"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Samuel Johnson
A beast with f body dysmorophia. I've been watching IFBB pros train on YouTube. They all have body dysmorphia. They all wear "pump covers" to hide their muscles until they feel they are pumped up enough.
How much is enough? I don't feel the need to get that jacked or that lean. I would like to make gains in the gym, however.
Time is winding down. Time is passing by. What will you do with your time and attention?
I will continue to grind in the gym. I am thinking about 51... 65... 76.
I wish I didn't have to be so clean and sober all the time but between my alcoholism and bipolar it's really fucking stupid to drink or do drugs. I get better gains in the gym though and I am definitely more clear headed. Not clearheaded enough to not post a bunch of bullshit on a website with barely any traffic but it's better than being bombed and that whole cycle. I didn't even post any marijuana pictures or breasts.
Just got done with a back workout. I'm going to have to switch up the lat pulldowns. My grip is the limiting factor when I use a neutral grip with out straps. I'll probably just switch it do an overhand grip on a straight bar with my hands about shoulder width apart. My back feels great actually. I had some lower back pain still left over from my leg workout but it's gone now. It's probably due to full range of motion, deep stretch, even a pause on the deep stretch and pulse it powerfully on the concentric. I did flexion rows for the first time too. They felt great but the machine runs out of range of motion for me so I have to figure that one out. Not too terribly bad but I could probably get an extra bit of stretch if I wore platform boots. I'm actually training my biceps now with direct work so we'll see how that goes.
I don't even have Netflix. My dates are rice and beans and then there is nothing else to do so we fuck. Maybe we play a board game or strip poker first.
Single moms but I don't want to deal with the kids so that's out. Cougars but they probably like guys younger than me so that is out. Fat girls. Fat girls is all that is left for me. I was down for that when I myself was obese and 260 lbs. but now I'm taking care of my health I don't want to splash out for some McDonalds.
I'm toying with doing a shot of evoo first thing in the morning and before bed at night. Just trying to slowly but surely get healthier and this seems like a small thing I can do every day.
If I get all my fat from evoo and dark chocolate that is a huge win.
Carbs are easy for me. Protein is not easy. Not enough protein could be holding me back. If I'm on my best behavior I get in 4 meals of 40g of protein which is 160g of protein in a day. .8 x 210 lbs. = 168g of protein per .8 lb of bodyweight. No bueno.
Ok. I'm back sliding.
Pussy, Money, Weed by Tommy Cash
Pussy, Money, Weed... A recipe not the recipe. I don't even know what the recipe is at this point. Do a shot of evoo, eat a great breakfast, hit the weights hard, eat some more food, chillin' in the crib, make sleep a priority, make health a priority. I'm still broke. I'm still lonely.
I don't have any money for weed or women. Just have to keep grindin' a day at a time. It sucks but that's what it is. Might be the whole rest of my life but have to make it work or kill myself. Like I've said, like Nietzsche said, killing myself is a comforting thought in the dark nights. I don't think it has to come to that yet but really making all these posts on liquidpoker is kind of depressing. This is what I choose to do with my time and attention here on Earth? It's major copium. Where does the hope come from? Gym THOTs? No, not really. The gym was full of them today and I didn't give a shit. It's not sustainable. What is sustainable? I don't know it's out there somewhere. You never know where inspiration will come from next.
I just need to get this out of my system. I know weed is not a good higher power. Especially not mixing it with my medications or my bipolar. Sad but true.
Pussy is not a good higher power either. Maybe one day my income vs expenses will be such that I can go on dates. I still have problems driving though. It all just seems insurmountable. Tomorrow is another day. I have to figure out what realistic expectations are for my life. Unrealistic expectations lead to resentments which lead to dark places. I'm hangin' in there LP despite all of it.
I'm kind of crossing my fingers that it doesn't spike my dopamine but I've been pretty bored lately. I'm reading a book I don't particularly like (Excession by Iain Banks). I'm posting too many random blogs / posts on here. I scrolled Reddit for a little while today which I was pretty good about never going there. The only good things in my life are sleep, exercise, and diet. Luckily, those are 3 important facets of life and things I should be prioritizing over just about anything.
