I had the thought my blog always ends up being about me. Not always. Those are probably my best blog posts. The biggest reason it always ends up being about me is I don't think I'm skilled enough to put out serious essays especially with sources and notes and such. I used to do this in academia but I got a degree and never went back. I'm more of a consumer (reading) than a producer (meaningful writing).
I just finished The Brothers' Karamazov by Dostoevsky (good read) and started Who Fears Death by Okorafur (jury's out but I like it so far). That's on top of reading some non-fiction. God knows I have the time.
My mom also got me a subscription to The New York Times. It lets me know what The Regime is up to more or less. It lets me know what the propaghanda arm of Blackrock Inc. and Harvard University and the CIA is saying. NYT is probably slightly better than Elon Musk propaghanda (X). The X algorithm got really fucked some times too. Good fucking riddance.
Being away from LP for a while forced me to find all new stuff and gravitated towards reading versus video games which is a very good thing. I still missed some writing outlet even if it's not meaningful. I even considered writing a blog and sending it to lostaccount to post lol. So, it's a problem. I recognize this.
I am also attempting to purge sports from my brain as well as red v blue political bull shit. See what my brain can come up with with more room in there.
I've been having dreams about painting but sadly I am too broke to paint currently. That is ok though. This vacation from work has mostly been about reading and walking at the core. I continue to read and walk and I'll be ok. Perhaps up my getting a job game. I am waking up between 6am - 8am. I got a haircut today. It looks pretty good. It's funny how a good haircut can be an instant confidence booster. I also need to get better with my exposure therapy irt driving a car. It is a lot easier to get a job within a 30 min. radius in a car than trying to find something remote.
Not only do I write these blogs because I have nothing meaningful to say it can also be attributed to narcissism. My narcississm is sort of treated by AA which I never attend anymore but at the core of it is that I do not believe in God. I don't even have a higher power. God is dead and we killed him and that is a tragedy. Unless you think the God is dead red pill is one to swallow. I had a choice. I have a choice but both my parents are athiest so there is definitely a side of the position I'm going to trend towards.
It can be difficult to live in a world without the structure of God or a meaning. My meaning seems to be as simple as reading and understanding. It's more than just reading a book we have to understand these books.
I remember I read The Prince by Machiavelli. I did not want the world to be that way. I threw the book away. My brain could not handle the truth.
Would you like the blue pill or the red pill?
Sometimes we see something and can never turn back. I am talking truly red pilled in the sense of the Matrix not some bullshit like MAGA is going to save the world.
I think as a blanket I put too much expectations on books, on everything. Not every book is going to be a red pill. Going out to play trivia is just something to do on a Thursday night. Not some spiritual experience. I should not even expect to be happy.
I felt powerful when I was getting good at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and shooting guns. Besides those activities being not cheap they have nothing to do with money (or with responsibility).
Can I do it? Can I make a comeback? I don't think it's about a comeback. It's not make RiKD great again. It's Make RiKD Greater (MRG). I'm down 50 lbs. and got a haircut and feelin' good. There is no getting back my 20s or 30s but it's not over for me yet. I am getting up at 7am and reading so much that I had to get eye drops for dryness. It's about consistency though. Always has been. The problem still remains what I am going to do for 40+ hours / week to get money?
There are other considerations than just money but that is an important one. Where can I actually build myself and increase confidence? Learn skills that actually matter? Do stuff that doesn't kill my soul?
It's funny I recently read the comic book Berserk (Book 1) and Book 2 is the first thing I want to buy when I get some money. There is no liberty and independence with being broke.
On August 22 2024 20:41 RiKD wrote:
God, I want power!
I don't particularly want responsibility though. Power is owning responsibility.
What am I capable of? How can I be useful?
Money is power.
Seize him!.
Cut his throat,
Stop, Wait I changed my mind let him go.
Step back three steps,
Turn around
Power resides where men believe it resides. Currency is a trick. A shadow on the wall. And two gold cloaks demanding 15 gold a piece for every bribe can cast a very large shadow.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
Last edit: 01/09/2024 15:31
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PuertoRican United States. Sep 01 2024 20:27. Posts 13174
On August 22 2024 20:41 RiKD wrote:
God, I want power!
I don't particularly want responsibility though. Power is owning responsibility.
What am I capable of? How can I be useful?
Money is power.
Good luck on your journey.
Power resides where men believe it resides.
Men and women both believe that the more money you have, the more powerful you are. You automatically get more respect if people think you have a lot of money.
Get your money up, kid!
Rekrul is a newb
Last edit: 01/09/2024 20:27
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Sep 02 2024 03:31. Posts 5359
On August 22 2024 20:41 RiKD wrote:
God, I want power!
I don't particularly want responsibility though. Power is owning responsibility.
What am I capable of? How can I be useful?
Money is power.
Good luck on your journey.
Power resides where men believe it resides.
Men and women both believe that the more money you have, the more powerful you are. You automatically get more respect if people think you have a lot of money.
Get your money up, kid!
What makes you think I value their respect, lmao. Money is only useful for me for basic necessities plus a little extra. Beyond that idc.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
Knowledge is power, money is just a tool to have fun unless u control the money supply but it’s not power to me, it’s just evil. Money isn’t everything but without money you are nothing
Idealism is for suckers. Starting with God. What do we fill these holes with?
I am past my prime. I can feel it physically. There is more to life than physicality. I can grow bitter and resentful or I can try to grow my experience that is life.
I am sick of things because I am sick of myself. I am weary and tired. I'm bored because I am boring.
It's for the better to not even rehash my memories. Not at this time. A past love. That was bumpy but I was alive. When was the last time I laughed?
SOLITUDE. My friend and my foe. My best friend. Where did everybody go? I can tell you they aren't in this room. In these screens.
The beauty of nature is the absence of screens. The expanse of space. A hawk can be spotted from large distances. The stars can be gazed. There is the breeze and the sun. Not compact like a bedroom or workstation.
Yea nature is awesome but now it’s getting cold so gotta stay indoors more but still nice in Vancouver. Time for sports betting season n poker more. Just having coffee n seeing what the fuck there is to do on a Wednesday afternoon with 20$ to spend.
I saw a meme where nihilism + coffee = absurdism. That is pretty true for me. Vancouver winters can't be that bad! The Norwegians have a saying something like, "there is no such thing as bad weather, only innapropriate clothing."
Wednesday afternoon with $20. That is why I am sick of myself. Day after day wears on a human.
Boredom makes the un-boredom better. Just as pain makes pleasure better. It does not work the other way around. We can eat toast with applesauce for 3 days with stomach problems. Whatever proper meal we eat on the day we are free of sickness will more than suffice.
Impulsivity feels like freedom but it is a prison. Short-lived pleasures feels like freedom but it is a prison. Nothing but a hit of crack.
Saving as much as I can for my Asia trip, I got a nice bit saved that’s why I have to live so modest cause when I go Asia I’ll live like a king for a bit. Fuck Vancouver prices it’s so expensive
Canada is a 3rd world country now with so much stupid policy from liedeau n his cabinet. This country is so bad atm I can’t wait to leave. i wonder how other cities are like compare to Vancouver hope it’s not worst cause this city for me is getting boring but I can’t leave yet still have some unfinished business to attend then once I have everything figure out Im gone n gonna rent out my place for a couple of grand n spend it in Asia
Another night. Another day. Just sittin' here waitin' around to die.
Poker was engrossing. The way GTOWiz plays hands made me extremely happy. I found myself putting all my attention towards poker. Poker for me today is a deadend. It took up attention. A lot of attention. That is the most precious resource we have. When I quit it opened up a lot of attention. I started reading non-poker material again. I went for more walks. I was freed up.
It has been interesting to me with quitting different things and the impact that has of what the potential is of attention. Where will it go. There is also the question of cold turkey vs moderation. I feel like the jumps in "expanding our mind" are best seen with cold turkey. Quitting X and Discord and LP not working left a huge void. I got really into the New York Times and blogs and read more and went for more walks. Now, I think the New York Times is full of shit but at least I had that period of attention to experiment. I am back on X too which is probably not for the better but quitting the New York Times left a void that X in some ways fills.
Just reading and walks is a tough way to go. Niklas Luhmann basically wrote every waking hour besides taking his dog for walks. His whole system is epic. I don't know how he didn't get sick of himself. I have been feeling kind of sick of myself for 2 days now. I have been feeling incredibly stressed about getting a job and breaking through on this driving thing. Sometimes it feels like I can not win.
I am just sitting here listening to the Moody Mix on Spotify just being in that vibe. It's an excellent mix for when I am sick of myself. I just want to sit here listening to it.
I may be cornering myself into a depression or my depression is cornering me.
Now is not the time (when is the time?). I think I've trained my circadian rhythm strongly so if I can just keep that going maybe I can get out of it / stay out of it. It's time for some daring, courage, adventure to get out of this driving thing but I get so full of anxiety it's extremely uncomfortable.
My dad is sports crazed. It's hard to go zero hours of sports in this world.
If I wanted more sex I would watch zero porn or porn / masturbation / orgasm (PMO). I want more sex but I am not really in the position. I don't drive, I don't work, I don't have money. I saw a study that said if a straight man looks at nice breasts for 10 min. a day it's better for them than working out. I tried this somedays. It feels like creep / pervert territory. I do watch zero porn if it's not PMO. I once went like 7 months with out masturbating when I was trying to be super Buddhist. I had a friend in highschool that fapped 11 times in 1 day. I don't even know how / why someone would do that. So, I would like to be at zero PMO. Not being at zero PMO feels mentally weak. Although being at zero PMO seems unneccessery.
I still get caught up in the red v blue political circus. It's hard to avoid in an election year.
So, when I dropped everything I expanded my mind. It can hurt of boredom but it can lead to good things. Bringing some of the things back there is comfort but I can do better.
I write about this a lot because it is a big part of my day. I'm already bored and sick of myself running a lot of this stuff for too much time in a day.
Being a "loser" at 40 is tough man. It's hard not to be bitter and resentful at times. Comparing my virility at a buffed up 28 versus today... It's my own fault but it's also inevitable. It starts to become clear at 40. I guess people just get used to it. There are more changes a comin'.
In other news, I killed my 2009 Macbook Pro w/ 17'' screen today. That thing is an artifact. Great computer. I went on there to tinker with my resume because I love Pages and don't even have Microsoft Word on my Microsoft laptop or desktop. The Macbook Pro barely started and was running painfully slow. It was time. 15 years I had that laptop. It was a legend. RIP.
PuertoRican United States. Sep 11 2024 06:00. Posts 13174
On September 11 2024 00:36 RiKD wrote:
I feel trapped. I am suffocating. I can't find any remote jobs and I can't drive.
