Pushit Out - Page 9

I have just been hanging in there irt Python. Getting into a writing flow is bliss. When things seem fucked up or the writer's block stares you in the face; that fucking cursor just blinks and blinks at you; torturing you.

I like the idea of turning nothing into something. Python is ok. Writing is much more exciting.

Python is like all this work to turn the square root of 36 into a number that isn't even 6.

don't write about some asshole getting sober. write about them getting more fucked up and forget all the artsy shit. airport novels are where the money is at.

On October 22 2024 16:50 CurbStomp2 wrote: don't write about some asshole getting sober. write about them getting more fucked up and forget all the artsy shit. airport novels are where the money is at.

Yeah, I think the story was more interesting when everyone was getting fucked up and were capable of anything. I wrote myself into a corner. No one wants to hear my lead except masochists in AA. So, it has turned into a recovery memoir and I kind of hate it. I am not writing to be read. I don't expect to get published on my first draft. It is in some pursuit of a great novel. It might take me 10 years and I still might not be published. That's a long time. Think about spending 2 hours a day on something for 10 years.

have you read irvine welsh? write shit like that. filth was the first book for adults i read just after reading harry potter. it was fucked up.

On October 22 2024 20:33 CurbStomp2 wrote: have you read irvine welsh? write shit like that. filth was the first book for adults i read just after reading harry potter. it was fucked up.

I have not read Irvine Welsh but I saw Trainspotting ages ago and remember liking it a lot.

I read like half of Naked Lunch by William Burroughs and thought some of it was brillilant but overall a bit much.

My story has the style and tone that it does. What I'm going through now is I do NOT want to write a recovery memoir which that's what it feels like at the moment. The solution would be to imagine something better which is impossible. My personal recovery story is perfect. I can't remember exactly what everyone said whether that is a share in a meeting or at the diner afterwards and I am fighting creating it all from scratch because that is a monumental endeavour albeit basically what being a writer is. Plus, my favorite character in the book is rendered obsolute that the protaganist is in sober world. It would be stupid for her to get sober because she's not an addict and I don't want to make her one. Creative writing is difficult.

"We voluntarily submit ourselves to the compulsion to be creative, efficient, authentic." - Byung-Chul Han The Spirit of Hope

“Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously headed for early success, but, rather, an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed. The more unpropitious the situation in which we demonstrate hope, the deeper that hope is. Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. In short, I think that the deepest and most important form of hope, the only one that can keep us above water and urge us to good works, and the only true source of the breathtaking dimension of the human spirit and its efforts, is something we get, as it were, from ‘elsewhere.’ It is also this hope, above all, which gives us the strength to live and continually to try new things, even in conditions that seem as hopeless as ours do, here and now." - Byung-Chul Han The Spirit of Hope

Alcoholic bottoms are not fun. People are typically just in their homes drinking all day and it's not working how it used to. Sometimes people get into car wrecks which sometimes kill others. It's not like alcoholics are drinking themselves to death in the here and now. The closest I got was ending up in the ER with alcohol poisoning. Early death due to liver problems is more like it or attempted suicides that succeed and don't succeed or that stay in an unmanageable amount of suicidal ideations.

There is more adventure to alcoholics before it gets really bad but more adventure for heroin addicts in general I'd say. I had a friend that woke up in a body bag. Now, I could steal that story for my book but all I know about heroin is what others have told me which isn't that much.

They say write what you know. I know about addiction and recovery from addiction so my first story is probably doomed to be about these things. Fuck. The thing is my first year and a half of sobriety was magical. I was on long-term disability, making all sorts of friends, going to meetings, to diners, and it may have been the best portion of my life. Add on running out of money and having to get a job at a grocery store that was pretty awful. I've never quite recovered from that. I am running out of money now and will probably go back to working at a grocery store. Coming up on 10 years of that including 10 years of blogging on here... I survived but did I live?

I've realized my problem. Early recovery being a perfect portion of my life is undescribable. It is unwritable. The other piece to this is David Foster Wallace did write recovery already. It's not perfect but he nailed it. Why even attempt it? Well, because that is where the story took me. I just have to write it the way I have to write it.

I wrote some bullshit. At least I can edit it later. You can't edit what is not there. Freed up some room to get back to some semblance of a story. This is definitely a first draft.

I need to figure out a way that my next 10 years aren't as bad as my last 10 years.

With all the time that I have and no girlfriend you would think I'd get addicted to pornography. That is not the case though. I mostly find porn to be vulgar and contrived.

vulgarian and contrived.

I don't know what word is better vulgar or vulgarian.

I like the word vulgarian better in general but vulgar is the better word in context.

I think I might have my protaganist learn how to fly. 75% of the way through the novel. How's that for a tone and style switch, bitch. What do you think alpha readers?

Part of the reason this novel is so difficult to write is because novels are fucking difficult to write! Another reason is that if it turns into a memoir nobody wants to read about my last 10 years of life if you could call it that. It just can't be a memoir. Even possibly the best one and a half year epoch is unwritable. The 10 years of vague fragments of memory working or being unemployed and poor.... Might as well just make it up like proper writers do and go wild. I only have 20,000 words left to go bonkers.

I want to talk about something other than my novel. Unless you want to talk about my novel.

I ate 6 ghiradeli chocolates for dinner tonight. I was eating rice and beans but I got tired of it and went for the chocolate.

I wish to be a nameless wanderer that does not leave a trace but I am too attached to my home, my stuff, and my medications. Far Eastern philosophy always fascinates me but it is so different from the West that I think a lot of the stuff just bounces off. I'm re-reading Absence by Byung-Chul Han and I may re-read the Daodeting by Lao Tse.

I could read the Daodeting by Laozi in one sitting but as a Westerner it feels like that would be similar to someone throwing dirt at me. Some by chance might stick but most will fall and dirty my shoes. I am a Westerner so I am wearing perfectly white Jordan IVs and now they are dirty.

The Daoist is dull and confused. The non-Daoist is sharp and keen.

“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” - Lao Tsu Tao Te Ching

It doesn't matter. I don't need a lot. My desires and wants are superfluous. I will eventually dissapear into a puddle on my bed as my health insurance bills keep coming in.