Shoulder workouts are short but brutal. Crazy pump. It's gone now. Story of life. I think I'll keep this workout in the rotation for at least one more time. As a noobie I don't think it's wise to vary the workouts too much. Like constantly changing stuff is a noob move but it doesn't work for noobs. Just gotta stay on progressive overload and get after it. Win small battles over weeks is where the gains come from.
They say nothing is quite like a good leg day. They could be right.
I stopped doing reverse hypers because I read some where they are not actually good for you. They feel great. Fooled me I guess. I don't know who is right but there are so many other exercises I can do that it's not worth it imo. I am lifting for 51, 65, 77.
Just chillin' in the crib and feel like reflecting on the lift tonight. Today was a busy day, the diet was not great. I still think I can hit my macros with a 5th meal. Lifting at night is never ideal for me either but you gotta get the lift in somewhere. The actual lift was good. Beat some PRs with great form. The pump was phenomenal which I don't always get with chest and triceps. That's what it's all about, baby. There were so many young women of reproductive age in there tonight it was silly. I was at a higher place with all of that tonight. Many could be my daughters. I should treat them as such. Like I would treat a niece. Probably because I was all dad'd out. I had my "pump cover" on in this case an oversized t-shirt, dad shorts, dad socks, shoes I just grabbed that I usually only use for walking on the beach or cutting the grass. I had some stint of anxiety that the shoes smelled bad but once I'm there it's a little late for that. No one ran away. In fact, for my last sets of overhead tricep extensions I was completely surrounded by attractive women. 2 on the horizontal row, 1 on the other horizontal row, 2 on the lat pulldown, and me. I actually didn't pay any attention to anything but my sets and it felt good. For all the talk I talk on here I am mostly filled with anxiety and I don't know what to do about it. After leaving no reps in reserve for 7 sets my fight or flight should have been pooped out but this absolutely gorgeous woman was doing hip abductors right next to the pec fly machine where I was doing my sets. We both finished a set and sat there pretty close to each other. There was no one else in that part of the gym. My anxiety went crazy I had to get up and get some water. Of course, that anxiety then fueled 2 more perfect sets of the pec fly machine but it just goes to show I am a huge pussy who would probably tremble to touch a woman these days.
Loco in another thread or in a lot of threads talks about community. It inspired me to look at the gym in a different way. These women aren't THOTs. They are my sisters, my daughters, my nieces, my friends. There are also a lot of male kids in there that annoy the hell out of me but perhaps I can guide them or at least lead by example. The gym can be a very individualistic endeavour. Everyone is in their headphones doing their own thing but there are gym guidelines which are fair and reasonable. We can abide by them and go above and beyond. If something like a gym community can thrive it brings hope that any community can thrive.
With all of that said, there was one woman in there who was exceptionally attractive. Face symmetry and hips to waist ratio were magical. A result of some sort of sorcery. She was almost taller than me; a true amazon. When I walked past her in the hall I was fine. Kept my gait, no anxiety.
Caffeine could be part of it. I didn't drink caffeine for a few days to break the cycle of tolerance (addiction). I drink Celsius which is 200mg a pop which isn't much if one is addicted to caffeine but resetting tolerance whoooo I'm flying.
It's frustrating to have a libido and not be able to use it. What is the use of erection health if one is broke and living with one's parents? It's going to be that way for a damn while too.
I don't want to be an undead slave. I am an undead slave!
I don't think this is something I can write myself out of. In fact, it only keeps me down. Perhaps I can think my way out of it to a point but it's pretty simple. Get over a fear of death and live more intensely. Easier said than done.
What happend to painting for hours, going to Waffle House, and watching the sunrise on the beach?
Even that loses its luster after a while and I was manic which I should not romanticize.
How do I overcome my fear of death and become a master?
How do I get a willingness to fight to the death? To fight to my last breath?
I cower in coziness. I cower in coziness.
How many times can I sit in this chair and listen to Radiohead in this confined space?
I get a hint of life out in the open spaces. Seeing the azalias bloom. The sky seemingly boundless.
Phew, got through another one. Really good back workout. I'm surprised I had anything left after yesterdays heroic session. Back is so pumped you could see it through the pump covers....
