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Day[9] United States. Jul 18 2008 20:28. Posts 3447 | | |
So there was a thread on teamliquid entitled "have you ever been caught masturbating."
i spent a while writing a story, so i figured i'd post it here since some might enjoy:
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WTF i get caught jacking off all the time
i'm not unlucky, its just standard probability. i beat off alot. seriously, i beat off like if i keep doing it, i'm gonna win something. its only natural people will stumble in eventually
FOR EXAMPLE
so i'm on this direct flight from claremont (my college town) back to kansas city (my home town) for winter break. since its a direct 3 hour flight, its too short for them to have "in flight entertainment," but its so long that i'm gonna be bored out of my god damn mind. so, of course, i'm like "i guess i'm beating off like 5 times during this flight."
its one of those small sized slingshot airplanes that goes really fast but is really unstable and has one tiny ass cramped aisle. so i'm sitting in my anorexic bucket seat w/ my shitty peanuts waiting for the plane to hit a high enough altitude when i finally hear: *ding* "this is your captain speaking, we have reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, you are now free to move about the cabin." "bink success!" i think to myself, "the time is right." of course i don't rush to the bathroom, no need for that. why not give myself a little tease. i gently, slowly unbuckle my seatbelt. I stand up, and stretch a little bit. I take a nice slow, leisurely walk to the bathroom at the back of the plane. masturbation this good deserves foreplay of its own.
i get to the bathroom, close the door, and sliiiiiide my pants on down and start working myself. oh holy LORD it's amazing. i mean, i don't know if you know this or not, but i am REALLY good at masturbating. I'm in a 2 square foot, dimly lit bathroom, but i feel so good my back is arching and my foot is cramping and i'm nearly ready to start screaming my own name.
then suddenly, TURBULENCE. AGH SHIT. I HATE turbulence. It's not that it makes me feel sick or nauseated. turbulence makes me feel like i'm about to die. So i'm trying to jack off, and suddenly the jerk in the plane floods my body w/ adrenaline and i grab the handle in the bathroom and i'm like "OH SHIT."
do you know how hard it is to cum when you feel like you're about to die??? I mean seriously, imagine jacking off while there's a guy w/ a loaded gun to your head and he's screaming "C'MON CUM YOU PUSSY, DO IT CUM." You'd be shivering w/ eyes closed, tears streaming down your face as you sputter through little snot bubbles just BEGGING your dick to come. "please cum!!!" you'd weep "i wanna cum soooo bad!!!!!"
so there i am trying to think of every dirty thing possible so i can finally orgasm, but all that's going through my mind is "god i need to reconcile with my dad and tell my brother i love him" etc etc and while i'm distracted in a mess of standard pre-death thoughts, i don't realize that i'm about to cum.
HOLY FUCK i say as i fumble and try to grab some kleenex from the box on the counter. however, in my stuttered panic, i just knock the kleenex box over, hit the "stewardess help button," and i cum directly onto the floor. still in a state of panic i'm like FUCKFUCKFUCK I NEED TO TURN THIS BUTTON OFF so of course i (geniusly) press it like 5 more times trying to turn this off. Naturally, the button just goes *ding ding ding ding*, making my situation seem all the more urgent, and i can hear the stewardess rushing to the door since i appear to be in desperate need of help.
"FOCUS SEAN FOCUS," i think, "I NEED TO HIDE MY DICK." so, (this is genius) i pick up the kleenex box from the floor, pull out 5 pieces of tissue, and i just lay them on top of my erection... so it looks kinda like a little dick tent. so, the stewardess, responding to my urgent spams of the "stewardess help button" proceeds to open the bathroom door just like i knew she was going to. She looks on the ground to see my epic protein stain, looks up at my glorious dicktent, and then you know what happens?? we make eye contact.
so she's looking at me, and i'm looking at her and in general i dislike awkward silences. however, this was an all KINDS of awkward silence, so i figured it was necessary to say something. so, i did the best i could. i look her right in the eye and say "... it is what it is..."
