Pushit Out - Page 7

On September 28 2024 16:23 CurbStomp2 wrote: as we finns say: Mene suihkuun ja nukkumaan. Huomenna töihin. Muuta neuvoa ei tule.

I like this saying. I've always like The Finns.

I think the most intersting thing from the last page was when I asked my brother about the 3 body problem and he responded that he had written his 200 page dissertation on it. I did a double take.

I am mostly content although there is a storm brewing underneath. I was exactly right that my family on some alcohol is more fun honestly. Although I am still a bit of an outcast it seems. It sucks being a deadbeat loser. I hope I can make it up with my soul and my spirit. My heart. It's hard to have heart after everything I've been through but as Nietzsche says what does not kill me makes me stronger. Some days it feels like I can muster the strength of Atlas. Others I'm stuck in pity and misfortune. Just have to sleep it off and see what I can do tomorrow. I did a lot of drawing and calligraphy today. It passed the time. It really gets me in a nice zone and relaxes me to do drawings and calligraphy.

I've been thinking of getting involved with some creative writing classes to some degree. Not sure yet if there are any good free online courses. A private tutor is pretty damn expensive and unneeded imo. Maybe a good free online course or something brick and mortar local. I have some ideas for my next novel I am just unsure how to actually put that into writing. I hit a lot of walls in my first novel and everything is at least slightly wrong with it. The heart and soul is there but I don't think the story is even that compelling. A lot of people tell me I should write a memoir but my life for the last 8 years has not been all that interesting or maybe the last 8 years are the most interesting. Well, it didn't turn out great my first novel as a more or less an auto-fiction. I think I can use my imagination for a proper fiction and it will at least be more fun and maybe turn out better. Any tips or leads are appreciated.

I am a parasite. A leech. A tick. A vampire.

I live off of my parents at this point. It's sad. What am I going to do when they die?

I think I need a cup of tea. The world keeps turning.

How can I have another day of perfect 70 degrees and a cheerful breeze when the sun is so far away and so hot? It's like a beautiful coincidence.

Radiohead is Radiohead but The Smile is The Smile...

I usually drink water from the refridgerator but I have been drinking Liquid Deaths and San Pellegrinos...

I got out into the forest today and had a grand time. It was not super deep forest but it was nice. Nice babbling brook and the bird and bug noises.

I did some more drawing and calligraphy today. I was drawing with magic markers it reminds me of painting more than drawing.

The problem with my novel or rather a problem of my novel is I think there are too many journal entry type anecdotes. No one gives a shit about any of this. People want a good story not a story about how I went to the strip club and jizzed my pants one time. Over and over. Some anecdote when I dj'd at a bar and had women twerking on me and dancing on the tables and going crazy. It's also unbelievable that some loser that fattens up on fried chicken for every meal pulls two HB 10s at a club when he's broke and forever alone. I mean it happened in real life but not when I was an incel neet loser parasite living off of my parents. So, I sit here every night listening to Rabbit in the Headlights by UNKLE trying to make things ok before I go to sleep. It's better than watching Frasier with my parents. Fucking laugh tracks. I'm a stunted 44 year old parasite loser. Have I said that already? I'm trying to unleash the sub-conscious self-hatred. I think I have a pretty strong spirit though underneath it all. If that is extinguished I am really a goner.

I just connect with Thom Yorke and Johnny Greenwood (Radiohead / The Smile). They make me feel like life might be worth it.

Boredom == mental relaxation == something we all should become comfortable with (True). The opposite of boredom is hectic, new, strange.

Just for a moment there everything was in it's right place. It's hard to say for the present because I am not cognizant of it. Looking at the past correctly takes rigor. The future requires large brush strokes. Maybe 2 or 3 coats. Refinement as it becomes nearer.

I'm doing the best I can. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can.

n = 999999999

(I can try the best I can the best i can is good enough) * n

I spent about a half a day with my nephew today. What is cool about children is that they have an abundance of imagination and the ability to learn. One of the bad things about children is they can be relentlessly capricious. Spending 24 hours with one is definitely not my cup of tea. Small doses. I come visit my family and I am happy I don't have children. I sit in my bunker at home forever alone and I can start drifting off that I want a wife and kids. I am not really fit for all of that so it's kind of a moot issue. I am somewhat damaged and I can't seem to fix myself no matter how hard I try.

