the'being and the nothingness

The problem is no matter what I do with this time on LP it is atomized time as Byung-Chul Han would say. There is no duration, no vastness. Whatever I try to accomplish on here is not going to add up like an evening on the patio with friends would accomplish. Patios are not open and I don't have friends so that is a problem. I probably would qualify for disability. I don't know it's just that life on disability payments, Medicaid, and food stamps is fucking rough. If I can do better I should especially since Trump is going to fuck with those people as much as he can.

I can string together as many posts as I can muster. It's not going to add up. I badly need the gym and a new book.

"What ails you, mistress? The blowing of the breeze, the passing of a cloud, everything disquiets you just now!"

"I do not know," she said.

"You are wearied with too long prayers!"

"Oh! Tanaach, I would fain be dissolved in them like a flower in wine!"

"Perhaps it is the smoke of your perfumes?"

"No!" said Salammbo; "the spirit of the gods dwells in fragrant odours."

Page 49, Salammbo by Flaubert

I've been playing some Diablo II: Resurrected (d2r) and Warcraft III: Reforged (wc3). I quit World of Warcraft: Classic. My brother abandoned me and I never really liked that game much anyway. I always loved d2r. It's been really fun running through that game again. Reforged is fucking horrendous. They should have never touched the animations. I would say it's unplayable but I was playing it, begrudgingly. I have to do something into the night.

This blasted wc3! With the new animations I have to sit and stare for what seems like an eternity trying to figure out what the hell all this shit is. If RTSs aren't stimulating and addicting though. I curse this damn game yet I'm still laddering on a dead community. It's similar to me even venting about wc3 on this more or less dead community. I'm playing dead games and venting about it on dead websites...

Mmmmm, that feels good. Having a close game, playing well, and winning. What tops that?

Was listenin' to the new Kublai Khan TX album "Exhibition of Prowess" in the gym today.



All of the weight felt really light like I should have been doing more weight.

In order to come back down to the planet Earth I went with this in the car:

Music - Check.

Fragrant parfums - Check.

I was just laying down in my bed thinking. Sometimes I don't want to analyze everything. The job search is a job search. I search, I appy, I get an interview or not, I get the job or not.

I notice in response to the powerlessness in seeking a job I am playing a lot of video games. Although, Warcraft III (wc3) and Diablo II: Resurrected (d2r) seem to be getting stale. I have no income so I save money by playing old games that I like. I still find a bit of a good feeling. It lowers stress for me. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pressing on me. When I am gaming it doesn't feel that way. I am commanding fantasy armies or fighting the monsters of hell. It's to get me through the night.

If anyone wants to join in on the fun let me know. In wc3 I can just jump into ladder and that is fine. I don't even play wc3 that much. D2R is the one I'd like some allies.

I am thinking about playing Path of Exiles. Never played that game and I think it's free to play. T told me I should get a job before starting that game. Any other cheap or free games let me know.

I don't even want to get started on politics. I feel powerless there too.

I just want to keep my head down, work a job, lift for the stress, play video games for the stress, keep improving on this car exposure therapy, try to open up more aspects to Life.

So, ways to improve my life right now?

- Get a job so I can afford things
- Find video games that work

I can't even afford to be social. That's where the video games come in. Ultimate recipe is gaming all night so that I don't care about not having a life because I don't have any money for a social life anyways. Lifting brings me confidence. Holding onto a job that is decent brings confidence.

On d2r:

I feel like all of my characters are going to crap out at Act IV Normal. I am rich in items to get people going through Act III. The only item that I have plenty of staying power is "stealth" armor. Everything else is crap. I am building a blizzard sorc to hopefully help with that. I lost interest in a trapsin at about lvl 24. Maybe I should re-spec and that would help. I don't know sometimes I think d2r is the most boring game ever and then other times I'm all about it. I'm sure it would be more fun if I was playing with people.

Sadly, I've really let myself go with the guitar. It just fell off after I couldn't afford lessons anymore. I can still play a little bit but I miss it and I don't know how to get back into it besides just chipping away at old lessons.

French is coming along. It's coming along slower now that I made it to the Diamond League and feel like I have nothing to accomplish besides learning. There was a streak over the holidays when I was trapped in my brother's house and couldn't do anything so I was getting after it at DuoLingo. So, I made it to Diamond Leauge and it's ok. A lot of people play A LOT. I am busier now. It's tough to even put in 30 min. / day. 30 min. of DuoLingo, 30 min. of guitar, and 2 hours of writing a novel is tough to fit in when you include 40 min. in the gym and 40 min. taking the dog for a walk. Chores. Now, try and fit video games in there.