Public transit for sure. A monthly bus pass isn't expensive.
Also, since you don't go to a gym, I'd recommend riding a bike to work. You could even do a mix between riding a bus and bike, depending on how far your home is from your job.
In 2024, if you live in Canada or USA, you can't use "I can't drive" as an excuse when it comes to working/finding a job. I mean, you can use it as an excuse, but it's a pretty bad/sad excuse, imo.
On September 11 2024 00:36 RiKD wrote:
I feel trapped. I am suffocating. I can't find any remote jobs and I can't drive.
Public transit for sure. A monthly bus pass isn't expensive.
Also, since you don't go to a gym, I'd recommend riding a bike to work. You could even do a mix between riding a bus and bike, depending on how far your home is from your job.
In 2024, if you live in Canada or USA, you can't use "I can't drive" as an excuse when it comes to working/finding a job. I mean, you can use it as an excuse, but it's a pretty bad/sad excuse, imo.
Good luck
Closest bus stop is 15 min. drive away and it would be dangerous / senseless to try and bike there.
Running a new trial. No Twitter and no New York Times. No news outlets at all. It's taking up too much space and it's mostly a non-rewarding doomscroll (that I can still get addicted to!) I'm heavy on Nietzsche and comic books at the moment. Searching for a new fiction. I was on a good run there: The Brothers' Karamazov, Who Fears Death, There Is No Antimemetics Division were all stellar reads. I was just meh on Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I would be willing to take suggestions on here for my next fiction. I need something good to drown out the fact I'm almost broke with no job and my mental illness including my fear of driving and the fact that my car is barely safe to drive anyways and have no money to fix it.
On September 15 2024 04:02 Loco wrote:
I would highly recommend the Three-Body Problem trilogy by Liu Cixin. Finished the last book last week and it was a wild ride.
In the Gay Science (Joyful Wisdom), Nietzsche says he must write in order to get his thoughts out of his head. I'm on the same page.
I'm coding again and by coding I mean copying code out of a book and getting it to run. I don't know what my expectations are. I just like the aesthetics. My text editor (atom) and terminal (powershell) are both in dark mode and the code just looks cool. It's also fun to learn stuff. I feel like at this point I won't be able to catch AI but it has got to be a better activity than porn, masturbation, orgasm (PMO), sports, red v blue political circus, and posting on here...
Now, the question is is learning to code a better use of my attention than any other number of things?
I'm pretty happy with my comic book / manga consumption. I've got a new trilogy to read. I've got all the Nietzsche a guy could ever want. Honestly, though, I am teetering on the verge of massive depression. I have no social life. I feel a pressure sometimes as heavy as the Earth itself. Sometimes I am absolutely sick of myself. I'm keeping it together somehow. Novelty in art keeps me going. Existence is so strange. My existance seems so sad. Not a whole lot of hope. It seems insurmountable but I got a new book to read. I've got decent food to eat. A nice bed to sleep in. I was telling my therapist that maybe that is part of the problem. As uneasy as I can be I'm mostly pretty comfortable. Less so lately. When I say I'm trapped and suffocating that is what it feels like sometimes.
They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It feels like my problems are permanent even though they are probably temporary. I can't commit suicide yet because I want to find out what happens in this book. I want to listen to this radiohead song. I want to live.
I have seen those suicide chambers in Canada where you die ~30 sec after the door closes. That freaks me out. I obviously wouldn't want to leave a mess for my parents. It would be tragic enough as it is. In the moment, I think I would want to do a vial of poison.
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it gets one through many a dark night." - Nietzsche
On September 16 2024 17:12 RiKD wrote:
Suicide is a solution it's just terribly final. Death is scary. Life is full of possibilities both good and bad.
its not a solution, you are gonna reincarnate again until you figure out how to love life. pray rikd trust me it helps
On September 16 2024 17:12 RiKD wrote:
Suicide is a solution it's just terribly final. Death is scary. Life is full of possibilities both good and bad.
its not a solution, you are gonna reincarnate again until you figure out how to love life. pray rikd trust me it helps
No hard feelings. You just came out strong with the reincarnation and praying stuff and I am a bit allergic to it. Tried to add some levity to the situation with one of my favorite movies.
Broke living is definitely not fun. At least I have gotten some important stuff done this week. It seems to never end though and I'm still jobless.
Yea none taking I am just enjoying life with what I have . I will start grinding again soon when I’m bored of life. Nice weather and all today, good day for golf but I’m just listening to music n meditating haha
I have to write because I have to get these thoughts out of my head but I'm obviously not sharing everything. It would likely be mundane either way.
I settled a prescription drug issue (for now). I think a health insurance issue is settled (for now). Of course, I am still jobless and broke. This is all reallly annoying and banal shit to go through and it's probably no different to read about it.
So, I am just sitting here drinking some tea and listening to Burial hoping things get better. When I read things get better (for now). When I write things get better (for now). I'm really just trying to get to a state where I can get some sleep (escape) with out being tormented by nightmares.
Where is the joy? I don't think it can be forced. There is probably nothing I can write that will be entertaining. A short story perhaps that no one will read. I am thinking about writing another novel. The first one was fun but I'm stuck and it's probably going to stay unfinished. I don't want to end it with everything dying to nuclear annihilation. But, if I write another novel with no gameplan I have a feeling it will end up like the first.
On September 19 2024 06:14 CurbStomp2 wrote:
What happened to coding? Do you have some free community college system where you could do an IT-degree online?
I enrolled to an university of applied sciences to get a bachelors degree in business information systems and it's quite fun.
I did pick up coding again. Working through the book Python 3 The Hard Way by Zed Shaw. Wrote my first little ditty all on my own the other day which ran and was fun. It's mostly just copying code out of the book and getting it to run and hopefully learning something in the process. Not sure if that is the most efficient way to learn. I am not expecting a whole lot either. Just a hobby for now. Not sure if I can ever catch up AI in coding.
On September 19 2024 08:51 lostaccount wrote:
rikd if u ever publish a book I’ll buy one maybe that’s how u make it big with a novel
I don't expect to make it big in any aspect of the mainstream. I don't know if I'll ever publish a novel but writing them can be fun. I first need to write something that I really like myself before I would want to share it with anyone.
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Sep 20 2024 01:36. Posts 5359
I think the first 2 courses from MIT ocw are the best python courses i took. The ones for first years. The only issue is they dont even cover data structures that much, which is the most important thing in coding. If you do those two courses + a data structures and alg, you still wont get a coding job, but will be on your way to being a good coder.
The job market for coding jobs is pretty tough atm. You need 4 year degree and maybe a masters to get a decent coding job typically. That said knowing how to do basic code is certainly a lot better than not knowing.
On September 19 2024 06:14 CurbStomp2 wrote:
What happened to coding? Do you have some free community college system where you could do an IT-degree online?
I enrolled to an university of applied sciences to get a bachelors degree in business information systems and it's quite fun.
Not sure if I can ever catch up AI in coding.
Its worth staying away from the temptations of using LLMs until you get a good understanding of the basics of computer science.
I think at this point AI has or will replace most code with writing pseudocode. Most SWE use AI to code ALOT now. That said, writing pseudocode is a skill and you have to have technical understanding to write good pseudocode. Perhaps in the future software engineers wont need to understand much about computer science but for now, AI has replacing much of coding with writing pseudocode. It's not going to replace coders anytime soon though.
One of the ironic things about LLMs is that they tend to get worse when trained on too much of their own AI generated code. Its known as "model collapse". https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-024-07566-y
Most of the code that they train LLMs on now has use AI to detect whether its AI generated code so that they can filter out the AI generated code to get better quality training data. Because they train a lot of it off code they find on the internet by coders that used LLMs to generate it...
There are lots of dumb Anti Hype takes, and lots of really really dumb AI Hype takes. The truth is they are a very useful tool that provide a lot of productivity growth, but they are yet to be much more than that.
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
I'm through week 1. That's doing everything. I got the textbook too. Not a bad flow I just have to see how I want to get it done. It's also a dream on my desktop computer setup. I am going to be out of town next week we'll see how my 'ole Lenovo Thinkpad handles it all on the tiny screen. I think the pace and setup of the MIT course will be better than the book I'm working on. I still might work on the book too. It's actually kind of relaxing just copying code and trying to figure it out and doing some of the study drills but I could probably be doing better activities for recovery and winding down.
I'm spending entirely too much time on what font I want lol. I could have read the required reading or watched another lecture by now. It's past my bedtime too.
I like the song Paris, Texas by Lana Del Rey. I LOVE the film Paris, Texas by Wim Wenders.
I hope I don't just binge on Python and quit in a week. It's a long road and that's how I should look at it.
I played poker and really got into it for 3 months there. GTOWiz is the shit. I think back on that season kind of highly even though it didn't really amount to much on paper. I think learning to code decently is more value than learning to beat like 100 NL even if the coding efforts don't immediately land me a job. I practiced coding most of the day today and I didn't think about killing myself.
I read because that is the only way I know how to live. I'm probably somewhere in the absurdist range. I try to find meaning for some reason but in reality it is just hobbies. So, I listen to Crystal Castles and Grimes like I'm some 14 yr old emo goth hipster from 15 years ago. That actually explains a lot. I am a warped 14 year old emo goth hipster trapped in a 44 year old body. I wear black a lot and read Nietzsche and Heidegger. I'd hang out at the hipster coffee shop if there was one in walking distance. I wrote a novella that kind of sucks. I've probably got about an EP worth on Ableton that sucks far more. I have no job, no money, no future. I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
It's all hobbies and some chase for transcendence. It's barely good enough that most nights I don't comfort myself with thoughts of suicide.
I don't want to go on a streak of numbing myself with work but I need money so badly that I wouldn't be against numbing myself with work. Even though it's a waste of life. My life now is not a waste of life entirely but there is no life with out money.
All I bought with money is toys. It did not expand my life. I didn't have enough to travel to Japan. Toys to play with in my castle. Toys to make shitty music in Ableton. I should probably go through my computer and free up memory with all the shit I've gone through. Video games. Video games are actually really awesome. I should find a really good video game and play the shit out of it. My $1,000 desktop CPU at the time probably can't even run new games. I never beat Alan Wake II. I noticed my computer would get really hot playing it. I only put in about 8 hours into that game. It was pretty good. I wonder if I even remember how to play it. I could always go back to Diablo IV but that seems like a really bad idea. See I always need something new (novel). New, new, new. Something to keep my mind off of anxiety, fear, death.
