the'being and the nothingness - Page 3

When you depart this place, what do you hope to leave? Who's going to carry your body? Your legacy? Your dynasty?

I know I've mentioned this before but I can't get enough of all these backless tops, dresses, etc. I remember one of my crushes Rachel wore a backless red dress to my sister's wedding that was stunning. The red dress is alright on its own but you put Rachel in that thing and it's a winning combination. She is happily married now herself with a child so that ship has sailed. No women would want me in my current situation anyways and that shit hurts man. No amount of training can fix my position but I'd be in real trouble if I didn't have training.

I wish I had a novel in me, I really do. Maybe it takes another 10 years and something gets formed. Writing away has got to be better than scrolling Reddit or basically any online activity. Making music and writing have to be peak activities and I can do both offline.

I'd say my last 4 days have been on point. I was an absolute animal in the gym. My macros have been pretty spot on. It will be tough to recreate this last 4 days or maybe I can do even better! Finally, taking a day off tomorrow.

I really respect all these women in the gym. A lot of them are probably in there for the same reasons I am. Some of them might be in more pain than me. I see a trend of people in the gym will come in all hoodied up and they don't take their sweats or hoody off until they know they have a good pump. That always screamed insecure to me. Then, some of the time you see them working out like they've got some serious demons. I'm not hating on that either. God knows I have my demons. I don't want a woman so insecure and broken but I can be insecure and broken myself. Sometimes I feel great about my body. Other times not so much. That is a pretty normal thing I think. I wear a lot of cutoff shirts in the gym. I suppose to show off my tattoos and arms. I'm fine with my arms pumped or un-pumped.

Naturally, one would think the gym would be the perfect place to meet someone. I don't really think so. I don't want to shit where I eat and I'm pretty sure most women do not want to be bothered. Unfortunately, like I said I'm not in a good place to date.

It does bring me confidence to have close to perfect workouts and close to perfect eating. It brings some order to my life that can feel so chaotic or empty. It's a purpose. It's a reason to get up in the morning.

But, do I just want to be a lean, jacked guy who spends way too much time online? I don't have to be out in da club to feel good but I would like to spend some time on the patio with people. I hesitated to write fascinating. I would rather spend time with fascinating people but I don't know if that is a reasonable expectation. One of my good friends from high school and college started calling me "The Most Interesting Man In the World" when I was playing poker and travelling the world. It's a stark contrast to my days today. That's ok though. That's what I want though. At least a day or two in the coffee shop or the patio just spending time with people.

I think I was pushed by the cosmos to start a new novel. It's an audacious thing to do. I think I always need to have some creative aspect to my life. Fuck video games, fuck being online..... Yet... Here I am.