Pray for me. I need it.

T-Nation is so adament on post-workout nutrition because they sell post-workout nutrition.

Kublai Khan TX is so aggressive, so primal. I love it.

Lovely day to take the dog for a walk.

"Through troubled times, I hope you find your peace."

I am a coward who wants to be instructed.

Wow, walking the dog I felt more free than usual. Facing a starting offer of killed for bio-fuel or locked up in a virtual reality prison it's nice to enjoy some freedom today. Feeling the breeze and watching the birds felt more real. Emboldened by Kublai Khan TX, weight training and a beautiful day outside I feel like I want to do something but have the inclination of hedging my bets. I can't do anything without a job so that is still priority #1. I am wavering on the plan to anesthetize myself with video games. That's no different to a virtual reality prison.

me n rikd are bored as f with little to no income but life goes on my man. I have no idea what to do to break out of this cycle I am in. I see myself doing this for the rest of my life. wake up drink some liquid/coffee have some cookies or snack. talk to friends, meet them once in awhile. lunch, youtube Spotify tiktok IG, poker, dinner, smoke, sleep lol. my daily life. at least in the spring summer fall time I can do some activities but winter time I just hibernate lol. 500$ a month budget I am living on .

I found the reverse hyper machine today in the gym. I think it is a better exercise than back extensions and I can load it better. Hopefully, it cranks up the deadlift and my posterior chain in general.

I want to tune my guitar to Drop G# but I'm scared.

Looks like I need a 7 string guitar or heavier strings to accomplish a Drop G#. I'm fucking with Drop D but it's just not as heavy as a 7 string Drop G#.

the'being and the nothingness

What do we do with it all?

This might be one of my last blog posts here. We will see.

What am I into today?

Lorn



The tuned down cello on this song is sick (at least that is my guess what the stringed instrument is).

I keep making attempts at my own music as well. It's a fun hobby.

I just recently got into The Culture Series by Iain M Banks. I just finished The Player of Games. It was pretty good.

Diablo II: Resurrected is getting a bit stale. I am thinking about playing Grim Dawn or Path of Exiles 2.

Hope everyone is as well as they can be. Until next time.

I wasn't sure how it was going to be getting back to work. I have only been doing training videos but it's action, action, action. I feel emptier when I have nothing to do. When I am in a state of idleness it doesn't bother me as much but there is no longer a state of idleness possible. I work to work when I am at work and I rest FOR work when I am not at work (Byung-Chul Han). I drive faster. I am more rushed. It is less of a symphony andante and more of a grind of action, action, action. I need gainful employment to survive. I realize this. I am just observing. I am putting my head down and doing my best to accomplish the job. This is what is needed now.

I can always turn the Kublai Khan way up and do some deadlifts and reverse hypers. That only works for so long. It's nice to blow off some steam though. I think it carries me through the night. I wish I had access to a sauna and a cold plunge. I might start working in some cycling to improve my VO2 max. I'll have to look into that more.

I have been breaking through inertia. That is what is important. I feel better about myself. New ground. 40 is the new 35.

I'm reading about the Norwegian 4x4 method for vo2max. Surely, Drone, you must know about this for cross country skiing?

4x4 method is pretty straightforward.

Warmup for 5-10 min.

( 4 min of 90-95% effort (max effort), 3 min 70% effort (recovery) ) x 4 sets

I'll probably do it on a rowing machine or stationary bike.

Increasing vo2 max is one of the best things a human can do for improved fitness and longevity.