???? why did i say that???? what a stupid thing to say... well... i guess it's hard in that situation to "play it off cool." i can't be like "hey i know smoking isn't allowed on the plane, so do you have a stick of gum??"
so she shuts the door, and i clean myself up and spend another 3 minutes trying to clean up the mass of cum on the floor. even though i did a pretty good job, its damn hard to get that shine out of the laminate flooring. i'm finally done, so i open up the bathroom door to see a line of 10 or so people that's been building up since i went into the bathroom like 20 minutes ago (again, it took my a while since its difficult to cum when you think you're about to die). I get to look across the line of all of em, and say the only sensible thing i can think of:
"for those of you going to use the bathroom, i'd make sure you're wearing shoes."
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iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:37. Posts 4951 | | | |
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| Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth | |
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iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:38. Posts 4951 | | |
I should start reading TL. I basically stopped visiting TL 2004 |
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| Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth | |
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Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:39. Posts 2347 | | |
LMAOOO, funniest shit i read in ages
really |
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Day[9] United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 3447 | | |
woo ty all
its an original story too!
i use it in my standup routines sometimes ^^; |
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chessjerk United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 72 | | |
Nothing beats a good masterbation story.
You win, sir. |
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[vital]Myth  United States. Jul 18 2008 20:40. Posts 12159 | | |
good story
also true in case you're wondering -.- |
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| Eh, I can go a few more orbits in life, before taxes blind me out - PoorUser | |
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Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:41. Posts 2347 | | |
it is what it is
LOL!
seriously |
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SfydjkLm Belarus. Jul 18 2008 20:41. Posts 3810 | | |
rofl. if it was anyone but day i wouldnt believe this xD |
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Stygg Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:42. Posts 2347 | | |
i was just gonna ask if this was a true story.. almost too funny to be true.. |
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Baalim Mexico. Jul 18 2008 20:43. Posts 34272 | | |
god why on earth didnt he just hold the door knowing the stewardess was coming? |
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| Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online | |
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iop Sweden. Jul 18 2008 20:43. Posts 4951 | | |
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<`DeadVessel> i wish i had a twin sister
are you kidding
nick doens't even fucking
go in a different room
<`DeadVessel> no because they know what im doing
<`DeadVessel> LOL
><
he just starts jacking off
if he feels lik eit
like i remember over the summer
<`DeadVessel> i gotta meet tasteless
brotherly love
we set our computers up
like 10 feet from eachother
so i'm playing a game
and i finish
take off my headphones
turn around
and nick is like totally naked
jacking off at his computer
and honestly
this is going in the quote thread
if i interrupt him, he won't even be mad
lol
i'll be like "uhh nick..."
<`DeadVessel> sean can i put that in the irc thread?
he'll turn around, dick in hand and genuinely ask "hey sean, how'd ur game go?"
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| Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealth | |
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TimDawg United States. Jul 18 2008 20:52. Posts 10197 | | |
ROFL, hilarious read
but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool |
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| online bob is actually a pretty smart person, not at all like the creepy fucker that sits in the sofa telling me he does nasty shit to me when im asleep - pinball | |
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Sean.G Norway. Jul 18 2008 21:00. Posts 238 | | |
| | On July 18 2008 19:52 TimDawg wrote:
ROFL, hilarious read
but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool |
There are some rumors that it feels better because of the higher altitude. In an airliner at cruise it will normally be equivalent to 8000 ft (which is what they pressurize it to). |
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| Poker is quiet war; it is tidy bloodlust; it is ripping the guts out of the guy next to you and tossing them back in his face with a pair of aces. | Last edit: 18/07/2008 22:45 |
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YoMeR United States. Jul 18 2008 21:05. Posts 12438 | | |
wow im speechless. Good fuckin read |
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mikyor United States. Jul 18 2008 21:17. Posts 590 | | |
awesome read, very entertaining |
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Wizard Afghanistan. Jul 18 2008 21:27. Posts 55 | | | |
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MayZerG United Kingdom. Jul 18 2008 21:30. Posts 2123 | | | |
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| I like to hold all the nuts - CrownRoyal | |
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p-halt United States. Jul 18 2008 21:42. Posts 345 | | | |
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Baalim Mexico. Jul 18 2008 21:55. Posts 34272 | | |
| | On July 18 2008 20:00 Sean.G wrote:
Show nested quote +
On July 18 2008 19:52 TimDawg wrote:
ROFL, hilarious read
but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool |
There are some rumors that it feels better because of the higher altitude. In an airliner at cruise it will normally be equivalent to 8000 ft (which is what they pressurize it too).
