So I finally solved sales. I have it all figured out. There is nothing left to learn. Women want me, men want to be me. In all seriousness, all I’m trying to say is that I’ve finally begun making some money at it. I’m up $ 27k this year, with my best month being $9200. No shadiness, all pure ethical sales. I found my niche: building value in the product. Just eloquently explaining what makes XYZ car a good car to the point my customers get excited. It’s their #1 compliment about me, saying things like “I’ve never had a salesman like you before, that was really different”.
I’ve also dipped my toes back into the poker scene again. We’re playing 1/3 this time, but I’m up $2800 or so with about a $50/hourly over a meaningless sample. I have a 17k liferoll, so needless to say, it definitely feels better to play overrolled than under. The hours at the dealership are long, and I keep fantasizing about the freedom poker would give me, but I’m also self-aware enough to realize I stand a good chance of being irresponsible with that freedom just like last time.
The last bit of good news is I’ve finally left the motel and have a legitimate apartment. Since I lost everything, furnishings are sparse, and I’m going to make a good faith effort not to blow it all on anything extravagant. For instance, I picked up a mattress from Walmart today to give you an example of my frugality. Everything else will be piecemealed together from Facebook Marketplace. The neighborhood I landed in is like something out of a storybook. The street is encapsulated under a giant canopy of trees, creating stunning vistas and sounds of nature. The whole area just smells so green. Walking around at night, you are surrounded by the hiss of dimly lit gas lanterns burning away, casting an orange glow from afar. It’s enchanting. I live in one of the most primier areas of town that is literally walking distance to everything. It’s insane being able to just casually stroll about the neighborhood and stumble upon hidden coffee shops and bistros.
And the women, my god. There is so much eye candy I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s almost depressing in an odd way because I am surrounded by that which I cannot have, or at least probably won’t have. Nonetheless, I’ll find someone eventually, but for now I’m strictly focused on getting my apartment furnished and life back on track.
Sometimes I feel like intelligence is a huge geometric intersection of what everyone can understand. The more people included the smarter you are. In poker the narrative of skill breaks down from what older players find obvious to what is or isn't obvious to the competition at the time. I don't play much any more outside of a few traveling trips and online free sites. Today I think it would be really tough to re-experience the online poker world like it was in the early millennium.
The narrative of a poker game is quite exciting these days unlike when it was more mathematical or logical. Players are increasing their understanding of game psychology (when they're serious). There are a lot of unknowns in poker. I'd be happy if it was easier to play more, but it's not really an available feature at the moment.
I'm deep in theory. What a magical time. I am about half way through Mythologies by Roland Barthes. Then, I have The Medium is the Massage by McLuhan, Elements of Semiology by Barthes, and Society of the Spectacle by Debord up next but no one gives a shit.
That is really what this blog post is about. How no one gives a shit. Being an autodidact is a very solitary pursuit by definition. I joined a philosophy channel on Discord and they don't really give a shit either. It's mostly analytic academics. I don't fit in. The server is too active. Reddit has nothing for me besides the occasional Google search. I kind of despise Chat GPT but it can be somewhat useful.
My poor mom has to hear earfuls of the stuff I'm reading. At least she says she enjoys it to a point.
I'm just lonely. I went in hard on some Baudrillard. I think up to 2 weeks have flown by. I don't know if I even thought to be lonely then. Mythologies by Barthes is ok. It is a good intro to semiotics. A nice break from the denser and more opaque Baudrillard. Although, Baudrillard fascinates me. He seduces me. He haunts me.
There is no where for the autodidact to go except to touch grass and deal with it. Academia is a pipedream. It has been ever since I did not major in philosophy and chose poker over academics.
And the elephant in the room is that I need a job. I know, I know. I need a job. That is tremendous toil. If I did not have hypertrophy training and theory I would be in real trouble. The toil and the void would be too great.
Overcoming inertia in entropy. In a simulation the only thing left to do is play the game. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (Shakespeare).
