I am sitting in an empty house. I am uncomfortable. The akathisia lingers.
I think what I really want to do is masturbate but that's not true. I want a woman. I am in a strange place though. I am also going with out "male gaze" porn. I am exploring Feminist porn. It's a bit of a shock to my system. Which means the porn I usually watch is desensitizing and gradually damaging. But, the feminist porn is too non-gender binary and queer for me. I think it's a good shock to the system. I may not masturbate to the stuff but it is interesting. Not overly so. It makes sense. We are all people that want to play with ourselves and play with others besides the people that do not want to do that.
I am back on Tinder and boy what a bad decision that was. It's like fucking crack. My akathisia is heightened at least three fold when I run out of likes. I just did it as an experiment to see how many likes an intersectional feminist, anti-capitalist, vegan would get. It's actually a lot. Of course, I am in a certain part of the country. The experiment is not worth it though. I need to abort but I know I won't yet. I matched with Ariel, a fucking gorgeous anti-capitalist who makes me want to move here.... Well, one of many reasons to move here. All of my matches have been intriguing. These are women I would actually want to go on dates with. Not the bougie Sorority types that seem to permeate my hometown. OVERSIMPLIFICATION, RATIONALIZATION, NOT TRUE! Oh well, curating some perfect Tinder account is degrading and being a zombie to the swipe right is even more degrading. Ugh, it's addiction 101. But, it makes me so happy that Ariel exists, that Erika exists, that Amy exists, et al. I need to get out more.
One thing that jumped out to me is that list is 10 things I could be giving my time to. 10 areas I could be meeting people. Perhaps figuring out how to get to a protest is the most important thing for me right now.
The veganism is going pretty smoothly or is it? I hit some food deserts on the way up here which was educating in itself but at one gas station I was tired and hungry and grabbed some honey, Sriracha Combos with out thinking. We commodify bees too. It feels so benign. There is no Earthlings including bees it seems although I am sure it exists on YouTube. But, so far so good. I have come to this location just about every year my entire life. I had to pass up Magical Black Raspberry from the Magical Ice Cream Shop but it actually wasn't a big deal at all. I didn't go out to dinner tonight because I just didn't want to deal with no vegan options. The town my sister lives in was great for that. Just about every restaurant had multiple vegan options if not up to 4-5 vegan options. While in a food desert at an Outback Steakhouse I had to get more creative. House salad without cheese and 2 sweet potatoes with out butter. There. Not so bad. Pretty easy actually. I stayed home tonight and had leftover veggie burger and Hippeas. These things are fucking perfect for a crunchy snack, apertif, or go well with a veggie burger or whatever. It is also tradition to eat a lot of lobster and clam chowder but fuck that. I'm good with a hummus+veggie wrap or a vegan burrito. There is also the issue of my mom buying blueberry muffins especially for me thinking because we are in Maine and that is tradition that I would just change my mind. The only thing really viable in the house is bananas and almond butter which isn't ideal but it will work. Even though the bananas are probably conventional and inhumane. Chiquita from Honduras.... ugh. Do I eat the English muffins with trace amounts of whey?
I want to explore intersectionality in my blog tonight. I currently cannot sleep. I never really understood intersectionality and I still might not but I figured maybe writing about it will show the leaks.
Intersectionality meaning everything is connected. For example, I like the idea of carnism being a root evil. It starts with domination and oppression of animals and it makes it easier to dominate and oppress people. The holocaust took strategies from factory faming and factory farming takes strategies from the holocaust and slavery.
It appears the problem either starts with capitalism or rich white males or racism or specieism or sexism. See, it's all inter-related. Feminists like to call it the patriarchy. I just like to call it rich white males. Capitalism sort of formed around rich white males. White males got rich through capitalism and it kind of spiraled into this twisted behemoth that we see today. It's kind of difficult to not be a bit of a twisted soul to make it in capitalism today. So, we have these twisted people running things in this twisted system and it causes a lot of problems. And, one of the problems is the forms of control and changing and getting more devious. The achievement-subject is a project of being an entrepreneur of the self. We are master and slave in one. I try to avoid this like the plague. I honestly try to avoid corporations like the plague too but it's a tough thing to do if you want to eat.
