I'm deep in theory. What a magical time. I am about half way through Mythologies by Roland Barthes. Then, I have The Medium is the Massage by McLuhan, Elements of Semiology by Barthes, and Society of the Spectacle by Debord up next but no one gives a shit.
That is really what this blog post is about. How no one gives a shit. Being an autodidact is a very solitary pursuit by definition. I joined a philosophy channel on Discord and they don't really give a shit either. It's mostly analytic academics. I don't fit in. The server is too active. Reddit has nothing for me besides the occasional Google search. I kind of despise Chat GPT but it can be somewhat useful.
My poor mom has to hear earfuls of the stuff I'm reading. At least she says she enjoys it to a point.
I'm just lonely. I went in hard on some Baudrillard. I think up to 2 weeks have flown by. I don't know if I even thought to be lonely then. Mythologies by Barthes is ok. It is a good intro to semiotics. A nice break from the denser and more opaque Baudrillard. Although, Baudrillard fascinates me. He seduces me. He haunts me.
There is no where for the autodidact to go except to touch grass and deal with it. Academia is a pipedream. It has been ever since I did not major in philosophy and chose poker over academics.
And the elephant in the room is that I need a job. I know, I know. I need a job. That is tremendous toil. If I did not have hypertrophy training and theory I would be in real trouble. The toil and the void would be too great.
Overcoming inertia in entropy. In a simulation the only thing left to do is play the game. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (Shakespeare).
It is normal for people to have anxiety about death. Libido and fear of death are two massive motivations. Sometimes they are unconcsious motivations. Marketers mess with our ability to know what we need and what will be satisfying. They tamper with our imagination as the result of the void. It shows up in weird ways. We fill the void with imagination and consumption. Imagination in the creation of art is good. Imagination in unrealistic expectations for consumption is bad.
I have clothes. I have plenty of clothes. I have an understanding of color theory and can generally dress myself to be passable in society. There is no such thing as authenticity in this regard. Unless maybe if I got my clothes from a small indigenous group of people in South America who custom made me some outfits. Any magazine, any shop, any online store is going to command the title of "purveyor of taste." Personally, I think just wearing white t-shirts and blue jeans everyday is better than falling into the consumption trap. But, in bourgois life there are dress codes...
"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Samuel Johnson
A beast with f body dysmorophia. I've been watching IFBB pros train on YouTube. They all have body dysmorphia. They all wear "pump covers" to hide their muscles until they feel they are pumped up enough.
How much is enough? I don't feel the need to get that jacked or that lean. I would like to make gains in the gym, however.
I wish I didn't have to be so clean and sober all the time but between my alcoholism and bipolar it's really fucking stupid to drink or do drugs. I get better gains in the gym though and I am definitely more clear headed. Not clearheaded enough to not post a bunch of bullshit on a website with barely any traffic but it's better than being bombed and that whole cycle. I didn't even post any marijuana pictures or breasts.
I don’t know how many guys from 10-15 years ago still visit these forums. I sure haven’t posted here in a long time. About 10 years ago it seems. Since ChatGPT is now getting extremely good at researching topics, I was curious to ask it what it could find about “marshall28”.
As a result, it led me down some rabbit holes and as I was reading things I said in the past. Looking back at the ways I spoke to others, and just the many random cringe things I said, I’ve been forced to reflect on the type of person I was.
If I was honest enough with myself back then, my explanation for acting the way I did was that ‘I never felt like I got the respect I deserved.’
Looking at it now though, it’s quite a bit worse than that. Everything I said was some sort of attempt to manipulate others into respecting my abilities. I felt that I needed to be validated by other people, that what other people thought of me was as important as anything. Looking at the way I would just insult swaths of people (or anyone really)—which I’d basically never do today—I can just see how attention seeking I was in a way that I tried really hard not to look like I was attention seeking.
I was clearly very desperate and insecure.
The funny thing is, if anyone knew me in person, they knew that I didn’t act like I would on these forums or on 2p2, however, that fact doesn’t make it any less of a massive personality flaw that took years to work through and overcome.
Over the years, mostly in my personal life, I’ve had so many people take from me, or just use me, and I finally had to come to terms with the fact that we all are just doing what we think is best at the time. I realized that holding any grudges against any of these people, even ones who had done things others might deem unforgivable, was just harming me. As a result, I’ve learned to no longer hold anything against anyone.
So, I rubbed a lot of people on here the wrong way. It’s totally fair to think whatever you’d like of me. It’s not really my business what anyone thinks of me anyways, and if you are one of those I’m speaking to, I think you probably had a good reason for feeling that way. We’re all just learning as we go along.
I don’t hold anything against you, or anybody anymore really.
Hope everybody is doing well and wish you best of luck.
So I was talking about rikd how I feel I just enter mid life, and feel my age. last year I still felt 25 this year I actually feel my age for once. my mind n body is in sync now that my mind has decline a step or two. most people experience it in their early 40s but me late 30s. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/mid-life
you guys feel like u hit your middle age yet or still feel 25 or not your age? rikd the only person I know who is in the middle age cuz all my friend hasn't felt it yet.
/userpoll/draw.php?poll_id=14041
Poll: are you in mid age?