I wonder if I have a lot of rage deep down somewhere. Maybe I have a lot of outlets to unleash it in small doses. I try to unleash it in safe doses.

My brother and his wife are selfish people. They act as if it is them against the world and don't really give a shit about other people. I try to understand this mentality. I am not saying everyone should be hand in hand singing koombaya... I can see how having a kid and a family changes things. Climbing the corporate ladder probably changes things too. I don't know. I don't like saying this but I am unsure if I like the person my brother is becoming (has become). This could come off as some anti-capitalist thing. I don't know if it's that.

I want it to be like when we were playing Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past on our first ever console that we owned (SNES).

But, alas, we can never get the past back. Especially our romanticized fragments of memory. We only have today. We only have now.

This is how I'm copin'. This is how I'm spending my time (yeesh). Listening to Rusty Nails by Moderat has me in a good mind space though.

Children are parents' vanity. It gets complicated when everyone comes together as adults. Maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. I don't know how it doesn't get complicated.

I am somewhat damaged. I am still trying to fix myself. To pick up the pieces or continually chisel them off. I don't know which one it is. My soul is strong.

How much mental relaxation do I need in a day? Despite coding I am doing nothing new or strange or taxing really.

Sometimes I just need to get away. I need a vacation from my vacation. I don't know where I would go. I am trapped in this house. I am trapped in this house. I am trapped in this consciousness...

That's ok. Soon it will be 3 Body Problem - The Dark Forest and sleep. My sweet escape. As long as I don't have nightmares...

Another night of listening to Rabbit in Your Headlights by UNKLE while my parents watch Frasier. We are throwing our lives away with our choices. At least I'm not scrolling somewhere...

Typing on here is not living life though. Reflection can be important. I'm definitely over-doing it here but like I said this is how I'm copin'. This is how I'm spending my attention. I could do a python problem but supposed to be winding down. Not enough attention for that. Not enough attention for much. It's more or less my bedtime. Bye!!

Just a tidy little mornin'. I'm about to eat some lunch. Not enough time to fit in a python lecture. I did my python reading this mornin'. Tried to do a Cezzane with markers. Cezzane is fucking good.

I can't quite decide what I want to do with learning more about creative writing. On Writing by Stephen King is the most recommended book but I didn't love King's writing. What I'll probably end up doing is taking an online course at Wesleyan College.

Fuck it man, it's a waste of attention posting blogs at this time of the day. Gotta do some python exercises. Ciao!!

My apologies...

It's Cezanne.

I'm at my sister's place now. It's pretty chill. Everyone is doing their own thing; it's pretty awesome. No one is socializing. My brother-in-law is watching soccer at his computer, my sister is reading a book and drinking wine, my parents are watching bad tv as usual, and I am wasting my life posting blogs while listening to Radiohead as usual. I don't even know where I am sleeping tonight otherwise I would be reading The Dark Forest. I already did a fair amount of coding today. I don't like to start big coding projects late at night. I don't have a giant chest of markers at my disposal here either or I would practice more Cezanne. I wish I knew how to do the mark over the e on Microsoft. I am too lazy to look it up. Mac OS is far superior to Microsoft when it comes to calligraphy. I am not even trying to run any new video games on this laptop so the benefits of Microsoft are not really there.

Tomorrow, I want to do some drawings in the forest. I'll probably do some Python exercises too to keep that moving along. Reflecting on the day is supposed to be a good thing but who really knows?

My writing needs improvement. Which is why I am reading The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I was assigned to read this back in University and I never opened the book. The Professor had one goal of the class: "I'm going to teach y'all how to wriiittteee" in his thick Texas drawl.