I remember this book had a tremendous impact on the way I viewed life about 8 years ago. It's a great book for budding achievement-subjects looking to burnout or even just live a life of tiredness and undeadness. That is the thing. I don't think as humans we are inherently doomed to a life of tiredness and undeadness. I definitely feel it these days but not as bad as I once did for a large multinational. But, I didn't feel the tiredness and undeadness when I took that month off of work. There was still boredom and restlessness and whatever but there wasn't the tiredness or the undeadness. I am sure those of you who work for a living know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean then tell me how you do it please.
But, this is why capitalism still exists. Because, we are well controlled. We are docile but not in the same way as in Michel Foucault's "Displine and Punish." It's like capitalism and the rich white men have set up this video game that we try and beat. Most of us will fail. Maybe not even most of us on this website which is why it's so hard to see this point. If you are entrenched in the achievement-subject project - the self imposed (best) video game/simulation that fact is obviously going to be a blind spot. The game is made for cis white males. The game is made for cis white males and I failed. How does that make me feel? What about all the others who failed or never had a chance? One of the problems with failing is that there is no alternative. It's like once you step out of that video game which sucks for most people you are still in a video game that sucks. It is very difficult to escape the tiredness and the undeadness as long as one is working for a corporation in a capitalist society. I would much prefer to just linger contemplatively. I prefer that lifestyle but don't know how to achieve it at this point.
It's funny the fact I am intersectional x I have so many avenues for activism and I don't really actively engage in any of them. Maybe, I am still learning. Did Occupy Wall St. even accomplish anything? I suppose we have to continue to fight. That is all we can do. That is a project in-itself. A pure project. I remember a day when I would work 12 hours and come home and check emails and be woken up by phone calls. Holy shit that was terrible. At least at my current job there are no emails, no texting, no phone calls. What are we all working towards? A big house and a country club membership? Come the fuck on. It is bigger than that. It has to be bigger than that.
You know I am not even completely sure that the feminists get it all right with their condemnation of the patriarchy. It's another complex entrenched problem. I took 0 gender studies courses in college though so I really don't know what is being taught in the universities. I took a social work course that touched on it but nothing nitty gritty. And, honestly, I never cared that much about it because it didn't effect me although I was always pro-woman. It's tough. I want to be a feminist but parts of the movement turn me off. At the end of the day I want to get rid of hierarchies, domination, and oppression. I want to be as understanding of all of this stuff as I can be. There is a lot of suffering in this world that can be alleviated if we just work together within our communities and hopefully come together on a global scale to take down some of this stuff.
"We are the children and citizens of the Earth" - Edgar Morin
I wish to linger on commitment. My therapist said I should think about it. I am always on this idea and that idea and the next one not really committing to anything ever. I think it's mostly related to jobs/careers/whateveryouwanttocallit. I am supposed to think about that too. What am I good at and what do I like to do? There is always like a spirit in the air that seems to whisper teach. Teach. But, then that just seems like just another one of my ideas. I have never commit to it. So it's 3 questions:
- What am I good at?
- What do I like to do?
- What am I willing to commit to?
I think the commitment piece is key. I remember when I was committed to poker I usually did really well. When I was down on poker and looking for ways out and mopey I generally lost and was miserable. It's the same with that corporate sales job I had. I was committed to lacrosse and put together a strong four years and had a lot of great times. It just seems to be the way the world works. I don't know a way around it. I prefer multiple disciplinary work. I would love to be a shiny ball consultant. I don't know if jobs like that exist in this world for me. I don't know if I'm qualified. I don't know what I am qualified for. I don't know if I will ever find something I feel is worth committing to. Nothing has ever been good enough.
Maybe I'll ponder this some more and write more later. I think a lot of issue with commitment deals with FEAR(s) even if it is a +ev play. There is always going to be a lot of unknowns. Sometimes getting out of commitments at a certain point seems impossible or unbearable. At the end of the day though everything is a wager and we have to bet on whatever is going to give us the most overall life satisfaction (short-term and long-term). Which is actually another interesting discussion. Do we care if we are crippled and decrepit at 80 if 40 is really awesome? What if I really like cigarettes and cheese? I love red wine too.............. I was committed to red wine.