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i live at that altitude anyway lol... so ur saying my orgasms ar better than any of u? awesome... poor dutch ppl. |
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| Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online | |
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whamm! Albania. Jul 18 2008 22:00. Posts 11625 | | | |
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Sean.G Norway. Jul 18 2008 22:44. Posts 238 | | |
| | On July 18 2008 20:55 Baal wrote:
Show nested quote +
On July 18 2008 20:00 Sean.G wrote:
| | On July 18 2008 19:52 TimDawg wrote:
ROFL, hilarious read
but why the hell would you ever beat off in a plane? looloolool |
There are some rumors that it feels better because of the higher altitude. In an airliner at cruise it will normally be equivalent to 8000 ft (which is what they pressurize it to).
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i live at that altitude anyway lol... so ur saying my orgasms ar better than any of u? awesome... poor dutch ppl. |
Oh, 8000 ft? Where do you live?
And if you ever masturbate at sea level in the near future share your experience so you can confirm/bust the myth  |
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| Poker is quiet war; it is tidy bloodlust; it is ripping the guts out of the guy next to you and tossing them back in his face with a pair of aces. | Last edit: 18/07/2008 22:45 |
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bane United States. Jul 18 2008 23:00. Posts 2379 | | |
it is what it is, LOL good read |
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FrinkX United States. Jul 18 2008 23:09. Posts 7562 | | | |
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| bitch on a pension suck my dong | |
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mikeymoo Canada. Jul 18 2008 23:54. Posts 988 | | |
That's a great punch line. |
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UCSB_Georgi United States. Jul 19 2008 01:18. Posts 185 | | |
omg i literally couldnt stop laughing for like 2 minutes , awesome read |
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ggplz Sweden. Jul 19 2008 08:21. Posts 16784 | | | |
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| if poker is dangerous to them i would rank sports betting as a Kodiak grizzly bear who smells blood after you just threw a javelin into his cub - RaiNKhAN | |
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Ket United Kingdom. Jul 20 2008 16:24. Posts 8665 | | |
HAHAHAHAHA IT IS WHAT IT IS |
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Bejamin1 Canada. Jul 20 2008 17:11. Posts 7042 | | | |
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| Sorry dude he Jason Bourned me. -Johnny Drama | |
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TianYuan Korea (South). Jul 20 2008 19:01. Posts 6817 | | |
So that guy coming on some womans hair at an airplane was you huh? :D
Lol what a story 8D |
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Critterer United Kingdom. Jul 20 2008 19:16. Posts 5337 | | |
serious rofl
laughed out loud reading this! |
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| LudaHid: dam.ned dam.ned dam.ned. LudaHid: dam.ned northwooden as..hole | |
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Oddeye Canada. Jul 20 2008 20:43. Posts 5107 | | |
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, ALSO ROFL AT THAT CHAT LOG IOP!!! |
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DaTruf United States. Jul 20 2008 22:08. Posts 398 | | | |
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DarkFury Bulgaria. Jul 21 2008 05:14. Posts 56 | | |
| | On July 20 2008 21:08 DaTruf wrote:
pics or it didnt happen |
this is kinda gay ?! wtf |
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