It is normal for people to have anxiety about death. Libido and fear of death are two massive motivations. Sometimes they are unconcsious motivations. Marketers mess with our ability to know what we need and what will be satisfying. They tamper with our imagination as the result of the void. It shows up in weird ways. We fill the void with imagination and consumption. Imagination in the creation of art is good. Imagination in unrealistic expectations for consumption is bad.
I have clothes. I have plenty of clothes. I have an understanding of color theory and can generally dress myself to be passable in society. There is no such thing as authenticity in this regard. Unless maybe if I got my clothes from a small indigenous group of people in South America who custom made me some outfits. Any magazine, any shop, any online store is going to command the title of "purveyor of taste." Personally, I think just wearing white t-shirts and blue jeans everyday is better than falling into the consumption trap. But, in bourgois life there are dress codes...
"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Samuel Johnson
A beast with f body dysmorophia. I've been watching IFBB pros train on YouTube. They all have body dysmorphia. They all wear "pump covers" to hide their muscles until they feel they are pumped up enough.
How much is enough? I don't feel the need to get that jacked or that lean. I would like to make gains in the gym, however.
I wish I didn't have to be so clean and sober all the time but between my alcoholism and bipolar it's really fucking stupid to drink or do drugs. I get better gains in the gym though and I am definitely more clear headed. Not clearheaded enough to not post a bunch of bullshit on a website with barely any traffic but it's better than being bombed and that whole cycle. I didn't even post any marijuana pictures or breasts.
I don’t know how many guys from 10-15 years ago still visit these forums. I sure haven’t posted here in a long time. About 10 years ago it seems. Since ChatGPT is now getting extremely good at researching topics, I was curious to ask it what it could find about “marshall28”.
As a result, it led me down some rabbit holes and as I was reading things I said in the past. Looking back at the ways I spoke to others, and just the many random cringe things I said, I’ve been forced to reflect on the type of person I was.
If I was honest enough with myself back then, my explanation for acting the way I did was that ‘I never felt like I got the respect I deserved.’
Looking at it now though, it’s quite a bit worse than that. Everything I said was some sort of attempt to manipulate others into respecting my abilities. I felt that I needed to be validated by other people, that what other people thought of me was as important as anything. Looking at the way I would just insult swaths of people (or anyone really)—which I’d basically never do today—I can just see how attention seeking I was in a way that I tried really hard not to look like I was attention seeking.
I was clearly very desperate and insecure.
The funny thing is, if anyone knew me in person, they knew that I didn’t act like I would on these forums or on 2p2, however, that fact doesn’t make it any less of a massive personality flaw that took years to work through and overcome.
Over the years, mostly in my personal life, I’ve had so many people take from me, or just use me, and I finally had to come to terms with the fact that we all are just doing what we think is best at the time. I realized that holding any grudges against any of these people, even ones who had done things others might deem unforgivable, was just harming me. As a result, I’ve learned to no longer hold anything against anyone.
So, I rubbed a lot of people on here the wrong way. It’s totally fair to think whatever you’d like of me. It’s not really my business what anyone thinks of me anyways, and if you are one of those I’m speaking to, I think you probably had a good reason for feeling that way. We’re all just learning as we go along.
I don’t hold anything against you, or anybody anymore really.
Hope everybody is doing well and wish you best of luck.
So I was talking about rikd how I feel I just enter mid life, and feel my age. last year I still felt 25 this year I actually feel my age for once. my mind n body is in sync now that my mind has decline a step or two. most people experience it in their early 40s but me late 30s. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/mid-life
you guys feel like u hit your middle age yet or still feel 25 or not your age? rikd the only person I know who is in the middle age cuz all my friend hasn't felt it yet.
/userpoll/draw.php?poll_id=14041
Poll: are you in mid age?
(Vote): yes
(Vote): no
(Vote): maybe
Contact Users: 484 Active, 0 Logged in - Time: 22:17
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