This morning I awoke to the sunrise out of my bedroom window. I made some coffee and put a bagel in the toaster. I use Oatleys oat milk and oat cream cheese. At least one of my meals in a day is vegan. After that, I putter about listening to Shuggie Otis's album Freedom Flight. I read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I went for a walk in the light forest by the Mohawk River; it was beautiful. I am sensitive with nature. I am sensitive with beauty. The sun was shining brightly. It was nice to escape the heat under the air-conditioned trees. I met a woman on the walk. She was pale with black hair and black eyes. Her soul was strong. I met her with my soul and enriched spirit from the hike so far. I was not thinking about being a parasite. Does a deadbeat have a working heart? There were Bonobo chimpanzees eating green in the distance. I fancied this woman. She had a pleasant face and simple hiking clothing. We exchanged hellos but it was time to move on. Would I ever see this woman again?

The river was spectacular in the sun. There was a field of golden asters as I left the forest. The butteflies moved to warmer climate. All that was left was the stony dirt road beneath my feet. It was time to move on...

On October 04 2024 16:48 RiKD wrote: The river was spectacular in the sun. There was a field of golden asters as I left the forest. The butteflies moved to warmer climate. All that was left was the stony dirt road beneath my feet. It was time to move on...

Everything is in dark mode. I love it. I finally got a dark mode extension for Chrome. LP is batshit but I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Why am I writing this?

Who knows. I had an espresso after dinner so I am up and ready to go.

I am proud of my sister. She has written a 440 page novel that she loves. We were up talking about writing for 2 hours tonight. I'm pumped to start my next novel but I am not ready for that yet. I need some education on creative writing: outlines, character development, plot development, settings, pacing, etc. Plus, I need a good story to tell. A story that I must tell. I can't go into it so unprepared. My first novel ended up too loose, too rambly, too improvised, and too personal. It just was not It. It was still fun to write and I learned a lot.

I do not have a whole lot to say tonight. I had some Italian for dinner so who can complain about a thing like that? The Italians do food better than anyone on the planet. My brother-in-law who seems overly introverted and mercurial at times has really bonded with his son (my nephew) and that is a wonderful thing to see. My sister already has the entire trilogy mapped out in an outline. It is great to see her passionate about something. Beyond human connection we need projects that we are excited about. Life can be pretty boring without them. "Most people live lives of quiet desperation." Day to day living can be rather mundane and boring especially as we age. Health is important too. I feel a lot better that I have lost 40 lbs. but there is still a lot more to go. Having check ups every day with a Doctor and being totally obsessed about health is silly though. The Good Life requires health to an extent but only in terms of being able to live liife fully. I am not living life fully typing all of these blogs up but these blogs are not drawing dead. There is an aspect of these blogs that bring me clarity or open up new ideas or they are just the ramblings of a mad man that has a problem with compulsive egocentric sharing.

Ok. I need my beauty sleep. Time to go for now.

Why must one write?

I am sitting in a hotel room as my parents' watch bad tv. It was a good vacation although I still searched for jobs and revised my resume. I got to talk to my brother for 2 hours one of the nights and my sister for one of the other nights. I have not had stimulating conversation like that in a while. It is definitely something that is missing in my life. It is a matter of whether or not I seek out that engagement when I get home. I have few friends. I would like to change. It is one of the most important things I would like to change; friends and employment. It is clear that after a week full of human connection that human connection is something I yearn for. Friends and employment will solve this problem.

I am sitting here on this comfortable hotel bed listening to Daft Punk typing up a blog in my own customized dark mode. It pleases me. Earlier in the day, I was sitting in a car driving down the highway. It did not please me. I am a vector headed home but for now it is time to rest and recover. I am trying to think. I am trying to think what I learned on this excursion. Besides unbehaved children it was a dream of a week. I need to immerse myself in Python and my next novel. Python for me now is fairly structured I just have to follow through. My next novel needs a lot of work. It is just a blank black page at this point but at least I figured out to write it in Google Docs in dark mode in Verdana font. I still have not started the Creative Writing online course from Wesleyan College. I have been reading and re-reading Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I am preparing to improve on my first effort. The thing about writing is that it is a craft that can be worked on as long as one is cogent. Writing may be slow and laborious at times but turning nothing into something is intoxicating. I am not ready for my second novel but I will be.