I can't lie, I came here for a bit of dopamine hunting. Which is a really bad plan. I am just hoping the deprivation of interesting things on here lead to a spike that is somewhat substantial and not transient. Although, spike is a strong word. I am not looking for dopamine spikes, especially not dopamine spikes that leave me worse off than I started. I think my baseline dopamine levels might be lower than the average person. That's just speculation though. I know I was totally lacking in motivation today when I got home from work. I quelled up enough motivation to wash the dishes and do laundry and DuoLingo but mostly I've felt flat. It's why I want to keep a strong baseline and never get too high anymore. I remember back when I used to play poker I needed caffeine, chocolate, marijuana, tobacco, stimulating music just to get through a session which made it impossible to be consistant over a month's time. Not to mention the dopamine pump of striving for a big win and the reward of a big win. All of that probably wiped the dopamine clean for 2-3 days and it's why I constantly felt like shit when I was a professional poker player. Downsings or wiping the dopamine clean probably once a week it totallly explains my life. My off time was spent doing more drugs and drinking and partying in stimulating atmospheres. I'm glad I've been studying dopamine. It feels like it's life changing learning some of this stuff. If I can stay at about a 30 as a baseline and control it so I don't go over 100 and don't go below 30 versus going to 1,000 and going to -100. Even if 1,000 feels like a spiritual experience it's typically not and just not worth it. Of course, I have a mental illness that wants me at 1,000 and inevitably wants me at -100 there are actions I can take to mitigate that.

So, I think I just needed some space to go off on dopamine. It's interesting too that it's wise to not stack dopamine and also use dopamine sparingly and intermittently. When I lift weights I play music loud, I drink an energy drink and I get after it in the gym. 1st of all, I am going to need all these things if I want a good lift but even so stacking of dopamine is just going to lead to depletion of dopamine and I am going to have some off days. What if I just can't find music I like? What if I don't have the energy drink? What if the gym is playing pussy ass music? Going too HAM the dopamine is going to get depleted. It's good that I limit myself to 1 energy drink. I used to get in the habit of drinking 3 energy drinks and playing the music even louder and going manic. That's impossible to compete with feeling wise but the crash is going to be inevitable and painful.

I think I do have to re-think my approach a bit with training. I like the idea on working on the vo2 max. It's maybe the most important aspect of training (for longevity and fitness). I still have found tremendous benefits in increasing strength and mobility. I have to figure out a way to mix the 2. I don't want to be a fat powerlifter or bodybuilder but I don't want to be a skinny fat cardio bunny either.

I'm kicking myself because Grim Dawn was $6 on Steam literally 2 days ago and I went to pick it up yesterday and it is back to $25. I'm still on the fence if I want to get it. Diablo II: Resurrected doesn't hit like it used to. I'm not getting the dopamine spikes I want even when Nightmare Countess was dropping some crazy runes for me today. I'm super poor. I don't feel like leveling up any other characters and I don't care about this Sorc until I can Magic Find in Hell and the end result for me is MF in Hell is nothing more than a dopamine addiction total waste of life.

White tea (l-theanine) and expensive cologne is comforting. We are all going to die. Sometimes we need to break through inertia and other times we need comfort. If the nukes go off I am a goner. There are strategic military bases nearby. There is an asteroid that has say a 1 in 40 chance to hit the Earth. Climate change is accelerating. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do with all of this. My best play is to keep my head down and make money at my job for say 6 months and re-evaluate. I still need to be active in improving social connection and training. That's really what I live my life for.

I wish I could put a limiter on dopamine like I can put a limiter on the closed hi hat. Would probably be more happy long term.

Maybe I shouldn't wish for anything like that. I remember when I was in rehab they put me on this drug that limited dopamine, serotonin, and/or epinephrine. I would go on these super intense runs through a park that was ninja warrior'esque. The runner's high was phenomenal. I would go there miserable and leave feeling great. Well, on this drug I tried and I tried but nothing happened. It was like at the end when the alcohol didn't work. Fucking nightmare. I am not going to lie. I am still addicted to dopamine but at least I know what I'm dealing with today. I just found myself eating half of a chocolate bar bc it felt good.

How the f do i program Norwegian 4x4, Zone 2 Training, and strength training?

Doomscrolling is ruining my brain. Posting here is ruining my brain. At least I got my Zone 2 in today. I feel a bit better but I am running out of things to do. Video games are messing with my dopamine. Burial is meant for the headphones on a grey day.

Am I going to be one of these guys to monitor my vitals at all times during the day?

I did some research. A lot of these gadgets are not very accurate or at least less accurate than a breathing through nostril test or a singing test or a conversation test. So, I am hopping on the Norwegian 4x4 interval training and Zone 2 training hype train. I don't have to have heart rate monitors and 4 smart watches. Maybe I'll get there one day... My last A1C1 was good but I could use losing some more pounds. The strength training experiment went incredibly well. Body recomped like a mother fucker. My cardio health and overall weight loss I think is more important than strength and hypertrophy. I could be wrong on this though. I have felt much more confident due to strength training, more mobile, more virile, less stress, better strength, better balance, ... I think it is wise to do at least 2 full body workouts if I can find the time. My gains have been slowing down a lot with the shit bro split I've been doing. I think I have been doing it for 4 months with out much variation. I don't know. I'm really conflicted on how to set up my program and I am not sure if I want to pay a personal trainer for help.