(Vote): yes
(Vote): no
(Vote): maybe
still waiting for school but I have no idea if I want to pursue it anymore since its a lot of work. poker and gambling aint making anything but hey my Pokemon cards are doing well. sold some for 1k Canadian and have a bunch left. this modest and humble life sucks but its not the worst thing possible so ill take it. feels like a lot of ppl are struggling in this economy esp Canadians with the rise in cost of surviving. im a 7/10 not bad not good just okay. hope to win some mitt like Neilly but ggpoker aint a walk in the park like how rikd feels with his dog. I don't know im just living and doing the same thing over n over again. gets boring but at least its not struggling or stressful just bored. I need some excitement but so broke cuz gotta put some money into the old age funds. saving money is hard these days even on a tight budget.
Pokemon collecting is like one of my few hobbies now lol along with fishing n golfing but can't really do those in the winter time. I don't enjoy gaming cuz im so bad now, my apm drop a lot lately. getting old(er).
also happy Chinese/Lunar new year to my fellow asians. year of the wood snake.
YouTube joey yap your zodiac sign if u want to watch some metaphysics.
I come on here because I am desperate: Desperate for attention, desperate for connection, desperate for a change in mood. I get anxious, I feel empty, I am frantic for more experience. The list of things that work is really not that long and they may or may not end up working. I've got Aphex Twin going in really expensive headphones. It's really the best way to listen to him and I have the Steinberg UR12 Audio Interface where I can turn a knob to adjust the volume. That little of a detail makes me content. I also have my MXL990 mic hooked up so I can create music with ease. Material things do bring happiness. With the music and the cologne it really sets up a nice atmosphere for someone as lonely as me. I have found this rather queer behavior to make life a little bit more livable. I'm also in a really old sweatshirt and sweatpants. No casts on the feet. Peak relaxation.
It's nice to have these moments. To linger contemplatively. My whole city is shutdown from a "snowstorm." I am a sum of my actions. If I want a job I need to call on potential employers. I don't want a job. I need a job. It's a fact of life we need to consider income versus expenses. I am not an exception. Money problems can really make life hell. One thing that I have going for me is that I have been to hell and back. I wish it were not so but while leaving trauma it also toughened me up. Hell is not other people. Hell is being homeless in the winter with no health insurance and no psych meds.
Hey guys! Randomly decided to check out liquidpoker again after all these years, reading kets old blogpost from a couple of years past made me really nostalgic. This community was such a huge part of my life during my formative years and man the years have gone by.
Im an MD now, internal medicine. Going for a double in cardiology which will be finished in about a year. Got two kids, going for a third. Really enjoying life and my profession. Life is intense but in loving it. Practicing medicine is alot like poker in some ways. Cultivating a proper instinct and constantly revising. Improving, honing it.
Still miss the old days of gambling sometimes. Been checking out some poker content on youtube lately and realizing i was never really any good at this game I got in at the right time and also got out just in time i think. So cool seeing some of you guys still going at it.
The poker years where something special. I have so many fond memories of so many of you, both from online, live events and vegas. Too many ppl to mention, theres a swedish saying ”ingen nämnd ingen glömd” which translates to ”nobody mentioned, nobody forgotten”
I hope some of you still lurk here and pops in to say hi
The New Year and no one is here. Probably a good thing right?
The New Year is ripe for a fresh start eh?
New year, new day, new moment!
And I am here typing up a blog on a dead ass website but I want to chill out a little bit and listen to music.
I'm finally home. I can get cleaned up a bit and GET AFTER IT in the gym! Do some deadlifts, some Bulgarian Split Squats, and go heavy on some back extensions. Get stronger and more athletic. Life doesn't end at 40!
I read a stat the other day that among Gen Z males, suicide is up 40%. Among Gen Z females it is up 56%. I can feel it. I try not to feel it so much for my own mental health but the truth shall set you free. Why are so many people committing suicide these days, how can I avoid it myself and how can I potentially help others?
I guess that is a potentially dark start. It's so crazy how all of us specs are just floating around existing. I am at my brother's house with my parents helping out with babysitting. I'll probably crash before midnight. I don't know if that is depressing or not. I'm reading a good book (Sentimental Education by Flaubert). I'm safe, I'm healthy, I'm not feeling that bad really. NYE is amateur night out in da club. I don't want to be around a bunch of belligerent drunks. So, per usual I am empty, alone, and listening to Andy Stott.
That's the thing about hedonic adaptation. Most people would probably say my life sucks. Especially, this underlying concern about money but I don't know it's not that bad. Constantly being tortured would be worse. There are a number of things that would make my life better. Hedonic adaptation and entrenched habit and I am ok but it also keeps me from getting better. How much better would I get? What is the word like marginal gains? What if it is really difficult to just get a little bit of improvement?
I don't need Rick Owens clothing. I don't need a lot of material anything.
Exercise - check
Connection - oops
Meditation - sometimes
It would obviously be better to have a consistent meditation practice.
Gratitude - sometimes
Sleep - I typically sleep pretty well
That is the foundation of "happiness" even though I don't like that word.
I know connection is important but I am too broke to have friends at this point. It's not so bad up North where I can spend time with my siblings, etc. but down South all I have is my parents and that is not healthy. So, it always comes back to being broke. Get a job you bum! And that's basically it.
A job in these happiness scenarios is just assumed or a job that isn't too bad which may be more difficult to acheive than most people think. The quest for bread. It afflicts all the disinherited.
I think I'm just feeling a little antsy. Spending too much time with family can wear on anybody. Close quarters. There is no where for me to go except for the gym and I took a day off today. We need distractions and I need free or extraordinarily cheap activities.
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I got in at the right time and also got out just in time i think. So cool seeing some of you guys still going at it.