Sometimes there is only so much time one can spend on problems and the problems are so harrowing that one needs escape. Also, I always need to be learning something or it doesn't feel like I am doing it right.
I had a therapy appointment today and it kind of shook me up. She just asked me 21 questions that were heavy hitters. It forced me to get out of my bubble and my routine and really think about things. I can tell I am still a little bit scrambled from this fucking scrambled up blog post. I feel I should write about it but I don't know what I would write. I don't even know what I would write...
Some good news is my blood sugar was totally normal today. I still have some weight to lose. I have hit a plateau. I remember Ray Cronise saying sometimes we hit barriers that aren't so easy to overcome. One thing I have noticed is EVERYONE is happy I am not obese but I think some people maybe get a little jealous if you go from overweight to normal or normal to in great shape. I shouldn't really care about this but subconsiously I think I do. It's something to be aware of. My liver still wants me / needs me to lose more weight. I shouldn't ease up until I hit about 180 lbs. imo and really I should be going balls to the wall until I hit 170 lbs.
I just like listening to a Chill Mix on Spotify and winding down. I don't want to start some coding project at this time. I guess I'll draw.
I was drawing straight from my imagination which is fun but what I really need is to go out into nature and draw what I see. That's a Da Vinci level activity. It just feels wrong to google rose and then pick one and draw it from a screen.
Liquidpoker is the last form of the internet I haven't banned myself from. I think it shows. If I do it right I'm out in nature going for a hike and drawing what I see. If I do it wrong I hop back onto Twitter and Discord and waste my potential. I don't know if I have any talent in anything at this point but I won't find out if I'm stuck on the internet scrolling doom. Even if it isn't actual doom it might as well be.
Jean Paul Gauthier Le Male cologne + cognac + strong tobacco in a pipe (or Gauloise cigarettes or a nice cigar) = it.
I am still grieving my Macbook Pro 17'' screen. I got it when it first came out. I remember going to some hipster cafe and sitting down with that bad boy. Some Hot Gurl 8.5 started flirting with me almost immediately. It wouldn't be the last time something like that happened. For cultish Apple Gurlz it's an easy game. Considering I think I paid like $3,500 for it I'm sure it would work on just about any Hot Gurl 6.5+. You think my Lenovo Thinkpad has that sort of pull?
Sick desktop setups wouldn't really matter either I don't think unless the guapa was into that sort of thing. Not even with my Le Corbusier lamp. My only consideration for purchasing something is the status that it will have with women. Actually, that is not true at all. I'm poor as fuck. My consideration is will it work for an appropriate amount of time?
I make these posts like I am above incels but I'm really not. Just because I used to have sex sometimes I am still firmly in the incel camp at the moment and as I age it becomes more and more difficult to get out of that zone.
hah, I remember when Loco told me I was like a mad person in the village that yells into a well. That would be therapeutic too. Sometimes when I used to drive I would turn on music that I liked with screaming and scream away. "PRYING OPEN MY THIRD EYE" * 4
I literally banned myself from the internet besides google search (I hear perplexity is better?), Liquidpoker.net, that MIT python course, and I could discover more which is what I hoped would happen but I just come on here and BLAAABBER.
Here I am, stuck in a hotel room with my dog that was barking. Trying to get used to this Lenovo Thinkpad keyboard and mouse setup. I quite like this keyboard actually. Not nearly as nice as my blue switch key mechanical keyboard at home but pretty nice for a laptop. I don't know if my dog is going to bark or not. I gave him some tranquilizers so hopefully he will mellow the fuck out. I'm getting kind of hungry too. Don't know how long this food will take to get here.
Stimming suggested this laptop to make music from. That's when I got the Akai midi controller, mic setup, Steinberg UR12 audio interface and Ableton 11. I don't really make music anymore but it was fun while it lasted. I still use the audio interface to connect to the mic and my l337 headphones. I don't even know if it makes a difference compared to just plugging the headphones directly into the computer.
Not a bad keyboard though. I think the caps lock gets stuck but other than that pretty pretty good. Have a good one LP!
Still stuck in a hotel room with my parents. They are blasting the tv so it's hard for me to focus on reading. I started writing code from imagination. I suck at coding. So, I am stimming listening to Stimming. Posting on here might be the greatest of all my 'tisms. I got a case of the 'tisms and I'm stimming to Stimming.
I figure I'll go up and see my family before I kill myself. Hopefully, seeing my family leads to not wanting to kill myself. What if it backfires and seeing my crazy ass family increases the want to kill myself?
Damn, I really like this fucking keyboard. Bravo Lenovo! I also love this fucking font. Bravo Meat. Meat was a cool guy. I remember we watched a Nederlanden football match and cruised around Vegas in his rented car that he wasn't supposed to smoke in but he was smoking like a boss.
I am a Seeker. Seeker at my peril. Not as extreme as I used to be but that shit is deep in my blood. A seeker, a thinker, a drinker*.
* - I no longer drink alcohol. Mostly water and sparking water and coffee and tea
If I were to drink today it would likely go sideways fast. Last time I drank it was real bad and it was pretty bad for a while.
I got to get my coding up though. If I draw based on my imagination some crazy shit evolves. My coding it's like bush league shit. Oh well, I just have to be patient and consistant. Coding and 3-body problem trilogy is all I have in the world except I'll be visiting family so I'll have that but they have kids and work and shit. I want to start writing another novel but I have to reallly think long and hard regarding how I want the story to go or I'll end up writing myself into walls. Ideally, I know how the story ends before I start writing or just fucking take a creative writing class or something. I wish I was writing a novel right now but I don't want to write an improv novel like the first one. My sister wrote a 400 some page "romantasy" book so I'll have to ask her how it went and trade secrets. Alright, my phone is charged it's time to get the fuck out of here. Bye!
Phew. Finally off the damn road for a bit. That was stressful driving with the rain and the wind all of the damn time. I wasn't even driving and my anxiety was not in a great place.
So, get this I'm eating lunch with my brother and obv the only thing I can talk about is the 3 body problem so I ask my brother about it and he is like, "... Yeah, I did my PhD in theoretical physics on the 3 body problem..." So, yeah he knows a thing or two about it. He didn't seem that excited though that there is an amazing sci fi trilogy about it. It's hard to read him these days.
I feel like I should be coding or writing a novel. These blogs take away my fire. It is Sunday though. The day of rest. I'm watching the Browns in a sports bar at 4pm. That is a long time from now. I know I said no sports but the Browns games are probably the peak of my family socializing. It would be anti-social not to attend and I barely get to see my family in a year. I enjoy the strategy and the athleticism of the NFL but the games are long and advertisements all the time are draining. It's good for me to get some human connection but I don't think it's great for my spirit to be in sports bars surrounded by alcohol. I am used to it by now but I think I just get a little bit of chinks in the ole armor. The human connection fills me up. It's actually nice that my family is a little juiced up leading to more talkativeness, enthusiasm, cheerfullness.
I think the most intersting thing from the last page was when I asked my brother about the 3 body problem and he responded that he had written his 200 page dissertation on it. I did a double take.
I am mostly content although there is a storm brewing underneath. I was exactly right that my family on some alcohol is more fun honestly. Although I am still a bit of an outcast it seems. It sucks being a deadbeat loser. I hope I can make it up with my soul and my spirit. My heart. It's hard to have heart after everything I've been through but as Nietzsche says what does not kill me makes me stronger. Some days it feels like I can muster the strength of Atlas. Others I'm stuck in pity and misfortune. Just have to sleep it off and see what I can do tomorrow. I did a lot of drawing and calligraphy today. It passed the time. It really gets me in a nice zone and relaxes me to do drawings and calligraphy.
I've been thinking of getting involved with some creative writing classes to some degree. Not sure yet if there are any good free online courses. A private tutor is pretty damn expensive and unneeded imo. Maybe a good free online course or something brick and mortar local. I have some ideas for my next novel I am just unsure how to actually put that into writing. I hit a lot of walls in my first novel and everything is at least slightly wrong with it. The heart and soul is there but I don't think the story is even that compelling. A lot of people tell me I should write a memoir but my life for the last 8 years has not been all that interesting or maybe the last 8 years are the most interesting. Well, it didn't turn out great my first novel as a more or less an auto-fiction. I think I can use my imagination for a proper fiction and it will at least be more fun and maybe turn out better. Any tips or leads are appreciated.
I live off of my parents at this point. It's sad. What am I going to do when they die?
I think I need a cup of tea. The world keeps turning.
How can I have another day of perfect 70 degrees and a cheerful breeze when the sun is so far away and so hot? It's like a beautiful coincidence.
Radiohead is Radiohead but The Smile is The Smile...
I usually drink water from the refridgerator but I have been drinking Liquid Deaths and San Pellegrinos...
I got out into the forest today and had a grand time. It was not super deep forest but it was nice. Nice babbling brook and the bird and bug noises.
I did some more drawing and calligraphy today. I was drawing with magic markers it reminds me of painting more than drawing.
The problem with my novel or rather a problem of my novel is I think there are too many journal entry type anecdotes. No one gives a shit about any of this. People want a good story not a story about how I went to the strip club and jizzed my pants one time. Over and over. Some anecdote when I dj'd at a bar and had women twerking on me and dancing on the tables and going crazy. It's also unbelievable that some loser that fattens up on fried chicken for every meal pulls two HB 10s at a club when he's broke and forever alone. I mean it happened in real life but not when I was an incel neet loser parasite living off of my parents. So, I sit here every night listening to Rabbit in the Headlights by UNKLE trying to make things ok before I go to sleep. It's better than watching Frasier with my parents. Fucking laugh tracks. I'm a stunted 44 year old parasite loser. Have I said that already? I'm trying to unleash the sub-conscious self-hatred. I think I have a pretty strong spirit though underneath it all. If that is extinguished I am really a goner.
I just connect with Thom Yorke and Johnny Greenwood (Radiohead / The Smile). They make me feel like life might be worth it.
Boredom == mental relaxation == something we all should become comfortable with (True). The opposite of boredom is hectic, new, strange.
Just for a moment there everything was in it's right place. It's hard to say for the present because I am not cognizant of it. Looking at the past correctly takes rigor. The future requires large brush strokes. Maybe 2 or 3 coats. Refinement as it becomes nearer.
I'm doing the best I can. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can.
n = 999999999
(I can try the best I can the best i can is good enough) * n
I spent about a half a day with my nephew today. What is cool about children is that they have an abundance of imagination and the ability to learn. One of the bad things about children is they can be relentlessly capricious. Spending 24 hours with one is definitely not my cup of tea. Small doses. I come visit my family and I am happy I don't have children. I sit in my bunker at home forever alone and I can start drifting off that I want a wife and kids. I am not really fit for all of that so it's kind of a moot issue. I am somewhat damaged and I can't seem to fix myself no matter how hard I try.