I am in the middle of finding myself. It feels like I've been finding myself my whole life. Do we ever find ourselves? I've encountered people where this seems to be the case. It is almost unfathomable to me. I am serious. Are there people on here that feel like they have found themselves? What does that mean?
I have goals. Like I've said I want to find an (altruistic) cause to spend time on, I want good friends, and I want a girlfriend. I also want to eat less shit and move more. I don't know how I want to move. Maybe get back into tennis. Maybe get back into improv. I still have to actualize all of this stuff. It seems easier but more painful to just continue doing what I've been doing if that makes sense. That sounds like classic alcoholic behavior to me. I have so much freedom yet I seemingly continue to not make the right choices. The social anxiety has me a little shaken up. It makes me more fearful to do something new even though it is just a worry.
I don't know how to make myself choose right. What do I believe in? What do I stand for? I am like a cat with shiny ball syndrome that let's the corporation I work for dictate my life. I glide with the confines of my work schedule. I have mostly been a night owl my whole life. That is my natural temperament. It kind of sucks to be in that zone in a city where everything closes early and I don't drink or do drugs and there are no late night AA meetings/communities that I particularly like and I have barely any friends let alone any friends on this later night schedule.
My therapist mentioned that I wasn't present during a lot of my development and that is kind of a bear of a problem that compounded over time and I am still dealing with it. I think some on here maybe get that if they were addicted to BW and/or poker in their teens and twenties. So, I am still finding myself. My first reaction is like "Fuck, still?" I mean of course I am still finding myself but do I ever find myself? Maybe not. But, you know what? Just relaxing a bit here listening to some Robert Glasper Experiment and writing these thoughts out I don't feel so bad. I truly want people to try and answer some of these questions in here. I am trying to learn in anyway possible to reduce suffering and live a better life. I realize there is no magic pill. I am just a lonely SOB that is questioning myself at every turn. It feels like I have lost my smile or my personality or both. Sometimes I catch glimpses of a swagger but it doesn't seem to stick. What happened to my smile? I have a pent up zest for life waiting to burst. I think I have a feeling what I have to do. Yet, I sleep in and take naps and don't call people to do stuff and let the dishes pile up and overall don't take action. It's easy to just fall into the everything is determinism mode and just float by. Complain or hide behind determinism rather than embrace responsibility. Fuck man, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what will make me change.
I am afraid to hop back on stage. I never had major social anxiety with improv or stage fright ever but things have changed. Maybe they haven't. The only way to know would be to try it. That should really be my motto for into the future. The only way to know would be to try it. Except, If I want to know what the warmth of heroine is like. The warmth of a campfire or the warmth of a woman sounds like a better idea.
Today was one of those days that I got home and I could barely bear to bend over and untie my shoes. I was just hoping it would get better from there. It has. Another pint of Jenni's Brambleberry Crisp and now listening to Nujabes and writing down words. How did I end up as a pizza maker? It's really kind of bizarre. I made some great pizzas today and I made some not so great pizzas today. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting the dough a little bit and the ingredients. I looked to my co-workers who are much better than me. I shouldn't compare myself to them but I yearn to learn from them. I am at a somewhat weird part of my pizza progression. On the other hand, I don't necessarily feel that I am wasting my time making pizzas but I can't help but feel like there is a higher calling for me. Doesn't everyone feel like there is a higher calling for them...?
I don't need to kill myself either. I find it absurd that people throw around the advice to kill oneself on the internet. The time may come when it is time to kill myself but it's not now. I actually think I am on the cusp of having a not so bad life which could continue to grow. What am I missing? This social anxiety piece is really big. I think I have had it since middle school. I think it's why I was drawn to video games and poker. I think it's why I did so many substances at least in part. But, it's been stronger here than in the past. I let my hand tremor get to me. Although it is a weird thing to have a hand tremor (Lithium and Abilify).
What are your guys thoughts on some great tv shows?