Did I find the blueprint!?

peter-attia-workout-routine

Did three hours of Zone 2 training today and I feeling fucking pheneomenal. All I need now is a hot sauna and a cold plunge. Tadej Pogacar does about 5 hours of Zone 2 training per day so that is probably about the upper bound of what anyone would ever want to be at. I think I'll aim for 4 1 hr sessions per week and 1 Norwegian 4x4 interval training for now but I love to train so if I have the time it could potentially be more.

This guy is great:

I think it's easier to just be strictly an endurance athlete or strictly a hypertrophy/strength athlete. Zone 2 can be considered movement / activity / steps and not a big deal but I'm still going to sweat. It's not going to be an adequate warmup for weights. It just feels a little awkward to figure out where I want to fit it in with resistance training. Zone 2 feels the best first thing in the morning with a small breakfast and some caffeine. Then, I can go straight to my resistance training. I haven't tried Zone 2 after a resistance training session but I've heard it is not wise to do it right after. The resistance training is a fast twitch muscle fiber training and technically a form of interval training. It's better to make Zone 2 strictly in zone 2. Slow twitch muscle fiber and fat burning zone. Anyways, it feels like I'm spending too much time thinking about this stuff. Either I figure it out and do it or I don't. I figured some things out with my resistance training with variability and form I think I can get good gains out of resistance training for another 6 months or so. Mostly meaning I can get good gains with body recomp for another 6 months then I need to figure it out from there. I think it would be a shame to focus only on endurance training and there is no guaruntee I would lose a lot of weight. I mean I am pretty sure I could do it with diet at this point but the bottomline is I don't want to give up on resistance training.

I'm 6'2'' 209 lbs. at the moment so I am still in that kind of noobie stage where I'm not exactly jacked and I'm not exactly lean. As far as leanness goes I don't really care if I'm shredded. The times in my life I've had a visible 6 pack both times I was 170 lbs. 1 time I was not eating much and doing endurance training (2012). The other time I was doing loads of BJJ and hiking and on a keto diet (2015). I don't need visible abs. I would be happy with my body fat % at anywhere from 10-20%. Whatever number my testosterone levels are good and I feel good.

I'm really going HAM on all this health and dopamine stuff because that's all I have in my life right now. The nature of the outside world is almost more than I can take at the moment so I need to obsess and control what I can.

Backless tops in the gym seems to be a trend these days. I'm certainly not against it.

Sometimes I am in that phase of the gym where the weights are going up and I am feeling good. I've learned a lot recently from Dr. Mike Izraetel. I got into a zone where my eccentric was not as controlled or stretched as it should be. Just completely in the zone of increasing reps and weights but if the pump and post-workout soreness is any thing to go by having that fully controlled, deep stretch on the eccentric is feeling really good and it kind of revolutionized my training. I don't lift as much weight but the pump is incredible and scientifically it should be leading towards more hypertrophy.

Dr. Mike Izraetel and Jeff Nibbard are two to look up to improve resistance training optimization.

LeanBeefPatty for a potential new YouTube crush?

I did this workout today:



*Note: The woman in the video has crazy delts. Holy shit.

I'd have to say I've never had as crazy as a deltoid pump than I had today. I don't know how much pump should be an indicator of training session effectiveness but the pump was stupid good. It was kind of amusant that there weren't many people in the gym because I purposely go at 2pm but everyone was doing lateral raises. You had these macho guys doing like 30 lb lateral raises or higher and I am sitting there with my 5 lb weights getting better tension on the muscle.

Man, as much as I love the deadlift, I have been deadlifting too much and too heavy. I would just go for max reps every damn week for 4 months with zero deloading or anything at all. I'm pretty sure if my deep squat goes up, my lunge variations go up, MY REVERSE HYPER GOES UP, my deadlift will go up and it isn't going to tax the hell out of myself all of the damn time.

