There weren't any hard body Hot Babes in the gym today. Just fucking kids. I wanted to cut their guts out and sit in their entrails. Just swarming the place with their young faces and cheap colognes. I wasn't the oldest creep in the place. There were a few other oldsters with similar facial expressions to what I supposed mine was.
I am literally listening to a song called Eternal Lonliness as I type this. I would read but my dog is sleeping on my pillow and I don't want to wake him up. I put on a few sprays of Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De L'Homme. Maybe tonight will be my night.
I do need to find something for my abdominal progression. I can do 3 sets of 12 more or less perfect on the swiss ball crunch. I need something to stimulate the abdominal muscles with out taxing the back. That's the main issue. I've got most other things under control and cooking nicely. At least in the gym.
It felt like my testosterone was low today. I had made up my mind the previous night to treat my days as a warrior would. Travis told me that. I had trouble getting out of bed. I had trouble eating breakfast. I had trouble taking a shower. I was crunched for time on my lift. I had to do it backwards. Meaning starting with dips and ending with bench press because idiots were camping out all over the place. No hard body Hot Babes and I don't even find that funny today and didn't ogle anyone. The music sucked. I was sick of it all day. After dinner my dad asked me for a popsicle and I just grabbed one out of the freezer and threw it across the room and he wasn't looking. Luckily my aim was off and it smacked against the chair and hit the floor. I already took my mini-suicide (nap) and feel like I need another one. I printed out some resumes and scoped out some places that need people nearby. Now, I just need to show up and be somewhat charming.
It was a sausage fest in the gym today boys! Probably because guys like me are ogling the women. It's hard not to when they are wearing lyotards, sports bras, and skin tight booty shorts. My days these days naturally revolve around the gym. I have to get violent in the gym so I don't get violent in these streets (or more likely violent to myself).
Totally new vibe. A few sprays of Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male and
When you are as lonely as me you have to create atmospheres in the emptiness. DECADENCE. Moral and cultural character? I'm just trying to get through the night. My luxury remains from 2013 and earlier. Someone may still be nursing my beloved bottle of Hennesey that I gave to charity. I could probably use a large glass. Habitually warm it up in the hands. Maybe a cigar. Maybe a blunt. Maybe some Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams Darkest Chocolate. Non! I just had a protein shake, some raisins, a banana, a piece of dark chocolate, and an orange. When will I break? When will I snap? I need to get the violence out in my art or I will take the violence out on myself. Another night of this. There is no pleasure in this. Get a job you bum! I can't call on the employers' at this hour.
I can do it. I know I can do it. Like the 'ole sales days. I did the marketing work now I have to do the sales work.
But, I don't want to think about that anymore tonight. I want pleasure. Pleasure, pleasure or at least to wind down in an appropriate fashion. (A few more sprays of Jean Paul Gualtier Le Male). This cologne takes me to the clubs of Las Vegas. Decadence in the desert. A Brazilian that looks like a model. I told her she could dance for Victoria's Secret Lingerie. She told me she likes the smell of my cologne when she whispers in my ear. Everyone's leaving the club. Non, non, non. Not now, not yet. I find myself in front of stacks of chips in a cardroom. I make a hero call. I lose. I start hurling insults. Big men in suits usher me out of the cardroom. I'm in the Bellagio. I want a Bobby Baldwin Burger. I'm kicked out of the Bellagio. Another night, another night. I'm probably better off sitting here in this empty room. I watch the seconds tick on the watch sitting on the cabinet. It is an hour ahead. I never wear it so what's the difference?
I could read my novel but my dog is sleeping on my pillow again. He looks so peaceful and content. He is 13 years old. Just because I am disturbed why should I disturb him?
"Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." - Cesar A. Cruz
The room is not empty. I am. Numb.
Lacking in touch. Starving for touch. Damaged. Wretched. I know it can get better. Tomorrow is a new day. One day at a time. First things first. Swallow the frog. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. I'm frail, I'm fragile, I'm fucked up but somehow I have to make a change. For nobody, for everybody, for myself.
It certainly didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. This is what it feels like (numb), this is what it feels like (numb), THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE (SHIT)
but, hey, I'm still alive. I'm still alive right? I'm still alive.
Man, my therapist said I was a genius the other day and I am thinking in what? How is this helpful?
I have yet to be able to muster up the courage to languidly stroll into some of these employers and have a chat about how great I would be for their establishment. I think what I have to do is play some music as loud as it will go. Once I pop the cherry it will be easier. But if I truly believe that I am somewhat damaged and wretched... It's hard to be somewhat damaged and wretched and have a disdain for the bourgeoise and then turn around and sell yourself to these establishments.
OK, I said I didn't want to think about that anymore. Maybe it's good that I did. Maybe I am just overthinking.
Eros, where are you? Give me something to keep me alive.
3
PuertoRican United States. Jan 17 2025 08:58. Posts 13158
On January 10 2025 04:10 RiKD wrote:
Should I take literally anything (dishwasher, janitor) to get an income?