Stroggoz reminded me of Rome in the GoT thread which I absolutely love. I pointed out that Deadwood is another show like that. My brother told me to watch some show called Marvelous Ms. Maisie or something like that he said it's better than GoT or he told me to watch One Punch Man. I was watching Handmaid's Tale but man some episodes are so bleak for the full 50+ min. I am trying to unwind and maybe laugh or get enthralled.
"Unfathomable loneliness and sadness crept through him: he saw his life down the solemn vista of a forest aisle, and he knew he would always be the sad one: caged in that little round of skull, imprisoned in that beating and most secret heart, his life must always walk down lonely passages. Lost. He understood that men were forever strangers to one another, that no one ever comes really to know anyone, that imprisoned in the dark womb of our mother, we come to life without having seen her face, that we are given to her arms a stranger, and that, caught in that insoluble prison of being, we escape it never, no matter what arms may clasp us, what mouth may kiss us, what heart may warm us. Never, never, never, never, never.?"
In psychotherapy this is one of the most fundamental questions. What are someone's true wishes in this world? Then it is the individual's responsibility to act on these wishes. That's why it is important to be accurate with one's wishes. We are free to choose (to some extent). We are the sum of our actions.
What do I want?
I figure I would do this as an experiment and an exercise. I am just all in my head before a psychotherapy appointment and rather than sit here and do nothing I'll maybe get some of this stuff out of my head and it will be worthwhile.
There are a lot of interrelated things in my life. A big one is always the job. I don't hate it. I get a good feeling sometimes. It's not a bad place to be BUT it's not going to get me out of my parent's house. I do not wish to work more hours or scale up in the capitalist world. It's like I am almost forced to find something in the public or non-profit sector. Living at home effects dating (so does making more money). I would like to date but it's almost like the state of my life dating is more annoyance than fun. I would like to go out and have more fun. Spend time with people. I wish to get better at painting and the electric guitar. I think these are all pretty doable things. But, it really goes back to that work piece. I have no desire whatsoever to climb higher in capitalism but I am currently a bit fucked in regards to finances... Fucked is a strong word. I eek it out like I have said on here before. I will stay at my parent's place and perhaps continue to be incel. It feels like I have to go back to school for something or maybe more importantly work for someone that ends in .org. There are no ultimate rescuers here. This is all on me. I have to figure this out but I hope I get help and inspiration along the way.
I have the freedom to buy an electric guitar. Guess what? I just bought an electric guitar and sick headphones. Am I responsible for that choice?
The book I am currently reading ("Existential Psychotherapy") makes the argument that we are responsible for our life predicament and we are responsible for changing. We must be if we want to see any semblance of growth.
Sartre says we are a sum of our actions. Which is true but what is the originator of our actions?
Yalom says that if we are structural determinists we need activists not therapists and nothing can change on a personal level until the structures are changed. Therapy or really any form of individual improvement is hopeless.
I suppose I believe in or I want to believe in that we truly have this freedom. I am not convinced we do. I almost want to convince myself that we do because I think it would be better for me. I think most "successful" people or let's define it as people with financial freedom that are earning that financial freedom through something they more or less like to do from my experiences across the board strongly believe in this principle of responsibility. I want to use the example of Kanye West believing so strongly in responsibility that he believes that slavery was a choice. I mean technically it was. The slaves could attempt to run away or kill themselves. That is like radical responsibility. It completely disregards the structures in place. But, I think about the prospects of a slave making it to a safe place in the North and myself making it to a safe place in France. Which is kind of an absurd comparison. I am in a safe place now yet I feel like a slave. Not in the sense of enslaved Africans in the 1700-1800s. That is not a fair comparison but I do feel like a slave to Capitalism and many of the current structures in place. That mixed with my upbringing and so many facets of my life have shaped who I am. I don't know if it is fair to say that I have 100% responsibility in my life predicament and responsibility to grow personally. I don't know enough about neuroscience and actually I don't think anyone does to truly answer these questions. Maybe they do and I am just ignorant. But, I think another aspect of this is that it is perhaps better to believe we have 100% responsibility. So, why not just believe it? Well, there are things I can't un-see. There is certainly determinism in this dimension but I truly believe we have some aspects of freedom as well. How much? I don't know. But, I continue to go to therapy and I do see undeniable improvement in certain areas. I just want to believe that my actions have gotten me here and it is my actions that will get me out. That almost seems too positive but again positivity seems like a trait of people that have better quality of lives. But, there is a strong activist aspect of me as well but I don't think I can give that area my all until I work on some personal things with a therapist. I suppose it's not hypocritical to be compatibilist. Most active philosophers today believe in compatibilism. It's just crazy that our thoughts and our "Interpreter" (part of the brain that interprets the world around us) are so unreliable. We are on some crazy runaway train on speculative tracks and trails. There is so much we don't know about the brain, consciousness, existence. We exist, we are conscious, we think and we don't know much about why or how. Well, thoughts is getting more understood but the other two who the fuck knows.
