. Even if it isn't actual doom it might as well be.
Jean Paul Gauthier Le Male cologne + cognac + strong tobacco in a pipe (or Gauloise cigarettes or a nice cigar) = it.
I am still grieving my Macbook Pro 17'' screen. I got it when it first came out. I remember going to some hipster cafe and sitting down with that bad boy. Some Hot Gurl 8.5 started flirting with me almost immediately. It wouldn't be the last time something like that happened. For cultish Apple Gurlz it's an easy game. Considering I think I paid like $3,500 for it I'm sure it would work on just about any Hot Gurl 6.5+. You think my Lenovo Thinkpad has that sort of pull?
Sick desktop setups wouldn't really matter either I don't think unless the guapa was into that sort of thing. Not even with my Le Corbusier lamp. My only consideration for purchasing something is the status that it will have with women. Actually, that is not true at all. I'm poor as fuck. My consideration is will it work for an appropriate amount of time?
I make these posts like I am above incels but I'm really not. Just because I used to have sex sometimes I am still firmly in the incel camp at the moment and as I age it becomes more and more difficult to get out of that zone.
hah, I remember when Loco told me I was like a mad person in the village that yells into a well. That would be therapeutic too. Sometimes when I used to drive I would turn on music that I liked with screaming and scream away. "PRYING OPEN MY THIRD EYE" * 4
I literally banned myself from the internet besides google search (I hear perplexity is better?), Liquidpoker.net, that MIT python course, and I could discover more which is what I hoped would happen but I just come on here and BLAAABBER.
Here I am, stuck in a hotel room with my dog that was barking. Trying to get used to this Lenovo Thinkpad keyboard and mouse setup. I quite like this keyboard actually. Not nearly as nice as my blue switch key mechanical keyboard at home but pretty nice for a laptop. I don't know if my dog is going to bark or not. I gave him some tranquilizers so hopefully he will mellow the fuck out. I'm getting kind of hungry too. Don't know how long this food will take to get here.
Stimming suggested this laptop to make music from. That's when I got the Akai midi controller, mic setup, Steinberg UR12 audio interface and Ableton 11. I don't really make music anymore but it was fun while it lasted. I still use the audio interface to connect to the mic and my l337 headphones. I don't even know if it makes a difference compared to just plugging the headphones directly into the computer.
Not a bad keyboard though. I think the caps lock gets stuck but other than that pretty pretty good. Have a good one LP!
Still stuck in a hotel room with my parents. They are blasting the tv so it's hard for me to focus on reading. I started writing code from imagination. I suck at coding. So, I am stimming listening to Stimming. Posting on here might be the greatest of all my 'tisms. I got a case of the 'tisms and I'm stimming to Stimming.
I figure I'll go up and see my family before I kill myself. Hopefully, seeing my family leads to not wanting to kill myself. What if it backfires and seeing my crazy ass family increases the want to kill myself?
Damn, I really like this fucking keyboard. Bravo Lenovo! I also love this fucking font. Bravo Meat. Meat was a cool guy. I remember we watched a Nederlanden football match and cruised around Vegas in his rented car that he wasn't supposed to smoke in but he was smoking like a boss.
I am a Seeker. Seeker at my peril. Not as extreme as I used to be but that shit is deep in my blood. A seeker, a thinker, a drinker*.
* - I no longer drink alcohol. Mostly water and sparking water and coffee and tea
If I were to drink today it would likely go sideways fast. Last time I drank it was real bad and it was pretty bad for a while.
I got to get my coding up though. If I draw based on my imagination some crazy shit evolves. My coding it's like bush league shit. Oh well, I just have to be patient and consistant. Coding and 3-body problem trilogy is all I have in the world except I'll be visiting family so I'll have that but they have kids and work and shit. I want to start writing another novel but I have to reallly think long and hard regarding how I want the story to go or I'll end up writing myself into walls. Ideally, I know how the story ends before I start writing or just fucking take a creative writing class or something. I wish I was writing a novel right now but I don't want to write an improv novel like the first one. My sister wrote a 400 some page "romantasy" book so I'll have to ask her how it went and trade secrets. Alright, my phone is charged it's time to get the fuck out of here. Bye!
Phew. Finally off the damn road for a bit. That was stressful driving with the rain and the wind all of the damn time. I wasn't even driving and my anxiety was not in a great place.
So, get this I'm eating lunch with my brother and obv the only thing I can talk about is the 3 body problem so I ask my brother about it and he is like, "... Yeah, I did my PhD in theoretical physics on the 3 body problem..." So, yeah he knows a thing or two about it. He didn't seem that excited though that there is an amazing sci fi trilogy about it. It's hard to read him these days.
I feel like I should be coding or writing a novel. These blogs take away my fire. It is Sunday though. The day of rest. I'm watching the Browns in a sports bar at 4pm. That is a long time from now. I know I said no sports but the Browns games are probably the peak of my family socializing. It would be anti-social not to attend and I barely get to see my family in a year. I enjoy the strategy and the athleticism of the NFL but the games are long and advertisements all the time are draining. It's good for me to get some human connection but I don't think it's great for my spirit to be in sports bars surrounded by alcohol. I am used to it by now but I think I just get a little bit of chinks in the ole armor. The human connection fills me up. It's actually nice that my family is a little juiced up leading to more talkativeness, enthusiasm, cheerfullness.
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United States. Sep 24 2024 03:44. Posts 9043