Finally, I am back home. I am sipping a cool La Croix and it feels good to be out of the car. I did not have anything planned for today but I am happy to be clicking the keys of my Shanzhai mechanical keyboard. I am listening to Teardrop by Massive Attack. It is a vibe. It is fun to just clack away at the keyboard with wreckless abandon and to think that that is a way to write. While pleasurable it leads to too many loose sentences. At worst, it leads to disaster. I realize all these blog posts are egocentric. I am an egocentric sharer. It is doubtful anyone really cares how I am feeling at 3pm on a Monday. I am off my guard and not sure what to do. I am just happy to be off of the road and in my comfortable Shanzhai Aeron Miller office chair. I have created a wonderful lair. Why did I ever leave? What was I talking about yesterday? Friends and employment? With my lair I need none of these needs... No, I will still strive for friends and employment. It is good to be home.

Tonight, I decided to write a novel instead of come on here. I wrote 2,000 words in about 3 hours which is great. My stamina could use some work. If I could do 2,000 words a day that would be great though. I don't know if I will be able to manage that. I realize I am still here now but I was running out of steam and I am tired. I think it's all about consistency. Even writing 500-1,000 words every single day is excellent.

5,000 words in 2 days. I'll take it. I was really running out of steam towards the end of today. It seems like I need an hour to warmup then I start flying and then it really slows down after I lose stamina. I haven't outlined anything yet. I'm more of a discovery writer but that can be tough regarding having a strong plot(s). I could really feel myself running into a wall towards the end there. Hopefully, I sleep and wake up and know where I want to go. I am pushing for about a 50,000 word novel so I am about 1/10th the way there. We will see what happens. I feel like I need to improve my plotline or else the book will get stale and stupid.

that's impressive 5000 words in 2 days and 50000 word novel. gl rikd

On October 09 2024 12:28 lostaccount wrote: that's impressive 5000 words in 2 days and 50000 word novel. gl rikd

Thank you.

I did 4,000 words today and it flowed pretty freely. That was a little less than 5 hours of writing (morning 2 hour session and evening 3 hour session). I ran out of steam again at the end but that is ok. It's bound to happen. Although, the guy I am learning from does 2 4 hour sessions. He says the first hour is a warmup and he tries for 0 distractions. If he gets distracted his word/hour count goes back to the beginning. Hour 2 and 3 are when it really comes together and he peters out a bit in hour 4. That's a lot of writing.

I have found out that I am discovery writer. A gardner versus an architect. It simply means that I don't plan much and don't have strict outlines. I have found taking some notes helps me but I really like to just let the story fly. Discovery writers will typically have more revisions at the end and also be like fuck how do I end this which is what happened on my first novel.

I am glad I got another solid day in. I am glad I can just wind down and do whatever with the joy that I put in a solid day. For reference, Stephen King does 1,800 words / day but he is a sicko and that is clean writing and he does it every damn day about 3 - 4 hrs. Brandon Sanderson who I am learning from does 8 hours a day and 4,000 words / day. I think why I was so fast today was because I was writing characters on coke so the dialogue was very fast, rambly on purpose and I also wrote a stream of consciousness chapter of someone sharing at an AA meeting. Plus, I just think I type fast and write fast. It's in my nature.

Now, I just wish the Switch had Chrono Trigger.

Have a good night y'all.

Another 2,700 words or so. Probably 3 or so hours. I wasn't keeping track so much today. I am getting into the middle of the book and it can be difficult. I think my pacing has been ok. There is a main romance plot and some other plots going along. Not sure exactly what to do or how to end it I just keep writing and try to make it interesting.

I really just want to sit here and listen to the Chrono Trigger Soundtrack.

One thing to note is that if I take a break or get distracted it is really hard to get back into it. I really need solid 2 hour blocks of time and preferably 3 hours. I don't need to write 8 hours a day but it sucks even if I wrote for 2 hours and take a break it's like I am starting all over again in an hour 1 situation and not an hour 3 flow.