I want to read Hofstadter's chef d'oeuvre. So, I just bought it and then see if I have the motivation to read it when it comes.
MOTIVATION
What is the basis for motivation?????????????? INSPIRATION?????????????????
That is the million dollar question that I also feel is mostly determined yet has some aspects of freedom.
I had a dream last night and it gave me an idea for a painting. I currently have 3 paintings in process but the thing about oil paints is that one has to let them dry in specific parts before proceeding and I usually put the paint on pretty thick so it takes a week+ for certain areas to dry. Part of the dream was Kanye West collaborated with an unknown but very talented painter and it was like an African-scape at night with very vivid stars and a jaguar sitting with very vivid eyes. I am not good enough to paint that but I might try. They asked me to collaborate on it but it was so good that I couldn't find an area that I wanted to put some brush strokes. Then my instinct was to graffiti it but I liked it too much. I didn't want to sully it. It was such a pure painting. I wish I could re-create it. What I am attempting to re-create is another dream or the same dream in which I was visited by a ghost-like, alien-like, spirit-like entity. It is ambiguous exactly what it was. If anything it was like my version of a neo-Spectre. It was a pinkish magenta with eyes like fire that changed in intensity. I just had the thought that it could be me or some aspect of me or it could be my Spectre or a ghost or an alien or (a) God or who knows?
I would still be painting but I ran out of turpentine. Nothing kills creativity like having to go out to the store and consume. Like blogging in the fashion that I do is some form of adequate substitute for creative expression...
I love that gif but I don't want to wear it out.
I think Pyramids by Frank Ocean (and John Mayer) is a good example of expression. I wish I could write songs and sing like Frank Ocean. I wish I could play the guitar like John Mayer. I am probably closest to writing songs well but I don't really have the melodies or the vision in my head it's more so just poetry and I don't particularly have the penchant for poetry. I write it in spurts usually when manic. I will never have a great voice. I will never play the guitar like John Mayer. I think I could get pretty decent at the guitar except for a lack of talent and lack of wanting to do so (in reality). I have done some music production. It is fun but then I will never create a Waters of Nazareth by Justice on Garage Band so that makes me feel like shit. I don't even know why that is the case. It's not entirely the case. I made a few songs and at least one good song on my sister's computer who used to be a musician with a small studio. It made for a great afternoon. I would not have rather been any where else on the planet at that time. It was an end-in-itself. It is only afterwards, later on, that I compare and contrast. Ugly business comparing and contrasting can be.
I think one of the reasons I like Pyramids is that it reminds me of a one night stand that was particularly memorable. If I could just have that beauty, that spontaneity, that sensualness, that joy in my life. I think I have a piece of that when I paint. I also have a piece of peace. One of my favorite things about a one night stand is when after she leaves and her scent lingers on the pillow and sheets. But, I think my favorite might be that initial eye contact, the initial flirtations, the initial kiss, a wet vagina, the initial penetration, and then obviously everything leading to the tiny death of orgasm. The afterglow. It just all seems like a small reprieve from the human predicament.
Right now, it feels like "Oh God, what am I going to do for about 12-13 hours before I can get some sleep." That is pretty awful.... I better go get some turpentine...... I am not living as if I am going to die or maybe I am. I don't know. Fuck it. I am going to get some turpentine and I am going to shower and brush my teeth in case the person who works there is an attractive woman.
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