I sit here in this comfy chair, in my most comfortable sweatshirt, and I'm oh so comfy yet I am full of fear. I'm not exactly a shaking animal at the moment but underlying it's fear. I cower in the coziness but cozy and anxiety don't go together. I'm bombarded by information. I'm sick of information. Most of this blog post is useless information. I'm sorry for that. I'm reallly only here to avoid information. I'm looking for knowledge. Knowledge takes time and attention. Knowledge typically comes in the form of books and experience. I guess I'll read a book...
This idea of imagination and consumption is interesting. We imagine our lives will be someway and then consume and then ... If I could just get my hands on that magical Issey Miyake then women will be seduced and sleep with me.
It is similar to the idea that doing twice as many things is a more fullfilling life than not doing twice as many things. Moving from one thing to the next in a restless neediness. Sometimes I find myself in this zone. Right now, I'm chillin' in the club listening to some Tove Lo.
The allure of doing drugs and getting acquainted with the right kind of women. The strip club. The allure of picking up a stripper. I picked up some strippers with some cash. The thing about strip clubs is you can go in there feeling truly and ultimately lonely and then go numb and leave more lonely than when you started. The question is who is more numb? Me or the sex worker? I'm not talking about going to the strip club with some friends and fucking around. I'm talking being so lonely you can hardly bear it. In a moment the thought sparks that there is a sex worker out there that can solve my problem(s). This is pop music to me.
Waters of Nazareth by Justice reminds me of this crazy Frenchmen Jonthan. He did a lot of coke. He once got lost in the Andes mountains and almost died. He came back, asked to crash at my place for a few days before he went back to Paris and I said ok. He ate all my le pain, left for Paris, and I never saw him again.
I'm absolutely mental just sitting here typing stuff instead of reading a book. I recently added a bunch of books to my library. I have plenty of books to read. It's just I am stuck here listening to good music stacking dopamine baby. I mean of course I want dopamine baby but what I really want is soul. I can read Byung-Chul Han, I can read Simone Weil, I can read whoever but I am stuck to this damn chair right now.
"Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy."
- Beethoven
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PuertoRican United States. Mar 20 2025 06:40. Posts 13173
On March 13 2025 21:27 RiKD wrote:
Single moms but I don't want to deal with the kids so that's out. Cougars but they probably like guys younger than me so that is out. Fat girls. Fat girls is all that is left for me. I was down for that when I myself was obese and 260 lbs. but now I'm taking care of my health I don't want to splash out for some McDonalds.
Single moms and cougars are nice. It just depends on what stage of their life they're in.
Some of them want something serious, some are just ready to have fun.
I am not that person anymore. That person that comes home stressed from work and casually drinks a bottle of Veue Clicquot with a salad from Panera Bread. Flirting with the likely high school girl at the window. I am a regular at Panera Bread and Costco. I always keep a bottle of Veuve in the fridge cuz ya never know ya know? The Veuve made me do it. The Veuve is an inspiration. That's when I met Lovely. Tall, long dirty blonde hair, the eyes of a sorceress, there is a hint of a back tattoo underneath the shawl of hair, a snow white tiger! I never got her nipples hard. I certainly tried. (h)Ennessey as anesthesia...
There is a quote I'm going to butcher it by Kafka. Something like I write to get it out of my head. Some of these stories I try to get it out of my head but they keep coming back. I probably just need an AA meeting or something.
On March 13 2025 21:27 RiKD wrote:
Single moms but I don't want to deal with the kids so that's out. Cougars but they probably like guys younger than me so that is out. Fat girls. Fat girls is all that is left for me. I was down for that when I myself was obese and 260 lbs. but now I'm taking care of my health I don't want to splash out for some McDonalds.
Single moms and cougars are nice. It just depends on what stage of their life they're in.
Some of them want something serious, some are just ready to have fun.
This is nothing more than a brag that you dated at least 2 single moms and 2 cougars.
I'm out of ideas. The void is upon me. I can't sleep it off.
I figure I'll come on here and reflect.
