sup

weird double post

mods delete please

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I worked my ass off the last few days. Up for a promotion the performance machine was running all systems go. In fact, I'm making sure my phone is right next to me if they call me in tomorrow.

High Alone by Sevdaliza. Go like 4mg of Xanax. That will cut the heaviness of working overtime on extreme rushed, hectic, frantic time. If I'm not careful I will be lost on the undead time. I have to work frantically to have a chance at the GOOD PUSS. I don't think I can truly think under these conditions. The music is too loud. The key strokes are too loud. It's too active. In order to contemplate properly I need to slow down and be still. There is too much information on here.

I hope to keep it simple tomorrow. If I'm not working go to the beach and watch the birds and feel the breeze. Maybe read a novel and take a nap. Of course, play the guitar. I got a metronome which is helping a lot. I also got a wahwah pedal (Crybaby) that is pretty fun. Maybe 1 day I will be able to play White Room by Cream in it's entirety or Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.

What are some other classic wahwah pedal songs?

What would LP have me play?

Hah... There are only like 10 ppl reading this...

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Well, I am considering it. I am considering to apply for a promotion at work to be a manager. 2 managers told me about the opening and said I should apply. Pay would be like $30,000/yr now to $40,000/yr if I get the job. I would obviously have manager duties and they said the biggest change is when I am the manager in charge of the store duties. I think I'm going to go for it but I posted this here in case I'm missing something or to just better think about it through writing.

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The problem with capitalism is that it has no concern for the good life. It just wants growth. It wants interstellar imperialism at all costs. Unfortunately, it seems that my occupation is no different. They want more sales with less people. I can't tell if they are hollowing it out on purpose or that is just the nature of things right now but I don't like it. I want to sit at the patio with my friends on a Wednesday night and not feel a heaviness from the rush, the hectic, frantic day. I was overcharged, over-cooked. There were sparks and not good ones. I do not want this.

I don't want to obsess about the good life but I don't want to be stuck in the bare life either. How are you doing? I'm surviving... Just survive for too long and become undead. I don't care. Eat your vegetables and fruits. Exercise. Meditate. Whatever dude. There is more to life than just survivin'. I am not even talking about yachts and private jets. Fuck that. A flourishing spirit. Individual activities, patios, the Other. Not being so god damn rushed all the time.

Everyone is different. Everyone may have a different conception of the good life. We've been discussing this stuff since the Greeks and probably earlier. The problem is people caught up in the whirlwind of capitalism don't see it and they most likely never will. The burnt out and the depressives stay there because they don't understand and they never will. They are trying to accelerate even faster when the answer is to slow down and not just slow down so one can accelerate even faster the next trip. I know all this and I still get caught up in it all. Philosophy is a luxury and a leisure experience. People working 60 hours+ a week have no time for it. It's hard to truly digest it after a slammed day even if one has all night. What fits better is whatever is easiest and will get one through the time and duration away from work in order for work performance to improve. That's not philosophy. I read about the good life and go shit I have to get away from work somehow. Somehow I need to slow down and not try to one-up my perfect score from yesterday. How do I beat 100/100? Why do I feel like shit? I'm survivin' though.....

I want madness and passion in my love. Not just pleasant feelings. I want to risk my life. I don't want to just take my medicines and work away my life as a slave. It really seems like there is no way out. Is playing the guitar and going down to a patio enough? I've been accumulating money but there is always a fear there. Since I don't make a whole lot it kind of always feels like I am in a precarious position. But, should my goal be to max the limit on how much I am making? That is a scared slave survivin' position.

A friend of mine showed up at the patio yesterday and I have never seen someone so depressed in my life. I'm surprised he could even make it out. He said he hasn't experienced joy in 8 months and just works and goes home and stares at the wall. I shared some of my own experiences but he didn't seem to give a shit. Just said his life is over, etc. The only thing he seemed interested in was I suggested he watch Melancholia by Lars Von Trier. He didn't seem to want to kill himself but he did wish he was dead. I thought suggesting Cioran The Trouble with Being Born might have been going too far but that book has helped me with multiple depressions. The emphasis of his problems would be that he has no one in his life and he feels like an outcast. I was trying to suggest that the remedy to that would be to slowly get people in his life and then he would no longer feel like an outcast but he is in total despair. It's a tricky situation because it is tough to go from outcast to not outcast. Any suggestions on how to help this guy are welcome.