I wonder if I have a lot of rage deep down somewhere. Maybe I have a lot of outlets to unleash it in small doses. I try to unleash it in safe doses.
My brother and his wife are selfish people. They act as if it is them against the world and don't really give a shit about other people. I try to understand this mentality. I am not saying everyone should be hand in hand singing koombaya... I can see how having a kid and a family changes things. Climbing the corporate ladder probably changes things too. I don't know. I don't like saying this but I am unsure if I like the person my brother is becoming (has become). This could come off as some anti-capitalist thing. I don't know if it's that.
I want it to be like when we were playing Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past on our first ever console that we owned (SNES).
But, alas, we can never get the past back. Especially our romanticized fragments of memory. We only have today. We only have now.
This is how I'm copin'. This is how I'm spending my time (yeesh). Listening to Rusty Nails by Moderat has me in a good mind space though.
Children are parents' vanity. It gets complicated when everyone comes together as adults. Maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. I don't know how it doesn't get complicated.
I am somewhat damaged. I am still trying to fix myself. To pick up the pieces or continually chisel them off. I don't know which one it is. My soul is strong.
How much mental relaxation do I need in a day? Despite coding I am doing nothing new or strange or taxing really.
Sometimes I just need to get away. I need a vacation from my vacation. I don't know where I would go. I am trapped in this house. I am trapped in this house. I am trapped in this consciousness...
That's ok. Soon it will be 3 Body Problem - The Dark Forest and sleep. My sweet escape. As long as I don't have nightmares...
Another night of listening to Rabbit in Your Headlights by UNKLE while my parents watch Frasier. We are throwing our lives away with our choices. At least I'm not scrolling somewhere...
Typing on here is not living life though. Reflection can be important. I'm definitely over-doing it here but like I said this is how I'm copin'. This is how I'm spending my attention. I could do a python problem but supposed to be winding down. Not enough attention for that. Not enough attention for much. It's more or less my bedtime. Bye!!
Just a tidy little mornin'. I'm about to eat some lunch. Not enough time to fit in a python lecture. I did my python reading this mornin'. Tried to do a Cezzane with markers. Cezzane is fucking good.
I can't quite decide what I want to do with learning more about creative writing. On Writing by Stephen King is the most recommended book but I didn't love King's writing. What I'll probably end up doing is taking an online course at Wesleyan College.
Fuck it man, it's a waste of attention posting blogs at this time of the day. Gotta do some python exercises. Ciao!!
I'm at my sister's place now. It's pretty chill. Everyone is doing their own thing; it's pretty awesome. No one is socializing. My brother-in-law is watching soccer at his computer, my sister is reading a book and drinking wine, my parents are watching bad tv as usual, and I am wasting my life posting blogs while listening to Radiohead as usual. I don't even know where I am sleeping tonight otherwise I would be reading The Dark Forest. I already did a fair amount of coding today. I don't like to start big coding projects late at night. I don't have a giant chest of markers at my disposal here either or I would practice more Cezanne. I wish I knew how to do the mark over the e on Microsoft. I am too lazy to look it up. Mac OS is far superior to Microsoft when it comes to calligraphy. I am not even trying to run any new video games on this laptop so the benefits of Microsoft are not really there.
Tomorrow, I want to do some drawings in the forest. I'll probably do some Python exercises too to keep that moving along. Reflecting on the day is supposed to be a good thing but who really knows?
My writing needs improvement. Which is why I am reading The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I was assigned to read this back in University and I never opened the book. The Professor had one goal of the class: "I'm going to teach y'all how to wriiittteee" in his thick Texas drawl.
This morning I awoke to the sunrise out of my bedroom window. I made some coffee and put a bagel in the toaster. I use Oatleys oat milk and oat cream cheese. At least one of my meals in a day is vegan. After that, I putter about listening to Shuggie Otis's album Freedom Flight. I read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I went for a walk in the light forest by the Mohawk River; it was beautiful. I am sensitive with nature. I am sensitive with beauty. The sun was shining brightly. It was nice to escape the heat under the air-conditioned trees. I met a woman on the walk. She was pale with black hair and black eyes. Her soul was strong. I met her with my soul and enriched spirit from the hike so far. I was not thinking about being a parasite. Does a deadbeat have a working heart? There were Bonobo chimpanzees eating green in the distance. I fancied this woman. She had a pleasant face and simple hiking clothing. We exchanged hellos but it was time to move on. Would I ever see this woman again?
The river was spectacular in the sun. There was a field of golden asters as I left the forest. The butteflies moved to warmer climate. All that was left was the stony dirt road beneath my feet. It was time to move on...
Last edit: 04/10/2024 17:56
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 05 2024 05:24. Posts 13174
On October 04 2024 16:48 RiKD wrote:
The river was spectacular in the sun. There was a field of golden asters as I left the forest. The butteflies moved to warmer climate. All that was left was the stony dirt road beneath my feet. It was time to move on...
Everything is in dark mode. I love it. I finally got a dark mode extension for Chrome. LP is batshit but I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Why am I writing this?
Who knows. I had an espresso after dinner so I am up and ready to go.
I am proud of my sister. She has written a 440 page novel that she loves. We were up talking about writing for 2 hours tonight. I'm pumped to start my next novel but I am not ready for that yet. I need some education on creative writing: outlines, character development, plot development, settings, pacing, etc. Plus, I need a good story to tell. A story that I must tell. I can't go into it so unprepared. My first novel ended up too loose, too rambly, too improvised, and too personal. It just was not It. It was still fun to write and I learned a lot.
I do not have a whole lot to say tonight. I had some Italian for dinner so who can complain about a thing like that? The Italians do food better than anyone on the planet. My brother-in-law who seems overly introverted and mercurial at times has really bonded with his son (my nephew) and that is a wonderful thing to see. My sister already has the entire trilogy mapped out in an outline. It is great to see her passionate about something. Beyond human connection we need projects that we are excited about. Life can be pretty boring without them. "Most people live lives of quiet desperation." Day to day living can be rather mundane and boring especially as we age. Health is important too. I feel a lot better that I have lost 40 lbs. but there is still a lot more to go. Having check ups every day with a Doctor and being totally obsessed about health is silly though. The Good Life requires health to an extent but only in terms of being able to live liife fully. I am not living life fully typing all of these blogs up but these blogs are not drawing dead. There is an aspect of these blogs that bring me clarity or open up new ideas or they are just the ramblings of a mad man that has a problem with compulsive egocentric sharing.
I am sitting in a hotel room as my parents' watch bad tv. It was a good vacation although I still searched for jobs and revised my resume. I got to talk to my brother for 2 hours one of the nights and my sister for one of the other nights. I have not had stimulating conversation like that in a while. It is definitely something that is missing in my life. It is a matter of whether or not I seek out that engagement when I get home. I have few friends. I would like to change. It is one of the most important things I would like to change; friends and employment. It is clear that after a week full of human connection that human connection is something I yearn for. Friends and employment will solve this problem.
I am sitting here on this comfortable hotel bed listening to Daft Punk typing up a blog in my own customized dark mode. It pleases me. Earlier in the day, I was sitting in a car driving down the highway. It did not please me. I am a vector headed home but for now it is time to rest and recover. I am trying to think. I am trying to think what I learned on this excursion. Besides unbehaved children it was a dream of a week. I need to immerse myself in Python and my next novel. Python for me now is fairly structured I just have to follow through. My next novel needs a lot of work. It is just a blank black page at this point but at least I figured out to write it in Google Docs in dark mode in Verdana font. I still have not started the Creative Writing online course from Wesleyan College. I have been reading and re-reading Elements of Style by Strunk and White. I am preparing to improve on my first effort. The thing about writing is that it is a craft that can be worked on as long as one is cogent. Writing may be slow and laborious at times but turning nothing into something is intoxicating. I am not ready for my second novel but I will be.
Finally, I am back home. I am sipping a cool La Croix and it feels good to be out of the car. I did not have anything planned for today but I am happy to be clicking the keys of my Shanzhai mechanical keyboard. I am listening to Teardrop by Massive Attack. It is a vibe. It is fun to just clack away at the keyboard with wreckless abandon and to think that that is a way to write. While pleasurable it leads to too many loose sentences. At worst, it leads to disaster. I realize all these blog posts are egocentric. I am an egocentric sharer. It is doubtful anyone really cares how I am feeling at 3pm on a Monday. I am off my guard and not sure what to do. I am just happy to be off of the road and in my comfortable Shanzhai Aeron Miller office chair. I have created a wonderful lair. Why did I ever leave? What was I talking about yesterday? Friends and employment? With my lair I need none of these needs... No, I will still strive for friends and employment. It is good to be home.
Tonight, I decided to write a novel instead of come on here. I wrote 2,000 words in about 3 hours which is great. My stamina could use some work. If I could do 2,000 words a day that would be great though. I don't know if I will be able to manage that. I realize I am still here now but I was running out of steam and I am tired. I think it's all about consistency. Even writing 500-1,000 words every single day is excellent.
5,000 words in 2 days. I'll take it. I was really running out of steam towards the end of today. It seems like I need an hour to warmup then I start flying and then it really slows down after I lose stamina. I haven't outlined anything yet. I'm more of a discovery writer but that can be tough regarding having a strong plot(s). I could really feel myself running into a wall towards the end there. Hopefully, I sleep and wake up and know where I want to go. I am pushing for about a 50,000 word novel so I am about 1/10th the way there. We will see what happens. I feel like I need to improve my plotline or else the book will get stale and stupid.
On October 09 2024 12:28 lostaccount wrote:
that's impressive 5000 words in 2 days and 50000 word novel. gl rikd
Thank you.
I did 4,000 words today and it flowed pretty freely. That was a little less than 5 hours of writing (morning 2 hour session and evening 3 hour session). I ran out of steam again at the end but that is ok. It's bound to happen. Although, the guy I am learning from does 2 4 hour sessions. He says the first hour is a warmup and he tries for 0 distractions. If he gets distracted his word/hour count goes back to the beginning. Hour 2 and 3 are when it really comes together and he peters out a bit in hour 4. That's a lot of writing.
I have found out that I am discovery writer. A gardner versus an architect. It simply means that I don't plan much and don't have strict outlines. I have found taking some notes helps me but I really like to just let the story fly. Discovery writers will typically have more revisions at the end and also be like fuck how do I end this which is what happened on my first novel.