The void. Imagination fills the void. That and consumption. I consume Spotify. Radiohead plays. I am comforted with an underlying 1,000 forms of fear. I did my best to live life intensely today. I wore a t-shirt with a woman bearing her breasts with death in the background waiting. Death is waiting. I'm young enough that it's likely I won't drop dead from anything soon. Perhaps if someone decides to nuke one of the military bases near me. The increasing number and severity of hurricanes hitting is worrisome. That probably won't kill me though. The likeliest would be suicide. Mental health and poverty are no joke.
Imagination and consumption. I imagine buying Rick Owen's Geobaskets.
Lana Del Rey sings about "high tops in the summer," and I think about this. Why can't my imagination help me finish a damn novel? I did actually finish one. Only 18,000 words though. I am glad I finished some piece of writing over the gap I've taken.
I'm reading this Gravity and Grace by Simone Weil. We are just not on the same wavelengths. Sometimes the wavelengths meet and it's pretty cool but for the most part she is on about a different relationship with God that I could ever hope to have. I'm also re-reading The Joyful Wisdom by Nietzsche and that is my speed. I'm really searching for something as groundbreaking as The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han all those years ago.
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PuertoRican United States. Mar 23 2025 06:22. Posts 13173
What are some of your favorite foods, RiKD?
Is it food that you get from restaurants in your state, or is it food from abroad?
I'm chillin' in the crib listenin' to old Wu Tang still high from a training session. The pump is gone but the caffeine and endorphins are still runnin' strong.
It's a battle in the gym man. I am fighting hard to just get like 2 more reps in.
As far as getting into open space and thinking, Nietzsche is the king. Walking around lakes and mountains and shit. Nietzsche is also the king of incels. The king of open space and incels. If a fat, neck beard, with bad skin comes up to you and wants to discuss Nietzsche just say no. It's great to read though.
I am kind of evolving from my black phase. Winter and Rick Owens obsessed black was good for a season. It's a good go to. I tried going to a goth party but didn't really vibe. I went to this beat poetry reading where everyone was wearing black and had Being and Time under their arm (RIP Roderick) but the poetry was shit and no one actually understood Heidegger. I have reverence for black but it's about time to put that uniform away. I'm trying to be authentic man.... You ever stare a skull in the face. Try to beat a skull in a staring contest. Try to beat Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill in a staring contest. Go to a graveyard. I realize my clothes are good enough. Do I have clothes? Yes, I have clothes. Ok. Check. Let's move along.
I have the capabilities of being fat, neck-bearded, with bad skin but I lost weight, I trim my beard, and I wash my face. I have the capabilities of going back too. That would take excessive depression. A gnarly prison indeed.
I had a back workout today. It was pretty tough. There is quite a bit of volume there and being me I want to get after it with intensity. It takes it out of me. I'm glad I have a day off tomorrow. I miss the days where I could just go up 10-20 lbs. and smash it. It's really about grinding the reps where I can get them now.
I wanted to see when I "discovered" Byung-Chul Han. It turns out I "discovered" Byung-Chul Han in May of 2018. Loco helped me setup calibre (E-book manager) and shipped me the book The Burnout Society. That was before there was probably even one entry on him on YouTube. It was a dream to read Byung-Chul Han's entire library at the time and to anticipate his new books (essays) coming out.
People have been telling me on here for years that philosophy is a waste and that it's hurting me. That's a bunch of bullshit.
I was thinking my base is Sartre, Kant, Nietzsche. I still love Nietzsche. I love him even more. Sartre is interesting as a philosophical character but Heidegger was the better philosopher. I haven't read Kant since the Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morales in like 2011 when I got really into Michael Sandel's Justice course at Harvard. That's so crazy though. I just jumped into Being and Nothingness like it was nothing. I had the hunger. The other night I was reading Wittgenstein and was like fuck this. I was going to read Bruno Patino, Éric Sadin and Gilles Lipovetsky but they don't have any books in English. Then, I was going to read Katerina Deligiorgi, Jason Stanley, and Quill R. Kukla but I balked. I'm good with re-reading The Joyful Science and I'll find something to read after that.
It's just crazy to me that people on this site think reading is a bad thing.
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United States. Mar 13 2025 02:12. Posts 9199