It was funny today I was doing walking lunges and on my last set I went to failure and I almost fell over and then realized the hottest woman in the gym was watching me to see when she could cross the area where people do lunges and sled pulls / pushes, etc. I caught myself and then saw her. Oh, shit! I might fall! Oh, hey there... She was way too fucking young anyways but damn where do all these women come from? We crossed paths again when I went to get some water she was following me... Maybe she really likes Gojira? (t-shirt I was wearing)...

Anyways, nowadays, it just seems like I want to lift, eat, chill, sleep. I think I get extra stressed when I get stressed because I produce cortisol over the fact that I am producing cortisol. It's really hard to just lift, eat, chill, sleep. I think all the top bodybuilders are kings at this. They get a perfect lift in, get in perfect food intake, are just chilled as fuck even with ungodly amounts of anabolics coursing through their veins, and the sleep is on point. Don't worry, I'm not considering workout drugs.

I just got through a grueling leg day and I'm alreayd thinking about chest day on Sunday. Chest is probably my weakest body part so I have to get my act together. I think I have a good idea of what I want to do the next 3 weeks. Slow, controlled eccentric with a stretch and pause at the bottom, good cadence on the lift. I was never really getting a good chest pump until my last workout but my triceps were getting major pumped. I also think I was leaving too many reps in reserve (RIR). Not that I should be going to failure on every set but there is a happy medium.

I listened to Knocked Loose's new album front to back today in the gym. As far as gym music goes it gets an A from me. Not sure exactly how I feel about it musically or artistically but it definitely has that primal, heavy aspect to it that I love in the gym. I like when women yell in songs. Poppy's scream in Suffocate I was playing on repeat when I was grinding out the deep, slow walking lunges.

I am kind of running out of music for my training sessions. For shoulders it's all grueling, grinding volume I just played like Massive Attack and whatever else the Spotify DJ was playing. Chest it's kind of fun to get violent, back it is even more fun to get violent, and legs I have to get violent for sure.

When you depart this place, what do you hope to leave? Who's going to carry your body? Your legacy? Your dynasty?

I know I've mentioned this before but I can't get enough of all these backless tops, dresses, etc. I remember one of my crushes Rachel wore a backless red dress to my sister's wedding that was stunning. The red dress is alright on its own but you put Rachel in that thing and it's a winning combination. She is happily married now herself with a child so that ship has sailed. No women would want me in my current situation anyways and that shit hurts man. No amount of training can fix my position but I'd be in real trouble if I didn't have training.

I wish I had a novel in me, I really do. Maybe it takes another 10 years and something gets formed. Writing away has got to be better than scrolling Reddit or basically any online activity. Making music and writing have to be peak activities and I can do both offline.

I'd say my last 4 days have been on point. I was an absolute animal in the gym. My macros have been pretty spot on. It will be tough to recreate this last 4 days or maybe I can do even better! Finally, taking a day off tomorrow.

I really respect all these women in the gym. A lot of them are probably in there for the same reasons I am. Some of them might be in more pain than me. I see a trend of people in the gym will come in all hoodied up and they don't take their sweats or hoody off until they know they have a good pump. That always screamed insecure to me. Then, some of the time you see them working out like they've got some serious demons. I'm not hating on that either. God knows I have my demons. I don't want a woman so insecure and broken but I can be insecure and broken myself. Sometimes I feel great about my body. Other times not so much. That is a pretty normal thing I think. I wear a lot of cutoff shirts in the gym. I suppose to show off my tattoos and arms. I'm fine with my arms pumped or un-pumped.

Naturally, one would think the gym would be the perfect place to meet someone. I don't really think so. I don't want to shit where I eat and I'm pretty sure most women do not want to be bothered. Unfortunately, like I said I'm not in a good place to date.

It does bring me confidence to have close to perfect workouts and close to perfect eating. It brings some order to my life that can feel so chaotic or empty. It's a purpose. It's a reason to get up in the morning.

But, do I just want to be a lean, jacked guy who spends way too much time online? I don't have to be out in da club to feel good but I would like to spend some time on the patio with people. I hesitated to write fascinating. I would rather spend time with fascinating people but I don't know if that is a reasonable expectation. One of my good friends from high school and college started calling me "The Most Interesting Man In the World" when I was playing poker and travelling the world. It's a stark contrast to my days today. That's ok though. That's what I want though. At least a day or two in the coffee shop or the patio just spending time with people.

I think I was pushed by the cosmos to start a new novel. It's an audacious thing to do. I think I always need to have some creative aspect to my life. Fuck video games, fuck being online..... Yet... Here I am.