I am glad I got another solid day in. I am glad I can just wind down and do whatever with the joy that I put in a solid day. For reference, Stephen King does 1,800 words / day but he is a sicko and that is clean writing and he does it every damn day about 3 - 4 hrs. Brandon Sanderson who I am learning from does 8 hours a day and 4,000 words / day. I think why I was so fast today was because I was writing characters on coke so the dialogue was very fast, rambly on purpose and I also wrote a stream of consciousness chapter of someone sharing at an AA meeting. Plus, I just think I type fast and write fast. It's in my nature.
Another 2,700 words or so. Probably 3 or so hours. I wasn't keeping track so much today. I am getting into the middle of the book and it can be difficult. I think my pacing has been ok. There is a main romance plot and some other plots going along. Not sure exactly what to do or how to end it I just keep writing and try to make it interesting.
I really just want to sit here and listen to the Chrono Trigger Soundtrack.
One thing to note is that if I take a break or get distracted it is really hard to get back into it. I really need solid 2 hour blocks of time and preferably 3 hours. I don't need to write 8 hours a day but it sucks even if I wrote for 2 hours and take a break it's like I am starting all over again in an hour 1 situation and not an hour 3 flow.
I don't even know how many words I wrote tonight. I didn't put in a morning sesh because I had shit to do. I was a little worried when I first started out but I felt like I did some writing tonight. A lot of really good dialogue to progress the characters and the plot. I didn't set out to make the story a romance but that is what happened and I am embracing it instead of trying to fight it.
I read some Nabokov and some David Foster Wallace today. Those guys are good. I don't want to write like them though I want to write like me. Well, if I could write like Nabokov or DFW I could make a living as a writer but maybe I have some stories to tell of my own. Also, I've already set the tone and style of my story. I have to write it. I have to finish it.
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 14 2024 07:21. Posts 13174
What type of movies are you into?
I can probably recommend something you might like.
In the last week I wrote over 18,000 words. Tonight I only managed 500 words in an hour. I like to write for 2 or 3 hours undistracted as that is the zone to be in. Tonight, I felt numb. I was just in a bit of a moody mood. I think the writing was actually quite good what I did write. 2 hours a day, every day, is not unreasonable. It's not like it's even possible to search for jobs all day long. I'm just sitting here listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs before I eventually decide to get some sleep. I feel like a failure I only wrote for 1 hour today. This novel has given me meaning. I don't want it to completlely peter out.
I still have Python lectures and exercises to complete. I was passionate about that but I don't know how passionate I am about that now. Just have to be consistent there too which I haven't been in the last 2 weeks. I just go from one thing to the next. Who knows what it will be next?
I am about 84% through The Dark Forest. That has been an anchor. It's intersting to compare sci-fi to something like Infinite Jest or Ada, or Ardor. Brandon Sanderson says classical literary fiction is about boring charachters with boring problems compared to sci-fi. He may be right but the quality of writing in a Nabokov or a DFW... I mean those guys are just doing it well. Liu Cixin is doing it well. That's what really matters.
Rats kept in captivity with access to cocaine will 100% overdose on cocaine. Rats put in a fun Rat Park with access to cocaine will try the cocaine but will not overdose on cocaine. My Rat Park is Paris and other places with friends. Coming back from vacation I realize I am a rat in captivity. It's a good thing I don't have access to cocaine.
I am still going in life. My book is at 21,500 words. Some pretty serious scenes written tonight. I just have to keep going. 1 scene at a time. I am a discovery writer so that's really what it's all about. I can always revise later. It will need heavy revising most likely. Apart from writing I am reading. It felt like most of today was either writing or reading. I wonder when I will get sick of it?
I have a guide of 34,000 words will be about the end of Act II. It feels so far away. I shouldn't look at it like that.
I just feel a bit burnt out after writing for 3 hours straight. Now, it's about recovery and doing interesting stuff to fuel the writing. I am not a professional writer though so it really shouldn't matter. The flow state to write a good scene though is intoxicating.
At the end of the day I'm still lost. Grasping at what brings me flow. Writing and reading and whatever else there is.
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 17 2024 05:19. Posts 13174
On October 14 2024 14:17 RiKD wrote:
Paris, Texas
The Big Lebowski
Un Homme Qui Dort (The Man Who Sleeps)
I've kind of petered out on the writing for tonight. The thing is the music vibe I'm on is out of this world and I don't want to leave my computer. I need some time to figure out where the fuck this book is going. Wish I could go on another walk but it's 2100 hr and pitch black outside.
I could go with a movie but some combination of writing and reading Death's End does a pretty good job. Not great because I am running out of steam. Something really new or strange or fucked up or beautiful could hit the spot. Like what film does FKA Twigs like? I could also use a good cry. Something really powerful and sad. I wish I could date Kali Uchis.
I'm going out to dinner in a bit. Not really enough time to settle in to some writing. I'm still all about the movie suggestions. I have not been watching any movies at all lately.
I need 1 - 2 hours to really get settled into some writing.
There is not enough time to read a chapter in a book. Plus, I don't want to mess my hair up.
Art suggestions? Suggestions of art? That is the only thing keeping me alive.
I'll probably write a long enough blog for it to go on the 9th page. That's probably a good thing. A fresh start.
My novel has hit a rough patch. When the main character gets sober I have to write about him getting sober and that is basically turning into a recovery memoir which I don't like. So, I think I have to just do bits and pieces and get the main protagonist back together so he can do more things. It was a romance novel before this happened it can come full circle and be a romance novel afterall! (Not a recovery memoir!)
I don't actually need movie suggestions because I have Letterboxd for that if need be.
I have just been hanging in there irt Python. Getting into a writing flow is bliss. When things seem fucked up or the writer's block stares you in the face; that fucking cursor just blinks and blinks at you; torturing you.
I like the idea of turning nothing into something. Python is ok. Writing is much more exciting.
Python is like all this work to turn the square root of 36 into a number that isn't even 6.
don't write about some asshole getting sober. write about them getting more fucked up and forget all the artsy shit. airport novels are where the money is at.
On October 22 2024 16:50 CurbStomp2 wrote:
don't write about some asshole getting sober. write about them getting more fucked up and forget all the artsy shit. airport novels are where the money is at.
Yeah, I think the story was more interesting when everyone was getting fucked up and were capable of anything. I wrote myself into a corner. No one wants to hear my lead except masochists in AA. So, it has turned into a recovery memoir and I kind of hate it. I am not writing to be read. I don't expect to get published on my first draft. It is in some pursuit of a great novel. It might take me 10 years and I still might not be published. That's a long time. Think about spending 2 hours a day on something for 10 years.
On October 22 2024 20:33 CurbStomp2 wrote:
have you read irvine welsh? write shit like that. filth was the first book for adults i read just after reading harry potter. it was fucked up.
I have not read Irvine Welsh but I saw Trainspotting ages ago and remember liking it a lot.
I read like half of Naked Lunch by William Burroughs and thought some of it was brillilant but overall a bit much.
My story has the style and tone that it does. What I'm going through now is I do NOT want to write a recovery memoir which that's what it feels like at the moment. The solution would be to imagine something better which is impossible. My personal recovery story is perfect. I can't remember exactly what everyone said whether that is a share in a meeting or at the diner afterwards and I am fighting creating it all from scratch because that is a monumental endeavour albeit basically what being a writer is. Plus, my favorite character in the book is rendered obsolute that the protaganist is in sober world. It would be stupid for her to get sober because she's not an addict and I don't want to make her one. Creative writing is difficult.
“Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously headed for early success, but, rather, an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed. The more unpropitious the situation in which we demonstrate hope, the deeper that hope is. Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. In short, I think that the deepest and most important form of hope, the only one that can keep us above water and urge us to good works, and the only true source of the breathtaking dimension of the human spirit and its efforts, is something we get, as it were, from ‘elsewhere.’ It is also this hope, above all, which gives us the strength to live and continually to try new things, even in conditions that seem as hopeless as ours do, here and now." - Byung-Chul Han The Spirit of Hope
Alcoholic bottoms are not fun. People are typically just in their homes drinking all day and it's not working how it used to. Sometimes people get into car wrecks which sometimes kill others. It's not like alcoholics are drinking themselves to death in the here and now. The closest I got was ending up in the ER with alcohol poisoning. Early death due to liver problems is more like it or attempted suicides that succeed and don't succeed or that stay in an unmanageable amount of suicidal ideations.
There is more adventure to alcoholics before it gets really bad but more adventure for heroin addicts in general I'd say. I had a friend that woke up in a body bag. Now, I could steal that story for my book but all I know about heroin is what others have told me which isn't that much.
They say write what you know. I know about addiction and recovery from addiction so my first story is probably doomed to be about these things. Fuck. The thing is my first year and a half of sobriety was magical. I was on long-term disability, making all sorts of friends, going to meetings, to diners, and it may have been the best portion of my life. Add on running out of money and having to get a job at a grocery store that was pretty awful. I've never quite recovered from that. I am running out of money now and will probably go back to working at a grocery store. Coming up on 10 years of that including 10 years of blogging on here... I survived but did I live?
I've realized my problem. Early recovery being a perfect portion of my life is undescribable. It is unwritable. The other piece to this is David Foster Wallace did write recovery already. It's not perfect but he nailed it. Why even attempt it? Well, because that is where the story took me. I just have to write it the way I have to write it.
I wrote some bullshit. At least I can edit it later. You can't edit what is not there. Freed up some room to get back to some semblance of a story. This is definitely a first draft.
With all the time that I have and no girlfriend you would think I'd get addicted to pornography. That is not the case though. I mostly find porn to be vulgar and contrived.
I think I might have my protaganist learn how to fly. 75% of the way through the novel. How's that for a tone and style switch, bitch. What do you think alpha readers?
Part of the reason this novel is so difficult to write is because novels are fucking difficult to write! Another reason is that if it turns into a memoir nobody wants to read about my last 10 years of life if you could call it that. It just can't be a memoir. Even possibly the best one and a half year epoch is unwritable. The 10 years of vague fragments of memory working or being unemployed and poor.... Might as well just make it up like proper writers do and go wild. I only have 20,000 words left to go bonkers.
I want to talk about something other than my novel. Unless you want to talk about my novel.
I ate 6 ghiradeli chocolates for dinner tonight. I was eating rice and beans but I got tired of it and went for the chocolate.
I wish to be a nameless wanderer that does not leave a trace but I am too attached to my home, my stuff, and my medications. Far Eastern philosophy always fascinates me but it is so different from the West that I think a lot of the stuff just bounces off. I'm re-reading Absence by Byung-Chul Han and I may re-read the Daodeting by Lao Tse.