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As I sit here listening to Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked For Death (Album) I realize that yes I am marked for death and sometimes it is hard to believe that someone would "pick" me in light of this fact that I am in fact marked for death or for many other reasons. Why would I pick them? They that are also marked for death and for many other reasons?

Something that has been bothering me is that in the letter that the manager wrote she wrote that I was a "Can Do" person with a great attitude and that I never say no to things. I feel that at work I am a Non-Playable Character or some autistic performance-machine.

Not to say that I don't enjoy the Other at work. I hate the word authentic but I try not to put up a schtick or act as if an employee in this area is supposed to act. But, I do have customer service training and sales training. I always kind of liked how retail acted in Paris or Buenos Aires. The sort of labor I am doing is not really the kind to fuck up a whole consciousness but in a way it does. I've been through this a million times but when I am working there is close to zero leisure time. My time off work is a rest from work but also rest for work. It's rare to truly get out of the grips of this. The problem is when I am unemployed I have plenty of time for leisure but no money to even survive or at least in my circumstances keep a sane mind without being thoroughly crushed by capital.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

The more I think the more likely that I will find something new.

I have to say having some sort of dating life is a plus. It's kind of like the movie Anomalisa where a guy is caught in the world of the same until he finally meets someone who is different. Great film. Worth a watch. My grit to leave the house and be among people is lifting me out of my isolated, cynical depression and it feels really great.

I don't think I am a pushover at work it's just that people ask reasonable questions in the context of work. I have a "can do" attitude probably because that's how I was raised. It's funny though after all these years I still don't want to be a loser. Who wants to be a loser? Maybe I still am a loser in the overall hierarchal sense but I am not a loser in this little sphere at work and I am not a loser in AA. I am just saying the burnout and the depression are one in the same. It sucks that I need to force myself to connect but maybe if the pain is not great enough there is no impetus to change.

There is a feeling that I am in an ok place. So, what if I flirt with autistic performance-machine at work if I am not undead when I leave. Maybe the Other is enough. Maybe I just might make it out of here with out killing myself. I hate saying "yes" or "yes I can" at work. I am not free. I feel like this blog was written with some thought but also some compulsion. Compulsion is the opposite of freedom. I do feel free when I write listening to music that I was free to choose or compelled to choose by the mood. I feel free. I feel free.

I feel free.

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I am not going to be employee of the month next month. I didn't almost die. I am just dealing with life. I think I am getting a bit depressed really. I know that is based in selfishness and narcissism. But, I have been spending too much time with myself lately. There is no connection with the atopic other. That is it basically. Connection with an atopic other solves most of my problems. The deeper I go into a depression the harder this becomes. The question is do I have to go through a deep depression to find it or can I just find it before the depression envelopes me?

The atopic other does not fix the fact that my health insurance sucks or that I can't afford my psych meds or possibly even therapy at this point but it solves a lot. It feels like I am closer to a drink than for a while. There was the time I was getting manic and psychotic and sleepless and paranoid and eating Ativans and listening to Emma Ruth Rundle live shows and passing out in bliss. In my defense they were prescribed to take exactly in that scenario. I don't ever want to end up riding an ambulance to the ER just so they give me an Ativan and send me home with a $5k bill.

Sometimes I get the idea that drinking would help with my problems. Ease existence a bit. Quit my job and see what happens. I realized today the reason I did not go to Gojira last summer was because I was hopelessly broke. Going to Gojira was one thing that was keeping me going. I can't kill myself because I must see Gojira in the summer. That show was only an hour and 30 min. away.

I have got to figure out a way to fill up my car with KL fans that don't have a means of transportation. I used to do that with drunks to get them to meetings and maybe I should do that too but I am not convinced of AA. I could just be straight edge in the context of punk / hardcore or I could just be a sober / clean person in general.

I would feel a little bit safer if I filled my car with friends of friends who don't drink or do drugs though. It's like I can never turn my back on AA fully.

I can't kill myself and I can't quit my job because I must see KL this year. I have to get out of this job before the holiday season though and have something locked up that is not terrible during the holiday season.

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I was driving home from work and it was raining pretty bad. Visibility was effected but not horrible. Then all of a sudden this car drifts into my lane and is headed straight for me. We are both going about 35 mph so I am thinking how do I not die here. I decide to slam on the breaks and in a split second think "at least I probably won't die." Then, the car swerves at the last second nearly missing my car.

