the'being and the nothingness

The problem is no matter what I do with this time on LP it is atomized time as Byung-Chul Han would say. There is no duration, no vastness. Whatever I try to accomplish on here is not going to add up like an evening on the patio with friends would accomplish. Patios are not open and I don't have friends so that is a problem. I probably would qualify for disability. I don't know it's just that life on disability payments, Medicaid, and food stamps is fucking rough. If I can do better I should especially since Trump is going to fuck with those people as much as he can.

I can string together as many posts as I can muster. It's not going to add up. I badly need the gym and a new book.

"What ails you, mistress? The blowing of the breeze, the passing of a cloud, everything disquiets you just now!"

"I do not know," she said.

"You are wearied with too long prayers!"

"Oh! Tanaach, I would fain be dissolved in them like a flower in wine!"

"Perhaps it is the smoke of your perfumes?"

"No!" said Salammbo; "the spirit of the gods dwells in fragrant odours."

Page 49, Salammbo by Flaubert

I've been playing some Diablo II: Resurrected (d2r) and Warcraft III: Reforged (wc3). I quit World of Warcraft: Classic. My brother abandoned me and I never really liked that game much anyway. I always loved d2r. It's been really fun running through that game again. Reforged is fucking horrendous. They should have never touched the animations. I would say it's unplayable but I was playing it, begrudgingly. I have to do something into the night.

This blasted wc3! With the new animations I have to sit and stare for what seems like an eternity trying to figure out what the hell all this shit is. If RTSs aren't stimulating and addicting though. I curse this damn game yet I'm still laddering on a dead community. It's similar to me even venting about wc3 on this more or less dead community. I'm playing dead games and venting about it on dead websites...

Mmmmm, that feels good. Having a close game, playing well, and winning. What tops that?

Was listenin' to the new Kublai Khan TX album "Exhibition of Prowess" in the gym today.



All of the weight felt really light like I should have been doing more weight.

In order to come back down to the planet Earth I went with this in the car:

Music - Check.

Fragrant parfums - Check.

I was just laying down in my bed thinking. Sometimes I don't want to analyze everything. The job search is a job search. I search, I appy, I get an interview or not, I get the job or not.

I notice in response to the powerlessness in seeking a job I am playing a lot of video games. Although, Warcraft III (wc3) and Diablo II: Resurrected (d2r) seem to be getting stale. I have no income so I save money by playing old games that I like. I still find a bit of a good feeling. It lowers stress for me. Sometimes it feels like the entire world is pressing on me. When I am gaming it doesn't feel that way. I am commanding fantasy armies or fighting the monsters of hell. It's to get me through the night.

If anyone wants to join in on the fun let me know. In wc3 I can just jump into ladder and that is fine. I don't even play wc3 that much. D2R is the one I'd like some allies.

I am thinking about playing Path of Exiles. Never played that game and I think it's free to play. T told me I should get a job before starting that game. Any other cheap or free games let me know.

I don't even want to get started on politics. I feel powerless there too.

I just want to keep my head down, work a job, lift for the stress, play video games for the stress, keep improving on this car exposure therapy, try to open up more aspects to Life.

So, ways to improve my life right now?

- Get a job so I can afford things
- Find video games that work

I can't even afford to be social. That's where the video games come in. Ultimate recipe is gaming all night so that I don't care about not having a life because I don't have any money for a social life anyways. Lifting brings me confidence. Holding onto a job that is decent brings confidence.

On d2r:

I feel like all of my characters are going to crap out at Act IV Normal. I am rich in items to get people going through Act III. The only item that I have plenty of staying power is "stealth" armor. Everything else is crap. I am building a blizzard sorc to hopefully help with that. I lost interest in a trapsin at about lvl 24. Maybe I should re-spec and that would help. I don't know sometimes I think d2r is the most boring game ever and then other times I'm all about it. I'm sure it would be more fun if I was playing with people.

Sadly, I've really let myself go with the guitar. It just fell off after I couldn't afford lessons anymore. I can still play a little bit but I miss it and I don't know how to get back into it besides just chipping away at old lessons.

French is coming along. It's coming along slower now that I made it to the Diamond League and feel like I have nothing to accomplish besides learning. There was a streak over the holidays when I was trapped in my brother's house and couldn't do anything so I was getting after it at DuoLingo. So, I made it to Diamond Leauge and it's ok. A lot of people play A LOT. I am busier now. It's tough to even put in 30 min. / day. 30 min. of DuoLingo, 30 min. of guitar, and 2 hours of writing a novel is tough to fit in when you include 40 min. in the gym and 40 min. taking the dog for a walk. Chores. Now, try and fit video games in there.

Pray for me. I need it.

T-Nation is so adament on post-workout nutrition because they sell post-workout nutrition.

Kublai Khan TX is so aggressive, so primal. I love it.

Lovely day to take the dog for a walk.

"Through troubled times, I hope you find your peace."

I am a coward who wants to be instructed.

Wow, walking the dog I felt more free than usual. Facing a starting offer of killed for bio-fuel or locked up in a virtual reality prison it's nice to enjoy some freedom today. Feeling the breeze and watching the birds felt more real. Emboldened by Kublai Khan TX, weight training and a beautiful day outside I feel like I want to do something but have the inclination of hedging my bets. I can't do anything without a job so that is still priority #1. I am wavering on the plan to anesthetize myself with video games. That's no different to a virtual reality prison.

me n rikd are bored as f with little to no income but life goes on my man. I have no idea what to do to break out of this cycle I am in. I see myself doing this for the rest of my life. wake up drink some liquid/coffee have some cookies or snack. talk to friends, meet them once in awhile. lunch, youtube Spotify tiktok IG, poker, dinner, smoke, sleep lol. my daily life. at least in the spring summer fall time I can do some activities but winter time I just hibernate lol. 500$ a month budget I am living on .

I found the reverse hyper machine today in the gym. I think it is a better exercise than back extensions and I can load it better. Hopefully, it cranks up the deadlift and my posterior chain in general.

I want to tune my guitar to Drop G# but I'm scared.

Looks like I need a 7 string guitar or heavier strings to accomplish a Drop G#. I'm fucking with Drop D but it's just not as heavy as a 7 string Drop G#.

the'being and the nothingness

What do we do with it all?

This might be one of my last blog posts here. We will see.

What am I into today?

Lorn



The tuned down cello on this song is sick (at least that is my guess what the stringed instrument is).

I keep making attempts at my own music as well. It's a fun hobby.

I just recently got into The Culture Series by Iain M Banks. I just finished The Player of Games. It was pretty good.

Diablo II: Resurrected is getting a bit stale. I am thinking about playing Grim Dawn or Path of Exiles 2.

Hope everyone is as well as they can be. Until next time.

I wasn't sure how it was going to be getting back to work. I have only been doing training videos but it's action, action, action. I feel emptier when I have nothing to do. When I am in a state of idleness it doesn't bother me as much but there is no longer a state of idleness possible. I work to work when I am at work and I rest FOR work when I am not at work (Byung-Chul Han). I drive faster. I am more rushed. It is less of a symphony andante and more of a grind of action, action, action. I need gainful employment to survive. I realize this. I am just observing. I am putting my head down and doing my best to accomplish the job. This is what is needed now.

I can always turn the Kublai Khan way up and do some deadlifts and reverse hypers. That only works for so long. It's nice to blow off some steam though. I think it carries me through the night. I wish I had access to a sauna and a cold plunge. I might start working in some cycling to improve my VO2 max. I'll have to look into that more.

I have been breaking through inertia. That is what is important. I feel better about myself. New ground. 40 is the new 35.