I could read the Daodeting by Laozi in one sitting but as a Westerner it feels like that would be similar to someone throwing dirt at me. Some by chance might stick but most will fall and dirty my shoes. I am a Westerner so I am wearing perfectly white Jordan IVs and now they are dirty.
“Let there be a little country without many people. Let them have tools that do the work of ten or a hundred, and never use them. Let them be mindful of death and disinclined to long journeys. They’d have ships and carriages, but no place to go. They’d have armor and weapons, but no parades. Instead of writing, they might go back to using knotted cords. They’d enjoy eating, take pleasure in clothes, be happy with their houses, devoted to their customs.” - Lao Tsu Tao Te Ching
It doesn't matter. I don't need a lot. My desires and wants are superfluous. I will eventually dissapear into a puddle on my bed as my health insurance bills keep coming in.
Depends on your personality. I would like to live in a nice home out near the mountains and have a border collie to run around. Maybe a lab to swim in the lake or a golden retreiver. That's only if I had a lot of land and I would still want a cat. 1 cat is perfect because there isn't a lot of stress and no conflict with other cats. In a city apartment 1 cat is perfect.
My golden retreiver is an old guy at this point. He's 13. I let him sleep in my bed and I typically get him out on walks 2 times a day. Lying in my bed and licking my pillow and the walks are the highlight of his day. He mostly sleeps. He still can get around pretty well I think because of all the consistent walks he's had.
I translate that as keep re-reading the Tao Te Ching until my eyes bleed... no it's not that obviously.
I remember getting really into Buddhism. They didn't really like white people or white people with Bipolar I. "They" meaning most monasteries in the USA. I don't blame them. I think looking back on it it is strange how science was looked upon. The "magical" aspects of Buddhism were strange too. Mostly I didn't like not listening to music or eating after noon but realistically, I didn't need to follow those guidelines. Practicing Buddhism and going to Refuge Recovery meetings I think I was actually really happy for a season or so.
I don't know why exactly I remembered this today but I remembered my last social drunk. My last night out on the town. I was buying a round of Fireball (cinnamon whiskey) that was popular at the time for a group of Hot Babes. I went out to smoke with them. I then realized I had no idea where my friends were. I had about 30 units of alcohol consumed. The cigarrete in my blood was feeling good too. I was literally lost in Chicago and I make a tear to catch up to wherever they were. I had a bunch of jewelry around my neck smoking the cigarette like a pro strolling my way cooly to a place I was unsure and I overheard some people on the street say, "Wow, that guy is really living in the moment!" and the group agree. I thought I was so cool. Maybe I was cool. I got a Netflilx and chill babe out of it and dating a woman who is wildly out of my league today. A hot future MD with an intellect. Little did anyone know (some people knew) I was a wreck inside. My insides were wretched. But, at the time I was such a force of nature drunk. Today, I am meek, mild, timid, confused, idiotic, daft, dull, etc. The problem is there is no going back. That force of nature is forever gone. It (the drinking) goes straight to full out brokenness. A part of me wants to smoke so I at least have 1 vice but that is a terrible idea and my parents will throw me out of the house.
I have been experimenting with different colognes from over 10 years old. I think all of them have kept their scent profiles. Which google says is possible. I usually just go with a nice smelling body wash + shampoo combo and get compliments that I smell good but some of these colognes smell so good I want to experiment more. I don't want to over do it. Like maybe 2-4 squirts depending on where it is. My favorite is either the Yves Saint Laurent l'nuit d'l'homme and the Jean Paul Gaulthier Le Male. There are just sitting there so I use them to pump me up to write because I like the smell. If my parents let me I'd have candles. It's just a Stimmung (mood/atmosphere) or vibe type thing. The last thing I want to do is be overpowering wearing stale cologne though. I'm like 1/4 French I guess it's no wonder I like French cologne, French red wine/champagne/cognac/cigarettes. But, I think if I had to pick just one designer I'd pick Issey Miyake.
Somtimes I like to think that I'm a cool guy. I think most of the time nowadays it's just not something I think about. I have enough clothes that I can wear them with out having to do too many washes. I get enough food. Sometimes more than enough. I have a house that is safe. I can take shelter and rest in this home. Wanting Issey Miyake is a leak but it's more of an aesthetic recognition. I don't have a suit. I don't even have khakis. Some years ago I wore a plain sweatshirt and jeans to a funeral. It gets complicated because I've lost 45 lbs. but I didn't really keep all that much from 170 lbs me or even 200 lbs. me. I also got to 220 lbs. and felt comfortable there for like a month that was kind of bad but it is what it is.
Alright, I'm sick of typing for now. Imagine if I put this effort into my novel what could be happening there. Oh well, I'm not going to force it. That could just make the story go worse or just lead to too many annoying edits.
So, I know that friends and romantic encounters with the other will make me happy. One thing that the Tao Te Ching was talking about is how happiness is on top of misery. It sits on top of misery. It's why sometimes in epochs of life there is mostly happiness with an under current of misery that can show at any time.
The thing is though, I can't make friends or encounter the other romantically. I have to figure out some other things to do. That is my life.
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 30 2024 03:20. Posts 13174
The weather is finally changing here in California. It's finally hoodie season, and I love it.
I wish Vancouver had cali weather, its been raining like crazy here with atmospheric rain, flooding. its been hoodie weather for awhile now in Vancouver, getting cold I miss summer but I don't mind the rain.
nice rikd keep up with the eastern philosophy its a nice read or watch
I don't feel like re-reading Zhuangzi's complete works so I will most likely be content to read the Tao Te Ching twice and think about it for a while and then just have it fade away with me sometimes finding myself on the Way and sometimes not. There is some really priceless stuff in the Tao Te Ching. I'd be wise to read it like once a week.
I'm pumped up. I hit the Python exercises this eveneing and there is good synergy with the MIT lectures.
Stroggoz, how many lectures were you doing in a week?
I have a feeling you were more motivated than me seeing Python as a way out. You are also definitely better than me at Math and have more natural talent for coding than me. w u w e i
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
I would rather be a writer than a coder but being a bad writer is probably worse than being a bad coder? I was spending quite a lot of time on writing that ole novel. It was just pouring out of me. Now it just feels like a cliched trope. David Foster Wallace already did the recovery thing and he did it exceptionallly well. I just found out today a guy I knew wrote a recovery trope novel too that probably, actually, looks really good. It does not look like a lot of people have bought it but it did get published. I don't know why I thought I could write a good story in that sphere but for 2 weeks I just wrote and wrote. I wonder how many dumbass addicts like me thought they could sit down and write a good story. At least I got to 30,000 words I guess. I may even get motivated to finish it.
I think at this point that I don't have employment I need one or the other or both (coding and writing). There's a lot of hours in the day to do stuff but I shouldn't be wasting attention. Imagine the potential if I quit both coding and writing? What would flourish from that?
I never said that. I said if I wrote 2 hours a day for 10 years maybe there is a shot. That is a collossal waste of time though if I suck or I would have to find it really fun. It just kind of sucks that I fell into a shitty trope (recovery memoir). I would have to pull it off really well which so far I don't think that's really the case.
I'm reading Ada, or Ardor which is an example of a great romance novel although it's incest which makes it way more interesting.
I'm reading Infinite Jest which largely is a recovery (memoir) novel. He does it so well that it doesn't matter that it's a shitty trope.
Then, I find out this random guy got a shitty recovery memoir trope published although from the description it sounds pretty good.
Of course, some idiot like me isn't going to sit down for a month and produce a clean fucking brilliant piece of literature. In fact, it's torture that I have tried so many mediums and I'm not great at anything. I haven't been creative writing that long so there is still hope. The nice thing about creative writing is there is a low barrier to entry and it doesn't cost anything but time and attention. I love painting but I need a studio and supplies for example.
There are few things for me more wholesome than smiling and saying "hi" to people around the neighborhood when I am walking the dog. That's the only time I get out of the house anymore. I had lunch planned with a friend but work called her in. There was this one woman jogging today I could see from afar that her silhouette was attractive. I don't like to jump to that but I am a still a virile man. She gave a great smile but with her eyes as well. I think she was high from the jog and the weather. It made my hour (I'm so lonely).
I watched a movie that I liked too which seems rare for me these days. I usually just don't watch anything because nothing looks good but my friend suggested that Wim Wenders had a new one out (2023) called Perfect Days. It's about a city worker that cleans toilets but obviously it's more than just that. Also, very wholesome. Rated PG. Japanese. It was right down my alley for last night.
I have some early Jim Jarmusch I'll watch when I have access to Max on the downstairs TV.
I'm just killing some time before dinner. Getting into the habit of killing time is a killer. Time and attention is extremely valuable.
I am getting signals from the Universe to simplify. Cut off all this hair and don't use hair product. Simplify my wardrobe. It's too many clothes and not enough clothes. Prune it like a Bansai tree. Instead of writing these sprawling novels I should be writing Haikus. Practice calligraphy. Simplify all aspects of my life.
I'm just going to fill this whole page with Haikus and book suggestions no one will ever read.....
Time marches on..... Time marches on..... Time marches on.......
I wake up, give the dog a walk, run some errands, make some dinner, holy shit it's like 8pm...... What do I do at 8pm on a Wednesday? (Time flies by)
I got a haircut today. I am going for simplification in my life. Buzzcut Fade 3-2-1 with a beard trim. It feels good man. Just have to look in all directions to simplify. Then I am left laying in my bed staring out the window or posting blogs on here....... Waste of a life. Wut ken i do?
I do admit that I regret donating a shit ton of books to the library that I would have read or re-read. Especially, the re-read part because I have bought some of them a 2nd time. I used to have 3 large bookshelves and now I only have 1 large bookshelf. I do feel that I have too much stuff. My whole room could use a pruning and a cleaning.
Some times I just feel the heaviness of existence and I am grasping at things to relieve that pressure. I should start studying Buddhism again even if it is more difficult in this (USA) culture. I still don't know what to do sometimes when the existential dread hits. I run to the internet but that has been limited to LP these days. So, I run to LP..... There is nothing here. It's hard to make something out of nothing on this website. My self-obsessed blogs are not something worthwhile. I'll try and figure out something else to do.......
I'm trying to think of how I can add value to this website. It's really just lostaccount, PR, and myself left. How can I turn nothing into something. Call me Crescent Moon. Obviously, there is nothing that can be done at this space and time. I mess around a bit posting random things. It's a compulsion and compulsion is compulsion.
I don't want to think about what I am grateful for although I know it would help me in some way.
I don't think I can be helped either.
This is how I am feeling right now:
It would be powerful of me to accept solitude and accept poverty but I am not that powerful.