Why is this even a question? Do you feel like you are above them in some way?
There are people with master's who clean for a living. If you need money you need money, no? Your ego shouldn't get in the way of your needs. What is available to you is all you can pick from, so stop overthinking things and jump into one of them. It's like in poker, at some point you have to make a move even if you don't know the best play and all options seem bad.
1 protein shake, 2 oranges, 2 handfuls of raisins, 2 pieces of dark chocolate.
I languidly strolled up to a local restaurant. The hostess was standing alert.
"Hi, I saw on the internet you had some job openings..."
"What?"
"Job openings."
"What?"
"J o b O p e n i n g s."
"What?"
"Job Openings."
She nodded and grabbed an application. I sat down at the bar and filled out the application. I stood up from the bar and walked over to the hostess and handed her the application with a copy of my resume. Then, I strolled out of the place. Andante.
Was that so difficult? No, it was not.
*
Portishead in the crib tonight. Portishead in the crib. We got some Baths in the crib. Beinvenue Baths!
I have a compulsion to wear cologne. There is no one around. I just like the atmosphere. All alone, bathed in Yves Saint Laurent La nuit de l'homme, empty, all black, listenin' to Baths. This is all I have (right now). God, I love cologne. That first hit is wonderful. Intoxicating. Moving along to the 2nd phase is really where it's at. Then, tomorrow I will wake up and get the after tones.
I need a little love to ease the pain. I need a little love to ease the pain.
This will be a tough trek I must travaille. To get out of this wretched position.
I can't bloody write about nothing and post YouTube videos all night. Bloody hellfire. That can be a benefit of employment. Takes up 8 hours of the day. It's really hard living to not be able to afford anything but have the whole day to "burn." Just using the term "burn" shows how shitty the position is. Of course, when I am employed I'm going to be cursing it. It's not like I will be swimming in money anyways but it will alleviate the abyssmal position I find myself in today.
One thing that is pretty clear in "The New Year" after going a 1 all-around buzzcut for simplicity's sake is that my hair is thinning. This is something new to me. I thought I had escaped it for some reason. I don't know if I should try and salvage it. That sounds expensive and annoying. I think what I will do is be a man and shave it.
This is what it looks like at the moment:
Poll: What should I do about male pattern baldness?
(Vote): Try voodoo remedies
(Vote): Be a man and go bald
Sippin' on some white tea. I've got all the good l theanine coursing through my blood stream. I'm finally calm yet alert listenin' to some Andy Stott, Aphex Twin, Leon Vynehall, Burial. If you have any curiousity surrounding electronic music check any one of these guys out.
Aphex Twin Selected Ambient Works 85-92 is perfect for taking some sort of speed like adderall or caffeine and building a computer or coding.
Andy Stott you can just start with his most popular on Spotify and branch out from there.
I'm just trying to wind down and get cozy. Always have been.
That's where the tea and the cologne come in. They make me cozy. Add a hoody or a blanket and a good book and maybe I can get there. I seem to be in the mood to ruminate. There does not seem to be anything to ruminate on besides my potential ruminating.
I have done very little to deserve any accolades of modern society. I am in no way qualifed to be the arbiter of change in said modern society. If I want accolades of modern society I have to behave in a way to deserve them. Modern society is broken. I am broken. It's the best we can do? Does that question even matter? We are where we are. If I was smart I'd put a smile on my face and dance a little dance for the people. Another mask. I thought I had given up masks. The French word for happy is content. The French word for work is travail. I think there is a lot of wisdom in just these 2 words.
I am teetering, man, I am teetering. There is self-doubt in whether I can do it or not. Every day. Day after day. It really is an endurance race. To endure. Endure being another word for suffer. To bear. Grin and bear it. Well, I don't really feel like smiling right now. Please stop telling me to smile more.
PLEASE STOP TELLING ME TO SMILE MORE!
I'm listening to some OutKast. They usually do a good job of bringing me up when I am down. Just trying to get those streaks of time when I am feeling alright. It's nicer going to bed with a clean head or as clean as it can get.
"You have such a good smile. You should smile more."
The waitress is not a waitress but an actor acting like what she thinks a waitress should act like. Sartre said something like that. Hopefully, I'm not mangling it.
"Human, all too human." - Nietszche
"We are human afterall." - Daft Punk
I'm going to crash around a little bit and write too many blog posts on here because that is just in my nature and something I have been doing for 20 years.
I remember I would get the largest of coffees at Starbucks and a croissant chocolat and listen to Prime Time of your Life by Daft Punk on repeat as I drove in to the steel plants. I'd park on the lake and finish my coffee watching the sun rise. I guess in a way that was the primetime of my life but right now could be the primetime of my life also and now and now and now because the primetime of my life on multimillion dollar projects at 28 is gone and I don't know what tomorrow brings so really right now is the primetime of my life. *Looks down at finger. Picks a bit of dirt out of thumbnail*
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United States. Jan 14 2025 06:44. Posts 9085