I think it's staying with me a bit to attempt to live a better life. I've been listening to a shit ton of Knocked Loose - A Tear In the Fabric of Life which is coincidental that the start of the album is a car crash that kills someone and the grief that follows. Knocked Loose comes to Blossom Music Center and I might go. It's kind of a weird venue for them but they are getting pretty big and outgrowing Unitarian Churches it seems. There is seating up front and then everyone else has picnics and drinks red wine on the lawn. Very, very weird for a punk show. Obviously, the vibe will be different versus an orchestral symphony. I don't think I'd mind just lying down on a blanket on the lawn bobbing my head.

I've been coming across a lot of Nietzsche via Byung-Chul Han. I'm tempted to re-read it all again from Human All Too Human but not sure if I want to commit to that. There is so much in the world to read...

I don't know. I am just happy I am alive and not super injured. I am happy I get a day off from being super performance zombie. But, the day off makes me a better super performance zombie. There is no real way of getting out of that cycle unless I quit all employment but that is not advisable. It's actually fine if there is enough cash lying around for some time but when do you end it and what type of employment can one find at that point. NEET life is not a great life.

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Every dog has its day. The store brought back employee of the month and I was the first recipient. I'm actually a little bit proud. Most would probably think that because I am anti-capitalist that I wouldn't work hard or may even sabotage the project. I show up on time and work hard because I think it is the right thing to do. It's an ideal to slow production but in my environment in that social group why would I sabotage these people? After all, we are selling retail that people actually need at fair prices. Would it be nice to receive more money and better benefits? Absolutely. I have not ever really delved that deeply into unions because it just does not seem likely. Why risk getting fired if my working conditions are not bad?

I do realize I am just the flavor of the month for now. There is still a lot of work to do every day. I would love to find something a little more stimulating or varied. Time will tell.

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A new day. A lot of people have written about a new day.

I feel particularly sober at this moment in time. If that even makes any sense. If I had any sense I probably wouldn't be writing these things. I am a bit sleepy but not quite ready for sleep. A state that I enjoy writing in. I'm listening to Meshuggah pretty loud in my pro headphones. It is a fun experience even without the writing. My blue switch keys are barely decipherable but I still get the sensory feeling of hitting the sweet spot and the keys clicking into place.

The prescription drug issue seems to be resolved for now. American capitalism. What a great system. The only people that seemed to care about me was my mom and my therapist. That could be a metaphor for life by the way. I am not out of the woods yet. I don't know if any of the fuckers are going to budge but I did get a free two week "sample" from the doctor's office after I told them I ran out of meds.

I can play Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin on the guitar pretty well at this point minus the crazy solo. I saw something today that Adam Jones (Tool guitarist) said. He said that guitarists need 2 things attitude and discipline. I found that to ring true although I am not sure I have much in the attitude department quite yet. I do play the guitar every day though even if I don't feel like it. I practice scales (blues and pentatonic). It's funny I used to love the blues scales and now I am into the pentatonic scales more now. Then I work on whatever my lesson was on. Then, if I am feeling it I turn the amp up and fuck around with my effects pedal and let it rip. Which is not very impressive at this point but it is fun. Although, I think playing with heavy distortion and delay can actually fuck with my good or bad habits. I almost always practice with a clean amp or without an amp. Just some newbie thoughts.

I don't know. I've written this much and could just as well delete it all. I usually only post when I am anxious, distraught, and discontent which maybe I still am but I have to say I was feeling pretty good today.

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Fresh day, fresh thread. I want to keep it brief so I can watch some Better Call Saul and sleep.

What got me bummed today is I finally have an anti-psychotic that seems to work for me and they are trying to charge me $200/month for it. I have to negotiate with the damn insurance company. Anybody have any pro tips for this? I am thinking my leverage is I just don't take the drug but I am not sure if there are better options. Just not taking any anti-psychotic I don't think is a great idea. I just got hit with this news today because they gave me the first one free like some heroin dealer and then when everything is stable WHAMMM $200/month.

I got asked out to lunch by a co-worker today for Monday but I work Monday. I told her Tuesday or Thursday would work. We will see. I am unsure if it is a date or just a lunch date. I figure fuck it I'll figure it out as the time passes. Life is too short.

Life is too short to be writing these damn blogs, man.

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