I'll hold off on the haiku for a bit of Sunday night reflection. I don't feel that great to be honest. I felt better this morning with my readings being fresh for the day, practicing DuoLingo, and walks. I was in the flow. Now, I just feel alone. I feel like I am destined to be alone. I am on a group text with some old friends. It just felt like I was late to the party because I was late to the party. I was charging my phone and forgot about it but the whole thing just did not give me a good feeling. Then I called one of my supposed good friends and he hasn't called me back. I was also supposed to have lunch today with a friend but she forgot about it or did not feel like going. It just feels like I am holding on to some kryptonite or something. I am not supposed to want but I want friends and I think that is reasonable. The Taoteching is not the only book of wisdom in the world. Human connection is important.
What have I been doing to cope? Well, I have been obsessing about colognes and clothing. That is my recent obsession. I don't have any money to buy the stuff so it's pretty stupid.
At the base of all of this is my fear of driving. I'm not hitting the exposure therapy hard enough or the right way. I see a neurologist in December. Maybe he will have some answers.
I don't want to be isolated and I don't want to be broke. Maybe that is my destiny. Maybe I should get acceptance. Maybe I am destined to be a reclusive hermit. Not driving and having no money really puts a boundary on what I can accomplish in the world.
i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?
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PuertoRican United States. Nov 12 2024 01:36. Posts 13174
On November 11 2024 18:03 CurbStomp2 wrote:
i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?
I don't drive at all. I take an Uber to work every day.
At my age, I've just gotten so used to not driving. I don't think it'll change, especially since I know I will retire in a country that isn't super reliant on driving. That being said, it's not cheap to Uber to work every day, so I wouldn't recommend doing it unless you have the funds for it.
On November 11 2024 18:03 CurbStomp2 wrote:
i also have a bit of a fear of driving, but that's with a manual car. a friend took me to practice after not driving for 4 years and all was good, except reversing was hard. i just couldn't manage the speed and went way too fast. with automatic everything is fine. its a bit retarded not to be able to drive automatic. what do you fear about it? crashing, or the car dying and you blocking the traffic or what?
Fear of crashing. Driving into a marsh / river. Fear of horrible injury. Fear of death. There was a time when I would shake uncontrollably and it freaked me out. Probably due to lithium poisoning but it still freaked me out. I'm seeing a neurologist in December. They are over-booked and under-staffed so I couldn't get an appointment until then. I know most will not understand or think I am an idiot but it is what I am going through. There is nothing anyone can say either. Well, not really. My therapist can coach me through exposure therapy but that has not helped.
Anyways, I think the driving thing is between my psychiatrist, neurologist, therapist, and myself. I don't expect any answers here.
To change the subject:
I'm loving this song at the moment. Looked up Peggy Gou and was infatuated with her beauty. I don't know how to stop my male gaze from objectifying women. I know that she is a complicated human being but I can't help but notice beauty. Beauty is a feeling I can't control.
I finished Death's End of the 3 Body Problem Trilogy last night. I think I may have read the last 20% of the book yesterday. Made for a good day. I don't always get life experience like that. I definitley suggest it to anyone who likes sci-fi.
Listening to some Royksopp. Reminds me of sleeping in my pitch black room in Malta high as a motherfucker. So high I think I might die or see ghosts. Then, I just focus on the music and travel to other dimensions. I don't need that in my life today. It's just amusing thinking back. It just shows the depths of hell drinking can get me. I'll give up traveling to different dimensions in order to not enter hell.
I have 3 fragrances right now from back in the day: Jean Paul Gaulthier Le Male, Dolce & Gabbana Pour Homme, and Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De l'homme. They are quite good. It's all I'm going to have for now because fragrances are not a need.
It can be tough living only for need. I want what I want when I want it. What is enough?
Should I resign myself to becoming a hermit for non-religious reasons? That sounds like a bad idea to me. I should make enough that I can survive. Clothes are a tricky one for me because I need clothes. I care about clothing. I don't need Issey Miyake. I have enough clothes to survive. I bought some socks today because I've been noticing a lot of my socks have holes. They were cheap so we'll see how that goes. 70% merino wool is a plus but part of the other 30% was acrylic which is a plastic that I fucking paint with. Don't know what that is doing in socks. It was 6 pairs of socks for $24. That seems reasonable. I wanted to go with Darn Tough socks but they were $24 per pair! Everyone has to wear socks. What kind of socks do you like?
How did you decide on the socks that you wear?
Most of my boxer briefs are raggedy and have holes in them but it doesn't matter because I'm an incel. No Hot Babe 10 is going to see me in my boxer briefs so it really doesn't matter. They are 100% black Bread and Boxer boxer briefs but Bread and Boxer doesn't even do business in the USA anymore and they are too expensive for me anyways today.
I think it's fascinating how we curate our wardrobes and the reasons behind it. Same with interior decorating.
Tribe Called Quest at night is a helluva suggestion guys.
I'm not sure how to follow that last post. I don't feel like sleeping yet I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about a lot of things. This driving thing is my cross to bear. This employment thing is my cross to bear. I am feeling a bit of despair around these items. I am trying to figure out where the hope is. Suicidal thoughts start to creep in. These thoughts can be comforting. I don't want to go yet though. 44 seems a bit old for self-harm.
Besides all that. I don't even know anymore. I finished Red Pine's version of the Taoteching. I enjoyed the translation and the commentary. Best yet.
I was completely layered and draped in black today. I think it's a good look. I could make it my uniform. I have been going for more of a minimalist vibe lately. I still have some simplifying to do with my room. I won't actually wear all black everyday because that is not my existing wardrobe and I can't afford new clothes.
I am depressed. I am depressed because I am trapped. Trapped in disability or trapped in employment. It's starting to hit a bit stronger even though I try to suppress it. I try to escape. It works sometimes for short periods of time. That is basically what I live for now a days. Maybe nothing has changed my entire life.
she looks like shit compared to this woman i saw at a supermarket today. i saw her from behind and her hair was so on point, like this fucking game of thrones long blonde princess hair. I knew she had to have a beautiful face as well, cause you don't invest that much into your hair, if your face is fucking ugly. i was right, she was pretty. the american mutts don't compare.
I would imagine the women in Finland on average are fitter than in the USA. I personally like mutts. Not that it really matters because I am in no place to have kids or even date.
I am just trying to kill some time while this pear digests that I ate with my lithium. Next up on my to read list is a Hyusmans. It's French. I have no idea how to pronounce that. "Usma"? It's my first Hyusmans. I did some research to find the best translation. The main character from Submission by Hoellbecq was a Hyusmans scholar. I could be spelling both of these names incorrectly. My French is like lvl 2 DuoLingo French. I also got Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace. I've also never read an Oscar Wilde so that is on deck.
My basis is reading and walking. Always has been. At least when I'm unemployed. Then there are other things I get excited about and then lose interest. Right now my obsession is Rick Owens. Fashion shows put me in a trance. I'm also finally reading a book on Brutalist architecture I got a while ago and a book on Le Corbusier that I finished earlier today. I'm out of the running for being an architect at this point but I am fascinated by it. That is one of the occupations that I thought about doing as a child. I took drafting classes and AutoCAD classes in high school. I was ok at drafting and better at AutoCAD but it didn't quite resonate with me. It doesn't seem like anything resonates with me on a long timeline. Except for reading and walking.
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PuertoRican United States. Nov 18 2024 17:31. Posts 13174
On November 17 2024 03:02 RiKD wrote:
There is no action on here. Let's create some.
Let's say Finland sterilized 100,000 of the undesirables how much of an effect would that have?
Poverty clearly has an effect. If you can't afford beauty products and are stressed all of the time you're likely sunk.
For women especially it is important to be in a range of body fat % (15-30%) in order to be attractive.
Weight all depends on height and bone density.
I'm 5'11 or so and weigh 155 pounds, which is the most I've ever weighed. I have a thin frame.
My ex girlfriend is 5'7 and weighed 125 pounds, which was perfect for her frame because she had great tit's and a nice ass, but wasn't fat. She had the ideal body for most American women, but it was average and maybe a little thick compared to the other women in her hometown of Minsk.
I've got a world of problems. Life isn't fair. I'm trying to do the right things. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Like I just want to sleep or cry. I haven't cried yet. Not sure why not. It feels better to blast off in the gym.
On November 17 2024 03:02 RiKD wrote:
There is no action on here. Let's create some.
Let's say Finland sterilized 100,000 of the undesirables how much of an effect would that have?
Poverty clearly has an effect. If you can't afford beauty products and are stressed all of the time you're likely sunk.
For women especially it is important to be in a range of body fat % (15-30%) in order to be attractive.
the sterilization law for the mentally ill was repealed 1970 i think. schizophrenics couldn't get married till 88, which was the year i was born. even deaf people couldn't get married for whatever reason lol.
I may only be able to talk about books. I could talk about my training session today. I was scheduled to do legs but there were people everywhere. I ended up just rowing on the rowing machine for 10 min. and leaving...
Did I mention I finished Death's End? Not sure. Brilliant book and trilogy. I definitely suggest it.
After that I went with an Huysmans which I found out is pronounced like "Ouis-mauns." The book I went with was Against Nature. I got a lot of joy out of reading this book even though it is about nothing basically. If you don't want to read about a guy who isolates himself from society and makes like perfume to keep him going and re-arranges his book collection and then tells you about all the books, etc. There were parts of the book that really made me quite happy but I didn't need a laundry list of French author critiques that I don't know. I don't think I would just blanketly suggest this to LP but some might be interested and hell, give it a go.
Huysmans has me intrigued so I am picking up The Damned (La Bas) and it will be here tomorrow. My secret library did not have a decent translation so I went with the best which is paperback only and will cost me a bit of money.
I also read Oscar Wilde Salome which was a short play but good.
I am currently reading Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace. I like a lot of the stories. Some are kind of meh. I would expect the quality to be high as he wrote these and published it 3 years after Infinite Jest.
But yeah, there it is. At a base level it is still about reading and walking and now lifting. I think I am probably getting enough protein. .5g of protein for lb. of bodyweight is a little more realistic than 210 g of protein. That is 40 grams of protein over 5 meals which is a fuck ton. That's not reasonable for me. I need a day off tomorrow so I can really get after it next week. I need to actually schedule a workout instead of just walking around the gym deciding what to do. It becomes impossible to get a training session in when there are other people there doing things.
I've been listening to the hard techno for my volume workouts. I like it a lot. Keeps me going.
I think I honestly wouldn't mind looking like this guy but he might not even lift weights. Just super good genetics Brad Pitt in Fight Club look. The muscle insertions are crazy. He probably just rolled out of bed this way one day. Cigarettes and low food diet. I shouldn't get too hung up on it. It would be impossible for me to recreate that look I think. I'm just built different. Back when I was like 28 I was close to that but not that low body fat%. He still has aesthetic shoulders, chest, and abs are ridiculous.
I like that aesthetic. It would still likely take years to reach an aesthetic like last 2.
Again, we are talking years of training here and I'm over 40 and I'm in the worst shape of my life besides when I was 260 lbs. earlier this year but what I am finding is I am not in shape just because I lost 50 lbs. walking and starving myself.
I used to compare myself to this:
I guess I still compare but I can only do the best that I can do.
he has a nice body, but dude looks like a dork. i dont understand fashion shows and stuff like that. i understand that some things are going to be fashionable for the average folk, but whats the point of these faggots wearing something that nobody would ever wear?
It's just art / avante garde shit aka nerd couture shit. They love to fuck with form and silhouette and make that segment of people jizz their pants. Whether the designer intends it or not it is a form of marketing the product.
I always say this when I am lifting but I have to do something to remember that I always feel better when I am lifting versus not. A part of me thought that once I hit over 40 that I would just give up on that but I think it's more important to lift at over 40 then any other age except if someone is gunning to be a professional athlete. I am not lifting heavy yet by any means but I still get all the benfits of lifting.
I don't know where I'm at to be honest. From far away it looks grim but the day to day is ok. I'm thinking about having a goth season. In high school I always kind of liked the goths. I was wearing Polo Ralph Lauren and Ambercrombie & Fitch to try to fit in but I was just a nerd. Not too nerdy. I got good enough grades without putting too much work in which worked in my favor. I was also good at sports. I used to talk to the goths about music and professional wrestling. I was lucky my parents had money.
If only I had money to paint. A good enough studio and some supplies.
I guess I still have literature. I finished The Damned by Huysmans. That's a damn good novel. I started on American Psycho by Bret Eaton Ellis which has started off great. It's not the same escape that creating art holds but I'll take it.
Let's get back to the goth season:
New Rock Boots
Fuck. I don't even know what else goths wear. BLACK. That is pretty obvious. Any former / current goths on LP?
I think JNCO jeans were in at some point in my childhood. Band t-shirts. Uncut hair. Sometimes eye makeup.
The big thing is I want to get dressed up and go to raves and parachute molly. What do the kids do now a days? Ketamine? I think I'd rather do molly. I'm hoping I could pull off a vibe like techno viking than weird over 40 dude.
How many mid-life crises can someone have?
I want to be an old, strong fucker
Louise Nevelson mo fuckas
I have to figure out what I am doing with my life...
Just blasted off on a leg day and it feels good man. Got some trap bar deadlifts in, kettlebell swings, and 45-degree back extensions, and some calf raises. I feel like the calf raises didn't really do shit compared to hiking at 260 lbs. I gotta get a ruck sack and do some serious hiking. Anyone have any secrets for building calves? I don't think I can stimulate them enough in the gym.
Rothko, White Center, 1950
I'm getting these shoes for Christmas:
I'm wondering if I should have gotten these:
It's too late now. The Brooks Ghost always fit me really well. I hate being such an idiot consumer. We get something we covet and then we want something else.
I'm thinkig about also picking some of these up:
They are functional as fuck and I can do my deadlifts and squats in them. I think they are only like $65 too which is pretty good for an excellent pair of shoes.
What are y'all getting for Christmas?
Shoes and haircut are important. Then basically don't be skinny, don't be fat, definitely don't be skinny fat. Skinny is better than fat. blah blah blah. blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
Just sittin' in the crib listening to some Andy Stott:
I don't think I have a whole lot on my mind tonight. Last night I had some terrifying nightmares. The ones so bad you don't want to go back to sleep.
I don't think I am goth material. It would be fun to really go all out on Halloween or get dressed up for a show or a goth night somewhere but I would hate to put makeup on everyday and have to thrift for goth clothing pieces. I don't love goth rock or dark wave or any of the other genres to be honest which kind of kills it. I do like this idea of escape and finding a social sphere I haven't tried yet.
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PuertoRican United States. Dec 02 2024 06:07. Posts 13174
My brother has got me playing World of Warcraft: 20th Anniversary Classic Edition. I don't know if it's a good idea. I'm trying to level up in life not this stupid WoW character.
On November 21 2024 01:23 RiKD wrote:
Time to find a new woman PuertoRican.
I already found a new woman.
Have you had any luck finding a significant other?
This is bullshit. Do you even read my blog? I can barely pay for health insurance and medications let alone a date.
you could date lefty women who don't care if you are a loser. actually the bigger loser artist you are, the more they seem to dig you. not having your own place is the problem. then again you could move the her place and not pay anything, just larp as a financially struggling misunderstood genius. you'd also have to start drinking again.
I don't want to reflect. I don't want to think. I just finished American Psycho by Bret Eaton Ellis. What an outrageous book. What a brilliant book.
you could date lefty women who don't care if you are a loser. actually the bigger loser artist you are, the more they seem to dig you. not having your own place is the problem. then again you could move the her place and not pay anything, just larp as a financially struggling misunderstood genius. you'd also have to start drinking again.
There is some truth to this. I use to hang around leftist circles until I became terrfied of driving over bridges and on the highway. I made it to Food Not Bombs most weeks. Not quite enough meetups to truly feel a part of but I did get invited to some events. The problem is most of the women were quiet young and your post is an exaggeration. Your post is a charicature. It is very true of some of the women but easily less than 1 out of 5 or 1 out of 10. I obviously wouldn't start drinking again just to land a date. I am not even sure there would be a charming moment in my drinking today.
Anyways, I think that I sort of outgrew most lefty circles. I tried that social sphere. I am not a Marxist. I am not a Leninist. I am not an Anarcho-Communist, I am not a Democratic Socialist of America (DSA), etc. There were a lot of cool people there though. I would still go if driving there was more effortless versus impossible.
This is why I brought up goth season because it is a social sphere I've never tried. It's a moot point because I don't care to get into the music or paint my face or thrift goth clothing pieces.
This is the problem. I am just me by myself. I have no social sphere. I get high lifting weights and then come home and try and figure out what to do. World of Warcraft has actually helped with this problem but in the long run it will hurt me. There are some hours that feel like it's cool to unwind and play WoW but really every hour I play WoW I could be doing something better most likely or my life has gotten to a point that it doesn't matter. Meaning there is nothing in my life at the moment so I have to have SOMETHING.
I can go on walks with the dog. I can read. I can lift weights which has been a God send. Everything else seems like a potential distraction. A distraction from what?
I still have my obsession with Rick Owens. I have already watched all the fashion shows though. Not like I could afford any of his clothing pieces ever. Not that I wouldn't feel like a chump if I spent $400 on a viscose / silk cut off t-shirt, $2,000 on a cashmere sweater, $6,000 on platform boots. I have to admit the man has taste though.
I left the house tonight. Dinner at a good Thai restaurant in town. Waitress was lovely. I have a crush on her. I thought she may have been interested somewhat as I was dressed very well and she played with her hair a lot. On further observation I think she just played with her hair a lot. She was relatively young as well. Everyone is seeming relatively young these days. The young receptionist at the gym calls me "sir" all of the time. Anyway, this is a problem of not leaving the house enough. Little infatuations with all types of women. It leads to frustration. Porn is just not good enough. My whole life is frustration. The gym is my only sanctuary. It releases the frustration and anxiety. I am really down low. Down low in it. Sometimes it seems like there is no way out. Bankruptcy perhaps. If I could get an income it wouldn't be too terribly terrible but I can only drive so far at the moment. I am doing my best to get over this thing with exposure therapy but I keep running into anxiety attacks. No one seems to take what I am going through seriously. Not even my psychiatrist or therapist. Hopefully, the neurologist will offer up something, anything.
I am finding these David Foster Wallace short stories somewhat unsatisfying. It may just be difficult to read anything after American Psycho by Bret Eaton Ellis. I may try to read Eaton Ellis short stories next. Hopefully, there is not too much torture and murder in those. I have not really been into watching movies recently. I have been somewhat steadily playing World of Warcraft (WoW). I don't think it is such a bad thing to throw on when there is some time to kill. Society tells me WoW is a waste of life, an escape, no one cares about your WoW level, embarrassing, inefficient use of attention. Capitalism is always weighing on me. Telling me to be an entreprenuer, faster, better, stronger, achievement, success. It's enough to drive someone mad. Should I care about authenticity or is that a capitalist trap? Everything is a capitalist trap except maybe nature but these days you need the right outfit to go into nature. Stores like REI exist solely for that reason.
Oh well. I'll get a night of sleep in and hit the gym real heavy tomorrow and everything will be ok for a short period of time until it's not ok.
God, I feel so good after going to the gym. Trimmed my beard and my mustache too. I've been getting a lot of compliments that I look great albeit so many things looming on the horizon.
My freshman year of highschool I took flag football / basketball for gym with the Marine gym teacher. I was a late bloomer and this was a year or two before I would hit puberty. I am unsure if I could even get a set in with the bar. A lot of the class were senior football players who had been lifting for 4 years. I didn't like this experience. Luckily, my day would come. Well, I am well past those days now. Over 40 lifter. It can be done. I am inspired every day by people in my very own gym who are getting after it at 40+. It's not rocket science. Progressive overload + eating enough. That's about it. Do a program that will motivate you to keep going and minimize the chance of injury. Sometimes it feels bad man like when I can't even do 1 dip when I used to dip with 2 45s dangling from a chain belt but I am eating enough and the weights and reps keep moving up. I still get the mind benefits. In fact, mind benefits are probably heightened for a beginner although I could be wrong.
If anyone wants to take a dive into older movies (silent movies), The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) is fantastic.
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PuertoRican United States. Dec 10 2024 04:20. Posts 13174
On December 08 2024 21:36 RiKD wrote:
God, I feel so good after going to the gym. Trimmed my beard and my mustache too. I've been getting a lot of compliments that I look great albeit so many things looming on the horizon.
I don't know how I feel about this set. I have been liking some of the I Hate Models (IHM) songs. It almost seems like pop hard techno. Like would I really want to be there in a sea of cellphones, shirt off, sunglasses on, speed and molly in my bloodstream... Maybe in 2008. I just don't think that is my scene at this point. I'll still listen to some of it if I'm getting in volume in the gym.
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United States. Aug 22 2024 02:17. Posts 9202
. I will start grinding again soon when I’m bored of life. Nice weather and all today, good day for golf but I’m just listening to music n meditating haha
